To believe something can be right, but wrong for you

[herfacealongjourney]

Bit of a ramble: I am gay, and have only just really allowed myself to admit that. I ignore it (mostly!) then I fall for a lady and feel frustrated and titillated at the same time.

The problem is that I don't want to "come out" and as a result people just think I haven't met a nice young man yet.

I don't think being gay is wrong - that's the stupid thing - yet some part of me on some level must, as I feel it's wrong for me.

Does anybody know what I'm talking about?

I feel so sad for you and how trapped you seem to feel. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to others who've been there (as well as talking to us).

I agree with Blithereens. I think you've internalised the feeling of "wrongness" but come to rationally believe that of course it's fine (as of course it is, there is no logical reason for it to be wrong). But it's just that your outward beliefs have not actually quite matched up with what you feel/believe inside and this is making you feel like it's you that is wrong whereas really it's just that old prejudice coming back to haunt you, it's just unfortunate that it happens to affect you in such a direct way.

I wonder if perhaps although you feel totally supportive and fine about the concept of gay people/gay relationships, you've not really accepted it as a thing? Do you have any friends who are gay for example? If not, could you imagine - really imagine - a friend, or relative, coming out as gay, and see how you would (hypothetically of course) feel about that? Can you watch a TV programme or film with gay characters and identify with them or do you feel repulsed/shocked by it? (I'm sure people could suggest films if you don't know any). Have you ever been to a gay bar or a pride march? How comfortable are you with the idea of homosexuality really, is I suppose what I'm asking? It's one thing to be okay with the idea of something but when actually confronted with it, the underlying fear (which is all prejudice really is, just a fear) comes up.

From experience, the only way to kill your own prejudice in regards to something is to face the fear, force yourself to be in a situation even if that situation feels repulsive or scary (I don't mean sex, BTW, that would be a little unfair on the other person! Just socialising/talking/immersing yourself in gay culture or media/possibly dating, but that might require working up to) after you've got over the hard part you start to see on a soul level (if you like) what you already know intellectually - that they are just people and there is nothing inherently different or scary and even the huge barrier that you feel is there now will start to feel less insurmountable until it's eventually totally gone and you will wonder what on earth you were ever worried about.

could you travel or go to do a course somewhere without commiting to a move away.

and maybe counselling? Are there any gay forums or support groups that could help? It sounds more deep routed than just worrying about what people think - I think you should do something to explore this as you aren't happy this way and that won't change unless you do - i bet you aren't the first to feel this way and talking to people who have been through this may help

Bertie, I've never been to a gay bar or a march but that's because I don't really "see" myself as gay, I know this makes no sense. I'm saying here I am, so why wouldn't I have been to a gay bar and yet the thought surprises me - that "I" would do that.

But it doesn't actually repulse me, absolutely not.

I have gay friends but they aren't very close. Work colleagues - two of them. We get on well but don't socialise outside work really.

Warwickshire, why?

Again, I wouldn't go for something like that as in my head I'm not gay, I'm saying here I am but I wouldn't ever in real life, you know?

Could you go to a gay bar as a "straight" person such as with your work colleagues - maybe expore it that way?

No, I don't even know any local gay bars.

Besides gay or straight I don't really go in for bars.

I think the experience of admitting to yourself that you're gay is not a one-step thing. You have realized it, but you're still very early on in finding out what it means to you, how you feel about it, what conflicts it brings up for you -- this is really normal. It is also really normal to do the thing you are doing where you step forward (I'm gay) and then back (I don't see myself as gay.) Honestly, I think your relationship with this knowledge will change over time. It is very likely that you will become more comfortable with it. There may be things about it that you are never 100% okay with. There may be things that bother you now that won't bother you in three years.

I get it that you might not be ready to e.g., talk to a counselor about reconciling your conflicting feelings on who you are or go to a lesbian support group, etc. (let alone a gay bar). Later on some individual or group support may be a really good idea. Fine if you are not ready now. However, it's not the best thing for you not to have anywhere you can comfortably turn to right now, so as a first step I wondered whether you might find an online community useful. Lesbian communities (while they have their downsides and are not exclusively populated by saints of course) by and large tend to be supportive, friendly, and kind.

There are many women on this site, from many backgrounds, and I would pretty much guarantee that there is nothing you're feeling that some of them have not felt. And if you decide to join you can of course be anonymous. It has a lot of basic lifestyle/culture articles on it about tv. and dating and etc., but I think if you dig around a bit (try clicking sections or go to the forum) you might also find some stuff useful to your particular situation.

www.autostraddle.com/about/

www.autostraddle.com/forums/

I want to say to you, and I hope you won't think it patronizing -- don't be scared. This will be okay