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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think IABU but apparently I am being a control freak....

44 replies

InspirationFailed · 16/04/2014 12:44

Regarding Ds3 and Ds4 and their passports.

They are young (2&1 - youngest still breastfed) and ex and his family wanted to take them to Spain for a week but knew that I wouldn't want them to go (they all drink a lot, ex has no patience - has never changed ds4, put them to bed, etc) so they booked me onto the holiday and only told me when it was all arranged.

I wasn't very happy about it but I know that ex and his family should be able to take the DC away and ex would've taken me to court to be allowed too (although I have full residency for ds3 with no court ordered contact arrangements, I've never had to apply for it with DS4 so he could legally just take him) so I decided it was the easier option just to go with them.

However, our passports have arrived and ex wants them, he says they need them to confirm the flights (so I have sent all the details they need to them, passport numbers etc) and that he wants his father to keep them safe (because I am useless and would lose them etc)

AIBU not to hand the passports over?

I don't want to because I can quite imagine that my passport might 'go missing' the day of the holiday so that I can't go, or that I would never get them back, and because I would feel like I had to be on my best behaviour for the next month because he could decide to change the dates, just disappear, etc

I am getting lots of hassle because I won't hand them over, but I don't see why they need them so desperately.

(Ds3 was under a prohibited steps order until I was given residency as ex is a threatening bully)

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/04/2014 12:46

YANBU - Do not give him the passports, he has all the info so he does not need them for legitimate reasons.

Mogz · 16/04/2014 12:48

Gosh if I were you I'd simply not be going, it's too late now for any court ordered action and no court would order you to either go on holiday with your own ex or send your young children off, one of whom is still bf.
If you really must go make sure you have all the flight, hotel and other details and keep hold of all of your passports.

HandragsNGladbags · 16/04/2014 12:49

God no! Don't give them to him

3DcAndMe · 16/04/2014 12:50

Yanbu

Keep them safe with you

ikeaismylocal · 16/04/2014 12:51

Your not being at all unreasonable! Send a photo of the passport details so your ex can't say he's worried aboutddetails being copied wrong.

Just refuse to hand over the passports, tell your ex youra mother of 4 not a child and you will look after your own passports and your children's passports.

CoffeeTea103 · 16/04/2014 12:53

Yanbu! Don't hand the passports over, all he needs is the details which you have given them. Also don't feel forced to go on this trip.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 16/04/2014 12:53

YANBU, and do not go on this holiday.

Wittsend13 · 16/04/2014 12:54

YANBU. Do not hand over the passports. They do not need them if you've already sent the details they need.

VenusOfWillendorf · 16/04/2014 12:56

Of coure you are not being unreasonable!
Give him a photocopy of the pages that he needs (if it will get him off your back or he doesn't trust you to have given him the right details), but do not give your passport to anybody!!

MistressDeeCee · 16/04/2014 12:59

Don't give him the passportrs. He is a bully and a pest. & is aiming to keep the passports as another stick to beat you with. Why are you even going on this holiday? Stand up for yourself and stop being blighted by your ex and his family.

Sleepingbunnies · 16/04/2014 13:00

I echo what everyone else has said! Do not give him the passports.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 16/04/2014 13:02

I'm not sure if this is the same, but o/h and I are not married. So I always had to sign permission forms for residential school trips, etc, to enable children to go anywhere (either in the UK or abroad). O/H had no say in it. I'm guessing that you and your ex are divorced (or were never married in the first place), if so, then you have the final say as to whether they are permitted to go anywhere (and most particularly, out of the country). He has no say in it if those are the circumstances. If you are still legally married, then it would be a different scenario.

Absolutely, do not hand the passports over, do not go on the trip if you don't want to (sounds as though you have been bullied into a something you don't feel comfortable with).

wannaBe · 16/04/2014 13:03

don't give him the passports. then "lose" them on the day before the holiday so none of you can go.

WilsonFrickett · 16/04/2014 13:03

Don't give him the passports.

Actually, don't go on the holiday. Why on earth would you want to go on holiday with your X and family, simply to nanny your own kids because they are too drunk and impatient to take care of their needs?

What advice would you give a friend in this situation?

YellowStripe · 16/04/2014 13:04

Just a thought - are you sure YOU have a flight ticket? Trying to think of all variations of fuckwittery ex might try to carry out, including everyone turning up at the airport only to find you're not booked on the flight ...

SybilRamkin · 16/04/2014 13:09

Yes to what other posters have said - do NOT give over the passports, he doesn't need to physically have them in order to book online/check in.

Also, make sure you get log in details so you can see that you've been bought a ticket too.

slartybartfast · 16/04/2014 13:10

yanbu

slartybartfast · 16/04/2014 13:11

do you actually want to go to spain with your ex and his family, can you imagine what it would actually be like and you are happy with that?

Scuttlebug · 16/04/2014 13:11

Have your dc had chicken pox? How about they get it the day before the flight...no airline will let you travel with CP, too dangerous for vulnerable groups. Then you can get out of holiday and it's not your fault.

Learn to use the power of the white lie.

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/04/2014 13:15

Yanbu. Can't you loose them at a relatives house in a code locked safe and not go on holiday at all. If they have your ticket and are in charge of transport and paying etc you are fucked when it comes to making a get away if you need to.

Do not go

hoobypickypicky · 16/04/2014 13:17

If your ex has your children's passports he will be able to take them out of the country without your permission and with no guarantee that he will return them. Do NOT allow him to even know where you keep the passports.

Why on earth are you being blackmailed/bullied into going on a holiday with people you wouldn't choose for company when you weren't even asked if you wanted to go but were simply told you were going?

Do you want to live like this for the next 18 years, doing as your told even to the extent of dropping everything to leave the country at the whim of your ex husband?

How miserable do you want the next 18 years of your life to be?

It's your choice but mine would be to put a stop to it now and to tell him that he does not get to decide where you go and how you live and that if he wishes to take the children on holiday he

A. Waits until DC2 is no longer breastfed.
B. Consults you and comes to a mutually convenient arrangement through the courts if necessary.

Oldraver · 16/04/2014 13:32

Actually, don't go on the holiday. Why on earth would you want to go on holiday with your X and family, simply to nanny your own kids because they are too drunk and impatient to take care of their needs?

this

Do you really trust them anyway ? what if you dont have a ticket, or thy have spelt your name wrong, you could be at the airport and not be able to go, and would seem the bad guy for not letting the excited children go

definitelygoingtobedearly · 16/04/2014 13:33

Don't give him the passports and if you do go on holiday don't let the passports out of your sight and hand while there. No being pressured into putting all passports together in the safe or anything like that.

Original poster
InspirationFailed · 16/04/2014 13:35

Thanks everyone, I didn't think I was being unreasonable but had a crisis of confidence.

We aren't married luckily. I've seen all the details of the holiday and I'm definitely booked on it, I can't say I'm looking forward to it but I really don't want to go back to court especially as I wouldn't get legal aid so would have to self represent. I got away without a contact order last time, mainly because he didn't want caffcass involvement - there is no good reason why he wouldn't be given over nights and weekends if it came to it (last time the access arrangements were postponed because they wanted ex to submit to alcohol testing as one of my main concerns was that he is a heavy drinker and gets nasty with it, he was on bail at the time for a DV charge so I was awarded residency but 2 years on those reasons wouldn't stand. I was pregnant unknowingly with ds4 at the time so the orders didn't cover him) and I want to avoid that as much as possible.

I wouldn't dare to 'lose' the passports on the day of the holiday. I do realise though that I can't indefinitely carry on without some formal arrangements, I just want to try and wait until the DC are older.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 16/04/2014 13:44

I still can't quite fathom why you are actually going on this holiday. Sorry, I think you do need to put formal arrangements in place. Waiting till DCs are older? What is the reason for that and what difference does it make?

I can't imagine being inviegled into going on holiday with my ex and his family. God, what a thought.

I wouldnt care less about the holiday, if the ex isn't you man any longer then unless there is a plan to re-unite with him I don't 'get' the holiday aspect, or why you can't say no tbh