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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take offence that only me and not my children are invited?

70 replies

Catflap1 · 15/04/2014 21:15

unsure if i'm reading to much into this or not but this is the story:

today my dp called me at work and said this his bro and sil have invited us down to there caravan on Saturday night! great I thought!

he went to to say that I would need to text my exh and ask him if I could drop my children to him at 9am on Saturday morning (it was already arranged that he was taken them from 6pm Saturday for a family party, and this is not his overnight weekend) so that we and my dp son could get down there by 11am so we can have most the day with them. when I said that I was unsure if ex would agree to this as he is not flexable at all he said to just word the text saying that I was now toing this and that the girls are welcome to come but mean that they wont be home for his family party and it was his call didn't bother me either way.

after I put the phone down I had a think (rushed call at work) and thought it was a little unfair on my children for me,dp and dss to go swanning off to the caravan for the weekend and that they might actually really like to come to ( they love it down there)

so I texted dp saying I would ask kids after work what they would rather do as would hate for them to feel like I was palming them off to go to the caravan and taking dp son along with me.

dp texted back saying that there wasn't room for all of us so if ex didn't agree to having girls then we wont go, I then mentioned how in first convo he gave the impression that my children are welcome and if not that's fine I will stay home and his and his son go down on there own.

thing that bothers me the most is that im pregnant and now wonder if its always going to be me and "our" child invited to his family things along with his son and my children are expected to go off to dads/babysitter etc

this is not the first time this has happened and he often says about going down to see his brother or visit his mum etc and my children are never in the plans at all like the time they booked a family holiday to centre parcs which I was invited on but not my children

AIBU

OP posts:
Wearyworker · 15/04/2014 22:12

No sorry OP, this doesn't seem ok at all, please stand up for your children now, no one else is going to do it, don't let them be treated like they don't matter, they do :(

Viviennemary · 15/04/2014 22:17

But it is only a couple of days. I don't think it's really that much out of order. Caravans are a bit short on space. But if you don't want to go without your daughters that is quite reasonable too.

thebodydoestricks · 15/04/2014 22:20

Also why/How is he inviting his relatives to stay at your house if you don't live with him.

Bit cheeky!

Original poster
Catflap1 · 15/04/2014 22:25

he didn't want baby at the beginning, but has got head around idea now, no it not ideal but im pregnant now and he is now looking forward to it, we decided to give relationship a go witch is why we have no plans to live together at the moment, i don't think its right to rush into that just because we are having a child.
we spend lots of time together and as a family with my children and his.

my question of AIBU is because it was like a huge red flag today and i need to question if my children are being left out and if so what does that mean when baby is born?

for me there are no difference between my children, i myself grew up in a family of 4, my two oldest siblings had a different dad but no one would know that unless we told them, as far as we are concerned we are just as much sisters as out biological sisters and i intend to have the same relationship for my children.

i will be having strong words with dp about this as it can not happen and i wont allow it to, if he can not treat my children the same as our baby his son then our relationship will end!

OP posts:
coppertop · 15/04/2014 22:26

I get the feeling that he'll decide that your children need to stay with their dad when the relatives come to stay.

SavoyCabbage · 15/04/2014 22:27

It's not about the length of time they will be apart. It's about they 'dp' making plans and expecting the op to ship her children out. And it's a caravan holiday. Which they would enjoy.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/04/2014 22:29

Op this should have been nipped in the bud earlier on, and certainly before you had another child with him. This would be a dealbreaker in a relationship, you and your kids come as one package. You need to have a serious and frank talk with him ASAP!

Original poster
Catflap1 · 15/04/2014 22:29

coppertop hmmmm your prob right, but that's not happening its my house and my childrens i have no intention of farming them off so his family can stay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catflap1 · 15/04/2014 22:34

areoflotgirl, because the first holiday was only 1 year into relationship and we hadn't long been doing stuff together as a family with all our dc's i sort of just accepted it when i was invited along but just politely declinded offer and thet went alone.

it only seems since i have gotten pregnant that this stuff is happening, which is why im concerned as i now have visions of me,and baby being invited to things along with his son and not my children.

just to make clear i don't actually think its his family that are excluding the children, i think its him

OP posts:
VelmaD · 15/04/2014 22:37

You need to discuss this openly and honestly with him.

Boyfriend and I have children. He has one, I have two. With access it means some weekends we do fun stuff just with his son, others just with mine, and some we do as a unit of five.

But it is all discussed before hand. I always ask if he wants to rearrange access for something, or wants a ticket for his ds and vice versa. Our extended families aren't really involved tbh - cards to his family are signed him, ds, me and to mine are signed me, ds1,2, sometimes him. Granted its only nine months in, but we are adults and dicuss all of this as there are children involved.

My boys know we do cinema etc without them, same as they do stuff with their dad with me, and their dad does stuff with their sister without them. But they know we do lots of things with them being special too.

Blended families are hard work. Openness and honesty are key. But i am of the opinion that you can do somethings, like this caravan when your children are with their dad, and its ok.

VelmaD · 15/04/2014 22:38

^^ and im sure the card thing will change to include all kids. But mine have met his parents once, maybe twice and his son has never met my mum.

gamerchick · 15/04/2014 22:38

Well then, he's just going to have to give his head a wobble and accept you as a package or not at all then isn't he?

Original poster
Catflap1 · 15/04/2014 22:42

Velma I totally agree and at times when it's my EXH weekend we have gone to stay with his bro and family along with just DP son.

What bothering me more is it not actually EXH weekend but he wants me to get there dad to have them so we can go with just his son! And his attitude is if they don't go to there dads then we can't go, and I'm even more certain this is him and not his family as his sil has just texted to ask if I can bring some extra bedding for my DC's so I tske it the invite was there from them for us all to go

OP posts:
SanityClause · 15/04/2014 22:43

But they're not with their Dad Velma. It's not their usual weekend to be with him, and they are only seeing him because there's a party.

The OP's "partner" is trying to get her to fob them off on their father, so they don't get to go to the caravan.

SanityClause · 15/04/2014 22:45

X posted.

That sucks, Catflap. It sounds like he really is trying to exclude your DC. Sad

VelmaD · 15/04/2014 22:52

He knew you'd rearranged the Saturday night though, so maybe just thought the opportunity was there for you guys to go, with them not missing the party you'd already rearranged access for? Exh and I often rearrange for things like his girlfriends family - its far easier for them to go as a unit of three than to take the boys and vice versa. But again, we talk. contact arrangment dont always have to be rigid - but I agree they can't be changed to suit just one person with an ulterior motive.

If you are worried its more sinister you really need to sit with him humans discuss it.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/04/2014 22:53

Cat that is dreadful, seriously that is a dealbreaker. I would confront him about that weekend at tge caravan and have a bloody serious talk. Of things don't change run very fast away from him

Aeroflotgirl · 15/04/2014 22:54

It seems in op case tat he is trying to exclude her dc

VelmaD · 15/04/2014 22:55

Im just imagining it.

Sil rings him "do you, op and kids want to come"
"ah, they're at their dads family party its been arranged, dont want to mess that up, will see if they can go all day as well so at least him/op/son can come"

Maybe he feels awkward about you cancelling the children going to their dads family party and doesn't want to rock that, so has made a bit of a lie, not realising sil would text you?

You need to speak to him.

Aventurine · 15/04/2014 22:56

like the time they booked a family holiday to centre parcs which I was invited on but not my children

That's bad. He can't use the "not enough space" excuse for that one.

CSIJanner · 15/04/2014 22:58

From your last update OP, tbh it doesn't look good am afraid. If SIL is texting you for extra bedding, he's deliberately excluding your DC. Not good :(

Original poster
Catflap1 · 15/04/2014 23:05

no it was def more that he doesn't want us all to go, like i said when he called he even stated how to word the text to my exh (who is the biggest pain in the arse ever an will never do anything for me, even including picking his children up from school when i was rushed into hospital) he basically said to write that i now had plans for Saturday and was able to take kids with me but it would mean that they would not be home for them to attend the party or i could drop them on way out at 9am (seven hours earlier than party) knowing that ex will want children at family party. so this to me said that we could all go.

it wasn't until i texted back sayimg that maybe i should give kids choice of what they want to do as they love the caravan, pool, beach, clubhouse etc that he then stated that if children didn't go to dads then we were not going.

OP posts:
ElseaStars · 15/04/2014 23:05

I also think he is deliberately excluding your kids which is shit Sad. My dads ex wife used to do this to me A LOT growing up and my dad used to let it happen. Please don't let this happen to your kids OP

Original poster
Catflap1 · 15/04/2014 23:06

No it doesn't look good and more i think about it the more cross im getting, i honestly thought earlier maybe i was just being hormonal and over reacting but i don't think i am

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/04/2014 23:07

He's very sneaky, get is definitely wanting to exclude your kids, he dies not want them there Sad

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