to be pissed off with MIL?

[NCtoMoan]

NC for this.

Lots of backstory. Basically, SIL is the princess and can do no wrong. DH and I are second class citizens.

I had an operation 10 days ago. It was a day case procedure but is know to have a turbulent post op recovery period of 2 weeks. I've been REALLY ill. Lots of pain, have been vomiting constantly. Not nice at all.

DH has taken the two weeks off work to look after me and has been doing ALL of the childcare for DD who is a very hands on toddler. He is knackered but has been brilliant, I'm very lucky. (Sorry for the stealth boast).

My in laws who are both retired and healthy haven't been to see us once. They did offer to come and visit about 2 days post op but I was in a bad way and a visit from them is a formal thing where they expect to be waited on hand and foot and they wouldn't be providing any support so we said maybe not that day as it was a bad one.

(bit pf backstory, I was hospitalised last year for a week. In the week leading up to my emergency admission we begged MIL for a one off childcare day as I was really ill. She refused as it was inconvenient. When I was admitted I had no visits from them (I wasn't bothered by that may I add). I had another op 6 months ago. Day case but 5 week post op recovery. No visits from them. Baring in mind here my mum is dead so only person I have to rely on is my DH).

My SIL had an operation 4 days ago. She is being kept in for a week. She is insisting on daily visits from MIL and FIL. Fair enough, that is what my mum would do if she were alive. And I admit I am jealous she has that luxury. I would have given anything to have my mum around each time I've been in hospital.

DH hasn't been able to visit SIL yet because a) he's looking after me who until today hasn't been able to keep anything down and has been on high dose painkillers and b) seeing to DD as nursery open limited days this week and she has come down with a chest infection so is poorly. She had Scarlet Fever the week before my op too. Poor DH has been worried sick about me and DD.

So DH called MIL tonight to see how SIL was and MIL shouted at him for not going to visit her.

If he could be would! But he's been caring for his crazy daughter and his sick wife 24/7 with no help available. He's not been able to leave me alone with DD for long as I'm on strong painkillers still which make me a bit batty. They know this.

I'm so pissed off with them. We've been putting up with all sorts from them over the years, constants digs as well as some really horrible stuff which I've talked about on here under a different name.

We have to go to a special Easter tea tomorrow for his Granny's birthday. I'm not looking forward to this anyway as I can't really eat still without gagging, DD isn't well and gatherings with his family are really formal boring as fuck events. Plus it would have been my mum's birthday as well and I'm feeling a bit emotional about that.

But I know we're going to be subjected to barbed comments about how crap we are because we haven't been to see princess SIL and how crap DH is because he's grown a really sexy beard and how crap he is general and grrrr.... I hate my MIL so much!

Sorry. Just needed to rant.

I definitely wouldn't go in your situation. There's no point putting yourself through it. It's up to your DH whether he wants to go though. Hope you and DD feel better soon.

Comfort yourself with the idea that it will be SIL who has to look after them when they are old!!!!
And have a duvet day today, preferably with DH too!!

As everyone else has said: "Don't go!"

Have a day at home and think how lucky you are not to be subjected to the awfulness which is the family Easter catch up.

Once you are recovered I think you and your DH need to have a chat and take stock of the situation. If the ILs are really so bad (and I'm not saying they aren't) then why do you both persist in maintaining a relationship? They won't help you out when you are in dire need, mock your lovely DH and seem to think everything revolves around them. How exactly does maintaining contact enhance your life?

TBH they sound vile and if it was me I would ensure I went NC regardless of whether DH did or not. However I have found going NC with my own toxic-beyond-words-sister so utterly liberating that I advocate NC quite often now.

Enjoy your day at home looking after each other and don't give these vile people a second thought. (Obviously a 'phone call to the grandmother might be needed though).

Well we went. I felt ok and DD was much better today.
It was alright as there were other family members to soak up the twattyness.
Everyone was going on about poor SIL, not really bothered about me. Fair enough, I'm not really family I guess. MIL was getting lots of sympathy for how tired she must be going to visit SIL every day and helping BIL out with the kids as he doesn't do anything usually. She told DH it mustn't have been too bad looking after me and DD as he is hands on anyway.
FIL was his usual charming self and told DH that he doesn't know what he is talking about half the time.
It took every inch of my strength to not turn around and ask did he mean to be so rude.
We got free cake to take home so yum to that.

DH knows I've posted this thread and the other one I posted about them, as I say he's totally aware of their toxicity. I just can't see NC ever happening as much as I wish it could. I don't think I could be NC without DH. So I'm going to carry on being civil, keeping the visits to a minimum, supporting DH when they upset him and most importantly protecting DD. The minute they put a foot wrong with DD then that is it and DH is in agreement.

One of my biggest upsets is the way MIL is with me though. I know if I am ever a MIL and my SIL/DIL (depending on DD's preferences) lost their mum at a young age I would do my best to be there for him/her as well as DD if they wanted me to as appropriate obviously. The woman has watched me cope with losing my mum when my DD was so little, she's left me and DH to it whilst we were coping with my severe PND and my many health issues and has been as supportive as a wet rag. I will never EVER forgive her. I wish one day I could tell her so but there would be no point.

For me no contact doesn't necessarily mean you'll never see them again, it's more of a distancing from them in your head, seeing them when you can't get out of it, not making any effort to meet up etc.

It's much easier to do it like that, you can still get on with other family members because there's no 'bust up' as such, you've just drifted away without a fuss.

Accept they're there and don't give the way they treat you, your SIL or anyone else a second thought (easier said than done I know)

Glad your DD is feeling a lot better

OP, my DM died when I was young and I have a SIL and MIL who are a nightmare. You are not alone! My PIL fuss over my SIL like she is some kind of reincarnated deity. She would be the one to be black and blue after sleeping on 20 mattresses with the pea. My PIL have treated DH like a defector ever since he got married. Sound familiar?

In the past my MIL has told me to my face that I am not part of her family and her response to requests for help (that I may benefit from) have been "well she's not my daughter, she has her own family". I think that saying this to a young person who has lost their mother is cruel. I used to go stay with them and vice versa and whilst there MIL/SIL would do girlie things and not ask me to come along (manicures, go shopping etc). This was also instigated by SIL who would pull a cat's bum face whenever I was around and seriously attention seek. My SIL has zero self esteem due to her controlling mother. I was really sad, then angry and hated them for years. In fact a great deal of my negative energy was directed into "I'll show you" and I have achieved a lot of things driven by this!! I wasted a lot of time hating them.

About 2 years ago I changed. Something happened in their family and I found that I was unable to muster any compassion for them. As other things happened I realised that I just didn't care about their lives. This is indifference and I didn't force it upon myself it just happened. I genuinely don't give a shiny shit and it's like being set free from a cage. Since I have reached this level of enlightenment like a smiling Buddha things have been very different. I no longer invite them on days out with our family, or holidays (what a sucker I was) and I am very polite and welcoming to them but do not engage in more than polite conversation. I have not enquired about MIL's extended family for about a year. MIL has since realised that she is missing out (we have the only DGC and SIL is 40's and single) and is being so nice to me it is sickening. It falls on deaf ears though and I still walk out the room backwards to make sure there are no knives coming at my back.

The sad truth is that your MIL doesn't love you and she doesn't think you are family. I'm sorry to be so blunt. You need to accept this and redirect your energy on positive things. There are loads of great people out there and you need to build up a network of great friends and trusted people you can call on to talk to and help you out. My MIL/SIL hate the fact that we have a full life going on outside of them with good friends that we go on holiday with and that we implicitly trust. She would really rather I was friendless and alone so she could get her kicks hacking at my self esteem with her machete tongue. I've proven that I don't need them and I don't owe them anything. MIL is not part of my family and she is not my mother. It work's both ways you know. As Agent says, I drifted away without a fuss.

Remember the best revenge is to live well.

Don't worry about being blunt bloodmoon :) thanks for your reply it was very helpful. I know she doesn't love me, I know I'm not part of their family. I do know this and I have started to accept it. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to.

Everyone was going on about poor SIL, not really bothered about me

What was your DH saying? If that was me sat there in opp situ I would be saying how ill my DH had been....

She told DH it mustn't have been too bad looking after me and DD as he is hands on anyway

She told your husband how his experience was did she. What did your DH say? Just sat there and agreed with her so she thinks she is right,....or did he gently correct her and give her a brief run down of his past few days?

It took every inch of my strength to not turn around and ask did he mean to be so rude

Really? I would have said saying something would have been harder than sitting and saying nothing

as I say he's totally aware of their toxicity. I just can't see NC ever happening as much as I wish it could. I don't think I could be NC without DH

he may be aware of them but is he aware of the impact on himself and his own family?

bloodmoon your post has almost mirrored my own experience.

There is something even more wicked about a nasty mil and sil when one has lost ones own Mother.

The sil dynamic will be an irritating factor here, we get the same, DH is wonderful son but its SIL who has baked a cake ( dh has made whole bloody meal and then some) its SIl who has.....ridden a bike?! and so on.

Its like a cult in their house to SIL. Anyway, as others have said, SIL can be doing all the hard work when they are older and have issues!

Op I am being deliberately hard on you, I have been where you are and I want you to see this as a choice.

You are defeatist and choosing to put yourself through this and I do not believe your DH has a full understanding of his parents impact on him, if he did why would he choose to engage.

The point is, he cant see the wood for the trees. He is locked in pleasing mode. How can he ever be truely free and his own man whilst still behaving like the 6 son of a demanding woman ?

My own mother would never ever ever ever ever treated the mother of her gc, and the wife of her son like my Mil has treated me.

Also my own mother would not tolerate me being sulky and rude to my SIL either! My mother was a fair inclusive person.

Its taken me a long time to realise not all mothers are like this.

I have been looking for my mothers qualities in a woman who has none.

Stop looking, start accepting, yes its painful but lok around, many of us have gone through this, its brutal but as blood says, freedom, indifference awaits!

oh! and to you op, Blood moon and myself.

Beyond repair there is no need to be so 'hard' (rude). Everyone's experiences are different, everyone is at a different stage with their toxic relatives.

I'm not 'defeatist' at all. Yes im choosing this because I'm in a marriage and we are a team. We both agree with presenting a united front to his parents. If I were to go NC without DH that would cause incredible problems between us. He is NOT READY to tackle this head on. I'm usually the proactive one in our relationship but in this circumstance it is his decision as it is his parents and if I push him too hard before he is ready to make a change then that could negatively affect our marriage. I have to support him through it. As it is we discuss it regularly, I gauge where he is emotionally and take my cues from there (whilst protecting DD). I'm not the priority here, I'm getting over my hurt.

My main concern is my DH and DD. A relationship with a toxic family like an addiction, so difficult to break free. He's had nearly 40 years of being treated like shit. Before we met, he thought the way he was treated was normal. He knows now its not. It didn't impact as much on him before we had DD so it's only been awful for the past 3 years. He's also had to cope with my illnesses, dealing with my bereavement and his own (he adored my mum) and also some serious job problems with both of us.

He's not locked in pleasing mode, I think he is in FOG and he bloody well knows it as we do talk about it. But I'd have more change turning water into wine that getting him out of that until he is ready to. (He is his own man though, what a bizarre comment.)

what was my DH saying he didn't say much, none of us did as we were focusing on our DD. Also it was his Nan's birthday party and not the time or the place to start challenging MIL (she would take it as a challenge). Out of respect towards his Nan and the other family members there we just focused on stopping our DD smashing the fancy plates up ('twas not a child friendly venue) and to try and avoid a strop with MIL.

He said something jokey to her at the start of the meal and she kicked off about that. If it was in their home then we both would have said something.

what did your DH say (about his experience) I don't know as I wasn't privy to that conversation as I was outside. DH isn't the best at relaying the minutiae of conversation with his parents, especially as this comment really upset him. I wasn't going to push him to tell me if he didn't want to.

Really? I would have thought saying something would be harder than sitting there and saying nothing.

Yes, really. You are right, saying something would have been harder. If it was in their home or mine I would have said something. FIL knows I'm more than happy to challenge him, I do it frequently as he is a racist, sexist pig. But as I say the location and situation was not appropriate to tell him to go fuck himself to stop being rude.

is he aware of the impact on himself and his family

Yes, he is aware. As I say, we discuss this often.

You are right in that i had been looking for my mother's qualities in a woman who has none. That stops today.

Oh and in the texts I've been sending her (she's regularly keeping us updated on SIL) I've made sure she's aware of how great DH has been looking after me and how worried I've been about him.