To think that to declare that you only want girls/ boys is mostly quite ghastly really?

[AskBasil]

I mean really, why?

It strikes me as already putting your child into a box before it's even born. And talk about a bad start for a kid - I really wanted you to have different genitalia because I've got some weird idea that that's what determines your character, behaviour and relationship with me and of course my parenting can't be expected to have as much influence as your genitalia.

FFS.

Sorry I know there may sometimes be legitimate-ish reasons for this (you've had 5 boys already and you want a girl, you're thinking of the future when you're a MIL etc.) but the woman I know hasn't got such reasons - she's just a fuckwit and I need to vent because I'm sick of her saying (in front of my DS as well), that she only wants girls. Bear with me.

I have two DS and I know my mum wanted a grand daughter. She even said she was "gutted" when SIL produced the third grandson, and said "oh for a little girl" when DS2 wasn't over keen on her kissing him.
She won't remember any of that but it cut deep with me. Dreadful.

I have two boys
In between both boys I lost a baby girl at 21 weeks , had to deliver her
I really wanted a girl after that, I felt it like a strong yearning or longing but realise that this could have been due to the loss. When I found out we were having another boy , healthy and bouncing at scans this time the relief and happiness was huge but that yearning for a girl is still there .
I don't know if I would feel so strongly if I hadn't had that loss... it's kind of like my missing link in the family
I don't think it's unreasonable to have felt that way , certainly doesn't mean I love my two boys any less

Aggressive much ice? Complex much? Should have known someone on mumsnet would reply in that way.

I have exposed both dds (4 and 2) to lots of outside play, parks and animal things. Dd2 likes eating and rolling in mud and dd1 is a total princess. Went to another girls house at age 2 and this girl had pink, fluffy, sparkly toys galore and that was it. Dd1 loves and wants that stuff and I think denying that seems like making a bigger deal of things than it really is. Dd2 wants the same things because her big sister has them.

In sure you are doing a much better job raising your girls. Big congrats and all that.

Thats true pomme. I bought my dd cars, dinosaurs, trains, cars etc when she was little. I refused to entertain the idea of barbie. And I didn't buy pink. But since a friend bought her a barbie for her second birthday (I was horrified), she rapidly moved down the girl toys path and loves her pink, disney princesses and all things cute and fluffy. I figure its her choice really. Whilst she sort of still likes the cars, trains, dinosaurs etc, she didn't really play with them. When her younger brother was old enough to walk he collected all those things from her room and hid them in his. It didn't seem to bother dd. But I can see that ds enjoys those toys a million times more than dd did. His joy when playing with them is huge, and totally consuming. On the plus side though, dd is a good rugby player and will get down in the dirt, so not all is lost.

We're all shaped by our own experiences.

Before having children I wanted two girls. I'm one of two girls and despite many squabbles when we were younger, as adults we are incredibly close. My sister is my absolute best friend and constant support and I am hers. I've always wanted my children to have what I've had in a sibling even before having them. We are also both extremely close to our mum. It's what I know and what I like and luckily enough for me what I got.

If I'd have had a boy first I would have wanted another boy, equally because in my experience I've known a few sisters that have remained very close as adults and a few brothers but never a brother and sister. That's not to say there probably aren't tonnes out there but that's not my own personal experience.

My preferences were based on nothing to do with any gender stereotyped notions and I can't imagine that they would have affected the love I feel for my DC regardless of what gender they turned out to be.

It's ghastly if your child's gender will change how you treat them or love them.

I think having a preference is fine. The "I want X but as long as they're healthy" attitude.

I want both. But if I could control it, I would want boys first, and if I had to choose only one, I would want boys. I think boys are easier. I've also personally had trouble getting along with girls and women through my life; I have a few great friends, but I've dealt with a lot of drama with girls that I've never had with boys. To be perfectly honest, I'm wary of teenage girls, I have some resentment still from being bullied through my own teenage years.

Of course, I would think my own children should be different, but I still have a deep fear that I won't be able to handle girls or will have some sort of resentment for my daughters if they turn out like the pretty, popular girls who I had trouble with.

Having fertility issues (but now with 3 children) I would never find out the sex of my children and couldn't have cared less what sex they were. I just felt lucky to have them. That is what I don't like about people wanting a particular sex, is that they don't seem to realise what a gift having a child is. It seems so taken for granted that they will fall pregnant with a perfectly healthy child and then still have something to say about their ideal sex.

I'm so glad you got through your fertility issues merle but you're wrong to assume that having a preference for gender means that people don't realise what a gift having a child is. It is very easy to feel both - and it can make the gender longing hard to deal with tbh. The guilt around longing for a gender that you don't have can be enormous because it feels like a betrayal of your own kids even if you wouldn't change a single hair on their heads and feel utterly lucky to have them.

The longing for the other gender is an additional set of feelings - it doesn't cancel other feelings out.

Merle - I went through fertility treatment too, and whilst we really didn't care what DC1 was as we were just so grateful to have a baby, that didn't stop me secretly hoping that the second child was a girl. I recognised how lucky we were to be in that position, but it didn't stop the hoping...

I only wanted boys, even with going through multiple miscarriages. If we had a girl, we would have loved her just as much, but i was sexually abused as a child and I knew i would be more, erm, protective? That's not the right word. Even with my oldest boy I wouldn't let his grandpa (fil) bathe him. Not because I think he's in anyway dodgy, but because he might be. It was an opinion i had of all men, aside from my husband and my dad. Even my brothers. It took a lot of work to stop thinking like that about my family. I can only imagine i would have been worse if we had a girl.

the only people who knew i didn't want a girl were my husband and mom. I never told anyone else

I have always been honest about wanting 4 girls! As a child my mum said I told everyone who would listen that that 'when I grow up I'm going to have 4 girls' and I even had their names picked!! (I come from a very large family and was the only girl). Fast forward 45 years and I have DS, DD, DS. Doesn't matter a jot now and I love them all equally! I think there is nothing wrong with having a preference.. its when you act on it that its wrong. My boys know I wanted girls and one day when they were younger, they put their DSis clothes on and we had a name change..(Kizzy and Scarlette!)...Very funny... but they know how much I love them. My Parents said a cheer went round our family when I had DD as EVERYONE knew how much I LONGED for a DD. I really feel for people who know they were not wanted either because of their gender or other reasons. My DCs KNOW how much each of them mean to me (us). I am still a little sad that DD didn't have a sister.. I wanted one so badly that I cried my eyes out when DB 4 was born. My DB and I are incredibly close.

I'm not bothered in the slightest if a woman wants a girl but if she actively doesn't want a girl I always feel like they are betraying their own sex. I've heard people say implying that girls are crafty or sly and born that way.

There are definitely more opportunities to knit for a girl!!

I'm being facetious, although it is true.

(When one of my friends announces they are pregnant with a knowing glint in their eye towards my ever present knitting, it is always items for girls that spring into my head first just because there are so many more. My mum's method of showing love was knitting.)

I don't have a problem with them having a preference as I do have one (although in my case I plan to adopt) but if they treat them less favourably/badly once they are here that's when I think it's wrong.

I don't know why but I have a dream boy in my head and have done for years but there are times when I think a DD to go with him would be nice too but I think I can only handle one so will go for DS. I do like the 'One of Each' idea!!!. But really as cliched as it sounds, the health is the most important thing but I agree with a pp who said hoping for health and gender sometimes happens as one doesn't cancel out the other.

I have three sons and am very fond of them, but I would have quite liked it if one of them had been a girl. But I think you should be grateful for what you have got.

My sister's ex husband (now deceased), was totally obsessed with having a daughter, but ended up with six sons, four by his first wife and two by my sister. But he did eventually have some granddaughters.

I also had a friend whose mother yearned for a son, but had five daughters. But she eventually had some grandsons.

YABU, there's nothing wrong with wanting one or the other. I want only daughters and no not because I want pretty princesses, in fact I don't want that at all. People want to see themselves in their children, don't they? I want unfeminine women like me for children. I don't understand women who want only boys though, especially when they say it's because they're "easier" or even "better".

you want feminine women? why? what's wrong with feminine women?

if you want unfeminine children you might as well have boys (who would presumably be all alpha males)

ffs, dick phone

I meant do you want unfeminine women? why?

etc.

It doesn't bother me at all when people say they want one or the other. They usually change their minds anyway.

I always wanted one of each so when pg for the second time I did have a sex preference.

It would have been the same if the sexes were reversed though.

However I don't think that just because you want a boy/girl automatically means that you want them to be stereotypes.

Eg I don't buy dolls/ Disney princess for DD and I don't buy guns/ DIY type toys for DS etc etc

My husband wanted a little girl to treat like a little princess with pink and everything. We go lucky and had a girl. I'm sure he'd be just fine with a boy, but I think he'd be a little harder on a boy than a girl. Now I have the opposite problem, I'll have to make sure she doesn't turn out to be a spoiled "daddy's little princess" type. He was talking all big about how he was going to do corporal punishment, as soon as she was born that all went out the window and he was just like "I'll send her to you for discipline". LOL, no. But that's a talk for a different day when she's older.

Anyway, I was happy to have a girl just because they have so many cute little outfits... and yes, I'm secretly hoping to do fun girly things like manicures and such. I suspect she'll be a rough and tumble girl like me though, getting her cute dresses muddy and coming in the house with snakes and bugs she caught. :)

We're trying to make sure we get her a mix of toys as she grows up, so it's not all girl things. My brother has already predetermined she will like legos, and my husband has already predetermined she'll like FPS games (again, another talk for a different day, lol).

I follow a few YouTube families - though I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable about the child exploitation involved - and I was shocked at the reaction when Judy Travis was pregnant last year. They already have a little girl, and they found out they would be having twin girls. The comments section was awful - people were trying to commiserate with them, and tell them they'd get it 'right' next time. It was if the double whammy of two girls added insult to injury! (It didn't help that her husband started bleating about wanting 'his boy' when the new babies were only days old.) But you'll see a hell of a lot of sexism online when it comes to this kind of thing - and a disturbing amount of it has young female avatars attached

I always wonder how these parents would react if their child grew up to be transgender and they didn't have their precious daughter/son anymore.

I want a boy AND a girl? why?! because I just do.
I don't really care if I have two boys
or two girls
or three girls and a boy
or two boys and two girls
they will be MY children, it's just what I want. Mother father sister brother. thats just what I would like, not what I need/want.