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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not try so hard with PIL anymore

44 replies

Loopylouu · 16/04/2014 11:24

Disclaimer: I have a three week old baby. Hormones may still be rife.

I have emailed them lots of photos, videos, little emails with snippets about how dd is getting on, right from when I was in the recovery room after my CS. Nothing in return from them, not an 'oh isn't she cute' or even a thanks. I know they have received them.

Dh send them photos, the phone him, email him back all the time. Me, nothing. It hurts as I don't have any family or anyone to show dd off to.

And now they are fucked off at me (not that they have said anything, but dh said that his mother was 'disappointed') because they are visiting for the first time on Saturday, only it transpired yesterday that they are bringing dh young niece with them, who at the moment is just getting over chicken pox.

I put my foot down and said she can't come near dd. (she can play in ds room). I know some people will think I being paranoid, but I almost lost my ds at a few weeks old and I am taking no chances with dd until she's vaccinated, she's only been around 11 year old ds so far.

They are nice enough to my face, but I am sure they don't like me. The photo thing has shown me that.

So what do I do?

OP posts:

DenzelWashington · 16/04/2014 14:36

'Idolising' to that extent can often be a sticking plaster on what is really a gaping wound of a relationship, i.e. he can't allow himself a mature, balanced adult view of them because he might not like what he saw.
Who knows. But it must be very annoying for you.

Hissy · 16/04/2014 14:38

No way on the CP! cancel the visit. call her parents if you must, but tbh, if there is any live virus, the ILs will be carrying it too.

cancel the visit entirely. bollocks to the nuclear war! your DC comes first and they already have form for making your DC ill. who does that?

rumbleinthrjungle · 16/04/2014 14:44

Bringing a child with chicken pox into a house with a newborn? Are they mad?! Who does that?

Stuff worrying about being precious and stuff when/if/how child may or may not still be contagious, 'disappointment' can easily be got over and chickenpox in a tiny baby can't! I agree totally with Hissy, postpone the visit. If these people love their son and their grandchild then THEY should be the ones insisting they won't be coming near you until they're utterly sure they're infection free!

AdoraBell · 16/04/2014 14:44

I have a policy of putting in the same amount of effort with PILs as they put in. I did spend quite some time doing the one sided - here are photos, would you like to actually spend some time with your GCs?, it would be lovely to see you -etc but gave up before it drove me crazy.

WooWooo · 16/04/2014 14:47

Stop emailing them, I did that with my MIL after she said that she didn't want emailed or website photos, just printed out. So I stopped completely.

I wouldn't allow the child into house if she recently had chicken pox, can you suggest next week instead?

Original poster

Loopylouu · 16/04/2014 14:47

It is bloody irritating.

He always says his parents are the best people in the world, his dad is the only person who can make him laugh, his mother is a saint who has never done anything wrong. They have him the perfect childhood, they are the perfect parents.

I've never met an adult who sees their parents like that. Surely wee can all see that everyone has faults and flaws? My 11 year old doesn't think I am perfect ffs!

Dh thinks I am being precious about his niece visiting. He hasn't pushed it though and at least he agrees that it's best to be careful as dd is so tiny (she was only 6lbs and has only just got back to her birthweight).

I keep telling him that if there was a discussion about visits then this wouldn't be an issue. They booked this visit two months ago - they knew they were brining niece to London with them then as they booked a show, but we didn't know anything about her coming until yesterday and I didn't even know PIL were coming at all until Monday.

OP posts:

diddl · 16/04/2014 14:47

"They are very close to dh - I've posted about that before at length, dh idolises them."

Sounds awful & stifling.

I couldn't respect a man who idolises his parents tbh.

I mean really, he's an adult!

Grow the fuck up!

DenzelWashington · 16/04/2014 14:49

Yep, cancel the visit. The only way they will learn not to be domineering twats is with a bit of behavioural training.

OnlyLovers · 16/04/2014 14:50

Don't let them bring your niece. And ask your DH why he's passing on their messages about being disappointed instead of supporting you and your new baby.

YouTheCat · 16/04/2014 14:59

Cancel.

No way would I let a possibly contagious child anywhere near a newborn.

If they don't like it, tough. If your dh doesn't like it then he can bugger off and stay in a hotel with his precious parents.

You are his family. If he isn't willing to put the needs of you and his child above his parents then that is very very wrong.

DenzelWashington · 16/04/2014 15:03

It's a very skewed situation, isn't it? The PIL's feelings are apparently more important than everyone and everything else put together, including the health of the newborn. Serious weirdness.

Original poster

Loopylouu · 16/04/2014 15:05

It really is strange.

The amount of arguments we've had over his parents is unreal. I am at the end of my tether now.

I couldn't give a shit if his mother is dissapointed. The health of my. Baby comes before anyone's feelings.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 16/04/2014 15:05

OP, ask your dh if he wants your child to view him in the same way that he views his parents? I'm sure he does. Then point out to him that this is unlikely to ever happen as his focus will always be on his own parents and not what is best for his child.

chipshop · 16/04/2014 15:13

I agree that idolising his parents is probably masking some kind of issue with them he's buried. Which is impacting on your relationship. Tricky.

JerseySpud · 16/04/2014 15:22

OP i remember your post about the calender

And you are right to stand your ground about DN and her chicken pox

crazykat · 16/04/2014 15:32

You should definitely stand your ground about your niece and chickenpox. When I had our dd1 my DSD had chickenpox so she only got to see dd in photos till she was 3 weeks old and DSD wasn't infectious. This was on the advice of the GP as in some cases cp can be serious, even though its only a small minority of cases that are serious its not worth the risk.

I can't believe your ILs thought it would be okay to bring her tbh and your DH should be backing you up.

With regard to ILs ignoring you, I'd stop sending them info/photos and leave it to DH.

FryOneFatManic · 16/04/2014 16:16

Ha! If his parents were as perfect as he believes, then this visit would not be taking place, because they would already know that they'd be risking the health of a newborn and wouldn't do it.

CrushingCandies · 16/04/2014 16:41

I agree with saying what youthecat says. Might make him think. I remember your calendar thread I honestly don't know how you put up with it.

redmayneslips · 16/04/2014 16:45

That is crazy, wanting to visit with a chils who has chicken pox - no way would I allow that!

I hear you on the photo thing. When dd was born she was the 1st grandchild on my side and 4th on dh's side. Both families live quite a distance away and my parents were begging for as many photos as they could get. I was very conscious of keeping it even so printed off the same selection for MIL and wrote her letters updating her on the little things dd was doing (my pfb!) UNTIL SIL (nasty cow) commented when we were visiting MIL (we are yet to have an 'unsupervised' visit to MIL without SIL being there but that is another story) 'that baby's first word will be cheese'. So I never sent another photo from that day on, and that was 10 years ago. And there is not a single photo of either dc in MILs house, though she has the other grandchildren up. Nor has she any wedding photos of us etc.

I don't care anymore and make very little effort with them. 9 time out of 10 I let dh visit alone or with dc and about 2 a year I make an appearance. I am never referred to when I am not there. Used to make me very sad in the early days as I could not fathom what I might have done wrong & I was never anything but polite and welcoming and made a huge effort cooking nice meals etc if any of them did ever visit. Now.....meh!

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