To think that being a SAHP and being a WOHP both have advantages and disadvantages...

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

And that we should accept that the choice that works best for our own family and circumstances may not be the right choice for another family and their circumstances?

I have done both, though I wasn't a WOHM for long. There are things that make me very glad I got to be a SAHM, and things that make me hanker to be a WOHM. The one thing I am sure of is that the vast majority of parents make the best choices they can for their family, and that the vast majority also worry about whether they have made the right decision - we all second- third- and fourth-guess our decisions and choices.

I think sometimes, some people fall into the trap of criticising those who,have made the opposite choice to them, because it makes them feel better about their decision if they can 'prove' it is the right decision - because the other decision is 'wrong'. But we don't need to do that.

I genuinely think that mothers, in particular, are already way too good at self-criticism, and we don't need to be getting any more from other people.

Have confidence in the decision you have made - don't listen to critical voices who are trying to put you down to prove themselves right - and let other people make a different decision to you without worrying that their decision makes yours wrong.

Probably not something that people on here need to hear, but I felt like saying it.

Great post.

YANBU. Embrace your choices, leave others alone to embrace theirs. Tis not a competition.

Absolutely agree with this.

I've been both SAHP and WOHP and in each situation I have, at times, wanted to be the other one.

Totally agree OP
Problem is on both sides you only have to voice your opinion and you are blasted by somebody who thinks different.

Totally agree. I feel judged by some people as they work. I don't think people think sometimes. Choices aren't black and white

"I think sometimes, some people fall into the trap of criticising those who,have made the opposite choice to them, because it makes them feel better about their decision if they can 'prove' it is the right decision - because the other decision is 'wrong'. But we don't need to do that."

^^

Spot on!

I work 18.5 hours per week so I literally am a SAHP half the week and a WOHP the other half so I get the best or the worst of both worlds depending on how you view it.

I think criticism of either role is just yet another stick to beat parents and particularly mothers with.

too right

tweasels i just said the 'best/worst of all worlds ' on another thread. definitely true! running round like a blue arsed fly being all things to everyone. love it though

tbh most mums i know work part, not full time

I have done di rent scenarios of all too. I have just come to the conclusion that chippy, vapid mothers or ant persuasion are best avoided the

Of any persuasion
Arf!

Ants rule

Nice OP.

The one point that I feel gets lost a lot with these debates is that it is rarely a real choice. Sometimes a mother may have a choice to work outside the home or to be a stay at home mother. Sometimes.

But most have no choice at all. Money or situations specific to each family (ie. redundancy, illness, family needs, etc) dictate what we need to do. On this basis I find the criticism leveled at each category to be cruel for it is not an indulgent choice as presumed, but necessity dictating what we do.

We do what we must do.

I always avoid chippy, vapid ants

That is a very good point indeed, LadyCybil.

YA absoloutely NBU and neither is LadyCybil

Agree totes. But doesn't make for interesting media copy. Bet I don't see this thread on fb or twitter...

I might be getting ahead of myself here at only 16 posts in but this may be the nicest/non goadiest/most civilised SAHP/WOHP thread EVER on Mumsnet.

Do you think we should start one on BF/FF?

I know, sunny - I should be ashamed of myself!

I dunno Sunny; "Agreement breaks out on Mumsnet Shocker" in 40 point - could happen

Tweasels :o they are the absolute worst variety imo

Amen but I was also going to add what ladycybil said. I get so bored of seeing posts sniping at the opposite.

Tweasels - my views on bf/ff are broadly similar - we all make the decisions we think are best for us and our babies, and shouldn't need to prove anyone else's decision 'wrong' in order to feel comfortable,that our decision is 'right'.

Mind you - the one person who was the most harshly critical of me for my decision to ff, was me. I branded myself a failure for years, and hurt myself a lot by doing so - so I am a bit of a hypocrite for my live-and-let-live view on the subject.

Totally agree OP

I am immensely lucky in that I had the best of both worlds ( on paper)
Kept my career going,2 salaries and we did back to back childcare . (never spent a penny) BUT there were days I was at work and wished I was home and vice versa.( DP felt the same too )
Such is life !

Ohh Bunnies !

Give it time.

In fairness as I've posted before, the main problems seem to be when either side believes what they are doing is the best for their family, the opposite side then sees it as a dig at them. Quite often you can be answering a thread right on topic, not goading anybody but just saying what you think. It is a shame that some people can't just say, well I think the opposite and this works better for us.
Nobody knows everything about a particular person on here, or what their life consists of, yet they still manage to be nasty.
As I say its a shame as perhaps we could learn something from each other.

One thing that increasingly bothers me about the SAHM v WOHM debate is that it pits mothers against each other which obscures the much bigger issues over the status of women, more equal parental leave etc.