to not want to attend DP's friend's wedding reception

[melrose87]

DP and I have been drifting apart lately. I've felt like I've been the one organising things for months: I suggest days out, meals out, things we can do together, holidays while he puts nothing into it. I've had the last 2 weeks off work so made the decision to leave things to him to see if he bothered organising things for a change. As a result, we haven't seen each other properly in all that time. We've met up twice in 2 weeks (we live separately.) I put this down to him being tired from work.

He phoned me yesterday inviting me to his work colleague's wedding reception on Saturday night. I felt disappointed because I was hoping we could spend some time together at the weekend - maybe have a nice night in as it's the only time he's off work. When I said this, he got annoyed and said I was his plus one and he was definitely going, with or without me. I said I felt that he only wants me to come so that he can keep up the front of having a great relationship as he likes to portray to people (but lately without putting any effort in.) He then got snappy with me and sarcastic so I said I'd get back to him.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't know the couple getting married, he's spent next to no time with me in the last few weeks and this work mate isn't a good friend. He never sees him outside of work. I feel like I don't matter to him at the moment.

I think you need to stop playing games and talk to each other.

It's going nowhere. Sounds dull. Jack it in?

We've been together 2 and a half years. Sometimes I do worry it's going nowhere. At times he doesn't seem bothered and I hate feeling like I'm the only one who cares.

Two years are still early days and if you're feeling like this now it's time to end the relationship. It does seem to be going nowhere.

He should have told you about it weeks ago when he got the invitation. Was he holding out for a better offer?

It's bloody hard to be the plus one at a wedding unless you are unusually gregarious. I shouldn't bother going if I were you.

And if he's an arse about it, that tells you something, doesn't it?

Look, this relationship is dead in the water. End it and move on. Or do you want to spend the next ten years starting new threads about how he won't propose or won't agree to a baby or won't do his share of the housework or is logging into dating sites or whatever.

This man really can't be arsed with having a relationship, at least not one with you. Why should you put the effort in, when you could use your time and energy to make your own life lovely?

I can see where you're all coming from. It's just so hard to accept it when I remember the person he used to be and how much fun we used to have together. The way he made me feel even a year ago is so different to how it is now. It isn't good that he is being like this so early on though. Not sure if it's worth trying to fix.

Thank you for your advice. Yes I'm 26. I have had a few long term relationships but they always fizzle out after about 2 years. Such a shame because I'd love to meet a lovely man and settle down. Just never seems to happen especially now I'm busy with work and don't have much time or opportunity to meet new people. I thought this man could be the right one but that's not looking likely anymore.

You need LeQueen!

She had a similar problem with her (now) DH. She dumped him, bought a house and moved on. He realised what he had lost, got his act together and persuaded her to give him another chance. They have been together ever since.

It sounds like he is just taking you for granted (his attitude to you being his plus one speaks volumes, he just assumed you would), so perhaps making him see that you are happy to walk away if he cant give you the proper respect and appreciate would teach him a lesson.

But he's not really your DP (dear/darling partner with whom you live) is he? He's your BF (boyfriend) who you don't live with.

I understand that you want more from this relationship - but it seems he isn't bothered either way.

Sad though it may be for you, perhaps now is the time to either have a 'serious chat' with him, or for you to cut your losses.

Please don't waste time on someone who might walk away from your relationship in a few years time. That time when you could be meeting someone new and someone who is right for you.

I agree with SGB. It should not be hard work after such a
Short time together

...although you start off moaning because he doesn't arrange anything, then when he asks you to a night out, you don't want to go....

He gave the OP three days' notice for a wedding reception. That is not what I call organisation.

Personally, I wouldn't mind so much that he leaves all the organising to you, as long as you have a nice time when you are together. Do you?

3 day's notice for a wedding is inconsiderate, at best, unless he was invited only in the last few days himself

You've been together 2.5yrs and you're his plus one?! He must have had the invitation a few weeks ago unless it was issued last minute.

I'd refuse to go, but I'm like that!

I agree with Famzilla, it does all read like game playing. First you are cross that he doesn't arrange anything, then he does try to arrange something but it's not alone so it's not acceptable. How is he meant to know that?
He might have been sitting around for two weeks wondering why you've gone cold as you are always arranging things? You've asserted your authority over this area and then removed it without explanation.

The whole thing just sounds like far too much effort. Telling him you will get back to him about the wedding because it's not the type of invite you want is confusing and best and immature at worst. Just be straight with him. You have nothing to lose.

You need to request an even share of organising dates and explain that you want him to initiate things, or move on. Waiting around for him to fail has shown you just that, so either take that as your answer or set the game up with fairer rules and let him know about them.

Have you ever actually had a discussion with him about OUr Relationship ANd Where It's Going? Because it sounds a bit as though he could believe that you are a girlfriend he sees now and again whereas you have unilaterally decided that he is your partner and therefore commitment is on the way,

Feeling very down today. Had a discussion last night about our relationship, tried to fix it. Explained how I felt and that I felt we could both make more effort and he refused to take any responsibility at all. Blamed everything on me and said the reason it's gone cold is because he's fed up of having to pick me up when we go out ?! Which isn't true anyway.

He's also angry that I can't see him most week nights but that's only because I work long hours and often have meetings until 6pm. I spend every weekend with him to make up for that. Just feel so upset especially as I've always had this job so it's not a new thing. He didn't mind picking me up or my busy job before so why now? Also found out he'd arranged to meet up with his friends before the wedding reception so probably never intended to take me anyway. So confused.

Doesn't sound like it's going anywhere. Sorry :(

YABU. You complain that he puts no effort into doing things with you and he doesn't spend enough time with you but when he suggests something you complain it's the wrong thing. Suggesting that he misses a friend's big event to stay in with you is bang out of order. I would be livid if a friend of mine turned down a reception invite because their girlfriend said she wanted a night in.

And sorry, if anyone (male or female) did this to a friend of mine I would say they were controlling, demanding and would never be happy and they should dump their ass.