To NOT want to keep hearing about the world and its wife being pregnant

[impatientlywaiting14]

Hi all

So am ttc#1, onto cycle 3 now (not long i know) but so impatient as I have waited a longgg time to get to this point due to varying circumstances including health. I have found out I have Endo and am so anxious for it to happen and worried it never will.

I Have 3 close friends ones currently pregnant, ones not long had a baby, the other childless. I don't really Feel like i cant talk to the first two as I will make them feel bad and like i begrudge their good fortune ( i really dont).

So i speak to childless friend more. She tells me today about 3 of her family members (2 i don't know from Adam) and one i do know finding out today their pregnant. This was over text I told her to pass on my Congrats and cried. She knows im struggling atm but dosen't understand why. But shouldn't that be enough, do i really need to know about members I have never met or heard of and ones i don't see (at least for now). Their not my family. If it was her then it would be different.

I Keep seeing it all over fb and hear through other people "guess what so and sos expecting". I feel like saying to people I don't want to hear it but I know that would be unreasonable and sound like i cant be happy for others.

I know there are others out there that have been ttc much longer than me and im Sorry if i have upset anyone or come across insensitive. I just needed to rant to people who understand instead of being told "oh i don"t see why your dissapointed it will happen soon, its not like you cant have kids" :(

xxx

Forgot to say in my humongous post before, I have suspected lupus. Trying to get a referral to a London hospital for that as my local hospital is next to useless and won't listen to me. Won't even do repeat bloods when the haematology advised retesting (they were positive!). I looked at them myself. Perk of my job lol.

Someone said about getting referred to st Mary's. I know we have choose and book and all that but back then the fertility service would not fund anything other than their own county run service. I don't know how it is now we have ccg's as my town has it's own one. We may have more luck. I haven't even spoken to my gp since it changed. Our CCG seems very forward thinking though and open to a lot more things. May read the website and see what it says. I have no idea how it all works now. Shite just realised I'm a complete fish out of water here.

Yanbu, you feel how you feel and infertility is somethjng I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. 3 months isn't a long time in the scheme of things but can feel like a lifetime.
I found that after a while I could be happy for others who were pregnant but at the same time sad for myself. I did also ask that people tell me over the phone and then leave me a day or so to get over myself then I would be fine. If people told me in person in public I would find it very hard to not cry, which of course made people feel awkward and that was the last thing I wanted as I was actually genuinely happy for them, just the sadness was overwhelming at first.
It did take me 3 years to conceive my first baby, and 9 months (and Ivf) for my third so I know exactly how it feels. Infertility is a lonely place.

Good luck with that Meerkat, I've heard brill things about St Mary's you just need to be ttc to get in there...

Op, good luck also. I hope you can find yourself in a 'better place' too ttc. I know the difficulty of dtd, in the end we really struggle to have sex at the right time, would fight then def. not want it. I guess for many of us ttc is only part of the battle (then you need to get to 12 weeks, 20 weeks ....). So I just wanted to offer some perspective and clarity when things seem by muddled up for you.

I wish you the very best of luck....

Good luck OP with ttc, but please do heed those posters cautioning you to put this in perspective a bit. It took us almost 3 years to get our bfp, and if I'd started out thinking the way you are at three months in i think I'd have lost the plot entirely by the end.

Yes, it can be hard to see others having babies when you are struggling (even more so if you've just lost one) but their pregnancy does not reduce your chances, so try to find a way to rationalise this for your own sake.

Op, you don't know you have issues yet. I consider myself very fertile and dd2 took 4-5 cycles.

OP have you said how old you are? Apologies if i've missed it.

Because this, of course, will have a great baring on
a. Roughly how long you can expect it to take to conceive, and therefore
b. How justified you are in being very twitchy about timescale, right from the get go.

I popped my first 3DCs out in my early 20's after trying for about ... half an hour each time! NO CLUE about the stressful and emotionally painful struggle to conceive some couples go through. Blissful ignorance.

Fast forward to my late 30s and a new DH (who had no DCs of his own) ... and without going into all the ins and outs we found ourselves ''struggling with ttc''. Years of it. No idea if it was 'him' or 'me' as we never had tests - but it was bloody awful, physically draining and emotionally exhausting. I have been lucky enough for my perseverance with charting and healthy living to pay off, and have a 11 week old DD in my arms. But looking back now i wonder how many friends feelings i inadvertently hurt with the stream of bouncy pregnancy announcements of my older 3? It never crossed my mind for one second back then. It's on my radar now, of course, and i am thankful every day of my life that i no longer get tearful at baby food and nappy ads. No longer see my monthly cycle as a taunting, miserable thing. Don't even start me on pinning on a smile for DHs family's birth announcements and trying to laugh along with jokes about us 'having a go' then crying on the drive home

Best, best best of luck OP - i hope it happens soon for you :)

One thing I also never ask people is 'do you want kids one day?' Oh the bolt of lightning that hits you when that question is asked and you have to instantly keep that smile on your face and come up with and answer so they suspect nothing of the part of you dying inside and wanting to run away screaming.

People ask innocent questions but you really have no idea what is going on in people's lives. It's such a hard subject and as no one talks about it nobody has any idea about how prevalent it actually is.

That's a very good point Meerkat, my dh suggested to me that there was probably loads of people we knew going through similar. I. Found it very difficult to hide it though. I honestly felt like we were the only ones.

I also wanted to say to give op a bit of reassurance that I do remember the feelings happening very early on. From only ttc for a very short while. I. Don't know why I assumed things would happen so quickly for us. In my case it took years but we didn't have any tests we just kept going I don't know how.you just do.

I find it hard to be around friends with children too especially when they moan about things that seem really trivial and I think that they don't realise how lucky they are and what some people would give to be in their position.

YANBU. I want children and I'm sick of seeing that everyone and their mums are pregnant!

Sorry for the delay in reply I went to reply last night and a message come up to say the post was deleted? Have seen today its still Very much here.

Fluffieraggies Thanks very much for your Kind response. Yes, you are right struggling with anxiety about ttc is very much a lonely road and there doesn't seem to be anyone to talk to at the moment that really understands.

Most days I feel I manage it quite well. There are the odd days though where it gets on top of me. The day I wrote the post is one of those days. I had also seen an announcement on fb that day and had just started AF So was also dealing with that disappointment so just felt a bit overwhelmed and sensitive overall . Nobody knows about the crying not even my O.H as I went to the loo. I Was surprised it affected me that much and did feel quite silly.

I am feeling much brighter today and more on top of things again.

Another reason I am anxious is that I had my lap 12 Months ago this month and its commonly known that Endo usally comes back within 12 months of a lap. The thing that i felt was a saving grace was my pill, as I felt that was keeping things at bay.

Now of course in order to ttc I have come off of it. This Months AF in Particular hasn't been good and i can feel the familiar pain to as I had before the op coming back and trying very hard not to worry. Also Early menopause runs in our family. There are so many other factors not Endo or cycle related that are fueling my anxiety that i wont bore people with.

I haven't said how old I am as don't want to make myself identifiable as i have given a lot of information already plus if im truthful I don't want to be judged. I am not over the age 35 threshold but much closer to 30 than 25.

Im sorry to hear of your struggles fluffyraggies that must have been Very tough, even more so that it happened as you said in your view so easily the first three times so was very unexpected but Im so pleased to hear there was a light at the end of the tunnel for you I truly mean that and congrats on your d.d Hopefully you feel those days of struggling are long behind you and you have completed your family with your D.H

Thank-you again for your comment xxxx

MeerkatTargaryen

I just wanted to say thank-you for all your comments and im Truly sorry to hear of your miscarriages most especially after ten years of trying to conceive, That must have been hell. I really hope that you get the referral soon and answers to a lot of questions that you have.

My previous doctors had fobbed me off for years regarding the Endo (and other health issues not mentioned) I had shown symptoms of Endo for around 14 years. The doctor then decided to take me off the pill and things just escalated from there that flagged up something was up. Thankfully i Moved home and docs and they suspected it. I worked with them for over a year before I had the Lap to diagnose it.

I hope that yours come through for you, is there more than one doctor you could see at your G.PS (if you have not seen them already) or is it possible to move to another G.P in the catch meant area if they really wont listen? Sorry if you have already specified i have read all the comments but a lot of information to take in and retain.

To say I wish you better would be silly as you sound like you have a long history of complicated medical issues, i do want to say i wish that things work out for you.

Thank-you for giving me a kick up the backside also and I hope i did not offend you with my post. I do feel guilty for it. However not as guilty as if i had voiced those feelings in real life (I would never dream of it) and caused damage to real relationships with people i care about.

I will heed your advice about not having this conversation with my pg friend. Poor thing already feels bad enough due to another so called "friend". She asked me a while ago if i had been Ok when she told me and i had said i had been.

You are also right in what you say that i cant hide away from every pg woman, i know that Really. The peculiar thing is I am fine with baby's be it my Friends, family or a strangers. I met up with my friend and her baby and had a lovely catch up and cuddles. I took a gift i got for her i Had sitting at home for ages where i hadn't seen her (not through want of trying).

Its just with the news of people being pregnant that i feel my heart contract, sadness and frustration. Sadness that we haven't had our turn yet and frustration of feeling this way (as i have always been such a patient person) and not just being 100% happy and instead it being majority of it happiness and the remainder mixed emotions. If that makes sense.

Unfortunately the ship has already sailed regarding me telling people im ttc only those very close (my O.H had part in that too) but none the less. I haven't told my Mum though lol and don't intend to as no contact (difficult family situation).

Regarding you saying That I don't know if the Endo will affect my fertility , I have had my friends respond exactly the same when in conversation and voicing my concerns and then told me about a friend/this persons relative they know with Endo or other fertility issues, that have gone on to conceive. I know its well meant and is supposed to reassure me but it just leaves me feeling more frustrated, and like i should just keep these thoughts to myself.

I think you are correct in saying to post on here. I didn't want to keep referring to here everyone time i have these feelings crop up as i thought it feels terribly self indulgent, but that horse has bolted now with my quite unreasonable A.I.B.U post :)

I wanted to say its great for your friend with Endo that she had 2 children and I hope things turn out well for her. I hope that things pick up for you soon and wish you all the best of luck with everything and also with completing your training :)

Thanks again for your feedback
xxx

Well done OP. Your latest responses are far more measured. I think it's worth trying to identify a strategy to get you through your worse days. Maybe talking to DP or posting on here?

I also wonder whether it's worth considering a new project/activity as a positive distraction. I think TTC is particularly frustrating because it takes as long as it takes and you have very limited control. Beyond a certain point, you can't really get any better at it, it either works or it doesn't. If you had something new and good to think about, that might be good? I know it won't take away your anxiety.

Hi TestingTestingWonTooFree

Thank-you for your comments, sorry if i didn't reply before, I poodled off to bed after posting thinking not many would be bothered about my AIBU post to find the next morning 29 plus comments! I thought wow i have caused some scandal here lol. As you can appreciate there were a lot of comments to reply to and I didn't want to personally reply to some and miss out others.

That does sound tough for you and im glad to hear you got there in the end and are hopefully feeling in a better place :)

Im also, it seems, at an age where people are planning a family especially with older mums becoming the norm now. Apart from my friend and a few acquaintances everyone i know has children, the majority a lot younger than me . I am on a woman-only course and no exaggeration everyone on that course but me has children.

We all sit together on lunch and chat and they swap stories about their children and I sit there feeling like i have nothing to contribute to the conversation. I know of course its only natural they would talk about them as they are a huge part of their lives. However it only adds to my feelings that i am seriously lagging behind. My friends Naturally think I'm just seeing it that way and I am seeing everyone with children, as I want it to happen so much.

Of course I know that other people getting pregnant doesn't reduce my chances at all. Its just a natural reaction. I am usually quite rational thinking and am quite annoyed at myself, as i mentioned before I have always been a patient person. I am also shocked at how much it gets to me sometimes.

As you said i need to find a way of dealing with this. Yes i think posting on here in general conversation and chat should help. I cant talk to D.P as he has said quite firmly he doesn't want to hear about it :( Shame as he is the one person who understands when i am feeling low after being told about yet another announcement.

I think your suggestion is correct about finding a new project to focus my mind on, as you said it will take as long as it takes. Sitting there waiting for it to happen is going to prolong things further. I am thinking of going back to work and My D.P is pushing for me to go back. I was made redundant last year following health issues that affected work.

I knew i had a few ops coming up so i have held off finding something new until these ops were out the way. Rather than finding a new job straight off then having to ask the new employer for time off and highlight I have underlying health issues and create another stigma. This way I can start afresh.

The trouble (which i think is what is a good part responsible for this anxiety) is I had been putting things off for along time prior to making the conscious effort. Shortly after i started my previous job i realized i wanted to start a family but as i hadn't been in the job long i thought it wouldn't look good to leave early so i kept pushing things to the back of my head.

I also knew its not a job that could accommodate me coming back on flexi hours and i would need to change jobs. Prior to this job i had already put off a family due to family issues and other health worries. I know the type of work Im experienced in would clash with D.Ps work so am worried that this will affect our chances trying to conceive.

I know of course there are couples all the time both working and ttc and they have the struggles of getting around work among all the other ttc issues. I just feel its going to add to the problems that are already there. D.P is a person to stress about money and i feel once he see's more money coming in i think he will be reluctant for me to only be their a short time and hold off so we can save money first, not just be their for the minimal time.

I fear it will all end up getting put off for another few years and although i don't know for sure that the Endo will affect me i don't want to prolong things any further now as you just cant know what the future holds. I also had this conversation with both my doctors who have been fantastic and they both advised me do not put things off and i really do value their advice, as if it wasn't for them i would still be suffering (a lot more) and looking for answers.

Thank-you again for your comment :)

xxx

Hey, it is hard and although I kind of agree that 3m isn't that long you clearly already know there may be other problems and also - I found oddly that the first 6m of TTC were the worst! I don't know why, maybe because you expect it to happen quickly and it's all you can think about. Once 9m passed for me things became easier.

I definitely agree that you should try and find a project or hobby to get into. For me it was trying to get fitter and I started running and doing some other bits and bobs. It doesn't solve everything but it helps to sometimes have something else to think about. I also have found that unconsciously over the past year we've strengthened friendships with people who are least likely to make announcements - our gay friends, my cousins who are in their early 20s, our friend whose lovely GF is quite a few years younger than him and has no interest in babies atm. When having a weekend of seeing these people we often remarked how nice it was to not talk or think about babies for a whole day.

I know everyone deals with fertility problems differently but I tried so hard to be reasonable while we were struggling. I didn't like hearing pregnancy news face to face from people who I wasn't that close to, but I always tried to put a brave face on even if I was in tears later. Of course you tell yourself that them getting pregnant has no impact on you - no-one really thinks that do they! - but it's just a reminder of what you want most in the world and makes you feel left behind as your friends start popping babies out. When it was people I really cared about getting pregnant it was easier to feel genuinely happy for them. I would have been gutted if for example my bro and SIL got pregnant and felt unable to tell us face to face.

One of DH's friend's brother and his SIL had problems TTC and the SIL dealt with it in an unfortunate way I think. When our friend's wife was expecting, the SIL just cut them off and refused to see them. By this point she was 1 year into TTC (so not massively long in the scheme of things). When the baby was born he was 8 wks premature and had a few initial problems; the SIL still had nothing to do with it and wouldn't even sign the card the brother sent for his new nephew. Really heartbreaking. SIL did get pregnant about 6 months later. She now acts like nothing happened and wants to talk pregnancy and baby stuff with our friend and his wife. It hurt them deeply that she cut them off like she did. I've always tried to be mindful of this. The chances are good that you WILL get pregnant one day and when you do you won't want to have burned bridges with your friends or look back and feel bad about anything you did. (This doesn't mean you can't talk to close friends about it all, though!).

Good luck OP

OP I don't think anyone would suggest you should wait or take a break from TTC. There will never be a convenient time to get pregnant/have children. The only alarm bell for me is your DP not being willing/able to support you emotionally.

OP you mention you've come off the pill to ttc# is that very recent? because it can take your body a little while to get back to normal and I would possibly give it a couple of months before even starting to officially count cycles.
I have no health issues but it took us over a year to conceive Ds, it was sometimes disappointing that that month wasn't 'my' month and so I do understand that feeling. I know it's easier said than done particularly with your endo worries but try not to feel pressured, there's an excellent chance you'll be pregnant (or even holding your baby) this time next year.

I see what you mean. Everything is up in the air, the endometriosis, your future operations, work etc. Good luck. It is hard seeing other people get pregnant when you are worried about it already.

After my last miscarriage one of my friends gave birth and another got pregnant fairly soon after. It is part of the course that other peoples lives carry on. But to be honest I coped with my friends fine, I found see loads of pregnant women I didn't know going to yoga torture!!!! That was hard.

One of the things that helps is knowing that you never know what difficulties someone else went through to get pregnant. Or even if they have a hard pregnancy. One friend, took a while to get pregnant, great pregnancy, great birth but then she really suffered as her baby ended up in and out of hospital. Conceiving, pregnancies and babies are so much more fragile and difficult than I had ever imagined. It is hard.

Big hug.

Hi moggle Thanks for your reply

Yes I feel it will be harder in a sense earlier on as I feel its (a little) more in my control whereas say past the 6 month stage I will have to (for the sake of my sanity) take on a more 'what will be will be approach'. it doesn't help that well meaning friends say 'oh it will happen really soon you will see'. One friend has said shes thinks i wall fall within 7 months and as much as i told myself not to before ttc its its obliviously raised my expectations.

I don't know if knowing about the Endo the doctor will look into it after 6 months or I will have to wait the 12 months as i'm not over 35. Knowing that I have an issue that could affect me does not help the anxiety that's right. I know its a big if. However becoming a mum means the absolute world to me so that big IF i know would impact me tremendously if it were to become a reality.

I am debating about work, as at least my mind will be busy plus the o.h is worrying about money and i feel he is holding back at the moment. I'm just a bit concerned it will prolong things further.

I think trying to take a break each month from ttc talk, thinking about babies or talking about anything related would do us good. I recently spent the day seeing my pregnant friend and from the time we got to hers to when i left (6 hours) it was constant baby talk. I know that's only natural and couldn't expect her not to talk about it, that would have been very unfair. I was exhausted when i got home emotionally though, as as much as i am genially happy for her i found it very draining to keep pushing back down the feeling of disappointment that its not us also making all the plans to look forward to picking baby names, deciding on how to decorate babys nursey ect.

I agree, Hearing pregnancy news from those we know and love is so much easier and of course i make the effort to put on a brave face for anyone regardless of our relationship with them. But i find it much easier and not as much of an effort if its people we care about, as you said its much easier to be genuinely happy for them. I would feel awful too, if some one close felt they could not tell us their happy news.

That's terribly sad about your friends brothers partner (?) very unfair of her and such a shame for your friend and his partner. I hope now their little one is strong and doing well. Hopefully they can mend the relationship, but i can understand if they don't want to as, struggling or not, at the end of the day its not the baby's fault , or the friend and his wife's for that matter. I Know i had a rant on my post but I could never dream of treating someone like that.

It is a tough one talking to close friends about ttc, the three I am close to I have already mentioned, one pregnant, one with a new baby and one childless. the friend without any children is not in a relationship and doesn't seem to get the full weight of situation (if that's the right expression?) although being in close contact. Obviously my pregnant friend I don't want to make feel bad although she is very interested to know. Friend with bubba I don't get to see often and want to spend time with her catching up not banging on about myself. lol

I do feel much better and clearer minded posting on here and appreciate all you lovely ladies listening to my woes. :)

Thanks again for your comment and baby dust to all
xxxx