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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We've been excluded by the family.

46 replies

YoGatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2014 11:12

DB and DN are visiting for six days, they live abroad. Our DM has excluded DS and myself from all activities this week including days just pottering about. She has however taken my DD most days to occupy my DN so that she gets undistracted time alone with "her son".

She has form for this. Last time DB came he had SIL and both their DC with him. DM complained a LOT to me (not to DB, of course) that she didn't get any one to one time with him.

AIBU to feel pissed off? Families are just shit.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 16/04/2014 11:16

I doubt that I'd be letting my daughter go in this set up. I'd be telling her that she is welcome to visit you as a family or meet you as a family but you're fed up with the favouritism. I presume your husband/partner isn't included either.
It doesn't sound much fun for your brother either, I bet he loves the long one to one chats!

Trillions · 16/04/2014 11:19

YANBU; how hurtful! Are they staying at yours? What does your DB think about this?

Original poster
YoGatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2014 11:20

I shouldn't have let DD go but she loves her cousin so that would have in effect punished the children. DH not an issue really as we have recently separated. There is a lot going on at the moment so a bit of time with the family would have been nice.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 16/04/2014 11:20

I don't feel you can really complain as you are aiding her by allowing her to 'use' your dd . If you don't like the situation then tell her you all go or none of you go ,don't encourage and enable the behaviour and then moan about it later.

Goldmandra · 16/04/2014 11:20

Just don't allow her to use your DD like this.

I've been there with my DM and DNs and I just don't allow it any more. We see them together or not at all.

Original poster
YoGatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2014 11:21

THey are staying with DM. DB is a wuss and everyone including me tiptoes around DM to avoid her stropping. Well I used to tiptoe around her. Fuck that now.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoGatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2014 11:22

Yes I should have stated all of us or nothing from the start.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 16/04/2014 11:27

SO phone your DM and tell her that your DD will be spending the rest of the week with you and you would like to pop round and see your DB as a family at some point so when would be convenient?

DenzelWashington · 16/04/2014 11:29

Agree with Goldmandra. Very bad for DS to see his sister being treated while he is excluded.

cakeymccakington · 16/04/2014 11:29

can you not talk directly to your brother?? ask him and DN over!

cakeymccakington · 16/04/2014 11:30

and agree... you say it would be unfair on the children if your DD wasn't allowed to go and have fun... what about your DS? does he not feel terribly left out?

NettleTea · 16/04/2014 11:33

yes, if the cousins like playing, then why not invite them to play at your house, rather than granny's

Original poster
YoGatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2014 11:35

They are going home tomorrow, I suppose I was waiting to see if we would be invited on one of their trips. I have asked repeatedly want their plans are and its always "We'll take DD to x place with us" like she's doing me a favour?! Before DB arrived I asked when will I see them. DM kept avoiding the question.

Re DS she frequently leaves him out and them brings him a toy to make up for it. Her excuse is that he's too young. He's 2.5.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 16/04/2014 11:35

Your DN has two cousins. The children should all have the opportunity to spend the time together, even if the three of them together is a little more high maintenance, which would be understandable.

If you, quite rightly, make it clear that you come as a family and your DM decides not to have any of you there, it is she who is punishing the children, not you.

Fairenuff · 16/04/2014 11:36

I agree, no more allowing your dm to use your dd like this. Phone your db and invite him to yours if you want to see him and your dn. Leave your dm out of it.

horsetowater · 16/04/2014 11:36

He's your brother, invite him to yours - insist on going on a day out, spend quality time with him alone. This is VERY important. You need to show her that life goes on without her and that she is not the hub of all communications. My DM is like that and once the pattern starts it's very hard to change it.

Scrounger · 16/04/2014 12:44

Hi, have you posted about this before, is it your DS who is never invited round, his GP hardly ever plays with him and wanted to take you DD on holiday with them?

You need to stop this, how will your DS feel about this when he is a little older and wondering why he isn't invited. Actually probably similar to how you are feeling at the moment about not being invited. It seems as though your Not-so-D-M plays favourites with her children and is now extending it to the next generation.

Original poster
YoGatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2014 13:08

Scrounger no that's not me. Apparently it's not uncommon. It's not right though.

OP posts:
IAmNotAMindReader · 16/04/2014 13:13

How dare you Angry.

How dare you complain about being left out of things with your brother when you are so limp to allow your DS to be punished by seeing his sister get to do everything while you can't bear to see her punished and meekly accept your DMs excuses that he is too young.

Remember that feeling?

Well you are complicit n your DS's sadness. He is not too young to notice he is being left out, he is not too young to feel that sting and wonder what is wrong with him. He is only too young to express that sadness and YOU are causing it by allowing your mother to do this.

For gods sake OP get hold of the parenting reigns and show your children to be loving and generous with their affections not greedy and excluding like your mother.

Stop this today before you condemn another generation to feeling inferior to their peers Hmm.

Scrounger · 16/04/2014 13:15

Sorry, its a shame that a lot of 2 yo boys seem to be excluded. I have a similar issue with my DS aged 7yo having sleepovers, them wanting to take him on holiday, although it is driven by my SIL and then my PIL continue it without realising. My SIL does it because her DS likes my older DS. I have DTs who are 3 and it needs to stop now. If / when I point it out there will be lots of denials and 'oh no that isn't what is meant' to 'don't be stupid from my SIL'. Aagh I think I'm just going to keep dodging the bullet or get DH to do it for me.

DenzelWashington · 16/04/2014 13:18

Actually, Scrounger, you don't even need to have a conversation about it. Just lay out new terms: 'Sorry, it's all of them or none of them I'm afraid. The twins are old enough to come now, I can't have them being left out'. And then say no more. Hard to argue with that, really.

Scrounger · 16/04/2014 13:37

Denzel it is slightly more subtle than that as my DTs aren't excluded from family events. If we see the PILs we usually stay over, and the phone call has gone, "oh and SIL is happy to have (my) DS1 for a sleepover". If we see them and are travelling somewhere, SIL / MIL says "Oh and DN and DS can come in the car with us" and it is said in front of the children and DS1 and DN are all up for it. It is difficult at that point to say no, so I am going to have to say something up front so that there isn't any expectation of it happening. It sounds really petty getting annoyed about who goes in what car but I see it as part of pattern where my DS and my DN are 'pushed' together as my DN loves my DS. Whatever DN wants my SIL makes sure he gets and she manipulates the situation to do so. This leaves my DTs out.

We have said no to any holidays in the past and I don't think the issue will come up again in the near future. I think my SIL pushed the holiday so that she could have a break. If I thought that my DTs would also get to go away with the PILs I would probably by OK with it but they are in their late 70s and it is too much to have 2 small children for a weekend. They are shattered after a day with them.

BackforGood · 16/04/2014 13:43

You've said ds is 2.5 - out of interest, how old is dd?

Original poster
YoGatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2014 14:13

IAmNotAMindReader that was harsh and unhelpful.

Scrounger we get a lot of 'oh no that isn't what is meant' too. DM can always find an excuse for the things she chooses to do.

BackForGood she's 9.

OP posts:
DenzelWashington · 16/04/2014 14:18

Scrounger, I see what you mean.

OP, I think the only thing that works is direct communication cutting your mother out. You and DB have to have a relationship independently of her. So, he tells you he's coming over, you and he arrange a meet-up, you tell your mother once it's all arranged, as a fait accompli.