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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a big wedding?

55 replies

lollipoppi · 18/04/2014 09:45

DP finally proposed in January, we have 2 children

We have talked about various wedding scenarios, ideally we would like to go abroad but on the other hand we really want all of our family to share our day and don't want to put anyone in a position to have to say no if they cannot afford it

So we decided it would be a nice idea to get married in our village church, then over the road to a pub/restaurant (very nice place) that have agreed they would close off to public for us.
We would put plenty of money behind the bar and restaurant would do a buffet, no sit down meal as such.

We just want everybody we love to come and enjoy our day, without a huge fuss.
We would be requesting no presents.

Family on both sides are literally outraged that we are not booking a "proper" wedding reception, sit down meal, evening entertainment blah blah blah Hmm

Tbh we just want to get married, have a nice afternoon/evening with all our family & friends then go on a well overdue holiday with the children.

OP posts:
edwardcullensotherwoman · 18/04/2014 10:52

YANBU, aside from the church you've just described my wedding, and it was the best one I've been to Grin

We got married mid-afternoon at a local pub/hotel then had a buffet and disco in the evening, it was lovely and relaxed and everyone had a fab time. We didn't even bother with speeches.

Exactly, Sandthorn . You can't guarantee pleasing everyone with a set meal, you can't guarantee pleasing everyone with who they sit next to, in fact it's usually the opposite!

And especially since you're paying and organising it yourself, do what you want. If they don't like it, tell them they don't have to come. They'll soon change their tune Wink

It sounds and will be a lovely day, congratulations Smile

DocDaneeka · 18/04/2014 11:00

It is interesting that you are wedding planners and want a small do.

We (are NOT wedding planners) had a very small do similar to yours. Small, local quite intimate. Because we hated the idea of planning.

One of the guests remarked that it was a 'wedding planners wedding' ie the sort of tasteful intimate, pared down sort of do that someone who spent a lot of time organising big dos might choose. We were just lazy, wanted to be married rather than have a wedding and couldn't be aresd with a Big Day.

Stick to your guns. It sounds like it will be fab. Ours was.

specialsubject · 18/04/2014 11:00

tell them that they either accept your invite with good grace, or shut up and don't come along. Whining will not make you decide to have a giant fancy dress party.

in your position I would elope!

LongTimeLurking · 18/04/2014 11:23

Tell them you would love a big wedding if they are offering to pay for it......... as it is you have 2 DC, it would be selfish and irresponsible to blow a fortune on a bit sit down reception and 'proper' wedding.

diddl · 18/04/2014 13:46

Whose wedding is it?

Who is paying?

If the answer is "them", they can have a say!

popcornpaws · 18/04/2014 13:53

Your wedding sounds perfect to me, relaxed and informal.
I hate formal weddings, drawn out boring shite,imo.
We had 8 people at ours 22 year ago, no photographer, no fancy cars, a registry office, buffet at my parents with fizz and a cake then we all went out to a fancy restaurant later that night.
I loved it and would never have changed it because someone was outraged at our plans.

fluffyraggies · 18/04/2014 13:57

Stick to you guns OP.

I have a feeling you will - if you're a wedding planner you'll know better than most how tediously similar all big weddings are Grin

fluffyraggies · 18/04/2014 13:59

That wasnt a dig at you planning boring weddings btw OP Shock.

I just meant all big weddings end up very samey for the guests IME.

Original poster
lollipoppi · 18/04/2014 14:15

Grin Fluffy, that's the thing though, because we plan them all the time I am bored of it!!

Don't get me wrong, I love a good wedding, but just want something more relaxed for us and the children.

Thank you all it's an unanimous YANBU, and I feel really excited about it all again now Smile

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/04/2014 14:22

We wanted a wedding abroad and stuck to our guns. Parents only. (As I knew some siblings couldn't afford it so we just thought it fairer to say we were going off on our own to do it.). In the end, both sets of parents made muttering a about bargain flights so we relented and invited our parents and were glad they came in the end.

However we tried to appease all the great aunties and cousins left at home by having some formulaic evening do in a hotel function room when we got back. I hated every minute of it. We invited too many people: friends of parents, childhood friends we weren't really in touch with anymore and haven't seen since, second cousins who we hardly knew. All because it was EXPECTED by certain people in the family. "Ooh you've got to invite such and such!"

I missed out on the food cos some people were arriving as the buffet was on so my mum went on and on about how it was rude not to go ad greet them IMMEDIATELY. Had a chat with them, came back And my full plate had been cleared away and so had the rest of the buffet. Consequently I was drinking drinks on an empty stomach that I felt forced to accept (by guests who kindly bought them and wouldn't let me refuse).

DJ was the crappest ever and hardly anyone danced, DH spent all night chatting to one group of mates leaving me to mingle with everyone else.

Awful hangover the next day - vomiting. Felt vile. But An auntie insists that I HAD to open the wedding gifts and cards in front of her and my parents even though we had a 200 mile journey to make back home and wanted to just get on the road and open stuff at our leisure at home .

I absolutely hated it all. But because my parents and inlaws paid we felt we had to go along with what they wanted. I really really regret that. Our wedding abroad itself was bloody fabulous and was perfect for us. Very informal and relaxed and done the way WE wanted it done. In hindsight I should have insisted on a much quieter and smaller evening celebration when we got home. A private dining room and nice meal in a restaurant with immediate family would have suited us perfectly. I really wish we'd stuck to our guns, so I urge you: STICK TO YOUR GUNS OR YOU WILL REGRET iT FOREVER!

Nocomet · 18/04/2014 14:29

YANBU
Fortunately DH and I were students and the village church followed by a buffet in the village hall next door was the limit of our budgets.

Neither us or our parents had the money for a fancy hotel do and both our parents idea of hell is an evening dance.

Stick to your guns and get married the way you want to. Apart from anything else your DCs will enjoy a shorter less formal wedding and more ice cream money on holiday!

EllaFitzgerald · 18/04/2014 14:45

I think your way of doing things sounds like a wonderful day. And you'll enjoy it all the more knowing it's exactly the day you both want.

We had a massive wedding (mostly because DH is closely related to half of Wales) but things were very laid back and informal and it was a fun atmosphere. If anyone raised an eyebrow, they were firmly told that they'd either had their day and their chance to do things their way, or that they were welcome to have their own wedding day if they didn't like our way of doing things.

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/04/2014 15:40

Yanbu. It sounds very similar to our wedding last year. We are both in our mid/late 30's and didn't want a massive 'do'

We got married in our very lovely very old town hall then went up to the coast nearby to a pub/retaurant. We hired the large sun room and had a two course meal for about 40. Then invited others to join us for a drink in the evening. It wa fabulous, and so relaxed. I lost count of the amount of people who said it was thebest wedding they had been to.

It was hard not to bow to the pressure though. I am one of three siblings and the only one married and i think my mum was disappointed at my plans but was happy on the day. The amount of pwople saying 'you've GOT to have a disco!' was annoying after a while.

Stick to your guns, people will still enjoy the days even if its not what they would have had themselves.

And congratulations!

squoosh · 18/04/2014 16:21

Your wedding
Your money
Your decision

Tell all the moaners to button it!

Why are some people so horrified if anyone deviates from the boring typical wedding?

squoosh · 18/04/2014 16:24

I do get bored by the competitively frugal, too though.

'I wore an old coal sack and my husband wore a vacant expression. We shared one sandwich between 10 of us and drank each other's wee instead of champagne. Everyone says it was the best wedding they're ever been to'

squoosh · 18/04/2014 16:25

That wasn't in reference to your post by the way Nottalotta, your day sounds lovely!

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/04/2014 17:35

Lol squoosh I almost got offended then!

I wore an expensive dress, the town hall cost a small fortune for about 30 minutes and we provided expensive wine and champers for our guests. LOADS of it!!

That better? Wink

Sparrowlegs248 · 18/04/2014 17:36

We had a small wedding. Not necessarily a cheap one. :-)

sooperdooper · 18/04/2014 17:43

Funny that you work in the wedding industry so that's why you want a small wedding, I work in events so part of the reason I wanted a small wedding was that I saw organising a big one a bit like work!! We got married abroad and got a wedding planner to do it all, it was bliss!!

I can totally understand how planning a wedding can be really exciting for most people it's probably the biggest event they'll ever arrange, but if you do it for work then it's not a challenge :)

yellowdinosauragain · 18/04/2014 17:47

Massive snort at squoosh :o

Op, yanbu. You should absolutely have the day that you and your dh want. And I say that as someone who had, by choice, the traditional big wedding with sit down meal and speeches.

Bobtailstrikesagain · 18/04/2014 17:48

Your wedding plans sound lovely.

You're paying so you get to do what you want and it's your life. What's it got to do with anyone else?

fatlazymummy · 18/04/2014 18:11

I would love to come to your wedding. It sounds absolutely perfect to me. I don't understand why so many people think a wedding must involve a formal sit down reception, when so many people would probably enjoy a more informal party equally, if not more.
Have the wedding you want, and do not give into pressure.

Morgause · 18/04/2014 18:17

It is a proper wedding. That's how they used to be. We didn't have a evening do in the 70s.

stardusty5 · 18/04/2014 18:28

I completely sympathise. I am also trying to organise a wedding. DP and I would love a late afternoon ceremony then straight to a barbecue for a party. No speeches and overpriced chicken.

My mum has already started with the 'its your day but....' and really wants a sit down meal. We get on well and i don't want to feel like i am disappointing her.

Original poster
lollipoppi · 18/04/2014 19:51

Stardusty sounds like we're in the same position.

The wise ladies of MN vote have what we want, and I'm not one to argue Grin

OP posts: