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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't think IABU but apparently I am being a control freak....

44 replies

InspirationFailed · 16/04/2014 12:44

Regarding Ds3 and Ds4 and their passports.

They are young (2&1 - youngest still breastfed) and ex and his family wanted to take them to Spain for a week but knew that I wouldn't want them to go (they all drink a lot, ex has no patience - has never changed ds4, put them to bed, etc) so they booked me onto the holiday and only told me when it was all arranged.

I wasn't very happy about it but I know that ex and his family should be able to take the DC away and ex would've taken me to court to be allowed too (although I have full residency for ds3 with no court ordered contact arrangements, I've never had to apply for it with DS4 so he could legally just take him) so I decided it was the easier option just to go with them.

However, our passports have arrived and ex wants them, he says they need them to confirm the flights (so I have sent all the details they need to them, passport numbers etc) and that he wants his father to keep them safe (because I am useless and would lose them etc)

AIBU not to hand the passports over?

I don't want to because I can quite imagine that my passport might 'go missing' the day of the holiday so that I can't go, or that I would never get them back, and because I would feel like I had to be on my best behaviour for the next month because he could decide to change the dates, just disappear, etc

I am getting lots of hassle because I won't hand them over, but I don't see why they need them so desperately.

(Ds3 was under a prohibited steps order until I was given residency as ex is a threatening bully)

OP posts:

DenzelWashington · 16/04/2014 13:44

It sounds grim. Neither he nor FIL must have the passports at any time, even briefly at check-in. You hand them over, you won't get them back (not necessarily for any sinister reason, probably just to mess with your head).

I don't want to sound alarmist, but make sure you have in a safe place all relevant numbers for British Consulate/Embassy and any local Women's Aid equivalents plus any info you might need for a quick getaway (nearest railway station etc).

Original poster

InspirationFailed · 16/04/2014 13:51

Waiting until they are older means that they can talk and let me know if things are ok or not. I don't think that he would physically harm them at all, but he has a vicious mouth (he once called my older children a 'pair of cunts' and I've heard him tell ds3 to fuck off more than once) as it stands (regarding ds3 - he's not overly interested in ds4 yet) he woul be awarded unsupervised contact every other weekend with one over night during the week. I don't want to take that risk (until they are old enough to tell me if there is a problem) and adding his drinking to the mix I think it would be dangerous, he has never woken up when they've cried, I used to co sleep with ds3 and the amount of nights that I would wake up and we were both soaked in wee because he was so drunk etc. he lives with his parents, which should be reassuring but... They drink as much as he does.

OP posts:

masterbates · 16/04/2014 13:53

I think you are being very nice accompanying them - I presume he is paying?

just go with them but don't give him your passport beforehand

at the end of the day you are only going to Spain so it cannot go that badly wrong .....

hoobypickypicky · 16/04/2014 14:02

I think you're being blackmailed and that you need solid legal advice about the "obligation" to leave the country at your ex's whim, about the passports and about him having any access to your small children under the circumstances of his drinking and abusive behaviour. A free half hour legal consultation should cover it.

I'd be asking my solicitor how much it would cost the ex to apply for contact and asking myself whether he'd bother to pursue it after he'd found out how much it was going to cost him.

No, strike that. I'd be telling the controlling bastard to fuck off to the far side of fuck and making sure he never came anywhere near my children again. It's clear that you won't so the next best thing is to take good legal advice and go down that route.

Original poster

InspirationFailed · 16/04/2014 14:04

He is paying, I haven't paid a penny towards it. I have my own apartment for me and the DC meaning I can take them back after dinner and they can go out and drink. There is no question of them not drinking. I will be taking my own money with me.

I think it was booked with the best of intentions, his mother booked and organised and I think she thought she was being nice... She knows what ex is like but refuses to see it. I get on well with his dad.

OP posts:

mummytime · 16/04/2014 14:05

Please get some advice. If you don't think you can afford a solicitor then post here on the legal board. I do think he is messing with your head.

Last time he didn't get contact because he wouldn't go for alcohol testing and he didn't want cafcass involved - they both sound pretty suspicious to me.

WilsonFrickett · 16/04/2014 14:06

Why do you assume he'd get unsupervised EOW with these issues though? And it would rely on him pursuing it - which I bet he won't.

I think you do need to take a deep breath and take control of this situation and get things formalised once and for all. And actually, that's another reason why I'd be cancelling this holiday - so he can't turn around and say 'if I'm so bad, why did you come on holiday with me?'

LIZS · 16/04/2014 14:10

They booked a holiday for you to accompany the dc but it is you who is being controlling ? Keep hold of passports .

Original poster

InspirationFailed · 16/04/2014 14:12

They have money unfortunately so would easily pay for a solicitor. I saw a solicitor a few months ago and she did say that I would find it incredibly difficult to get anything less than the standard amount of contact. There have been no incidents during the last 2 years, he's respectable, no criminal record (thanks for that CPS!) has a stable home - I can't prove what a nasty bastard he is, and he's learnt enough from last time to know not to drink for a while before hand (so he's told me when he's ranted about it in the past).

Plus he would make my life hell and I'm scared of him when he loses it.

OP posts:

Scrounger · 16/04/2014 14:13

Make sure you take a credit card that you can use abroad and that you have enough cash, keep hold of the passports at all times. At least you have a separate apartment.

DenzelWashington · 16/04/2014 14:15

Bear in mind, the more you go along with all this then possibly the more you strengthen your ex's case for more and overnight contact.

Gen35 · 16/04/2014 14:16

I would leave all passports with reception in a safety box and hide the key as soon as I got there too in case he starts sniffing round the appt for them. He sounds abusive and controlling to me. I wouldn't go in your position but in your position I certainly wouldn't allow passport access at any point.

SocialQueen · 16/04/2014 14:21

ynbu at all.
As everyone else says do not handover the passports.

I'm very suspicious as to why anyone would want a 1 and a 2 year old on holiday... they're so young they wont get any joy from it.

WooWooo · 16/04/2014 14:34

He doesn't need them to confirm the flights, He might want the numbers though for the booking.

Don't hand them over!! Put them in safe while there. I know it's going to be a challenge but you might actually enjoy being away? Keep a diary while you are away and be prepared to jump in to look after the children if needed. They are the most important thing here.

Hissy · 16/04/2014 14:35

NEVER EVER LET THOSE PASSPORTS OUT OF YOUR POSSESSION.

You have residency, you keep the passports.

notthegirlnextdoor · 16/04/2014 15:25

He won't get a court order to allow him to take them on holiday. Doesn't work like that and considering the prohibited steps order I seriously doubt he would get one anyway.

Don't hand the passports over and don't go and don't allow him to take the kids!

MistressDeeCee · 16/04/2014 22:27

I think what Denzel has said about possibly handing your ExH a stronger case for overnight contact by going along with all this, is entirely true. You need to be careful. & stand up for yourself. If you can't do it then I hope you have someone to do it for you. In your shoes I wouldn't even go, you're under no obligation. If you let yourself be manipulated into this where does it end? Will he want you and DCs to go away with him and family next year? Do you even get a say as to when? I note he paid for you as well. What an extraordinary situation. Anyway, best of luck with sorting it all out it sounds as if this holiday simply isn't worth the stress of it all

hamptoncourt · 16/04/2014 22:38

OP what do you mean you "wouldn't dare" lose the passports? Are you scared of him?

If you are scared of him then why are you going away with him?

I would take them to a chicken pox party. It's the right time of year for the Pox.

weatherall · 16/04/2014 22:45

I don't think you or your children should go.

Id get their passports and cut them up.

Could he take them out of the country without your permission eg during contact?

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