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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that my toddler will never be the same again

38 replies

PyjamasandSlippers · 19/04/2014 20:27

And I'm panicking inside and trying my hardest not to let it show.

My just turned 3 yo DD has generally been a good sleeper (apart from the first 6 months) but she's had what I think was a nightmare a couple of nights ago and she hasn't been the same since.

Since this nightmare, she's been extra clingy and is absolutely terrified of bathtime and going to bed. We've never had a problem putting her to bed before. She normally loves the stories and is so playful and happy. She also usually loves the bath and enjoys playing with her sisters in there. Shes now even terrified of sitting in the bed to listen to a story.

The only way we've managed to get her to sleep is if we sleep with her, but every time I move she grabs onto me and screams 'mummy!'. She usually has an afternoon nap too, but there has been no way to get her to have it over the last couple of days. The problem is she's now really, really tired and it's making the situation worse. I just don't know how to handle it. My DH is in bed with her right now, but I'm so scared of how I'm going to cope with this on my own. My DH is away a lot and I also have 1 year old twins to deal with. I just don't know what to do! I feel like I have a different child.

I feel like I've failed her, as she's not able to cope with this Sad

Has anyone else been through this? Does it get better? Thanks

OP posts:
Liara · 19/04/2014 20:30

She's 3 - it will pass. Just bear with her for the time being and keep reassuring her. Don't put any pressure on her to be alone, even if it messes up all the routine. It will pass.

hotcrosshunny · 19/04/2014 20:30

Ok, in the nicest possible way, YABU.

Kids have nightmares, sometimes they need us more than others and it is just one of those things. I would carry on as normal, give her a cuddle at bedtime maybe even a night light to see if that will help a bit?

Suefla62 · 19/04/2014 20:38

Has she got night terrors? Very common at her age. Tips here - www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/813052/13-tips-for-handling-night-terrors-in-kids/page:1

Original poster
PyjamasandSlippers · 19/04/2014 20:39

I've given her a nightlight, but she's still absolutely terrified. It took two of us to get her into bed and she would only settle on my DH's chest.

Should I reassure her & then shut the door? I feel
Ike I can't do that as she is so upset, but I need to deal with my DTs too

OP posts:
CailinDana · 19/04/2014 20:45

The only way this will affect her long term is if you continue to freak out like this every time she has a problem. Perhaps you need some help to deal with your anxiety? Your reaction is extreme and likely to cause more issues than nightmares, which aren't nice but are perfectly normal.

Sparrowlegs248 · 19/04/2014 20:47

I suffered from night terrors and recurrent dreams/nightmares at that age. And still do in fact. My mother tells me that i went through a phase very similar to what you describe but after a few months bed times returned to normal. I still had night terrors but went to bed ok. I did (and again, still do) shriek and wail in my sleep until I woke up, then could be very upset for a while but from a very young age seemed to realise that once i ws awake, the scariness had gone.

Sorry - no idea if thats any help at all. I was never (other than those few months) a clingy child, in fact was fairly outgoing and confident.

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/04/2014 20:55

Hi op

Night terrors are common with little ones, I understand your worried and stressed because you have twins as well. But, I feel I need to say that your stress is going to get communicated to her unless you can find a way to calm down, and this will ramp hers up.

At her age she has minimum language and ways of expressing herself. Ide like to suggest gently talking to her about how she feels and what scares her, give her lots of drawing paper and crayons or pencils whatever she prefers and encourage her to draw. Her being able to get it out in some way will be a huge help for her, and you can ask open questions as she does it to encourage her to talk about the scary stuff.

Once she feels she can get some control of what's scaring her she may start to draw on her own, and a becomes her own little therapist. Thanks

Original poster
PyjamasandSlippers · 19/04/2014 21:01

I don't think it's night terrors as she did wake up. I think she's had a nightmare and hasn't been able to distinguish it from reality. It's hard as whenever I ask her to tell me what's wrong she clams up. She has a bit of a speech delay, so I think she doesn't know how to put it into words.

I admit I'm quite an anxious person, but I try so, so hard not to let it show. I just want to deal with this in the right way- for all my DDs. I don't want my oldest DD to feel like I'm abondonibg her, but equally I can't just leave my 1 year olds either. I just don't know how to handle this.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 19/04/2014 21:03

Op if she clams up I still point to towards my post, give her some drawing materials.

eyeroller · 19/04/2014 21:03

Should I reassure her & then shut the door

if you were scared out of your wits, would you settle down if someone shut you in a room, alone and terrified in the dark?

Original poster
PyjamasandSlippers · 19/04/2014 21:11

I did say I felt I couldn't just reassure her & leave her to it. But I need to deal with my other DDs too. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I just want to be able to handle this in the best way possible so she goes back to being happy to sleep. But I don't know what that is.

Thanks for the suggestion of drawing- i'll try that. However I've ways found it difficult getting her to sit and draw. They've even told me at nursery she hates doing it & puts her hands behind her back!

OP posts:
softlysoftly · 19/04/2014 21:20

Calm but firm you need. She sounds like she's being a bit extreme abput 1 nightmare and so are you.

DD1 (my good sleeper) has decided she's scared of giants in the sky (she's 4) I also have dd2 (20m) my rubbish sleeper and pg with dc3.

I just adjusted bedtime you need to adapt. So instead ofgetting both to bed I get both ready then let DD1 sit in her room with the ipad or a book to wind down while I give DD2 her bottle then they both get cuddles kisses and told repeatedly there are no giants and I sit in between their 2 bedrooms so they know I'm not leaving but I'm not stuck begging 1 to sleep while the other screams.

its crap for now and requires a lot of taking them back to bed but eventually they will be fine again.

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/04/2014 21:22

Drawing is just one tool op,

You could try sand play or fuzzy felt, anything creative and crafty beads etc. playing with dolls or other figures making up little scenarios, like dolly having a nightmare so what could dolly do to feel better or make it go away etc.

Iwillorderthefood · 19/04/2014 21:26

I pretend to grab all of the bad dreams out of the room and throw them out of the window. It seems to work. That and making sure to highlight that it is just a dream. I would kelt her have her door open, just being able to hear you might be enough.

Original poster
PyjamasandSlippers · 19/04/2014 21:27

Thank you everyone for your advice. It's good to hear from people who've been there.

She's got a new baby doll so we'll play a game tomorrow of putting her to bed

OP posts:
Iwillorderthefood · 19/04/2014 21:27

And you can keep going back to reassure her in between looking after the other DDs

runawaysimba · 19/04/2014 21:38

We went through this a few months ago. I bought DD a little unicorn wall decal from the $2 shop and put it above her head, telling her the unicorn would cast a magic happy dreams spell. It took a few nights, but she really relaxed and still says goodnight to the unicorn every night and tells it what she wants to dream about (usually kittens!).

runawaysimba · 19/04/2014 21:40

I should add that in those first few nights, we kept going in to reassure her and remind her the unicorn was looking after her. When she had a good sleep, we'd say the unicorn had done a great job looking after her.

softlysoftly · 19/04/2014 21:41

Oh Iwills post reminded me, I also make DD1 feel secure and giggle by telling her that her silly head was making the dreams that aren't real so I tell her to hush and speak directly to her head sternly.

"Now head baby girl didn't want that silly dream so tonight you will only dream of faries and lollipops and horses ok?"

She then gets involved by saying things she likes to dream in whispers so I can tell her head.

First night we did that she told me her head was doing as it was told now Grin

CouldntGiveAMonkeysToss · 19/04/2014 21:43

My 3 yr old sometimes gets scared of shadows or lights and things, he's had nightmares a couple of times too. He's nearly four now, also has speech delay though his speech is quite good now.
What helps with him is to be very calm about it and reassuring. I've explained what shadows are, about street lights, car lights, what dreams are etc. He rarely wakes now and if he does he reassures himself (I hear him cry then he'll say to himself "oh it's just a shadow of the tree" and go back to sleep).
When he was younger I used to sit by the bed, stroke his head and tell him it was ok, there wasn't dragons in his room (or whatever), they were just pretend dragons, not real ones. Then I'd tell him a story, usually based on something that he'd done and enjoyed like a visit to a farm, he'd then join in and eventually fall asleep thinking happy memories about his day at the farm.
There were times when he was really really distressed and those times DH would take him downstairs with a pillow and blanket, get him a drink, put a peppa pig dvd on and let him watch a couple of episodes until he was calm, then he'd tell him a story and once he was asleep he'd carry him back up to his bed.
The main thing is to reassure and teach them that there's nothing to be scared of.
He's completely fine with the dark etc now and sleeps all night without any issues. Your DD will sleep normally again, this is just a phase and you will all get through it.

Smartiepants79 · 19/04/2014 21:52

Who normally goes to bed first, her or the twins?
I have 2 girls with a similar age gap and when I'm on my own I do this-
Tea and bath all together.
Settle my oldest with a story CD or 20 mins of TV.
Then devote myself to getting the youngest into bed.
When she is settled I can then spend as much time as I need to on getting the oldest into bed.
It can mean that she is in bed a bit later than I would like but we have no tantrums or upset.
Has she told you what the nightmare was about?

hotcrosshunny · 20/04/2014 07:10

You need to model that it is ok and you're not abandoning her. I would have bedtime as normal I.e. your usual routine but when it comes to the but where you turn the light off, give her a cuddle and a night light (or maybe a light show or story cd!). Leave the door open and deal with the twins.

Alternatively can you put them in the same room? Might be a squeeze But worth considering.

Penguin0fMadagascar · 20/04/2014 11:11

Although they weren't as extreme as your DD's, both of my DSs have had periods of time where they had frequent nightmares, and these are the things I did to try and help;

  • Drew a "magic circle" in the air around them before they went to sleep, which keeps all bad dreams out (my Mum did this when I was little)
  • Discussed good dreams they would like to have before they went to sleep
  • Took them to the "woo" shop in town to choose and buy a dream catcher (I had a quiet word with the assistant and she explained all about how they worked and was generally very sweet).

I hope she gets over this soon - it is horrible to see a child so distressed.

redskyatnight · 20/04/2014 11:29

A couple of nights is nothing.
When DS was almost 3 we went on holiday, he got up in the night and couldn't get out of his bedroom (the door was different, so he shut it and then couldn't manage the handle). Of course we came and let him out as soon as we heard him screaming.

It took him a good 2-3 months of being back at home and lots of patience at bedtime to get over his (genuine) fear.

Give your DD all the reassurance she needs, if that means sitting up with her half the night, then that's what you have to do! A child who was previously a good sleeper (DS wasn't) should slip back into good sleeping patterns quite quickly.

somewheresomehow · 20/04/2014 17:50

she will pick up on your panic even though your trying not to show it, and the more you react the more scared she will be. Are you scared because she is not sleeping as she was and you don't want a disturbed night time again. It will get better in the long term but you have to stop panicking just because she has had a bad few nights/days