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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know where my 9yr old DS is?

47 replies

vikkik888 · 17/04/2014 01:20

He's gone to stay with his granny (ex mil) and I've asked XH for the address but he won't tell me. Text her too but heard nothing apart from a text from him having a go at me for asking her directly.

There's obviously a back story to this but just want your views on my original question. Regardless of who it is, I should know where my son is staying right?

She won't tell any of her 4 sons her address, as far as I knew when she had DS overnight they stayed at her mums 15 mins from me. Absolutely fine, I can't bear the woman but want DS to maintain a healthy contact with the family. Only tonight I find out they're staying at her own house.

XH called me a joke tonight for pressing the matter that I'd like an address for where our son is staying, baring in mind it's just the 2 of them there and she's had health issues recently.

I wouldn't stop him going, but AIBU just to want a fucking address incase of emergencies etc?

OP posts:

Gruntfuttock · 17/04/2014 11:58

What a worrying situation.

MaryWestmacott · 17/04/2014 12:03

call MIL again, if you do'nt get an answer, leave a message saying you will be calling the police as it's unacceptable for you to not know where your ds is, she can call you back with the address within the hour or return DS, her choice, but she needs to do one or the other or you will report her to the police.

She sounds like a bully, and your exH hasn't worked out he's a grown up.

LouiseAderyn · 17/04/2014 12:39

Why do you persist in facilitating contact with this woman?

Just because she is related to your child it doesn't mean she is good for him. Relationships with family don't have to be upheld at all costs.

I would ring the police and have ds returned to me right now and unsupervised contact with exh woukd be stopped because he is neglectful and can't be trusted to take proper care of him.

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2014 13:05

All of you asking the OP why she 'allows' this - how can she prevent it? If she shares custody with her ex and he allows it on his days, what can she realistically or legally do?

(Genuine question, I don't know how these situations work)

Original poster

vikkik888 · 17/04/2014 13:30

Thanks again for replies.

Ive spent the morning thinking carefully about what step to take next. He is out for the day with granny today as originally planned, this I have no problem with. He loves her dearly and she is good with him. He will be returned to his dads tonight as he would normally have him on a Thursday night anyway, and will be returned to me tomorrow evening.

Her attitude is she can do what she wants with him on XH's time and it's mine of my business. The trouble is that they genuinely believe this, no matter what I say. She would override my authority all the way through the marriage when it came to DS, eg if she asked me whether she could take him out of school for a day to go on a nice trip 'because its too busy in the holidays' -duh- and I said no, she would then go behind my back and ask XH, cue massive arguments because he would never say no to her, I would stand my ground as the mother of our child, I would end up being rude and disrespectful towards mil for daring to say no to her. Story of the marriage. I didn't expect to still be in that position 2 years after leaving the dysfunctional family, but find myself here again.

OP posts:

LouiseAderyn · 17/04/2014 13:54

She can stop allowing it by going back to court and challenging her exh contact agreement on the grounds that he doesn't know where his child is staying on his time. That is neglectful parenting and I would imagine the court would consider the gp unstable and not best suited to looking after a child if she won't even tell her own kids where she lives. That's not normal, surely?

diddl · 17/04/2014 14:04

"Her attitude is she can do what she wants with him on XH's time and it's mine of my business."

Well if his father has effectively handed him over then surely that is the case.

Not knowing her address is odd, but I don't see why you need to know everything that goes on whilst he is with his dad.

Do you always tell him where you are with his son?

Sounds like once again it's not the MIL so much as her son.

farnywarny1192 · 17/04/2014 14:07

my ex mil did this the other day...kind if anyway....meant to drop ds off at my friends for a play at 2.30 and I was going there after work. 4pm and no contact, called her repeatedly and eventually ds answered her phone and said they would be an hour. 2.5 hours later not answering the phone, no idea where they have been or now are and heard on facebook there had been a bad car crash near ex mils but they still blanked the phone! Then when I expressed my anger because of concern I was met with a barrage of abuse. Needless to say he is not going there again

Original poster

vikkik888 · 17/04/2014 14:16

I don't need to know everything that goes on while he's with his dad, absolutely not.

But I do expect to know where he is overnight if he is not with his dad, yes.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 17/04/2014 14:20

TBH my ex doesn't always know where we are if we stay at friends or go away for a few days.

But then again we have an amicable relationship. Communicate on important stuff. Know each other's address. And are not bonkers like your exMiL OP

diddl · 17/04/2014 14:28

"But I do expect to know where he is overnight if he is not with his dad, yes."

Why?

As long as his dad knows where he is & is contactable if necessary.
(Which I realise might be up for debate)

LouiseAderyn · 17/04/2014 14:29

Thing is, if the dad was with ds then it is okay (ish) for the mum not to know exactly where they are ( assuming the dad is not a complete numpty ).

But one of the parents should know where their child is at all times.

Gruntfuttock · 17/04/2014 14:29

But diddl his dad does not know where he is.

TweedleDi · 17/04/2014 14:31

I think a critical factor here is that the father himself doesn't know where the child is. Presumably he also knows his mother has had recent health issues. This isn't responsible parenting.

Sounds probable that you need to seek legal advice.

diddl · 17/04/2014 14:33

"But diddl his dad does not know where he is."

I thought that he did but was pissing about with OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/04/2014 14:36

Diddl the OP's exH doesn't even know his own mother's address. She keeps it a secret from all of her sons. For reasons unknown!

Original poster

vikkik888 · 17/04/2014 14:42

Exactly, he didn't know it either. He just thinks its ok because 'it's his mum'.

He thinks I was implying I don't trust her with him, can't fathom that I wanted it for emergencies, especially as he didn't know it.

OP posts:

diddl · 17/04/2014 14:43

"he replied to me with a street name and the town, that's all."

So he just made something up??

I agree that he shouldn't be letting his mum take the son if he doesn't know where.

What I don't agree with is that OP has to know.

Gruntfuttock · 17/04/2014 14:50

I've just had a thought which is highly unusual. How is she going to prevent your son from telling his parents where she lives? He's 9yrs not 9 mths. Is she going to blindfold him until they're indoors or something? I wonder what's behind her refusal to give her address to her sons. Is she a hoarder or very dirty or untidy so wants to ensure that no one can visit her? It is an extremely peculiar way to behave.

MariaJenny · 17/04/2014 14:52

So you now have the street name and town? Buy some credits on 192.com and look her up. She's probably on the electoral roll.

diddl · 17/04/2014 14:58

The whole set up is odd.

OP, do you trust her to contact her son & him you if necessary?

If there was an emergency on your part needing you to contact your son, would it be possible?

If not then there is a problem.

sezamcgregor · 17/04/2014 14:59

If I had known the street name, I would have gone to the street and knocked on every door until she answered or a neighbour told me which house was hers.

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