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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To believe something can be right, but wrong for you

36 replies

herfacealongjourney · 19/04/2014 21:21

Bit of a ramble: I am gay, and have only just really allowed myself to admit that. I ignore it (mostly!) then I fall for a lady and feel frustrated and titillated at the same time.

The problem is that I don't want to "come out" and as a result people just think I haven't met a nice young man yet.

I don't think being gay is wrong - that's the stupid thing - yet some part of me on some level must, as I feel it's wrong for me.

Does anybody know what I'm talking about?

OP posts:

Coldlightofday · 19/04/2014 21:24

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Original poster

herfacealongjourney · 19/04/2014 21:25

Lol - I know what you mean.

Possibly. I can't ever see it, though.

OP posts:

Coldlightofday · 19/04/2014 21:30

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Original poster

herfacealongjourney · 19/04/2014 21:33

So I'm not a youngster ...

the other problem is that I was brought up as a Christian and to believe homosexuality is wrong. I no longer believe this but still.

I could never be openly gay I don't think. I'm just confused.

OP posts:

Sandthorn · 19/04/2014 21:33

Not totally clear what you're saying. I do think it's rough that default assumption is that people are straight unless they say otherwise. A friend of mine is in a similar position to you... Didn't come out till recently, and hasn't found the right person yet, so had no need to. But then he realised that actually, while he hadn't come out, he was kind of hiding it from himself, and managed to properly fuck his head up before he concluded that it wasn't about to go away.

I don't want to diminish your feelings, but everybody has aspects of their selves which are difficult to come to terms with... Being gay isn't one you can wish away. Do you have a trusted friend, or a counsellor, or local LGBT group, or anyone who you can talk to about this in absolute confidence? I suspect you've only just started the process of believing it, and it might help you to hear it spoken out loud, rather than just chasing it round the confines of your head.

Original poster

herfacealongjourney · 19/04/2014 21:35

No, I could never talk to anyone about this, this is what I am saying. I am gay, I think, but I can never 'be' gay.

OP posts:

Coldlightofday · 19/04/2014 21:36

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ThatBloodyWoman · 19/04/2014 21:37

If people ask questions can you decide on a case by case basis just how much to tell them, and let information gradually filter out, rather than face this head on if you'd rather not?

Coldlightofday · 19/04/2014 21:37

This reply has been deleted

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ThatBloodyWoman · 19/04/2014 21:38

Can you just be 'you' and dispense with the 'labels' ?

Joules68 · 19/04/2014 21:39

Why not join a forum and explore further over there? ( shy bi is great for it)

Original poster

herfacealongjourney · 19/04/2014 21:46

I know it's my fault I haven't made any sense.

I don't want to be "out" in public or private. I couldn't be, and that's why I couldn't ever talk to anyone. That's what I'm saying, I don't feel being gay is wrong - if someone I knew was gay I would think fine. But for me it feels shameful and awful and I can't accept myself as gay even though I am.

OP posts:

Coldlightofday · 19/04/2014 21:48

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Original poster

herfacealongjourney · 19/04/2014 21:53

Cold, there isn't a pressing need. Except I want children which means, for me, I have to marry a man and effectively live a lie I guess.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/04/2014 21:53

If you can't b be out to yourself op, then you won't be able to be out socially.

I will also add that to deny what is a fundamental part of yourself perhaps even on a genetic level, is seriously storing up trouble for yourself in the future.

May I suggest that you have a look at the pink therapy website and find yourself a therapist with LGBT training, who can help you explore your feelings about faith, guilt what it is to be gay and out. remember just because someone's gay, doesn't mean they have to or do advertise it to everyone they know.

Good luck

Original poster

herfacealongjourney · 19/04/2014 21:57

I don't want to advertise it, I can't even admit it to me never mind other people.

Thank you. Sorry - I know I've made no sense.

OP posts:

Coldlightofday · 19/04/2014 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/04/2014 22:12

Oh lovely you've made perfect sense. You have said your conflicted and frustrated, that you don't really know how to come to terms with what you do know for definite, which is that you are gay.

That is a huge starting point, the next bit is where to go with these thoughts. A therapist would be able to help you explore these points in a supportive and holding environment with no judgement.

The only person judging you, is you. You deserve a shot at happiness like everyone else in this world, but sometimes the people to hold us back are ourselves. Religion and sex do not mix they never have really.

Be kind to yourself you obviously need to talk about this subject otherwise you would not have come on here. This affords you some anonymity maybe use it to explore further and see where it goes.

Sandthorn · 19/04/2014 22:14

Some of us were brought up as Christians without the slightest prejudice against homosexuality. In fact, some might say that homophobia is about the most unchristian mentality commonly claimed as Christian.

If you're gay, you're gay... That's not going away. You may choose to spend your life celibate, and never talk about it, but it's always going to be a part of you. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life feeling "shameful" and "awful" then you're going to have to address the fact that your perception of homosexuality has been poisoned. Sorry, it's going to be tough, but that's going to mean admitting it to yourself at the very least, and probably to a counsellor too. If the alternative is a lifetime of hating a significant part of yourself, surely you have to try?

culturemulcher · 19/04/2014 22:15

OP it's good you're starting to think seriously about it. May I ask a question? What does being 'out' mean to you?

Is there a chance you're conflating being gay with a 'gay' lifestyle?

Could you imagine - forget everyone else for a moment - having a girlfriend?

Okay - that was 3 questions [smile}

culturemulcher · 19/04/2014 22:15

Or even

Blithereens · 19/04/2014 22:18

Sweetheart You've probably internalised all sorts of religious and social pressures which say gay is wrong, and can't result in the life you want (children, etc). You talking about it here is a big step.

I hope you can get to a place where you don't feel you can't be yourself. I know plenty of gay people who don't like to label themselves but are still true to themselves. I hope you can get there too.

maddening · 19/04/2014 22:23

I would move away and let yourself lead a "gay life" ( for want of a better description ) where you don't have to come out to people who expect you to be straight. Just go being gay - if it ever comes in to conversation and being confident that people who meet you for the first time will simply accept that is what you are - it won't even register to think of you as anything other.

until you can live it I don't see how you can decide to reject it - by going away to let you be yourself and accept yourself means that you can do this safely and go back to your old life if you want to or come out knowing that this is what you want and confidence of knowing yourself.

emsyj · 19/04/2014 22:29

Being gay doesn't preclude you from having children - within a permanent relationship (with a woman), if that is what you want.

Please don't waste your life trying to please other people. It won't make you happy, and here's the thing - they don't care anyway.

If you have a few hundred quid to spare I can highly recommend a session with Benjamin Fry - here. Not cheap, but worth every penny for me - it may help you to work out why you are so uncomfortable with the idea of being openly gay.

Original poster

herfacealongjourney · 19/04/2014 22:30

Thank you. Maddening, I could never lead a gay lifestyle I don't think even if I could move away. And I can't imagine ever having a girlfriend. I have a very specific type of woman I am generally attracted to anyway, I just don't think I ever could be who I am. I am lonely but I can't be in a relationship because I'm not attracted to men and I can't be with a woman, and it's so hard.

OP posts:

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