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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know where my 9yr old DS is?

47 replies

vikkik888 · 17/04/2014 01:20

He's gone to stay with his granny (ex mil) and I've asked XH for the address but he won't tell me. Text her too but heard nothing apart from a text from him having a go at me for asking her directly.

There's obviously a back story to this but just want your views on my original question. Regardless of who it is, I should know where my son is staying right?

She won't tell any of her 4 sons her address, as far as I knew when she had DS overnight they stayed at her mums 15 mins from me. Absolutely fine, I can't bear the woman but want DS to maintain a healthy contact with the family. Only tonight I find out they're staying at her own house.

XH called me a joke tonight for pressing the matter that I'd like an address for where our son is staying, baring in mind it's just the 2 of them there and she's had health issues recently.

I wouldn't stop him going, but AIBU just to want a fucking address incase of emergencies etc?

OP posts:
MrsCakesPremonition · 17/04/2014 01:24

If she won't tell her sons her address, I assume your Ex doesn't know it either? Or does your Ex know where your child is?

I wouldn't be letting my child stay overnight with a woman who doesn't tell anyone in her family where she lives.

Original poster
vikkik888 · 17/04/2014 01:29

No, he didn't know when I asked him earlier, and once I'd pressedand asked her directly he replied to me with a street name and the town, that's all.

He hasn't been able to question his mother or stand up to him for the last 10 years, played a big part in me leaving.

I felt safe in the knowledge if he went to granny's he was at great nanny's house, which I've been to many times and could get there in a dash.

OP posts:
Suefla62 · 17/04/2014 01:44

I wouldn't let DS go again.

Pumpkinette · 17/04/2014 01:56

For me this is a red flag. I hate to think the worst but why won't she share her address with anyone? (including her own sons)
What possible (logical) reason is there for that?
Does she watch her other grandchildren on a regular basis?

I would not let my child stay overnight with anyone who wouldn't give me the address. Sorry OP but I would be very,very suspicious of this.

Original poster
vikkik888 · 17/04/2014 02:02

No she doesn't have her other grandchildren she goes to see them as it's quite a trek, but given the family history even their dad has asked her to keep distance for a while, and he used to be as bigger pushover as XH.

Won't be making this mistake again I can't even sleep.

OP posts:
NurseyWursey · 17/04/2014 02:10

If you can't have the address you need to stop your DC from going. You have the right to know and anything else is unacceptable.

missknows · 17/04/2014 04:17

Do you even have any idea how far away it is? If it's not too far see if your child can direct you there once they are back. They might be able to remember where they went. And yes it is very weird and I wouldn't let them go again!

Shockers · 17/04/2014 04:23

I wouldn't let him go there again. Not unless she agrees to communicate directly with you. He is your son, she doesn't have the right, as a grandparent, to exclude you from any dialogue, or to have him at an address unknown to you.

Canus · 17/04/2014 04:24

That's insane.

It's hugely dysfunctional for nobody in the family to have any idea where this woman lives.

I would not be sending my son there again, and I would give him a cheap PAYG phone for any trips away with his father. The man clearly has no regard for his son's safety.

Cerisier · 17/04/2014 05:04

How utterly bizarre. You could probably find out where she is by looking at the electoral roll but you shouldn't have to.

How can XH trust her to look after DS when she behaves like this?

I am amazed when parents don't know where their DCs are when they are with ex partners, but from reading MN it isn't unusual not to be given an address. Being a parent gives you carte blanche to keep the other parent in the dark.

coldwater1 · 17/04/2014 05:38

My child would not go there again. I like to know where my children are.

pricklyPea · 17/04/2014 06:40

Ludicrous. Definitely do not allow this again. You can not allow your child to go to someone's house that neither you nor his father knows the location of. Imagine you need to do something urgent and get him, how would you do it?

Absolutely ridiculous. I wonder if I'm really part of this planet sometimes. People here are absolutely ridiculous.

Yanbu

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/04/2014 06:57

Your XH probably knows how insane it is and is deflecting onto you by making out you have the problem by wanting to know. If you can't trust XH to know where your child is at all times then you need to stop overnight contact IMO.

wowfudge · 17/04/2014 07:12

Are you sure your ExH isn't lying to you over the address? Sounds really weird that he doesn't know. If he is bitter it could be a very petty way of having one over you IYSWIM.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/04/2014 07:21

What a ridiculous game she's playing (her not you op). Presumably this makes her feel like she has power over you all. Pathetic. I would say she doesn't have him again. It doesn't sound like she's capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone.

You have my sympathies. My exMIL is equally bizarre and annoying

celestialsquirrels · 17/04/2014 07:24

How can you know it is a suitable place for a kid if you don't know where it is? It could be a crack den. Very simple - you don't tell me the address, DS doesn't stay there.

Of course you could always ask DS when he gets back...

DoItTooJulia · 17/04/2014 07:25

I would hate this, I'm not surprised you can't sleep.

Like pp said, do not let him go again.

I hope he's back soon, enjoying a cuddle with his mum.

Tinkerball · 17/04/2014 07:26

I would be concerned over this woman's mental health as I can think of no reasonable reason she's not telling people her address, this is mad. I wouldn't let your DS go again and you can tell ex exactly why.

CuttedUpPear · 17/04/2014 07:35

You have my sympathies OP

For years my XP did this to me. He refused to give me his own address and any addresses that DS stayed at with him, including foreign holidays and XP's girlfriend's addresses where they would spend all their weekends when DS was seeing his dad.

It made me really upset.
DS is 17 now and refuses to see his dad at all thanks to this and other wanky behaviours.

TweedleDi · 17/04/2014 09:40

So neither parent (i.e. yourself and ex) know where your child is?
He isn't staying where you were told he would be?
I think you should at least consider getting advice, perhaps 101.

Although I'd probably also be texting (paper trail evidence) that I need either an address or the child returned to great-nanny, or home, by lunchtime or I'd be left with no option but to make an official report (child at potential risk).

Original poster
vikkik888 · 17/04/2014 10:02

Thank you all so much for your replies! So glad it's not just me who can see how ridiculous it is, I'm tempted to email XH this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
vikkik888 · 17/04/2014 10:49

Oh and I was called 'a joke' last night by XH for asking her directly Hmm

No one has ever challenged her. She manipulates then gets upset when things don't go her way and everyone else is in the wrong because she's so hard done by.

Still raging this morning.

OP posts:
TweedleDi · 17/04/2014 11:17

Don't email the thread. Do you think he will have a sudden insight? No, he won't get it.

Insulting comments thrown at you are red herrings.

Put yourself back in charge of the situation. Stick to the facts. Act.

Viviennemary · 17/04/2014 11:22

That's very wrong. Ask for the address again or you will be phoning the police. But think carefully before you actually do.

Fairenuff · 17/04/2014 11:22

Did she collect your ds from your ex?

I would take legal advice OP. In effect, she has kidnapped your son.