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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take offence that only me and not my children are invited?

70 replies

Catflap1 · 15/04/2014 21:15

unsure if i'm reading to much into this or not but this is the story:

today my dp called me at work and said this his bro and sil have invited us down to there caravan on Saturday night! great I thought!

he went to to say that I would need to text my exh and ask him if I could drop my children to him at 9am on Saturday morning (it was already arranged that he was taken them from 6pm Saturday for a family party, and this is not his overnight weekend) so that we and my dp son could get down there by 11am so we can have most the day with them. when I said that I was unsure if ex would agree to this as he is not flexable at all he said to just word the text saying that I was now toing this and that the girls are welcome to come but mean that they wont be home for his family party and it was his call didn't bother me either way.

after I put the phone down I had a think (rushed call at work) and thought it was a little unfair on my children for me,dp and dss to go swanning off to the caravan for the weekend and that they might actually really like to come to ( they love it down there)

so I texted dp saying I would ask kids after work what they would rather do as would hate for them to feel like I was palming them off to go to the caravan and taking dp son along with me.

dp texted back saying that there wasn't room for all of us so if ex didn't agree to having girls then we wont go, I then mentioned how in first convo he gave the impression that my children are welcome and if not that's fine I will stay home and his and his son go down on there own.

thing that bothers me the most is that im pregnant and now wonder if its always going to be me and "our" child invited to his family things along with his son and my children are expected to go off to dads/babysitter etc

this is not the first time this has happened and he often says about going down to see his brother or visit his mum etc and my children are never in the plans at all like the time they booked a family holiday to centre parcs which I was invited on but not my children

AIBU

OP posts:

ElseaStars · 15/04/2014 23:11

Catflap1 It sounds like you need to have a very honest conversation with your partner because your baby connects everyone (congrats btw ) It should not be easy for him to say "your kids" "our kids" "my kids" - You seem to have blended well in terms of accepting his son is around and invited to things etc but why can't he do the same?

vikkik888 · 15/04/2014 23:14

It won't be long before your DC pick up on the fact he wants them shipped out when you have plans. Something to think about.

YANBU

gamerchick · 15/04/2014 23:14

well it's pretty easy to confront him now. Just tell him that you've had a text saying to bring bedding for your kids so you'll all be going.. how mint is that type of thing.

See what he says.

But in all honesty.. if somebody treated my kids like that, we wouldn't be going anywhere, because it'll niggle at me all weekend.. I would be watching my dude closely on how he treated my kids and would probably be the end by sunday anyway.

ElseaStars · 15/04/2014 23:19

What did your ex say about having the kids? (or did you not ask him?)
I think If you are going to confront your partner they shouldn't be around to hear the arguments? Just a thought.

weatherall · 15/04/2014 23:31

Does his ds like your DCs? Do they have shared interests and play together well?

A caravan is a confined space and maybe isn't great for kids who don't get on well.

Original poster

Catflap1 · 15/04/2014 23:32

I haven't even asked my ex, I was stewing about it all day and wanted to get some advice from others to see if I was being unreasonable, I haven't mentioned to kids either and was only planning to give them the choice as don't want them upset knowing I we have gone without them, they might all say they would rather the party with dad!

I don't want to go now anyway, even if the kids don't want to come, I have the hump and this is another issue we need to talk about and clear up

OP posts:

Original poster

Catflap1 · 15/04/2014 23:35

Yes the kids get on great, his son only will come every other weekend to see him now at mine when my kids are here,

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 15/04/2014 23:35

I wouldn't go. Spend the day with your children instead before they go to their father's and tell your sack of shit dp that you want a serious discussion and that evening while the kids are at their fathers is when you want it to happen. If he swans off to the caravan anyway, then you'll know exactly where you stand.

RedFocus · 16/04/2014 08:54

VelmaD - if the ops p was just thinking of her kids and didn't want them to miss out on the party why did he not say that? Why make up a lie about there not being enough room then? He even had to blackmail her by saying well if you don't go we all don't go! Clearly doesn't want the ops dc to go to the caravan and is happy to use blackmail to achieve it. Deal breaker for me!

VelmaD · 16/04/2014 09:06

Ah I dont know. Maybe he doesn't feel he can be honest with her? Maybe he wanted time with just them and his son, seeing as she's just said up thread that his ds only wants to come to see her kids now, and doesn't want to say it that way? Maybe he doesn't like the way she's willing to turn round to her ex, who's planned to take them to a family party, and say "oh no, you can't take them after all, we are all away for a weekend with new do instead" but again, doesn't word it right?

I didnt take the all or none going as blackmail interestingly. More a "dont worry, if you dont come none of us will go, well spend the weekend with you"

We dont know the other side of this. Im not ruling out the guy being an arsehole dont get me wrong. But if OP hasn't spoken properly to him we only have her opinion and interpretation of what she's understood him to say. Which she brought here. And which im just giving a slightly different view on then blantant arsehole.

RussianBlu · 16/04/2014 09:23

I agree that you shouldn't go. I don't like that he is telling you how to word your texts. Actually, I don't like that he is telling you what to do. Is it likely that he will whine about his weekend being ruined by you because you wouldn't make the arrangements to go? What a pain he sounds (sorry). I would be tempted to text the sister back to say thank you very much but there seems to have been some confusion about who can and cant come!

TrueToYou · 16/04/2014 09:38

As Russian says, I would speak to the sister, get the full story and make sure she knew that her db is being an arse about two children.
Then I would speak to "d" p armed with full information on who was welcome originally.
He sounds a complete arse, and it would be a deal breaker for me. Kids come first, and I would not allow anyone to treat them like this.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/04/2014 10:05

I would text say 'all sorted, x says to bring bedding for the kids - so will ask them tonight if they want to come or not'. And then see what his response is.

Thomyorke · 16/04/2014 10:17

Do his family know you are pregnant? It can be quite tricky for extended family to know when the cross over from boyfriend/ girlfriend to partner and blended family happen. SIL could also be in the dark if conversation was between brother and DP. I know with my brother I would have lots of step nieces and nephews if I treated all the women's children he dated as family. I would take his lead it was when he finally moved in with his partner or discussed the relationship and that her children became his family and then the extended family could be fully inclusive. Some women would not want the family to be involved until they where ready. It is a minefield.

VelmaD · 16/04/2014 10:47

See I wouldn't take the children now, or ask them. Their dad has a family party, important enough to him to ask for them for an extra night which you've agreed to. I think it would be out of order now personally to ring him and cancel that. Whatever else is going on in this situation. Their dad and his family are important to and your children have arrangements there to see their extended family that side. So whatever happens, personally I wouldn't ask them or take them.

VelmaD · 16/04/2014 10:48

And agree with ThomYorke. Its hard, but if you aren't living together lines are even more blurred.

Have you spoken to your boyfriend OP?

RussianBlu · 16/04/2014 10:57

It might be that the children's dad wouldn't actually be able to collect them at 9am on the sat, maybe he has work or something. It would be unfair to ask him to cancel family party/not go to work or whatever to accommodate this request. I wonder if its just a request made knowing it would cause stress to you and friction with everyone. I think this is a good chance for you to have a think about things. You already have enough stress to deal with if the children's dad is inflexible and rigid about things, now another person seems to be wanting to add unnecessary stress to you.

I hope you stay at home and make a fuss of your children to get them ready for the party!

BookABooSue · 16/04/2014 11:14

Maybe he thought his ds would feel left out as your dcs were going to a party so he tried to arrange a nice day for him? tbh this weekend wouldn't bother me. Your dcs already had plans with their df. He probably assumed since that was already arranged that you wouldn't cancel their attendance at the party so they could go to the caravan. Perhaps he already told his ds they were having a day at the caravan without your dcs and that's what he tried to arrange.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/04/2014 11:37

Book this is not just a one off, op oh has a form for excluding her dcs.

Original poster

Catflap1 · 16/04/2014 14:04

Coffee I take full responsibility for my children, and unborn baby so to me if he can't treat my children as part if the family and the same as his son (like I do) and the baby due then there is no relationship!

Like I said I myself grew up with siblings from a different father (all 4 off us have same mother) and there are no differences between us at all we are all sisters, end of!

I refer to him as dp as that's currently what he is, but will not be if he can not grasp we all come as one and will be one family unit

OP posts:

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