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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunches out

53 replies

Sally40000 · 18/04/2014 10:04

Does anyone else have the problem that their husband always has a canteen, and plus often eats out at lunch with friends. I am part-time and work in a tiny firm, no canteen or sandwich shop near. So I ALWAYS make the effort to take in something to microwave.

A further problem! A recent email he sent to a very old friend of his about a b/party has elicited the response from her "If you cannot come, we will of course meet in the Swan" !!! er.. nothing was mentioned to me.

I don't think there is anything going on between them as such, only we are trying pretty hard to economise, two children at uni and one with a huge mortgage - so we never never get to eat out in the evening and it doesn't seem fair that he has turned out to have been eating some lovely pub lunches without even saying - because I thought he was at the work canteen.

Should I start packing him sandwiches please??

OP posts:
Ruprekt · 18/04/2014 11:26

Are you chewing on that wasp Sharon? Shock

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 18/04/2014 11:30

No, why?
And was that a lame attempt at humour?

Thomyorke · 18/04/2014 11:30

I have has jobs where lunch was just the time to eat but I have also had jobs where eating lunch out was networking, and not going led to no bonus and missing out on contacts.

CarrotIronfoundersson · 18/04/2014 11:31

Sandwiches for tea, then, surely? Nobody has to have a hot meal in the evening.

ICanSeeTheSun · 18/04/2014 11:31

Now and again I will make something for work, especially left over salad.

Generally I just buy it at work as it's easier.

Why are you paying your DC mortgage that's is crazy.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 18/04/2014 12:16

While it is nice to support your grown children financially, you should not begrudge your DH spending money on lunches. In fact, I recommend you organise a regular lunch with him.

Life is for living, your DH and yourself should keep enough money back to ensure you can also have fun times. Don't be a martyr to your children. Big mortgage no money has it's place in life of young couple.

Ruprekt · 18/04/2014 16:19

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........splat!!!!!!!Wink

fluffyraggies · 18/04/2014 17:01

''it is because he has been going out to lunch with a female friend, I don't know how often, I don't know when, I don't know really whether she does pay her own lunch, but primarily because the email very much implies that she can decide when the lunch might take place''

''I would still like him to come home and say "Guess who I met for lunch" - and not discover this in an email to what is frankly obviously a joint mail address.''

OK sally - forget the DCs and the sandwich making. It's obvious you need to talk about the above. Have you told him you feel a little left out of the lunch outings?

Original poster
Sally40000 · 18/04/2014 17:29

Only found out about 48 hours ago. He said her husband has quite often come too, over the years. We see this couple about every two years or so, socially - at some evening do usually. Nobody has ever mentioned this to me when we saw them. I don't really feel much better that she sometimes brings her husband. I thought - well why did they not tell me/invite me?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 18/04/2014 17:37

Well - if I'm following this correctly(?) - is it because they work near each other and you don't ?
Am still a bit confused about what it is exactly you are cross about

  • the cost of eating out ?
The fact he wasn't reporting in to you on where he's eaten? The fact he's met a friend when you weren't there ? The fact you haven't eaten out in the evening together for a while? The fact you don't ever go out at lunchtime ? Confused
kinkyfuckery · 18/04/2014 17:44

Am so very confused.

parakeet · 18/04/2014 18:48

You don't sound very good at managing your money if you feel you have to scrimp on eating out so your adult children can afford their mortgage. Let your children stand on their own two feet. Maybe they should downsize or work extra hours - they chose to take on that mortgage, it's their problem.

Oh, and men are perfectly capable of making a sandwich by the way.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 18/04/2014 18:49

Just ask to be included in future...

Original poster
Sally40000 · 18/04/2014 19:19

They don't work anywhere near each other, she works miles away very part time I think and in another county, but apparently has managed to be "just passing" at lunch time.

I have asked to be included, but apparently it may be difficult as she rings at "short notice" so apparently it might be difficult for me to make the appointment as am not terribly near there.

I really don't know if there is anything in this, its just getting an email bouncing into the inbox saying "we shall meet up in the pub" which was a surprise I suppose - because if I was meeting someone in the pub at lunchtimes I would have told him. Just because I come out with things I suppose. I mean why not mention you met friends anyway ... the big deal is not mentioning it isn't it?

OP posts:
wolfwhistler · 18/04/2014 19:22

but I need to be told what he does

really? Does he demand hour by hour itemised lists of what you are doing

SpringBreaker · 18/04/2014 19:23

Maybe he didn't mention it because he thought you would get in a strop about it though..

Original poster
Sally40000 · 18/04/2014 19:38

Mom of 2 Girls has put "just ask to be included". I have asked. I have been told that she can ring at short notice, so I suppose we will have to wait and see if I could be afforded the same privilege.

We will have to be patient girls, as it seems they have been lunching for some time, we wont really know for a while whether I get a lunch or not!!

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 18/04/2014 19:47

Yabu

I'd tell my dp to fuck off if he tried to tell me what to do with my money during my lunch hour. Or indeed any hour.

We have shared money for our home and shared expenditure. The rest remains our own.

I wouldn't much like my dp telling me I couldn't spend time with my friends either, be they women or men.

fluffyraggies · 18/04/2014 21:08

the big deal is not mentioning it isn't it?

Well that depends on the person. Does he talk about his day in detail usually OP? My DH does. He'll tell me who he's chatted to during his day, where he was at the time and about what. Do you feel he's deliberately leaving these particular lunch details out - of where he's been, or has he just forgotten to mention it do you think?

mummy1973 · 18/04/2014 21:28

op. You said it is obviously a joint email address so she assumes you know she is meeting your husband for lunch?

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 18/04/2014 22:06

Meanwhile, invite him to have lunch out with you. And do it every so often.

Original poster
Sally40000 · 19/04/2014 12:46

Mummy 1973, It is a joint email address, and it does come up as my name, but husband happened to write as she posted a birthday party invite to our address. The previous email threads on this email were about evening meetings between four or five couples, of which she and her husband are one of those couples and that it probably over a number of years

But somehow, I think she has replied to husband without looking at the name or remembering its a joint one.

And yes, it may be a bit controlling that we have a joint email address but he just never bothered to open another one, I wouldn't stop him and I have two others. He just isn't terribly interested in email chatting - apologies for that!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sally40000 · 19/04/2014 12:49

I wouldn't say she assumes that I know she is meeting my husband for lunch.

I would say she inadvertently assumed it was an email I didn't have access to on this particular occasion.

the lunches have never been mentioned when I met her in the evening and I would say I have seen her every two to four years - for ten or fifteen years - with her husband.

OP posts:
Slackgardener · 19/04/2014 13:00

I think you should let your dcs stand on their own two feet and talk to your dh about finances - stop taking responsibility for everyone else's business. Your dh should be grown up enough to make sandwiches, if saving money is what you both agree to do. Arrange lunch and go out if that's what you want to do. Atm you are coming across as a doormat, everyone's needs first.

SoleSource · 19/04/2014 16:17

Are you paying your adult children's mortgages?

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