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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off with MIL?

36 replies

NCtoMoan · 20/04/2014 00:04

NC for this.

Lots of backstory. Basically, SIL is the princess and can do no wrong. DH and I are second class citizens.

I had an operation 10 days ago. It was a day case procedure but is know to have a turbulent post op recovery period of 2 weeks. I've been REALLY ill. Lots of pain, have been vomiting constantly. Not nice at all.

DH has taken the two weeks off work to look after me and has been doing ALL of the childcare for DD who is a very hands on toddler. He is knackered but has been brilliant, I'm very lucky. (Sorry for the stealth boast).

My in laws who are both retired and healthy haven't been to see us once. They did offer to come and visit about 2 days post op but I was in a bad way and a visit from them is a formal thing where they expect to be waited on hand and foot and they wouldn't be providing any support so we said maybe not that day as it was a bad one.

(bit pf backstory, I was hospitalised last year for a week. In the week leading up to my emergency admission we begged MIL for a one off childcare day as I was really ill. She refused as it was inconvenient. When I was admitted I had no visits from them (I wasn't bothered by that may I add). I had another op 6 months ago. Day case but 5 week post op recovery. No visits from them. Baring in mind here my mum is dead so only person I have to rely on is my DH).

My SIL had an operation 4 days ago. She is being kept in for a week. She is insisting on daily visits from MIL and FIL. Fair enough, that is what my mum would do if she were alive. And I admit I am jealous she has that luxury. I would have given anything to have my mum around each time I've been in hospital.

DH hasn't been able to visit SIL yet because a) he's looking after me who until today hasn't been able to keep anything down and has been on high dose painkillers and b) seeing to DD as nursery open limited days this week and she has come down with a chest infection so is poorly. She had Scarlet Fever the week before my op too. Poor DH has been worried sick about me and DD.

So DH called MIL tonight to see how SIL was and MIL shouted at him for not going to visit her.

If he could be would! But he's been caring for his crazy daughter and his sick wife 24/7 with no help available. He's not been able to leave me alone with DD for long as I'm on strong painkillers still which make me a bit batty. They know this.

I'm so pissed off with them. We've been putting up with all sorts from them over the years, constants digs as well as some really horrible stuff which I've talked about on here under a different name.

We have to go to a special Easter tea tomorrow for his Granny's birthday. I'm not looking forward to this anyway as I can't really eat still without gagging, DD isn't well and gatherings with his family are really formal boring as fuck events. Plus it would have been my mum's birthday as well and I'm feeling a bit emotional about that.

But I know we're going to be subjected to barbed comments about how crap we are because we haven't been to see princess SIL and how crap DH is because he's grown a really sexy beard and how crap he is general and grrrr.... I hate my MIL so much!

Sorry. Just needed to rant.

OP posts:
MairzyDoats · 20/04/2014 00:07

Don't go. They don't deserve you, stop putting up with their crap. Why do you think your DH is the second class citizen?

Jengnr · 20/04/2014 00:09

Don't go. They're going to be twats to you either way so you might as well do what suits you.

wheretotheEasterBunnygonow · 20/04/2014 00:10

My advice would be to cancel going tomorrow. Just tell them that you are still unwell and your child is to.

They clearly are not worried about upsetting you and your husband so please don't worry about putting yourselves first for a change.

I hope you all feel better soon Thanks oh and a Winefor your husband!

Amy106 · 20/04/2014 00:12

Oh dear, OP. I am pissed off with her on your behalf and I don't even know the woman. You are not being unreasonable, not even one little bit. I am so sorry about your mom. Maybe you could just stay home and continue your recovery in peace? Thanks

TheFarceAndTheSpurious · 20/04/2014 00:13

This reply has been deleted

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Doubletroublemummy2 · 20/04/2014 00:17

You should definitely go,!! Then be sick on the dinner table

TheCatThatSmiled · 20/04/2014 00:17

Contact Granny wish her happy birthday and tell her you will take her ourt for tea when you are better. (Without MIL and the rest)

and just don't go.

YouTheCat · 20/04/2014 00:18

Another saying not to go.

They're going to call you all the shites under the sun anyway so you might as well.

piscivorous · 20/04/2014 00:18

I wouldn't go either. I would send apologies and say you and DD are too ill to attend, DH is looking after his own family

Unfortunately people like your ILs don't change. The only consolation is that they will reap the whirlwind of this as they get old. I notice now with my mum's friends that the ones who have been nice, childminded or babysat, etc have good relationships and are visited and cared for by their families. Those that haven't get just duty visits as the relationships are not there

Purpleroxy · 20/04/2014 00:19

Cancel it. Why go to something where you are going to be berated. Sick toddler needs to stay at home anyway to shake it all off properly and you clearly need to rest.

TheFarceAndTheSpurious · 20/04/2014 00:21

This reply has been deleted

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AgentZigzag · 20/04/2014 00:22

Definitely don't go tomorrow, you don't have to at all, you're ill!

Just think what you could get away with might say in your befuddled painkiller soaked stupor Shock Wink

Did your DH genuinely want to go and see his sister?

Could he not have taken your DD with him?

It's shite when you see this kind of thing playing out, especially when you know your beautiful DC are the ones losing out, it does make you feel protective towards them (and on behalf of your DH).

But you can't expect the same things from these people that you might have with your own parents, they just don't have the capacity for it.

Accept them for what they are and then decide whether they are people you want to spend time with or want your daughter exposed to.

If they're not, back off from them. Better have nobody and a measure of control than constantly being reminded of how little some people care IMO.

Custardo · 20/04/2014 00:23

dnt go you're note fully recovered

if your dh wants to go and get the comments - let him

stay at home, relax

SoleSource · 20/04/2014 00:24

Do not go, they do not deserve your good company I'll or not. I hope you both are well very soon.

Original poster
NCtoMoan · 20/04/2014 00:27

I really want to cancel. I'm going to see how DD is tomorrow, she's currently in bed with me coughing lots and she's been running a temp so I imagine she's going to be all clingy tomorrow :( poor love.

If she's unwell I may suggest if I feel ok then DD and I stay home and have a duvet day and no doubt I will be made to watch Frozen a million times and he can go to the meal. I would rather DH stay home too but I know he would want to see his Granny on her birthday. So I'm not going to force him to stay.

They don't like me because I'm rather opinionated and am not the little wifey who defers to her master but I've no idea why they treat DH like this. DH is a wonderful man. Honestly, he's one of the nicest people you'd ever meet. He's a good son as well, never caused them a days unrest and has always done well in school and uni. He has a stable and happy marriage and has produced one gorgeous grandaughter and has never bothered them for money. SIL on the other hand is a cow but she gets all the attention.

I bet you if we do go tomorrow the first thing FIL will say is 'ooooh MrNCtoMoan you've grown a beard again, urgh you look so scruffy. Doesn't your manager tell you that you must be clean shaven? Oh and what on earth are you wearing now? Haha you're so fat and scruffy'

OP posts:
Original poster
NCtoMoan · 20/04/2014 00:31

DH does want to see his sister out of duty. I suppose he could have taken DD but he didnt want to leave me for long I guess. Isnt it normally hospital policy that the only young children who can visit are the children of the patient?

OP posts:
tara49 · 20/04/2014 00:34

Don't go - they have a low opinion of you anyway so wtf and if your DD is unwell then keep her home too - although if she has a cold and does go - there's always a chance that MIL might catch it?
I totally would not go.

YouTheCat · 20/04/2014 00:34

Taking a sick or recovering child into a hospital to visit is never a good idea.

AgentZigzag · 20/04/2014 00:35

Sad at what you think you're FIL will say, but why the fuck does he think he has a right to an opinion on what your DH looks like?? They're both grown men FFS.

How does you DH deal with it when they're talking to him like he's a teenager/shit on their shoe?

I would encourage him to stay with you, if they're going to say shit about him let them say it when he's not there to hear.

Why do you think they fawn over your SIL?

Original poster
NCtoMoan · 20/04/2014 00:36

AgentZigZag you're right. I do need to accept who they are and that they will never change. It's been a hard few years learning how to do that. Unfortunately deciding what I want to do about it is another thing entirely as its DH's decision really, they're his parents and he's fully cognisant of their toxicity but still wishes to keep in contact. I'm trying to figure how to deal with it and I think the best course of action is to detach, be civil, to protect my DD and to comfort DH when they upset him and then to rant about it on MN :)

OP posts:
Original poster
NCtoMoan · 20/04/2014 00:42

AgentZigZag I'm really not sure why they fawn over SIL. DH says its because he dared to move 30 mins away into student digs when he went to uni rather than stay at home and because he's stayed in that city ever since and SIL stayed at home. I can't imagine it's the entire reason. It's gotten worse since we married. I don't think because I've 'taken her baby boy away' because she's not that type. I think they really disagree with our lives as we're very much an equal partnership and they're REALLY traditional.

or maybe they're just miserable twats-

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 20/04/2014 01:06

Miserable twats or just get their rocks off on humiliating your DH?

The way you think they'd talk to him really says something about how they feel the need to be in a position of power in their relationship with their son (I'm presuming it's not part of a banter they have going, which is the only way that could be OK).

Why does your DH allow them to do it? Does he not notice anymore or is he just scared of the WWIII that would follow on from telling them to fuck right off?

My MIL still goes on about DH biting his nails, which I think is fucking ridiculous, but the way your PIL deal with things is much worse, why does your DH want his DD drawn in too?

If it's purely out of a sense of duty, then you have to speak up on your DDs behalf if you think it would really mess her up too.

Saucepanman · 20/04/2014 01:11

Definitely don't go. They are horrible fuckers. Stay at home and enjoy your time together. Hope you feel better soon Thanks

LibraryMum8 · 20/04/2014 05:56

Piscivorous you are exactly right. My own parents are gone now a long time. Had my inlaws been kind to me (I also don't defer to MIL whom everyone is afraid of) they could count in me to help them in their old age. What goes around comes around and duty visits is what they will get.

rumbleinthrjungle · 20/04/2014 10:40

It's so nice to get to read a thread about a happy relationship with a DP!

Don't go, why even consider it? You (and dd) are ill, you both need rest, quiet, you really don't need to get stressed, tired and wound up as you already know you will be. Whether you go or not it sounds like you're fairly sure of getting it with both barrels from MiL, so there's no point in putting yourself through it. Plus why take an unwell child to a family gathering where people are going to be seeing Granny who definitely doesn't need to be picking up coughs, colds and bugs? You have the perfect, loving excuse to opt out right there.

A duvet day sounds like a perfect idea if you feel well enough to be alone with dd. If not, perhaps DH can go just for an hour or two to see his granny and do some serious childproofing/blocked doors while he's gone to make it easier for you?

Hope you're feeling better soon [Flowers]

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