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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry at dh and MIL (shock, horror!)

30 replies

Odaat · 19/04/2014 15:13

Ok I know MILs get a lot of negative press, but pleAse bare with as mine is a genuine cunt !

Basically I fell out with inlaws after mil told me (unnecessarily so) dh and I should split up and basically had a go at me after me and dh had an argument (that was his basterd fault)...

I stuck up for myself to mil which resulted in sil threatening to 'smack me one' (classy, I know)

I am sorry to bore you with all this but it is necessary ... Basically for the greater good of my family (and for a quiet life) I forgave the mil and sil. However, they have refused to forgive my mum (who basically had a go at them for the way they treated me / bullied me)

Now it was recently a party that required all the fam there. Mil and sil swanned in and blanked my mum, who did look over at them to atleast try and say a hello- but they didn't even acknowledge her. They then sat at the party away from everyone and ignored everyone despite knowing people there. I continually went over to them and made an effort , despite them ignoring my mum. Several times dh snapped at me - i later found out his mum was stressing him out as usual by requesting he collects something for her in 3 weeks time! (Despite having plenty of other family members who could, she constantly puts on my dh - who has a family and works two fuming jobs) so he was stressed which resulted in him being snappy with me (he is An idiot at times)

When we got home dh was upset as he had ended up snapping at his mum for going on at him at a party about something 3 week away. He couldn't get hold her via phone and ended up texting her saying sorry for being stressed. I said to him why should he say sorry to her, he is enabling her martyr behaviour by chasing her and apologising despite it being her fault (she does this ALOT to dh) knows he worries about her but craves the attention ...

AIBU to think fuck his stupid mother and sil - they have had the chance to reconcile with my mum, as I had to with them (after they did far worse to me I may add!)
I did think bein nice and seeing them would be good for our family, now I just think his mil is trouble maker -who stresses dh out and I get it in the neck too. If I have nothing to do with her i wont have to tolerate all her bullshit.

Why should I be nice and tolerate her if she isn't even willing to do the same for me my dh and my mum??

I know family is family but she is really do no good for mine as far as I can see... I would never stop dh seeing her or dd, but I just feel time after time she causes an atmosphere and makes eveything about her. Just to add, I am not the only to feel this way- she has a strained rlship with her father and sister (because they basically dare to tell her to get a grip)

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 19/04/2014 15:21

Has your DH visited the stately homes thread? Maybe its time for you to go LC, as in non-existent until you have to goto a family thing. It's clear, despite you trying to apologise, that you won't be forgiven or the bygones going by, so sod it. If it were me, I would ask why waste time trying? If your DH wants to see them, then fair enough. But I only suggest this from what you've written, as you've said both you and your mother have tried, only for you to be ignored.

maddy68 · 19/04/2014 15:29

Your dh snapped at his mum and you. He should quite rightly apologise to you both. Your mil was rude to ignore your mother however they have had an argument and perhaps it was best they didn't speak

I would just keep out of it. Your dh seems stressed by trying to keep both parties happy

Just ignore her, don't invite her to your home, you don't have to have anything to do with her, just it your dh take the kids to see her once a week

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/04/2014 15:33

maddy68
"Your dh snapped at his mum and you. He should quite rightly apologise to you both."

I can see why he should apologise to the OP but why should he be apologising to his mum?

but FYI he did apologise to his mum, he has tried and she ignored his calls, fairly classic Toxic parent.

maddy68 · 19/04/2014 16:53

Because he snapped at her?

RRRJ83 · 19/04/2014 18:01

It's his mum, I think it makes sense he is going to work on a relationship with her. He shouldn't just think f her like you easily can.

You're mad with her, as you're loyal to your mum, so you can think f her. But you should be able to be mad with her without affecting your dh decisions to keep peace with her.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/04/2014 18:35

Maddy68

She wound him up, Stresses him out etc. Shouldn't she be apologising to him?

Original poster
Odaat · 19/04/2014 18:36

RRRJ pleas re read my post...

Maddy ... I clearly stated mil was giving dh a hard time as per usual and stressing him out at a supposedly joyful occasion as usual and he got a bit stressed out with her (for once!) why the hell should be chase her. Ah should apologise for sitting there with a face like a slapped arse , making orders for dh and everything about her as usual...

OP posts:
Original poster
Odaat · 19/04/2014 18:37

Mil should apologise *

OP posts:
Original poster
Odaat · 19/04/2014 18:38

Exactly Boney...?
I have noticed there are some mad MIL defenders on here! They will blame a man always and defend the poor mil regardless of her abhorrent actions (hence my intro to my post)

OP posts:
Original poster
Odaat · 19/04/2014 18:40

I literally could list five thousand fucking things the woman has done as then maybe I would get some useful advice? As opposed to poor mil and dh is a basterd

OP posts:
NearTheWindymill · 19/04/2014 18:45

To be perfectly honest the you all sound a "right lot". Be civil, be polite, and don't wash any dirty linen in public. My MIL is an absolute cow but it's never taken public - in fact she's such a cow it's never taken in front of DH. She is certainly too manipulative to do it in front of my mother. But hey ho, 25 years on, neither of her dds came back from the continents to which they escaped as soon as they could, and DH and I will be responsible for choosing her care home Grin. Oh, and it will perfect by the way - but all care will be subcontracted.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 19/04/2014 18:51

If you look at the whole situation and who is really to blame .
Is it MIL. ? In your opinion quite rightly you blame her because she was rude to your mum after you forgave them for the sake of family harmony.
Is it DH ?.It still goes back to MIL as as he was stressing him out with constantly going on at him and that's why he snapped at you.
The bottom line is you can't get arsey with people just because they don't automatically agree with you .I know you are frustrated but you come across as immature and unreasonable.
If you post in AIBU people will say what they feel .
I hope you do find a solution to your problem .

Original poster
Odaat · 19/04/2014 19:40

Thanks. I may be immature compared to some, I also feel I do not articulate myself as best as I could on here :/
Still unsure what to do...
In RL people who know me and them are in agreement with her being unreasonable. However i like getting veiws off of here too as I feel it is a more varied, wider forum. I do not get annoyed by people not agreein with me, I just her very frustrated when people take in excerpt from my post and run with it as a means to Contradict me. As opposed to honestly go if their straight forward answer on the whole post- as others have :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Odaat · 19/04/2014 19:42

Near the wind mill :) thanks ! I am sure we are compared to your idyllic little family you care to describe :) sorry we are more of the upfront kinda folk !

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 19/04/2014 19:44

Did you post about this before? It seems really familiar.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/04/2014 19:45

The thing is that you don't have to look very hard to see why so many wives complain that their DHs are still under their mother's thumb.

Especially if they are brought up with you should always apologise to your mother even if she is in the wrong.

Original poster
Odaat · 19/04/2014 19:45

Yes mamma I have posted quite a bit about the inlaws- though not this particular episode .
I recieved helpful honest advice each time - hence coming back for more! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Odaat · 19/04/2014 20:03

Very true Boney...

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/04/2014 20:14

I know family loyalties run deep but when DCs grow up and settle down with another adult it's time to accept that their perspective shifts.

The lines blur when out of good or bad motives other people get dragged into an argument. If at all possible every adult should fight their own battles but in real life the pack instinct kicks in. Both mothers stuck their oar in and if anything they just added fuel to the flames.

As you said OP you're not aiming to prevent DH from seeing his more troublesome family members so I don't see why you can't decide for yourself whether you want to expend any more effort trying to bridge gaps.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/04/2014 20:14

Yes she sounds like a pita. As is your SIL. Minimise your contact. You don't need to socialise with her and seeing her is causing stress.
But your DH seems like a bit of a pita too, sorry.
I know we all get irritable, and couples bicker, that's normal.
But his being annoyed with himself for bowing to maternal pressure and running around after her his DM is not an excuse for snapping at you.
So as a one off I'd let it go, but I would be pissed off if it was a common theme as I'd worry he might be just like them.
Is there a fil?

Original poster
Odaat · 19/04/2014 20:17

No fil... Lots of martyrdom on her part there too. Though the more time goes on i do wonder how much of their fathers absence being her fault in a way too.

Anyway, may I ask what is pita?

OP posts:
eyeroller · 19/04/2014 20:24

Three sides to every story, yours theirs and the truth !

I would love it if the other party put their sides, I bet it would encourage posters not to be so gullible :)

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/04/2014 20:36

eyeroller
"Three sides to every story, yours theirs and the truth !
I would love it if the other party put their sides"

Do you say that about every thread on MN? Because if that is how you truly believe then there isn't much point in being on any forum.

Original poster
Odaat · 19/04/2014 20:42

What an odd thing to say on a forum eye roller ...
Why do bother to read my post if you feel that way. Odd.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/04/2014 21:08

Pita= pain in the arse. Blush

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