To think that to declare that you only want girls/ boys is mostly quite ghastly really?

[AskBasil]

I mean really, why?

It strikes me as already putting your child into a box before it's even born. And talk about a bad start for a kid - I really wanted you to have different genitalia because I've got some weird idea that that's what determines your character, behaviour and relationship with me and of course my parenting can't be expected to have as much influence as your genitalia.

FFS.

Sorry I know there may sometimes be legitimate-ish reasons for this (you've had 5 boys already and you want a girl, you're thinking of the future when you're a MIL etc.) but the woman I know hasn't got such reasons - she's just a fuckwit and I need to vent because I'm sick of her saying (in front of my DS as well), that she only wants girls. Bear with me.

YANBU and I think it's vile when someone has all boys for example and they say "I'm so glad I never had girls." So sneery

Newt - I agree. My SIL labels her two (now three) based on gender and talks about doing girlie things with her DD, only encourages her DSes to do footie and Lego etc. I see my two as not at all like their supposed gender traits and allow all sorts of toys, interests etc.

I hear some mums of just boys saying "with boys, you have to treat them like puppies and exhaust them" (not true for my boy, more true for my girl) and some mums of girls saying "at least my daughters sit quietly and don't get muddy" (not true of my girl at all!)

Idiots will read the gender not the child whichever gender they actually have. A preference isn't the problem, an assumption that a particular gender determines the child and your relationship with them, and therefore you have to have a particular gender is very much a problem.

True everton

I agree.

My DSis (who openly admits to being a SMOG - smug mum of girls) was "in tears" at the thought of having a boy - which, as a mum of 2 boys I found to be a bit off. She and her other SMOG friends were quiet open about how irritating they found boys, and I remember her being quite venomous about 2 boys who had been running around at one of her daughter's birthday craft parties instead of sitting quietly, sticking and glueing.

I hate, hate this type of gender stereotyping.

Soon we will live in a society when no one dares speak! It's not against the law to tell others your preferences, and who cares anyway? Just nod and say I hope you get what you want.

The only baby preference that slightly irks me is when people say the perfect family is boy first then girl (because the big brother can look after his little sister apparently).

Since it is a 50/50 chance it seems silly to have a preference. I was quite happy with what came.

Preferences = fine. Making it clear that you will be devastated in some way by one particular gender = not fine, esp. if the person you're sharing your 'preference' with is the mother of a child of that particular gender.

Being pregnant does not absolve you of the responsibility to apply filters to your thought/speech process.

SirChenjin well said.

I had 2 boys and yes I admit I wanted dc3 to be a girl as I wanted to experience having a girl. I ended up with 2 of each but love them all to bits and am just grateful they are here and healthy.

I had 3 boys, they are great and we had/have great fun.
One was a bit tricky growing up but ok now the other two a dream.
When I had my 4th, damn right I wanted a girl, I had 3 sons already why wouldn't I want a nice change.
I'd have loved any baby of mine but I really don't see what's wrong with wanting a different sex.
(She's very difficult though)

Hi ledkr Difficult you say? That'll be the Feb 2011-ness I expect...

When I was pg my then partner really wanted a girl. His parents wanted me to have a girl. He had, what I believe is called, gender disappointment at the 22 week scan when we were told we were having DS.

I think I sort of wanted a boy in the back of my mind but only because I had imagined having a son and I was the daughter from hell but I really didn't have a strong feeling either way. I am upset that DS' fraternal GPs were disappointed though

A baby is a baby, there really isn't any difference other than the chances of being pissed on are a lot greater with a boy.

I had a vague preference for having a boy because I suffered horrendous periods all my life and that might have been a characteristic not worth passing on....

It is also the case that neither me or DH are 'lookers' and that would have mattered less to a male child than a female, one tragically unfair though that fact of life may be.

It worries me that people fancy one of the opposite gender to the ones they have had because they want 'a change'. In what way do they expect it to be different? Is it that much more of a challenge wiping one type of arse equipment to the other? Is a change as good as a holiday when it comes to nappies?

If it is anything more than that you are talking about the average girl versus the average boy...and you would be nuts to believe your children will be either.

DH and I only wanted girls. We both absolutely hate football, rugby and cricket.

Of course I have a sporty DD who has played all three for her primary school [btugin], but at least she doesn't talk about them endlessly as well.

Sod [btugrin]

I think the change is a bit more superficial ice. We're expecting a boy now post two dds and the idea of some blue and grey coloured things in my life is quite exciting. Dh is excited about the idea of the fact he's more likely to get dinosaur/trains/spaceman things in his life now.

I think having a mild preference for yourself personally is one thing. The problem is expressing your preference badly to other parents (who may have that combo!) or people commenting on your combination as an unwanted one (i.e. not one of each).

pomme why aren't your DD's into dinosaurs, trains and spacewomen? Is it because you only ever exposed them to disney princesses?

I only mention it because my DD has infinitely more dinosaur clothes than princess clothes (1 and 0)....which is totally the result of parental preference...and the fact I find dinosaurs to be a better role model than princesses for anyone of any gender...

It also turns out that girls can wear blue/grey things...again as the result of parental preference my DD wears mostly non-pink clothes...due to the idea that if she wears pink she will self associate with the pink toys which aren't the same as the blue toys and get herself some ridiculous limiting ideas about what she can do with her life....

In spite of all this effort on my part my nearly 3 yo DD told me only last week that 'the engineer can't be called Dottie...its a girls names and girls can't be engineers'.

Gender stereotyping is hideous and it starts with parents imagining they will bring up girls and boys differently before they have even met them.

When I was pregnant I honestly had no preference for either gender. It made no difference to me. I now have DD and having raised her a single mother (she's 13 now) and having such a close relationship with her, I would be very nervous about having a boy (I do want more children).

I've never come across a relationship between a son and mother that's as close as relationships between mothers and daughters (with the possible exception of gay males). Perhaps I just haven't met any such people and such close relationships can and do exist, but I do worry that I wouldn't have such a close bond if I had a boy.

There's an awful expression "a son's your son til he gets a wife, but your daughter's your daughter for the rest of your life" - I absolutely hate it, but unfortunately I think that generally speaking daughters do tend to remain closer to their mums - although there are obviously many exceptions to that.

You just have to look at some of the venomous MIL threads on here which seem like nothing more than a MIL saying something off the cuff (as we all do) and the DIL jumping on it as an example of how evil the woman is - when her own DM might say something similar and not elicit nearly the same response.

I have 3dds and cannot imagine having boys but never had a preference when pg. I do get sympathy for having 3 dds so I have said in response that I only ever wanted girls just to shut people up. Reality, just wanted healthy dc. I used to get really upset as dd2 had to be resuscitated at birth and we nearly lost her - I feel so lucky as it could have been very different.

My DH and his mum are really close. It's lovely! She may be a bit overbearing and have an opinion on everything but I'm a grown woman and can take it on the chin.

So MIL may not be the type of lady I'd look to, to be a friend but she's family and I love her. I give her credit for raising DH to be a good man. And I think their relationship is great.

So I see no reason why I can't still have a close relationship with my DS (as well as DD) even when he's no longer 3 years old and more interested in his partner than in playing superheroes with me.

You may not like it and tell her if you don't want her to say it in front of your child but really the long and short is she's just saying how she feels. Sometimes people have a strong preference as to what sex they want their child to be. She sounds like she might have some deep-rooted reasons for this.

YABU. I'm pretty sick of people on here saying its wrong to want one or the other. I was raised 'gender free' by a very hardcore feminist, I wasn't bought skirts or dolls or anything like that. Guess what, I grew up to be a skirt wearing, chatty, empathetic woman and my brother grew up to be a loving but much less communicative music geek who knew how to drive before he turned 17.

Men and women are by and large, different. If we were the same then MN would be equally full of men supporting each other, swapping childbirth jokes and posting what clothes they fancy buying this weekend.

I wanted a girl, to the point that I never really believed it possible I'd have a boy. When DS arrived I had no idea who he was or where he'd come from. I had PND, not because of his gender but definitely exacerbated by my unspeakable private disappointment.

I didn't want a girl to go shopping with, or to do nail polish etc. I wanted one to talk to, because my best chats in life have been with women. I know, I know, I could have had a monosyllabic daughter who would hate all my interests. But I have nephews and nieces and by and large, it's the nieces that really talk to me.

DS has been a constant source of amazement, there's nothing about him I'd change now, and I find it hard to believe I ever thought I wanted a girl. He brings so much joy and I love watching him grow. When I see girls giggling on the bus now I just think yikes, who could be arsed with that.

But I'll never accept that it's shit, or ghastly, or stupid to have a gender preference. It would just be rude to express it negatively to others, and of course I'd never dream of doing that.

Morris - I do get where you're coming from. I had an incredibly close relationship with my mum, and have a sister. We had DS1 after months of fertility treatment, and I was just so delighted to have a baby that I really didn't care. However, when I became pregnant with DD (DC2) I was desperate for a girl - I suppose I really wanted to have the same relationship as I'd had with my mum. I didn't voice that preference though, or make it known that I was devastated at the thought of having a boy.

I think the best thing to say about gender to a parent or parent-to-be is absolutely nothing. Ever.

I'm still astounded by the things that have been said to me about my kids. In the end, I shut people up by exclaiming brightly before they could bump their gums, 'Yes! Aren't I lucky to have 3 such gorgous boys! I'd love to have another one!'

gorgeous