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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU about adult leaving one child out?

40 replies

AlwaysLookOnBrightsideOfLife · 17/04/2014 12:24

Long time lurker, hoping this name and post doesn't out me IRL.

There are three children (year 4) who know each other through an activity that they partake in weekly. Let's call them Anna, Sarah and Zoe. Anna and Sarah also know each other from school. Although Anna has known Zoe for the same length of time, albeit through this weekly activity rather than school. Sarah started the activity a year ago, due to Anna doing it and all three girls have since become great friends. The parents/guardians regularly take it in turns to organise a play-date for them all and will take them after the weekly activity.

Anna recently moved away from everyone, but came to visit for the Easter break. Zoe knew she'd be coming to see her at the end of the weekly activity and that they'd all be doing something together. Bought her a present and was extremely excited. Sarah's parent didn't know Anna was coming at the end of the event and found it out from Zoe's guardian. Fast forward to the activity, Anna shows up just at a point where Sarah got hurt (although it was more the shock from how it happened than anything else. She was checked over and was fine). Given time to calm down etc. and activity time finished. Whilst Zoe is putting her equipment away, Anna and Sarah go to play. Zoe goes to meet them after, for Sarah's parent to tell her that Sarah and Anna are just going to her house this week, due to Sarah hurting herself. Parent then goes on to say that her house is a tip and that's why she's not inviting Zoe, that the girls won't be doing much, there's not much point, other people in the household are ill and other general excuses etc. Basically tells Zoe that she's only inviting Anna, but sure Zoe can arrange something some other time. Despite knowing that Zoe's guardian only has her on this given day and she lives over 50 miles away all other days. Also knowing that Zoe had arranged to do stuff with Anna! Anna's parent, upon seeing Zoe's hurt came and arranged a separate event for them on a different day, where they picked her up and dropped her off from this other location.

AIBU to think this was rather rude of Sarah's parent and also extremely unfair? I'm obviously still mulling it over a week later, hence posting on here. Should Zoe's guardian have said something at the time, or the next time she sees Sarah's parent? What would you have done in this situation?

Sorry if this is long, trying to set up the back story and also trying not to drip feed.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 17/04/2014 12:52

I got slightly confused with the who is who but does it summarise roughly as:

Anna is friends with Sarah.
Anna is also friends with Zoe.
The 3 girls often play together.

Sarah invites Anna round to play. She does not invite Zoe.

... because that is actually fine - the 3 girls are not obliged to do everything as a threesome.

The bit I find odd is that if Anna was coming back for a rare visit why some post activity get-together wasn't organised anyway. It sounds like there was nothing planned and the inviting round was spur of the moment (or Anna would have just gone home). If there was something planned, why on earth did Zoe's guardian not say -"oh but we'd planned to do ..."

TBH if Y4 children are going to maintain a friendship despite living at some distance, they (or their parents/guardians) are going to have to work pretty hard at it. And it doesn't sound from this as if that is going to happen.

SarcyMare · 17/04/2014 12:56

I am turning into redSky stalker, agee 100%

Onesleeptillwembley · 17/04/2014 13:05

No. It's not rude to not invite someone to your home. Seems a bit odd but I'm sure they have their reasons, not that I could follow a lot of your post. But how bizarre to call someone rude for not inviting someone to their home.

Original poster
AlwaysLookOnBrightsideOfLife · 17/04/2014 13:08

Sorry, I thought when typing it that it was getting confusing but tried (& failed) to simplify it.

All three girls are friends.
Anna and Sarah know each other from school (were in same class).
They both know Zoe from this activity.

Anna had come to the end of the activity so all three of them could go out and do something together - she didn't take part in the activity. Zoe and Anna knew this was arranged. There had been no plans set in stone about what they would do though, just that they would meet at the end of the activity and it would go from there.

Sarah's parent found out that Anna would be coming at the end of the activity from Zoe's guardian and knew that it had been assumed that Sarah would be partaking in some activity with the other two girls, but no one had arranged where they were going yet.

Sarah and Anna were already in Sarah's parents car when Sarah's parent told Zoe that she was only inviting Anna, but not Zoe back to the house, followed by a list of reasons (which didn't make sense since she was still inviting one back despite all those reasons).

I think nothing was said to Sarah's parent at this point due to being caught of guard and not wanting to make a big issue in front of all the children. When two had resigned themselves to going one place and the other despite upset had resigned herself that this was what was happening, despite previously thinking otherwise.

Anna and Zoe's parent/guardian had been in contact throughout the week on the lead up to that day, hence both girls knowing about it and being excited.

Hopefully that clarifies things a bit more?

OP posts:
Onesleeptillwembley · 17/04/2014 13:11

Maybe Zoe doesn't behave? Maybe some other reason. Still not 'rude' though.

rowna · 17/04/2014 13:12

I think it was a bit mean of Sarah's mum. But I probably wouldn't say anything.

Original poster
AlwaysLookOnBrightsideOfLife · 17/04/2014 13:13

OnesleeptilWembley - sorry, please see my clarification above. On a general basis, I wouldn't see it as being rude. I think if you don't want to invite someone back to your house then that is fine, it is after all your house. What I think is rude is excluding one child in the plans, when it had originally been planned for all to take part, albeit not planned where. Why not arrange to go somewhere else, even if it's just for lunch or something to include them all, but for a shorter amount of time!?

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysLookOnBrightsideOfLife · 17/04/2014 13:14

Slow typing my last reply Easter Blush

OP posts:
smartypants1000 · 17/04/2014 13:15

I think it's very mean, actually, not something I would have done. Zoe's guardian could have said "I'm happy to have all 3 girls back to our house if it's not convenient at yours, as Zoe's been so excited about getting together and it's difficult to do now that Anna's moved away" though. Probably nothing to be gained from saying something after the event, but make sure something's arranged in a concrete way next time Anna visits, to avoid a repeat? I'm going to disagree with the majority and I think Sarah's mum is a cow!

redskyatnight · 17/04/2014 13:15

So where is Anna's parent in all this? What's their take on it?

There is an awful lot of assuming going on here and actual no organising of things. On the basis that nothing had been organised but lots of things had been assumed I don't think Sarah's parent was at fault. I think Zoe's parent needed to be more assertive. If taken off guard, maybe suggest that they could pick Anna up from SArah's later and Anna and Zoe could do something together?

But ... as I said in previous post, this is unlikely to be a friendship that lasts - Zoe's parent would be better gently breaking this to her - and/or actually making some concrete plans to keep the girls in touch!

RahRahRasputin · 17/04/2014 13:16

So Zoe's guardian had planned an activity for Zoe and Anna but then on the day Sarah's parent took Anna to their house? Why didn't Zoe or Anna's guardians say there was already a plan?!

I think it was a bit rude of Sarah's parent to hijack the plan and then exclude Zoe, given that Zoe and Anna already had a plan (assuming that they did), but weird that the other adults went along with this.

Is Sarah's parent trying to make Anna and Sarah better friends to the exclusion of Zoe? I had this at primary school. Was part of a happy trio and then one parent panicked that their daughter didn't have a "best friend" and so openly admitted to my mum (who did nothing about it Hmm) that she was engineering things so that the other two would be best friends, as she didn't want me and the other girl to pair off at a later date and exclude her daughter, didn't care that I was excluded though Confused

I digress a bit. This does seem odd but really I think the adults at the time should've defended the original arrangements. It's rather weird not to!

I don't think it's worth saying anything at a later date. Just in future make sure that plans are definite and that all three girls are invited before telling them what's happening. And if this happens again, say something at the time.

Onesleeptillwembley · 17/04/2014 13:16

Ah. I see what you mean. Are there behaviour problems? Any niggles between the girls? Honestly? Because they could be valid reasons to do this. It just seems an odd thing to do out of the blue.

ZenGardener · 17/04/2014 13:17

I think Anna was rude if she had made plans with Zoe and them dumped her to go off with Sarah instead.

If Sarah's parents found out that there were plans to do something together then they should have either done something together or said sorry we didn't know about it and hope to catch up with you next time.

redskyatnight · 17/04/2014 13:18

IT sounds like Sarah and Zoe aren't actually friends and Anna is the glue between them?

In which case, her moving away will entirely change the dynamics. In fact I'd suggest that if they are future meetups, they probably won't work as a 3 (one girl will end up being left out).

NewtRipley · 17/04/2014 13:20

I also think it's mean. They knew she'd travelled, they knew she'd come solely to see her friend. Sarah's mother WBU.

Would the guardian have had to come too? Was this the problem?

RahRahRasputin · 17/04/2014 13:22

Sorry such a slow typer Blush

I wonder if Sarah's parent took advantage of the fact that nothing had been organised to get just her daughter involved in the plan. Is Sarah having friendship problems at school now that Anna has presumably left?

Or perhaps she was annoyed that Zoe and her guardian knew about the visit in advance but Sarah and her parent did not, felt that Sarah was being excluded, so decided to make her own plan?

Original poster
AlwaysLookOnBrightsideOfLife · 17/04/2014 13:37

RahRahRasputin - that's what I wondered about the knowing in advanced. Although Zoe's guardian had though Sarah's parent had known when mentioned it.

I don't know if there are friendship problems at school now, but Sarah and Anna were extremely close at school before the move. I also know that Sarah is quite wilful child when it comes to getting others to do things in her chosen way.

NewtRipley - no the guardian wouldn't have had to come along. Would only have had to collect the child at the end, the same as Anna's parent.

redskyatnight - they became friends through Anna. So were both friends with Anna and then as such all ended up in the same group, if that makes sense. Sarah and Zoe would play together after the activity if Anna is not around, but no play dates (to my knowledge) have been arranged between just the two of them. Although I think it has been suggested by both girls in the past.

Onesleeptilwembley - the only niggles seem to be the typical, two's company, three's a crowd, but they never last long. For instance in a six hour play date (very rare these days, usually only a max of around 4 hours now), there were two incidents of one of the three feeling left out, but it never lasted more than 5-10 minutes before they are all running around again. They have had to be told off at the activity site before though where Sarah has grabbed one of the others and told them to run and hide from the other one. It's all typical child stuff though and a quick reminder sorts it all out again. As it is, it probably worked out better having two separate play dates rather than a joint one of three this time, it just didn't seem nice on how it happened. Rather than discussing it first between everyone and that being the conclusion IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysLookOnBrightsideOfLife · 17/04/2014 13:38

thought^

Apologies for typos and bad grammar.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysLookOnBrightsideOfLife · 17/04/2014 13:43

Smartpants1000 - thank you, I think making concrete plans in the future including where they are actually going is a good idea and definitely the way forward.

OP posts:
ZenGardener · 17/04/2014 13:47

So, who are you in this story?

Oldraver · 17/04/2014 13:50

I think it mean of Anna's parent/guardian to make arrangements with Zoe then blow her out for Anna, but maybe she was better friends with Anna all along and Zoe was only an aqquaintence at an activity ?

So, which one are you OP ?

Oldraver · 17/04/2014 13:51

Sorry, blow her our for Sarah

TinyTear · 17/04/2014 15:02

Assuming the OP is Zoe's guardian/parent

Original poster
AlwaysLookOnBrightsideOfLife · 17/04/2014 15:07

I was waiting for people to ask which one I was. Grin
TinyTear is correct.

OP posts:
TinyTear · 17/04/2014 15:08

And I am quite far from these situations as my DD is only 2yo, but I agree Sarah's parent was way off, especially as it was Anna and Zoe who had made the plans