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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by this (yes, benefits related, sorry)

406 replies

Spotbakesacake · 18/04/2014 12:15

Name changed for this.

Dsd is with is is week. She randomly just dropped in to the conversation that her mums bf has moved a lot of his stuff back to his parents as he has moved back there in order that they can get more money which they need to buy a house in August. He still visits every day and stays over some nights. She was talking about his Xbox and said it was at his parents as he needed to have enough things there to convince 'them' that he didn't live there anymore.

To me this reads that he has nominally moved out in order that the mum can claim housing benefit again (as she only works a couple of days a week)

They have reserved a new build house that should be ready in august, dsd says they don't have enough money for it yet though.

The bf is in a well paid job, I think he earns nearly as much as dh actually. They are obviously impatient to move which I do understand. But this doesn't seem a very honest way to go about it. Dh and I saved for ages to have a house deposit.

Dh told me that his ex has been investigated for benefit fraud before although I have no idea what for, that was years ago. I only know because she thought it was him that reported her (he wasn't)

It's not that I have anything against dsd mum, I don't really know her but she seems nice enough. And it's not that I have any plans to try and report her or anything (unless people think I should!) I realise I know nothing like the full story. I'm just feeling rather grr about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spotbakesacake · 18/04/2014 14:58

I put reference to benefits in the title because a. I've read a thread recently complaining about people who don't make reference to the content of their thread in the title and b. so that those who do not wish to read a thread about benefits don't have to click on it.

But you know what, it's not really about benefits anyway is it, because I don't have a problem with benefits and I hope everyone who is entitled to them is getting everything they deserve. It's about playing the system for your own gain, which I do believe is wrong, and this has nothing to do with me being a 'second wife'. Obviously as a 'second wife' I have nothing to do with my life but spend it being bitter and twisted about that fact, that is certainly something I have learnt from mn over the years. It's just not possible for us secod wives to be motivated by anything other than utter resentment and hatred of our partners exes.

OP posts:
usualsuspectt · 18/04/2014 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gordyslovesheep · 18/04/2014 14:59

I am eating carrots and watching the Doctor Who fest on Watch Grin

fidelineish · 18/04/2014 15:00

I'm a very pleasant and laid-back second wife OP, if I do say so myself.

I wouldn't dream of doing what you're doing.

Original poster
Spotbakesacake · 18/04/2014 15:00

I knew I should have written this post differently. I rather imagine if I'd just said it was a friend of mine some of these posts would have been a bit different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spotbakesacake · 18/04/2014 15:02

Good for you fidelineish so if your dsc mentioned something like this to you, you just wouldn't even give it a second thought? Then you are indeed a better person than me.

OP posts:
fifi669 · 18/04/2014 15:03

I don't need to think it through dear..... I was a single mum, I worked, no one owed me a living. The DC quality of life isn't effected by whether ex owns her home or not. It could be effected if she's found out fudging a claim and is fined or imprisoned however.

OP you are perfectly reasonable.

fidelineish · 18/04/2014 15:03

I wonder what your DSD would think if you knew you seized on her innocent remarks and repeated them online accompanied by a slagging off of her mother?

LineRunner · 18/04/2014 15:03

Why do you need people's posts to be different?

fidelineish · 18/04/2014 15:05

if your dsc mentioned something like this to you, you just wouldn't even give it a second thought?

I'd mentally file it as a) a remark from a nine year old and b) actually none of my business?

Wouldn't most people?!

Original poster
Spotbakesacake · 18/04/2014 15:08

Linerunner, because it seems to have become all about how bitter I am as opposed to whether or not it's ok to do this, which is surely missing the point a bit.

OP posts:
VampyreofTimeandMemory · 18/04/2014 15:08

my goodness, my dd's dad receives all benefits for dd - he's the NRP! I've never mentioned it on MN until today Blush, it IS my business and it IS fraudulent. Your DP should just remember that his daughter benefits from this!

fidelineish · 18/04/2014 15:09

I just think step-family life is hard enough and it is best to narrow your focus I can see we won't agree. I suspect you are step-parenting board devotee. Good luck with it all anyhow.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 18/04/2014 15:10

fifi she's not doing anything illegal Confused

LineRunner · 18/04/2014 15:11

Well, look, OP, I'm an ExW and I am in a relationship with a man who himself has an ExW. People have history.

We all have to put the housing security of the children first, because that is the moral thing to do.

fidelineish · 18/04/2014 15:12

Narrow your focus to things that actually are your business, I mean.

Original poster
Spotbakesacake · 18/04/2014 15:13

I don't understand that post vampyre.

I don't even know if dh knows this, and if he did I can guarantee he really wouldn't care one little bit. That's not his style. And you know what, I don't care THAT much, not as much as people seem to think anyway. I asked if this was reasonable behaviour, am shocked to find that apparently it is, but ok.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Spotbakesacake · 18/04/2014 15:14

Actually I bloody hate the step parenting board on here, so no, I never post on it.

OP posts:
fifi669 · 18/04/2014 15:14

I posted earlier that counting as a couple goes by more than just where you put your x box. Joint financial commitments, future plans (I'd say having a house reserved ticks those boxes), how you are perceived publicly (would your friends, co workers etc say you're a couple) are all factors. So I actually think if someone did report them it's be found they made a fraudulent claim and would indeed be illegal.

HappyGirlNow · 18/04/2014 15:15

haha well let's go rob a bank and buy a house - that's morally the right thing to do as it's putting the housing security of our children first..

Let's commit benefit fraud to enhance the housing security of outer children as that's morally right?!

Um, aren't they already in a house?

WTAF.

Original poster
Spotbakesacake · 18/04/2014 15:15

Although that is partly because I don't really have any relevent issues to that board, seeing as I am not the bitter resentful step mum I seem to have managed to portray myself as on here!

OP posts:
VampyreofTimeandMemory · 18/04/2014 15:16

what's stopping your from reporting, OP?

fifi669 · 18/04/2014 15:17

I don't think the child's housing security is at risk if they have to wait another year to buy their own home without resorting to fraud!

LineRunner · 18/04/2014 15:18

HappyGirl Ever thought of hosting Newsnight?

badidea · 18/04/2014 15:19

OP - have (sadly) read all of this thread - and the hysterics spouted repeatedly. In response to your actual question - No, I don't think you are being unreasonable to get irked by someone milking the system (which is what is going on - we're not talking about someone claiming a benefit they need, we're talking about claiming a benefit they want so they can enter the property ladder which is hardly the purpose of the welfare system).

People like this simply undermine the welfare system for everyone else and give other claimants a bad name - this is the kind of use of housing benefit that the Tories love to bray about - for all those posters currently on benefits and mistakenly believing this is a benefit bashing thread and the ex-partner must be above reproach as the poor thing is a fellow claimant - remember that it is because of people like her that the ConDems have started their assault on the benefits system, and far more needy people will miss out because of those who see benefits as 'no harm' fund they can claim whenever they fancy.