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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding etiquette one

33 replies

DangerRabbit · 16/04/2014 20:46

My colleague is getting married in a couple of weeks. We have a pleasant working relationship and our feelings towards each other are I guess somewhere between neutral and warm. Our roles require us to work closely together around once a week.

Anyway my colleague didn't send me an invite to her wedding, nor was I particularly expecting one. However on a night out a couple of weeks ago we had a 1:1 conversation where she asked me whether I had received a wedding invite from her (which was quite embarrassing because I then had to tell her she hadn't given me one). She apologised and told me she intended to give me an evening invite as she would like to see me there. However, no invite was forthcoming.

Today a group of us were out for lunch and the bride apologised to us for writing the time and venue wrong for the evening invites. She appeared to include me in the conversation. She also confided in me another time that she was worried people might just not show up to her wedding on the day. The wedding has been organised quite quickly as it was a whirlwind romance.

My instinct is to assume that my colleague was just being polite and didn't, in fact, intend to invite me to her wedding, as presumably if she wanted to invite me, she would have given me an invite by now. But as I have to work closely with this person I'm also worried about offending her by not showing up on the day if she did in fact intend to invite me and is just being disorganised. AIBU to just say nothing to her about the invite and not show up? Or WIBU to mention to her that I haven't received an invite yet and create a potentially socially awkward situation if she doesn't want me there? I'm not bothered about attending or not but I don't want to sour our relationship as we get on well when we share an office 1 day a week.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 16/04/2014 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantanaLopez · 16/04/2014 20:51

Don't go. Saying 'I didn't receive an invitation' is less embarrassing than 'Honestly, I was invited'.

TheseAreTheYolksFolks · 16/04/2014 22:40

If she already messed up invites then I think she has just been disorganized. Can you not say to her...X do you still want me to come to the evening do? If you have too many numbers that's fine it's just you mentioned it before but I haven't got the invite/details yet?

Famzilla · 16/04/2014 22:55

She hasn't given you an invitation, ergo you are not invited.

Only the English could worry about offending someone because they don't attend an event they weren't invited to.

EverythingCounts · 16/04/2014 22:59

Hang on, but she has actually said to you she wants you to come in the evening? Then I would say you are invited. She sounds like she has got in a right mess with writing and giving the invites out, and she wouldn't be the first person to do that. Plus she has said she's worried about people not coming, so it sounds like the potential for awkwardness might just as easily come from you being 'invited' but then not showing up.

TheseAreTheYolksFolks has made a good suggestion. Say something like 'Listen, if the numbers have changed that's fine, but I just thought I would ask about the evening do because you mentioned it but I haven't had an invite - honestly, if you're getting near your numbers now don't worry about it.'

EverythingCounts · 16/04/2014 23:02

I can't believe so many people are saying that, even though the woman has said directly to OP that she is invited, she actually isn't because she hasn't had a piece of paper handed over. As if that's so much more meaningful than what someone has said, face to face, when they didn't have to and could have avoided the whole thing.

CrystalSkulls · 16/04/2014 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BerylStreep · 16/04/2014 23:06

I agree with what YolksFolks has suggested - you are invited, but would be good to clarify.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2014 23:08

You're not invited. And who wants to go to a poxy evening do anyway? Say nothing.

AreWeThereYeti · 16/04/2014 23:42

You should just ask her. There is no need for it to be embarrassing. Just mention that as she had said she would like you to attend the evening meal you just want to double check if you were going to get an invite. Tell her you really don't mind but you thought it better to check.

ParkingFred · 16/04/2014 23:49

I agree, you're not invited. And if you are, it's as an afterthought.

Viviennemary · 16/04/2014 23:50

The whole thing sounds completely disorganised. I can't see why she should mention to you twice that she intends to invite you if she didn't. Could you not say in a casual way that you are just checking if you are actually invited. What an embarrassment. Wouldn't you think she could get her act together!

But I don't think you'd be wrong just not to mention it and not to go and if she says anything say you didn't get an invitation so presumed you weren't invited.

defineme · 16/04/2014 23:57

Well she's crap at this isn't she? But I feel a bit sorry for her-organizing a wedding isn't an essential life skill. She verbally invited you twice. She's in a tiz and I would just say I know you've mentioned me coming, but you really do have to tell me where and when as I can't come otherwise.
I like evening dos-less stress about an appropriate outfit, no service to sit through and a token gift will suffice!

PansOnFire · 17/04/2014 00:00

Definitely ask her, I was that bride! She's mentioned it to you and confided her worries about people not attending, use that as your opener and just say that you haven't had any details about it yet. If she hasn't invited you then she seems incredibly cruel for confiding you and then discussing details in front of you. My wedding was incredibly fast, a matter of weeks. I'd put the invitations for work into my bag and kept missing one colleague in particular. In the end she asked me, I was so embarrassed but had the invitation right there to give her so it didn't seem so bad, especially as I'd had a few conversations about planning and dresses etc with her. She was unable to come in the end and I think this had a lot to do with her feeling like she was an afterthought. I still feel terrible about it now, she knows what I'm like and we have a good working relationship but I think it will always be a bit of a difficult topic for us as friends.

2tired2bewitty · 17/04/2014 00:15

Is there anyone else at work who could be primed to ask about other invitees, perhaps under the guise of organising lifts?

Original poster
DangerRabbit · 17/04/2014 10:27

Thanks everyone for your varied opinions. I have 4 weddings to attend this year already so I'd rather give it a miss if possible. I think Ill just go down the route some have suggested of just saying nothing and assuming I'm not invited. Let's hope that no future awkwardness results when she returns to the office and notices I didn't attend - I just don't want her to think I've snubbed her.

OP posts:
Pasithea · 17/04/2014 10:34

Ha. I was invited to my nephews wedding and now I have been ceremoniously dumped on Facebook. In public. My hairdresser and her family are going,as they are family friends my b and sil old next door neighbours are going. So the excuse of it all costing too much to invite everyone kind of sucks.

Original poster
DangerRabbit · 17/04/2014 10:50

Your nephew has un-invited you to his wedding?! How rude. What happened?

OP posts:
SlimJiminy · 17/04/2014 11:03

You can still ask if you're invited and then decline after you've thought it through. I do think it'd be more awkward for you to ignore and not turn up than ask about it. There's nothing wrong with getting an invitation and then declining due to something else coming up - family party or other commitment perhaps. As long as you let her know, it'll be fine.

Original poster
DangerRabbit · 17/04/2014 12:48

Thanks slimjiminy. I will definitely give it some thought!

OP posts:
Dubjackeen · 17/04/2014 12:53

It's a tricky one, but if you get on well, it would appear, from what she said that she thinks she has invited you. It could well be genuine error. It happened to me, some years ago. Others in my workplace were discussing a colleague's upcoming wedding. They asked me something about it, and I had to say...um, I didn't get an invitation.
I genuinely thought I wasn't invited, and wasn't too perturbed. One of the others said it to the person getting married, and it turned out the invitation had been delivered to the wrong address, the house next door.

Miggsie · 17/04/2014 12:58

I'd guess she has messed up sending invites - hasn't had many RSVPs (because people have not received invites!) and is therefore worrying about attendance and has brought it up with you assuming that you have received an invite - which you haven't.

It sounds like she has lost a batch of invites somewhere.

If she brings up the "I'm worried people won't turn up" again perhaps you can ask if she is sure she sent out the invites!

IComeFromALandDownUnder · 17/04/2014 13:01

I would leave it to be honest. You told her you never got an invitation and she didn't forward one on to you. Probably just forgot but she will remember when you don't turn up. Do tell your colleagues that are going that you never got an invite in case it comes up that you didn't show.

NewtRipley · 17/04/2014 13:05

Unless she's got form for being insensitive, I'd assume you are invited. Turn up - show your face for an hour and then leave.

SapphireMoon · 17/04/2014 13:16

I would send email just saying what others have suggested-
ie She had mentioned it but not received invitation. Please don't worry if too many at eve do as understand plus not sure you are available on date anyway. Just want clarification etc, etc...