To want to carry Mum into the church?

[WelshMaenad]

My mum passed away on Friday.

Something that I really want to do is to help carry her coffin into the church for her funeral service. My DH is happy to have charge of our two smallish children and to walk with them behind the coffin. My sister is also happy for me to do it although she does not want to do it herself.

My dad however has said that he thinks it's 'inappropriate' and doesn't want me to. Not in a cross way, just stating that he wasn't happy. I think it's because I'm female, my dad isn't a raging misogynist and he's honestly lovely but he's of a generation where women didn't even attend cremation/ burials. If my DH or BIL suggested it I think he'd let them, he would view it as a mark of respect. Please don't judge him for that, it's just how he is.

I don't want to put pressure on him or upset him any way at this time but this is something I feel very strongly that I want to do and I only get one chance to do it, don't i?

Am I unreasonable in wanting to do this, would you think it odd for a daughter to assist in pallbearing at her mums funeral?

I'm thinking if asking the funeral directors if they could provide female bearers. ( they do offer this ) and maybe ask my aunt (very close to my mum) if she wanted to do it with me in the hope that it would reduce the 'weirdness factor' for dad and help him feel comfortable with the idea. Or should I just drop it and let my dad call the shots and respect his wishes?

supportworker, who is doing that?

I sympathise and don't have the answer. I carried my sister, but as a consequence my brother did not. Had I known he felt that way beforehand I would have stood down I think, but it wasn't discussed properly, so I don't know for sure.

It was something I felt very strongly about, but I wouldn't have chosen to cause my brother so much hurt at that time.

I did this for my Grandmother, it was something i knew I had to do and although my uncle (her "in law" not son) said I shouldn't thankfully my Father agreed to it so there was no battle. I wanted to do the same for my Grandfather but couldn't because I had flu at the time so it wouldn't have been possible.

I think as it is something you feel so strongly about then your DF should respect that and perhaps if you and your aunt do it with the rest of the bearers male that would be a compromise? I think where possible family/friends being barers is always nicer

I think your father's wishes really have to come first. You can't spoil his wife's funeral for him by insisting on something he has said he doesn't want.

Very sorry to hear about your Mum. I hope everything goes as well as it can for your family over the coming period.

I attended a funeral where a daughter was a pallbearer for her father. I don't believe anyone felt it inappropriate. Personally I was really touched, I knew it meant a lot to her.

Have you tried having a heart to heart with your dad and trying to make him understand why it is so important to you ? Personally I wouldn't bang on about it if he is dead against. He might feel this way today, but by the time the funeral approaches he might feel different. Maybe the funeral director could help ease his mind that it is not so uncommon?

Best of luck with it anyway.

I'm sorry for your sad loss. I don't think YABU but neither is your dad. It's a difficult time for you both. Yes he's lost his life partner but you've lost your one and only mother. I think his suggestion of walking behind the coffin carrying the flowers is very poignant and a very special role. But obviously that's just my opinion.

I wish you all the best and hope you can reach a compromise.

I think it's more concern that other people would judge it inappropriate rather than a raging personal dislike of the idea. I helped the funeral director move her body from the house to the car and he liked that I did that. I think he worries too much what other people think!

I also come from a tradition in which women (and children) do not attend funerals / cremations [from your name, probably a traidition with similar geographic roots], so I can see the dilemma.

I attended my maternal grandfather's memorial service, but otherwise have attended no family funerals for my family (though several in my DH's family and outside the family). My mother attended my parterbnal grandparents' funerals to support my father, and has attended her own parents' funerals but it is vanishingly rare for her to attend others (I can think of a single example, where my father and brothers were unable to attend, so she was an 'honorary man').

From my point of view, the funeral is for the living. It would deeply offend my parents, for example, for me to have insited on attending family funerals, so I did not.

If your father agrees of his own free will, that is fine. But if he is resistant, respect his wishes.

I know WM irl, and I think I can say with absolute certainty that she would never try to foist something on her dad that he didn't want. Absolutely if he is against the idea, then it won't happen.

But, to that, I think also that WM feels this is something that she has to do. Her mother was a truly amazing, lovely lady, so headstrong and determined (can't imagine where WM gets it from...) and I think she would have felt it right for WM to do this. They were incredibly close. I also think that WM's need to do this, might stem from the fact that her mums illness was so bloody sudden and unexpected. If only they'd have had longer. I think WM might feel it's the final thing that she can do for her. But she'd never intentionally upset her dad.

It's not a strange thing to do butas much as your are grieving(and I'm so sorry your mum died) I would put him first. What he has suggested sounds as good option.

I struggled when one of my DP's parent died and every suggestion/request he made was rejected with a "no" from the surviving parent. (Wanting to do a reading, choose flowers from our family, buy some drinks at the wake). So I do understand your own desire to do something and how hurtful it is to not be able to, but I can also see that your dad has made an effort to include you too.

And from a practical point of view how tall are you. Coffins are often heavier than you expect. Perhaps your dad is worried it might upset you and he's not in a position to support you ATM.

Sorry for our loss, op

What a heartbreaking time. I can see your side of it but your DF is not necessarily going to be swayed. I hope this doesn't offend you but if you could ask her what do you reckon your DM would say - hold firm and do this or accede to your dad's feelings on this topic?

I'm sorry to hear about your mum.

I'd never seen women carry before but saw it recently on tv. Yes twas a soap but they do try and reflect changes in tradition like this. I thought it looked beautiful, I couldn't have carried my dad.

It sounds like you've come up with a good compromise OP.