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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to go to work?

67 replies

Tamlyn07 · 18/04/2014 14:17

I knew I wanted to be a vet when I was 13. It was all I wanted to be and worked hard to get into Girton and then to get my license. I invested seven years of study and spent another two years establishing my practice.

I gave birth in December and I want to go back to work...I love my job, I cant imagine not doing it.

However my husband, who has just been made an SHO said he can support my DS and me and I don't have to go back. That I can be a stay at home mum until my DS goes to reception.....and everyone friends and family think this is an amazing idea.

I feel like I am being a bad mother for choosing to go to work when I don't have to ......MM worked full time since I was 3 months and I barely saw her because she travelled a lot, but I still love her and we still spend time together and have a great relationship.

I feel like I am duty bound to be a stay at home mother.....where so many mothers have no choice to go to work....I feel like a bad mother for wanting/longing to go back to work. I have worked all my life....I was making pizzas at my uncles restaurant when I was 17 to save up money for Uni.

To be at home, to meet other non working mothers and talk about washing up detergent and do household chores and ask my DH for £20 for groceries seems like my idea of hell.....

Any advice will be welcome

OP posts:
WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 18/04/2014 14:20

Go part time, work 3 days a week and find a nice nursery. Stay at home 4 days a week.
Heaven.

LadyMaryLikesCake · 18/04/2014 14:21

He should support your decisions. Go back to work or you'll just end up resenting him. You're not just a mother, you're Tam too.

fifi669 · 18/04/2014 14:25

You had a child not a lobotomy, go back to work! Start p/t see how it feels and build up if you want to.

ilovesooty · 18/04/2014 14:26

He has no right just to decide for you. You have a life and established career and should have your needs met within the family.

fifi669 · 18/04/2014 14:26

Plus what if you have more children? You could find you're in your idea of hell for a long time.

Thomyorke · 18/04/2014 14:27

You have choices which is a good thing as long as you choose what is good for you, because that will reflect in what is good for your family.

eurochick · 18/04/2014 14:27

Go back to work. Not everyone is cut out for being a sahm. It isn't only about money.

Primrose123 · 18/04/2014 14:31

If you want to go back to work, go back! Could you do part-time? Or do you want to go full time? If I were you, without financial worries, I would work part time, and have a nanny. You could really have the best of both worlds - a job that you love and time with your baby.

If you don't go back for a few years, won't you be very out of touch with work? You have a great degree and the opportunity to have a wonderful career - it does seem a shame to waste that.

Primrose123 · 18/04/2014 14:33

I forgot to say also, you are very very lucky to have a job that you love. If you really do love it, then don't give it up!

Original poster
Tamlyn07 · 18/04/2014 14:34

thanks everyone...no we are done with babies, we have a 3 yr old, a 16 month old and a 3 month old. I went back to work after three months with the first two.....

with the third one I figured it will be the same, but DH thinks the boys need me at home more (I work full time).

We have a great nanny who has been there since my oldest was 3 months, (he goes to pre school now), she was there for his first steps, his first word and even potty trained him.

I am thinking of working part time, but then its my practice, I like to over see everything and I do find when I am not there, I am doing invoices and tax returns at home and sorting things out from home.....

I love my boys but I cant help thinking that they will be ok......I had their life with a busy mother and I turned out ok, so maybe they too will be fine

OP posts:
Blithereens · 18/04/2014 14:35

Christ, no. Go back to work. You have to do what is right for you. Down with the Guilt Brigade!

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 18/04/2014 14:35

Drip-feeding. Not helpful OP.

13Stitches · 18/04/2014 14:37

Some of us were built to stay at home with children, some of us were built to work.

Don't feel bad. I love my work, and I love DS, but I don't cope well at home with DS days on end, I'd make a hopeless SAHM, therefore I outsource this role to a childcare professional. She's amazing, DS is happier, we are happier (and we still have plenty of family time).

DON'T feel bad! But use your good financial position to find excellent childcare, consider your options for full or part time, be positive about your lifestyle choices.

CurlyBlueberry · 18/04/2014 15:12

Don't feel bad. Go to work if you want to. I wasn't sure what I would want before I had my son but I love the balance we have now (I work part-time). I'd like to go back full-time after I have my daughter but only if my husband is able to go p/t or potentially stay at home for a few years (he's willing, it's just finding the work/money).

My mother was the same and I have never doubted her love for me/us (I have a brother). But she felt she had to work, like you she worked hard in a professional job and didn't see why she was expected to be the one to give it up. Like 13Stitches says we are not all the same and not all suited to one or the other.

meddie · 18/04/2014 15:36

Go back to work if thats what you want to do. I wasnt cut out to be a sahp either, but then I became a single parent when my youngest was 3 so i,m glad I never gave up my career. You have invested a lot of time and energy in your career.

Incidentally could you support him to be a sahp on your earnings? how would he feel about giving up his career, or does only his career matter.

BigBoobiedBertha · 18/04/2014 15:49

Being a SAHP isn't anything like you describe in your paragraph but still, if you want to work, work. Part time would be a good compromise if your husband wants you to be at home more and you are happy to do that. Working from home some of the time would mean more time with the children too.

If you want to go back full time tell your DH. it isn't like he is forcing you to stay home is it?

THB I don't really see what the problem is other than the ones you are putting in your own way.

antimatter · 18/04/2014 15:49

outsource as much of work stuff as you can so you don't do much at home when you are back in the evenings

how about suggesting he becomes SAHP?

NewNameForSpring · 18/04/2014 16:01

Part time sounds ideal but of course go full time if you want.

But please don;t suggest SAHMs just sit around talk about washing up detergent and do chores - that is extremely insulting and narrow minded.

Aventurine · 18/04/2014 16:08

Do what you want. If you want to go back to work and think that all you'd find to do if you stayed home is talk about washing detergent then go back.

Mammysin · 18/04/2014 16:11

Gosh go back full time. As you run your own practice, you would end up chasing stuff up on your days off anyway presumably. I am annoyed on your behalf though. I agree with antimatter why doesn't DH become SAHP as he sees a need for one parent to be at home? Please don't feel guilty for wanting to be at work. Good luck!

kelda · 18/04/2014 16:13

Go back to work full time. In Belgium (where I live) most professional people go back to work full time after just three or four months maternity leave.

A full time working mother is not only acceptable in Belgium, but also expected in Belgium, and SAHMs are frowned upon (which is also wrong of course).

popcornpaws · 18/04/2014 16:15

I was a sahm for years and years, by choice and i can't remember ever talking about detergent and household chores to anyone!
You have a choice, make the one that is right for you, but don't feel you have to insult the role that suits others.

Flyingducky · 18/04/2014 16:16

Go back to work. Suggest to dh he goes part time Wink

Aventurine · 18/04/2014 16:18

Being a sahp is only worth doing if you see some value in it for your children. You don't by the sound of it, so go back. Particularly if other than talking about your job the only thing you'd be able to think of talking about is washing detergent.

fidelineish · 18/04/2014 16:18

To be at home, to meet other non working mothers and talk about washing up detergent

Bit rude isn't it? You must know some very odd SAHMs Hmm

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