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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it is just not worth the hassle having friends?

44 replies

DogGetOffTheSofa · 17/04/2014 22:47

I have namechanged for this thread but am a regular poster.

I have been Wendied so many times I am starting to think that I am better off not having any friends. There doesn't seem any point. I live in a small town, everyone knows everyone else, and mud sticks.

I was Wendied at college. Wendied when my teenage DD was at school. And now I've been bloody well Wendied again.

A year ago a family moved onto the road where I live. They didn't know anyone as they moved from out of the area. They have 2 DDs who are aged 4 and 8, and I have 2 younger DCs who are aged 5 and 9.

I started chatting to the woman sometimes, as we only live a few houses apart, and she said she found the school run intimidating as she didn't know anyone, so like a mug I said I'd walk to and from school with her for a few weeks, and introduce her to a few other mums. Well we did that, and I introduced her to loads of people.

After a few months she then phoned me up one afternoon after school and said that my 9 year old DD was being horrible to her 8 year old DD at school. I was surprised as a) they are in separate years, and b) they are in separate parts of the school and don't even share a playground or any facilities at all. She couldn't give me any examples of things that my DD had said/done but I said if she had concerns it was probably better to speak to her DD's teacher about it, as obviously I am not at school during the day to see what was apparently going on. I don't think that DD is perfect by any means, but she is generally popular and gets on with people, never moans about school or seems to have fallings out with people. So I'd be quite surprised if she was being horrible to someone, especially someone that she never sees.

Since that phonecall, this friend has refused to speak to me at all, but has continued to befriend absolutely everyone at the school that I am friends with. I've always had a good group of mum friends at the school and got on well with everyone.

Now I've noticed that I'm gradually being left out of things, and lots of my friends are spending more and more time with this woman and being very cold with me. This woman, for example, invited loads of DD's friends to her own DD's party, when they're not even in the same year group. And I've seen a few friends have tagged her in their facebook statuses over the holidays, so they've clearly spent time with her. I know that yesterday there was quite a large picnic at a local park, and I wasn't invited, whereas a year ago I definitely would have been as I thought they were all my friends.

Whenever I see this woman she has a horrid smirk on her face. Today I met up with one mum from the school, the only one I could actually get to make any plans me and the DC for the holidays, and I checked us in on Facebook at the soft play centre that we were at. I have even noticed tonight that the horrible woman has commented on my status saying she hopes that the woman I was with had a lovely time, and that she can't wait to catch up with her next week. Cheeky bitch.

This sort of thing always happens to me. I get edged out of friendship groups, and always end up as the person losing out.

AIBU to think that it is just too much hassle having friends??

OP posts:
Custardo · 17/04/2014 22:54

those people aren't friends if they wander off to the most popular person are they?

not nice to be left out - totally understand, but i think you should refrain from thinkning of them as friends - they wern't in the first place.
i'd rather be a wendy than a two faced caniving bitch

carlywurly · 17/04/2014 22:57

Hmm For you. I don't understand people sometimes.
I'd find something that you're interested in outside school and children, (I am in a running and a book club, for example) so you shift your focus a bit.
If you have a closer friend you can confide in about this woman, I would. Otherwise give it a bit of space and she will move on to a new victim and probably expose her true colours in due course.
Rotten though. I am sorry.

OfficerVanHalen · 17/04/2014 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DogGetOffTheSofa · 17/04/2014 23:00

I just feel like it is always me that gets thrown out of the social circle.

It happened at college, and I ended up leaving my course with no close friends, whilst the others are still all friendly now.

Then it happened when my eldest DD was at infant school when a loud gossipy woman just totally stirred about me and got me ostracised.

And now it's happened again :(

OP posts:
Original poster
DogGetOffTheSofa · 17/04/2014 23:03

Officer, where did I say that she was polite when she phoned me? She was the bumptious one.

And as I said, my DD and her DD aren't even in the same section at school, they never see each other, so I am unsure as to how and when DD was supposedly being horrible.

OP posts:
BrokenToeOuch · 17/04/2014 23:04

Sorry, can you clear up what Wendy means please?

drnoitall · 17/04/2014 23:08

Yes I thought wendied was a typo at first, what's that all about?

Burmahere · 17/04/2014 23:08

Officer that's very harsh and rather unsympathetic Hmm.

The other woman should not have rung the OP about alleged problems between the DC at school, she should approach the school not the parent.

I think that these stronger, manipulative people (women normally) do exist and they do poach for want of a better word other women's friends. You are just lucky if it has never happened to you.

Sympathy OP, hold your head high and don't give up on making new friends in the future Smile.

Burmahere · 17/04/2014 23:09

Google Wendied on here and you will get 1000 similar stories.

OfficerVanHalen · 17/04/2014 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OfficerVanHalen · 17/04/2014 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 17/04/2014 23:13

A Wendy is someone who takes your place in the social circle. Moves in and takes over.

Treaclepot · 17/04/2014 23:14

Dog, from the wsy you told it, a friend rang you about a problem between your DC. You completely dismissed it without talking to your DD. you then get surprised that you aren't invited to things.

i bet you have been off with this woman, who was only looking out for her child. Think you may be the problem a bit more than her, sorry.

I would talk to yur DD about the issue and then tell her you have done and apologise for not doing it sooner.

Burmahere · 17/04/2014 23:14

oh come on there are plenty of manipulative very nasty people out there who's one desire in life is to make other people's lives a misery. Very naive to think otherwise.

Original poster
DogGetOffTheSofa · 17/04/2014 23:15

What a mean, unfair post, Officer.

OP posts:
Burmahere · 17/04/2014 23:16

I think it is generally acknowledged that if there is trouble between children at school that it is best not to approach the parent as usually they are likely to be defensive of their child whereas the school will be more objective and can often deal with issues without the other parent even knowing anything about it.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 17/04/2014 23:17

If you'd have just said I'll have a word with her (your dd) you could have avoided all this nonsense.
Mind you I never get people who's friendships revolve around the school playground. Do you have other friends? I don't get why people are so determined to force friendships with others simply because their kids share a building with each other

Original poster
DogGetOffTheSofa · 17/04/2014 23:18

Treacle, I don't see what bearing the conversation she and I had should have on whether my other friends invite me to things or not? Clearly she has bitched about me and my friends have believed her and not bothered to find out my side of the story.

OP posts:
drnoitall · 17/04/2014 23:18

Oh dear, I've been wendied then, never mind.

OfficerVanHalen · 17/04/2014 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Treaclepot · 17/04/2014 23:20

Have you discussed it with any of your other friends?

emsyj · 17/04/2014 23:21

"This sort of thing always happens to me. I get edged out of friendship groups, and always end up as the person losing out."

Then don't you see that it's more likely to be an issue with you than with them? If you consistently have problems keeping friends then you need to think about why that might be. After all, as you say yourself - the groups remain friends after you are 'ostracised'.

There are some nasty people in the world, that is true. But they are not gathering in huge numbers and then coming to find you. In all likelihood, the people you meet are just normal people. They have good days and bad days, good traits and negative traits.

Do you think your expectations of others and of your friendships are realistic?

Treaclepot · 17/04/2014 23:21

The reason your other friends may find it hard to invite you is if there is an unresolved issue between your DC which she has tried to resolve and you ignored they may feel it is better not to invite you.

OfficerVanHalen · 17/04/2014 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littleturkish · 17/04/2014 23:27

I agree with officer. People are generally good.

If you keep having this problem, logic dictates you must have a part to play in this.

Look for friends with shared interests, that is where you will find longer and stronger friendships.

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