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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

We've been excluded by the family.

46 replies

YoGatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2014 11:12

DB and DN are visiting for six days, they live abroad. Our DM has excluded DS and myself from all activities this week including days just pottering about. She has however taken my DD most days to occupy my DN so that she gets undistracted time alone with "her son".

She has form for this. Last time DB came he had SIL and both their DC with him. DM complained a LOT to me (not to DB, of course) that she didn't get any one to one time with him.

AIBU to feel pissed off? Families are just shit.

OP posts:

Original poster

YoGatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2014 15:04

So DM has just dropped DD home, DB didn't come. I said it would have been nice to spend some time with him. She said "Yeah, well......" When I challenged her and said it was not nice to exclude me and DS she said he wouldn't want to sit on a coach. Wtf. He's never been on a coach. There is always an excuse or reason. Apparently he doesn't like shops either. I give up. Her precious son will go home tomorrow morning and I'm sure as anything it will be "I'll take you to lunch Gatorade" and pretend everything is fine. Well its not. She can piss off.

OP posts:

Original poster

YoGatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2014 15:15

Yes Denzel that makes sense. He probably won't be back for another two years. But I will remember this. To he honest DB and I have never been very close. He left home when I was very young.

OP posts:

MorningTimes · 16/04/2014 15:15

Why don't you contact your brother by yourself & arrange to meet him? Or why didn't he contact you before he came to visit the area? His behaviour sounds just as odd as your mother's behaviour, are you annoyed with him too?

Is there any reason that your brother would be avoiding you? Sorry if I've missed something but it is confusing that you keep mentioning to your DM that you would like to see him but that your & your brother don't have any contact with each other. Do you have a good relationship with him?

thebodydoestricks · 16/04/2014 15:15

I think your mother has a very wierd and unhealthy relationship with your brother. This is way creepy as she seems to want to use anyone else to help isolate him just so she can enjoy him.

You say she jealous when his wife was there?

Very creepy indeed

Doesn't your brother have a mobile phone you can ring to arrange to meet up without your mother?

If not sounds to he like your db is colluding in this as any normal bloke would contact his sister.

I think you should keep your children away from this as it's not normal behaviour.

thebodydoestricks · 16/04/2014 15:18

To add don't you and db skype, email or Facebook?

If not them why are you bothered. You obviously aren't close.

I suspect mummy sorted that too.

Fairenuff · 16/04/2014 15:18

I too think its strange that you don't just talk to your brother direct. Why not call him and arrange to meet up. It's very simple really, I don't see the problem

Original poster

YoGatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2014 15:25

Sorry and others that have suggested direct contact with DB. In hind sight that's exactly what I should have done. I didn't expect DM to actually cut us out like this.

I do have contact with DB via email and IM. Perhaps he didn't expect our DM to behave like this. Or perhaps she told him DS doesn't like coaches/shops etc whatever shit fit the situation.

Yes she was annoyed that SIL came with DB last time. In her own words she didn't get any time to talk to him......

OP posts:

Original poster

YoGatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2014 15:27

The problem Fairenuff is that he leaves early tomorrow. There is no change of me seeing him or DN now.

OP posts:

IAmNotAMindReader · 16/04/2014 15:39

I don't care how harsh and unhelpful you think I am YoGatoradeMeBitch

you know what its like and it saddens and pisses you off so don't let her do the same to your son.
You know she has a history of this so why be so surprised when she engineers situations to get her own way. Stand up for yourself and your son. Teach him through example how to not accept behaviour which devalues you, even if it is subtle.

Fairenuff · 16/04/2014 15:44

I think you could either arrange to meet up this evening or, if it's too late for that now, agree that next time he visits, you will make sure you make plans between the two of you to meet up. This does not have to involve your dm at all.

HerRoyalNotness · 16/04/2014 15:50

Why don't you go around there right now?? You have some hours left. Take a bottle of wine, breeze in and say, I've come to see DB before he goes home.

Original poster

YoGatoradeMeBitch · 16/04/2014 16:11

I don't drive and DB didn't hire a car this time, so DM is in control of visits.

Next time he is here I will definitely be arranging something with him directly.

OP posts:

Deb2202 · 16/04/2014 16:30

We have a similar set up here when bil visits from abroad however we presume bil is involved in the excluding.

They didn't tell us he was coming we saw a post sil put on Facebook. When DH rang pil to sort out seeing him (as db didn't reply) they were too busy, plans all week. Bil hadn't even met ds2 who was only a few months old. All we wanted was for the kids to see their cousins (as bil had brought dn) but seeing everyone else was more important.

I gave up years ago trying to work out what goes on in their heads, I presume its power, trying to hurt DH, prove some fucked up point. I'm past caring.

Bollocks to them I say and unfortunately until you have that outlook you'll keep getting hurt by them.

2rebecca · 16/04/2014 17:25

Agree that contacting him directly next time he plans to visit and maybe building up a relationship so you want to see each other as it sounds as though this time your mother thought the visit was all about her being visited and nothing to do with you.
Her attitude would make me disinclined to spend much time with her in the future though.
My father lives near my sister, but if I'm staying with my dad he doesn't stop seeing my sister that week, but then my sister and I chat regularly and sort out seeing each other when I visit independently and don't expect my dad to facilitate visits and sort out our lives for us and tell him when we are meeting up.

Hissy · 16/04/2014 18:50

I know mindreader's delivery was brutal a bit blunt, but in essence she has a point.

Sorry.

You do have a part in this somehow. I know there's paralysis due to her being your DM etc, the good old Fear, Obligation and Guilt at play, but if you stop allowing your dd to be used in this was, your ds won't be worse off.

Put your foot down, tell your dm off and bollock your db for not contacting you directly!

(((hug))) I know this stuff is hurtful.

wendylg · 16/04/2014 20:27

My hubby had an uncle who lived in australia, all three of his sisters behaved like. This every time he visited, arguing and squabbling over every one of his seconds he was here, measuring out the time he spent with each sister, and getting very uppity if he spent more with one sister than another. It appears to be very common behaviour.

Badvoc · 16/04/2014 20:32

Wow.
You let your son Be treated like this? And let your dd think it's ok?
How very healthy.

Casmama · 16/04/2014 20:37

I think mind reader has a point- you need to grow up and take responsibility for this. You sound a bit feeble tbh and asking for advice now is too little too late really when he has been here for 6 days and leaves tomorrow.

wendylg · 16/04/2014 21:27

I would try and organise a trip for your mum to just take your son out for a special outing, it only needs to be the swings, but somewhere to babyish for your 9 year old to enjoy.

As children can be separated and treated differently esp when there is such an age gap. but it has to be even.

MaryWestmacott · 16/04/2014 21:49

OP - sorry, but you have to start cutting your mother out and stop tiptoing around what she's doing, so call your DB when he gets home, say you are sorry you didn't get to see him and that your mother seems to be deliberately keeping the two of you apart, so next time can you arrange something between you - find a place you can both get to on public transport. Also say to your DB that you're unhappy she's leaving out your DS and will only take DD out, so just so he knows, you will refuse to let her take DD out without DS from now onwards.

and then do that, say "no" to your mum, you are allowed to, your DD might miss out, but it's more important that she sees her DB is not a second class family member than she has treats and days out. Your mum has made you and yoru DB think that keeping you two apart is normal, you are letting her teach your DD and DS the same. Stop it.

And invite your DB to yours, apart from your mum, get him to stay and if she wants to visit both of you, let her. Seems she has her favourite and wants to keep him to herself - don't let her do the same with your DCs, even if that means the favourite child misses out.

horsetowater · 18/04/2014 08:38

Excellent advice from MaryWestacott.

My DM did this and my brothers died suddenly. She had aggravated and failed to heal any arguments between us and we rarely had time together while they were alive. She has the big house in the nice part of town and the GCs all stay with her now, I am completely cut off. You have to nip this in the bud and be firm. Rent a cottage next time DB stays. It's really important that the cousin/aunt/uncle relationships are built and maintained.

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