To not try so hard with PIL anymore

[Loopylouu]

Disclaimer: I have a three week old baby. Hormones may still be rife.

I have emailed them lots of photos, videos, little emails with snippets about how dd is getting on, right from when I was in the recovery room after my CS. Nothing in return from them, not an 'oh isn't she cute' or even a thanks. I know they have received them.

Dh send them photos, the phone him, email him back all the time. Me, nothing. It hurts as I don't have any family or anyone to show dd off to.

And now they are fucked off at me (not that they have said anything, but dh said that his mother was 'disappointed') because they are visiting for the first time on Saturday, only it transpired yesterday that they are bringing dh young niece with them, who at the moment is just getting over chicken pox.

I put my foot down and said she can't come near dd. (she can play in ds room). I know some people will think I being paranoid, but I almost lost my ds at a few weeks old and I am taking no chances with dd until she's vaccinated, she's only been around 11 year old ds so far.

They are nice enough to my face, but I am sure they don't like me. The photo thing has shown me that.

So what do I do?

The lack of response seems pretty pointed, given they are responding to your DH. So stop sending them stuff. I think the message is that they want to communicate about your DD (and congratulations, by the way!) through their son only. Rather rude and unkind, but there we are.

This is both a sadness and a boon, to be honest. Sad that they don't like you. A boon in that it enables you to take a step back and let your husband deal with them.

The only thing I will say is to be careful not to let them exclude you (e.g. only seeing your DH and DD, never you, being dismissive of you at gatherings etc). Your children should not see their mother being treated as a second-class citizen.

Congratulations on the arrival of your new little one.
I can only offer sympathy about your PIL. I am in a similar situation - mine are only interested when it suits them and on their terms - but I haven't found a solution. We see little of them now.
Try not to let them spoil your presious first weeks with your baby x

Precious!

Mine bring the camera but only get it out when one of them is holding the baby or playing with the toddler. In three years they have never taken a picture of me or their son with either child.

It amuses me to look round all the photos in their house anyone would think MIL had had a baby

Hey ho. I'd ignore them and agree with what denzel says. I wouldn't let the niece come round at all.

Congratulations! X

They sound incredibly rude and your husband should pull them up on it and support you, not pass on silly messages about their supposed 'disappointment' in you for making a sensible decision.

How long are they visiting for? Which one is the enabler of the other's rude behaviour?

How old are they and how used to/good with technology?

My father in law did the same (he is a widower). But it wasn't out of nastiness or unkindness. He doesn't really understand technology or the etiquette around it. To him it's almost like getting a card or a packet of pictures in the post. He will look at them but doesn't get the need to respond immediately or comment.

To him he sees them but he may choose to communicate back to us in his normal ways like a card or a phone call or seeing us face to face.

I think social media has generated the expectation of immediate responses whereas people of an older generation who don't use that type of thing don't really understand that expectation so obviously don't respond to it.

Also you mention your niece is with them. If they are sitting her in the Easter holidays they may well have their hands full and not had the opportunity to reply.

They can be as disappointed as they like, you've made a sensible decision.

Make sure your DH backs you up on this and watch out for attempts to go behind your back and let the niece play with the baby when you're not watching.

aermingers your post would be a reasonable explanation, if it wasn't for the fact that they are phoning and replying to the DH all the time.

They are only just 60, have iPads etc so are very tech savvy, FIL just retired from a communications company!

They are very close to dh - I've posted about that before at length, dh idolises them.

It's me that's the problem, but I've never been anything other thank lovely to them.

Could it be that they think they are communicating with both of you when they email your DH?

I can't really see the point of them having to address each of you separately. Do you email them separately with the pictures etc that you send them, or do you just send everything to one email address?

It's hard to tell whether YABU about the niece or not. If she's getting over the chicken pox now and she's not coming until Saturday, it sounds like she's not going to be contagious. I understand you being worried enough to find out the details and make sure that she isn't going to be infectious, but I can also understand why the family are a bit upset if you are already saying she can't come when all her spots could well be completely gone by Saturday.

The PILs are not replying to 'dear son and loopylouu', though, just to their son. They are ignoring the OP's communications as though she doesn't exist.

That's the impression I get anyway.

My pil don't like me either and I don't really know why. They didn't like the one before (with good reason) either. Luckily I don't need to have anything to do with his family at all as they never visit and they never ring the house phone just my dh's mobile.
I suggest op that you don't bother anymore and leave it all to your dh to deal with. They may start to exclude you from gatherings but if your dh is any sort of decent man then he will tell them unless you are invited then no one is.
My pil often invite my dh and I to visit knowing full well I can't because of my dd with SN and when they say he should come on his own he politely declines.

linerunner is right, they respond just to dh. Always have done. I have posted on here at length about a stupid apple calendar they had going wit dh about visits - they would book up weekends with no discussion and I would know about it until a few days before they turned up. Came to a head when I was pregnant and I booked a last hotel trip away for us and it turned out they were coming that day.

It's a shame as I don't have a family, my own mother is dead and my dad has dementia so it would have been nice to have a close relationship with them. I've tried to make them feel included and have been nice to them when they are here.

Maybe they think you have got your hands full and that your DH has more time for communication??

Or they could be arses

Se the thing is they are nice to my face, and great with my ds, even though his isn't dhs biological child.

I don't get it.

They never call the home phone either. Always dh mobile, or work, or dh calls them. That really niggles at me, it's like they can't run he risk of talking to me?

That has gone on from the beginning, not just since the baby.

I remember that calendar thread grrrr
I think you really need to talk about the chicken pox thing again and ask if either of the pils have had it because if they haven't then they can't come either until the incubation period is up just in case you know
I'm sure your Dh will impress upon them the seriousness of chicken pox in a newborn and they would absolutely hate to be responsible for having thee lovely gd would they
Good luck with taking more control
You are the mother and what you say goes!

Harmed not thee pfft
If they have chicken pox I would still not have the niece there sorry and all that but there you go

I don't have any family or anyone to show dd off to

You can always show her off to us - I love newborn photos.

This sort of thing is very hurtful Loopy. My ILs never had any of our wedding photos in their house - loads of others of cousins and nieces and nephews but none of their own son because I was in them - so I can fully sympathise.

Maybe you should ask them if they've received the things you sent, as you hadn't heard from them, and see what they say - bit pa I know but it would really upset me - and if they can't be bothered to treat you better I think I'd give up with sending them stuff.

As others have said though, be very careful about being marginalised and excluded.

Personally I wouldn't let the other child come to the house at all if I wasn't absolutely happy and sure that she's no longer infectious. Do you actually know how long ago she had chicken pox and if she's actually completely over it? If she isn't and she plays with your ds she could pass it on to him.

Your precious baby is very small, you don't have to have anyone near her who you're not happy about.

Congratulations btw.

The problem is partly your dh, who isn't being respectful to you in allowing his parents to sideline you and invite themselves to your home with no prior consultation with you.

I remember the calendar thread. Did they come in the end or did you insist on your prior arrangement going ahead?

Until you speak up and your dh speaks up for you, this sort of thing will continue.

My PIL would never introduce me to people as their daughter-in-law. Ever. If very lucky I was DH's wife, but almost invariably just [name]. Even when standing right there holding DS, introduced as their grandchild (DS looks exactly like DH and not like me, so there was no physical resemblance to me to show the relationship). So, it went: 'this is [X], my son, and [Y], my little grandson. And this is [Z] (vague gesture in my direction).'

People used to look openly confused. Was I the nanny? The stepmother? The bit on the side?

It really got to me. DH, who would eventually chip in to say 'My wife' when I was introduced, manfully tried to say it wasn't deliberate, I never believed that. In their case I think there was an element of embarrassment at having a black daughter-in-law, at least in front of the wanky not-at-all-liberal pals they had in their small village. I never said anything, I just made a mental note not to trust in and rely on a relationship with them, given I caused them such discomfort. I don't suggest PIL themselves were racist, just social cowards.

I remember the calendar thread too. They aren't nice, and I'm sorry but your DH is a dick about it all. Don't chase them, don't give them power over you, and don't bend over backwards for them.

Have you cancelled that flaming Apple Calendar yet? these people are NEVER going to play ball if your H doesn't make them.

FWIW, I would tell them that they are welcome, but that a child with CP isn't, as it is simply NOT worth the risk. They can think what they like.

Upshot is that if they don't like you now, they won't like you any less when you do take charge of your own time/family etc.

You have nothing to lose except your own self-respect.

make the decisions you need to make, the choices etc and to hell with them. If they won't cancel the child with CP coming over, take your baby out for the duration of the visit and leave them all to it.

louise they came that day, came to visit in the afternnon and hen we headed off to the hotel in the evening. Wish I hadn't bothered, dh was in a mood and we came home at 10am so he could see them for a couple of hours before they went home. It was a bit shit really.

We had a row about the calendar yesterday. It's still there, dh said 'but nothing's been added to it since we talked about it'. Well, seeing as they have put in when they are visiting until Xmas, that's why.

He's deleting it tonight. To be fair, he was about to last night, but then dd had an explosive nappy, needed a dunk in the bath then wouldn't settle so nothing got done last night.

It's dh as much as them, he idolises them to the point where it's a bit odd.

Niece had cp last week.

I just can't take the risk with dd. ds caught d&V from exes sister at three weeks (she visited and then said she'd been vomiting all the night before!), he ended up back in scbu. I am not ever taking risks with another baby.

Sorry if I am making no sense, on phone while bf dd