To think that it is just not worth the hassle having friends?

[DogGetOffTheSofa]

I have namechanged for this thread but am a regular poster.

I have been Wendied so many times I am starting to think that I am better off not having any friends. There doesn't seem any point. I live in a small town, everyone knows everyone else, and mud sticks.

I was Wendied at college. Wendied when my teenage DD was at school. And now I've been bloody well Wendied again.

A year ago a family moved onto the road where I live. They didn't know anyone as they moved from out of the area. They have 2 DDs who are aged 4 and 8, and I have 2 younger DCs who are aged 5 and 9.

I started chatting to the woman sometimes, as we only live a few houses apart, and she said she found the school run intimidating as she didn't know anyone, so like a mug I said I'd walk to and from school with her for a few weeks, and introduce her to a few other mums. Well we did that, and I introduced her to loads of people.

After a few months she then phoned me up one afternoon after school and said that my 9 year old DD was being horrible to her 8 year old DD at school. I was surprised as a) they are in separate years, and b) they are in separate parts of the school and don't even share a playground or any facilities at all. She couldn't give me any examples of things that my DD had said/done but I said if she had concerns it was probably better to speak to her DD's teacher about it, as obviously I am not at school during the day to see what was apparently going on. I don't think that DD is perfect by any means, but she is generally popular and gets on with people, never moans about school or seems to have fallings out with people. So I'd be quite surprised if she was being horrible to someone, especially someone that she never sees.

Since that phonecall, this friend has refused to speak to me at all, but has continued to befriend absolutely everyone at the school that I am friends with. I've always had a good group of mum friends at the school and got on well with everyone.

Now I've noticed that I'm gradually being left out of things, and lots of my friends are spending more and more time with this woman and being very cold with me. This woman, for example, invited loads of DD's friends to her own DD's party, when they're not even in the same year group. And I've seen a few friends have tagged her in their facebook statuses over the holidays, so they've clearly spent time with her. I know that yesterday there was quite a large picnic at a local park, and I wasn't invited, whereas a year ago I definitely would have been as I thought they were all my friends.

Whenever I see this woman she has a horrid smirk on her face. Today I met up with one mum from the school, the only one I could actually get to make any plans me and the DC for the holidays, and I checked us in on Facebook at the soft play centre that we were at. I have even noticed tonight that the horrible woman has commented on my status saying she hopes that the woman I was with had a lovely time, and that she can't wait to catch up with her next week. Cheeky bitch.

This sort of thing always happens to me. I get edged out of friendship groups, and always end up as the person losing out.

AIBU to think that it is just too much hassle having friends??

The others are not your friend.

Move on from those people, as painful as it is.

You need to pick better friends.

If you are being 'wendied' so often maybe it's time to look at yourself and wonder if the problem is actually you?

Without wishing to be rude, you've just dismissed the one person disagreeing with you as mean and rude, which says a lot about your perspective really. If the same thing repeatedly happens to you, maybe it's worth considering that you, as the common factor, might be at fault.

I don't know. As far as I'm aware, I've never met you. You could be at the centre of some conspiracy to ensure you never have friends. Or you could have been very unlucky with your friendship choices in the past. But I'd want to consider all the options, myself.

officer with all due respect, I disagree with you. There are sly, competitive women out there who behave this way.

It is normal perhaps to use a willing, friendly face as a stepping stone to meeting more people, and it is entirely acceptable at that stage to click with those you find you gel with more. That is not in dispute.

The one difference that sets a Wendy woman apart is that it is not enough for her to be made welcome in the group. She gets her sense of worth out of replacing someone. Often the very woman who brought her in in the first place, more than happy to share.

Well...you're just going to have to take my word for it when I tell you that I am not a bit paranoid, I am hardly ever prickly, and I am seldom prone to drama...yet it once happened to me. Long years ago now.
I am however, friendly, willing and good at sharing. I can't stand to see a lonely soul.
Wendy women do exist.

I'm with officer. Some friends stick, some don't. That's all. If this happens a lot, it may be something to do with you.

yes i fail to see why someone can claim something as definitively not existing because they have never known of anyone or experienced it themselves. It's rather a narrow view

I do believe it can happen, however if it happens repeatedly there's something more going on. Perhaps these are not really good friends, as I wouldn't stop being friends with someone just because a shiny new person came on the scene and especially not if they then started slagging them off. It sounds like you are sometimes part of groups that are a bit fluid and possibly bitchy- I would seek out friends with individuals you get on really well and less with groups where these dynamics can come into play.

Totally agree with officer. This Wendy business is largely made up.

I agree that Wendy women exist and that some people are twats, but (and I know you can only put so much down in posts OP and it's possible the situation is how you read it) what the woman has done could be down to something else other than just trying to freeze you out.

What Treacle said makes a lot of sense, she tried to approach you about something important and you've basically said it's not possible because of the way your DD is.

What if she's right and your DD did something and she was trying to sort it and give you the heads up instead of taking it to the school straight off?

I am prickly, awkward and paranoid, but looking in from outside your situation even I can see it's possible that you're reading the situation through shit coloured specs because you think it's happened to you before.

Even so, I don't think it's necessarily 'you' OP, more it's the nature of relationships. Shit happens, Eastender sized crossed wires, people gossiping/judging/taking sides. it happens to everyone IMO.

I do agree that if it is something OP tends to find happens to her, then perhaps something is amiss. Like the depth of the friendships for example.

As in...maybe OP thinks of the friendships as being more solid than they really are.

Hang on, OP might be upset simply because she was kind to her friend and now her friend is intentionally freezing her out of her group of friends and dc friends.
That's not fair and very manipulative of OPs friend . She was nice to OP when she needed her. Now she no longer needs her .
OP has a problem, yes, that she CARES enough to help someone out when she didn't have to , and didn't see it coming because she believed her friend was a nice person .

Don't worry OP, there are nice people out there.

Ignoring the possibility that this woman has been a twat to the OP, a lot of people find they're comparing adult friendships with the ones they had when they were younger/before having children, and they're always found wanting.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to have close loyal friendships, but the reality is that sometimes they don't work out and it's not necessarily a reflection of a person who's crap at friendships.

I can't be doing with it these days but I still wish I could have realised it's better to be a bit less 'involved' when I was younger. Although it's never nice thinking people are talking about you behind your back and being funny with you because of it.

Have to agree with Officer, and others.
If you perceive you have been elbowed out of friendship groups time and time again, then I think you need to start looking at yourself. Don't know if it's the way you behave or the way you perceive things, but there's got to be some reason why this continuously happens to you.
As Officer said - there may well be the odd individual who for some warped reason wants to deliberately work their way into a group and then edge someone out, but you'd have to be so tremendously unlucky it's not true, for this to happen to you 'over and over again' if there weren't some issue with the way you interact with people over time.

I'm never in the 'in' groups though at the school gate, so can't be pushed out of them. Find one or two nice parents and stick with them, avoid fickle groups at all costs.