To NOT want to keep hearing about the world and its wife being pregnant

[impatientlywaiting14]

Hi all

So am ttc#1, onto cycle 3 now (not long i know) but so impatient as I have waited a longgg time to get to this point due to varying circumstances including health. I have found out I have Endo and am so anxious for it to happen and worried it never will.

I Have 3 close friends ones currently pregnant, ones not long had a baby, the other childless. I don't really Feel like i cant talk to the first two as I will make them feel bad and like i begrudge their good fortune ( i really dont).

So i speak to childless friend more. She tells me today about 3 of her family members (2 i don't know from Adam) and one i do know finding out today their pregnant. This was over text I told her to pass on my Congrats and cried. She knows im struggling atm but dosen't understand why. But shouldn't that be enough, do i really need to know about members I have never met or heard of and ones i don't see (at least for now). Their not my family. If it was her then it would be different.

I Keep seeing it all over fb and hear through other people "guess what so and sos expecting". I feel like saying to people I don't want to hear it but I know that would be unreasonable and sound like i cant be happy for others.

I know there are others out there that have been ttc much longer than me and im Sorry if i have upset anyone or come across insensitive. I just needed to rant to people who understand instead of being told "oh i don"t see why your dissapointed it will happen soon, its not like you cant have kids" :(

xxx

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. With the warmer weather there are more 'bumps' on display and I've been amazed at all the pregnant women there seem to be around too.

Fingers crossed that 2014 brings you the news you are hoping for :)

It's terribly sad that it isn't happening quickly for you, but it is wrong to be angry at someone for being excited that they have conceived. No one should have to hide their joy at finding out such wonderful news.

Exactly that ^

What is boils down to is this: don't be a dick (not calling you a dick, just an expression). One day, all being well, it will be you announcing your pregnancy, you sporting a huge bump, and you pushing around a pram containing a newborn. What sort of reactions would you want from people?

Yes, it's hard. And yes, it's fine to be a bit upset in private. But avoiding close friends who are pregnant or have new babies and being angry at another close friend for passing on baby news isn't the answer, it just isolates you further when you're already feeling isolated. No one got pregnant just to spite you and they have every right to be happy without adding a disclaimer to the end of every sentence.

Sorry OP but I think YABU. Be privately upset, because it does break your heart a little each time when you're having problems TTC and other people are pregnant, but public ally there are times you just have to suck it up especially when it comes to close friends and/or family.

In the nicest possible way yabu, not because you have the feelings but because by posting on here you are looking to indulge and get validation for those feeling rather than working on getting some perspective.

TTC is a really anxious time and you have to work on keeping yourself emotionally healthy otherwise it can impact on friendships and your relationships. You are already distancing yourself from friends. If you talked to them you'd probably feel better as they more than likely understand the feeling that you have.

Please don't become that person who everyone is walking on eggshells around. Work on getting a more positive perspective or you are likely to find it increasingly difficult to cope.

I think yabu. Your feelings may be normal but they are unreasonable and quite selfish.
I presume you want people to be happy if/when you do get pregnant? I know fertility issues are shit and trying to conceive can be hard but many of the people getting pregnant may have been trying far longer than you. Be happy for them.

3 months isn't having problems conceiving. It's nothing.

I think your feelings stem from your endo diagnosis more than anything. The best thing you can do if that's causing you anxiety is arm yourself with the facts. Ignorance breeds fear and knowledge is power and all that.

Conception isn't a form of magic. It's complicated and quite frankly, knowing what I know now, it's amazing that any of us are here at all.

I also feel the way you do sometimes but that's after 7 years ttc and 5 fresh cycles of ivf with icsi. I know it's not a competition but I do feel you need to get some perspective.

I wish you the best of luck.

In the nicest possible way I think you need to get a grip, not least of all because it can take a bit of time to TTC even with no problems and you will stress yourself out beyond belief with this approach.

Read some of the stories on the boards here, they may help you gain some perspective.

YABU, sorry. It's tough alright, but others being pregnant is both a fact life and not something that in any way affects your chances. It's understandable to be bothered by it, but to expect the world to just figure you all out by magic and put the brakes on for others is not on.

YANBU. It took us 1.5 years to get pregnant but that was because we discovered we needed IUI. There are other factors too meaning TTC for us is very medicalised.

In that 1.5 years literally all my closest friends and family members became pregnant. It was very very hard. I have never been an envious person by nature but I was shocked at how eaten up I felt.

You will get there - you are early days. Remind yourself that being pregnant is normal and an everyday occurrence. You need to normalise each pregnany announcement. Keep yourself busy on other things. (I got a dog!) and being able to feel genuine happiness for my friends made me feel good. I overcame those demons but Christ it was hard.

There are positives - I honestly feel I am a better, more grateful mum than I would otherwise have been.

Unless you have been there you won't understand. For anyone who says YABU, I doubt you have experienced The gut wrenching experience of infertility.

When I became the lucky one I was super sensitive around those less lucky and to this day we hardly talk about my kids. I am ok with that - I have been there.

Hang in there xx

I felt the same as you. I lost my 2 best friends over it as when they got pg and I didn't I felt like they were constantly rubbing my nose in it. I felt that they just didn't understand.

I don't like fb announcements either. And I had a situation recently where I had an mc at the same time that 3 other girls in my family were pg and I just couldn't pretend to be interested in the slightest in their pregnancies.

Having said all this I like you don't begrudge anyone any happiness and I'm feeling more positive but I've been thinking about things, what if you do get pg soon, you would expect the same from them wouldn't you? At least with an fb announcement you can choose to be interested or not you just delete if it bothers you. So what I'm now worried about is that if I was to make an announcement it makes me a hypocrite and because of my previous form nobody is that bothered by it anyway as I showed no interest in their pregnancies. Just a thought op, wish you all the luck in the world.

oohdaddypig I think the point that those saying yabu are making is that the OP is not currently experiencing infertility. She is experiencing the anxiety that a lot of people experience when ttc. I think a lot if people on here can understand this feeling. If everyone dealt with it in the same way as the OP no one would ever be happy for anyone else.

I've just found out I am pregnant and I know that there are some people in my life who are struggling with infertility and I will be sensitive about this. However because of the vast majority of the people I spend time with are women of childbearing age I'm sure some of them will have been ttc for 3months plus, I would hope they can manage to be happy for me.

I have to agree with the YABU side, I'm afraid. Three months ttc is nothing, and kinda fun in the big scheme of things. Half the fun is anticipation. It's when it comes to 9 or so months that it becomes a bit wearing.

Also, you don't know the background of your friend's pregnancy announcements. I agree with the poster above, she was probably trying to talk about pregnancy with you by sharing the announcements.

I have 4 dcs born quite close together (within 5yrs and 2 months). I probably look like the very model of fertility, perhaps you'd have not shared the joy of my pregnancy announcements, however, they are fraught with pain. It took me 18 months to get pregnant. I didn't realise we had a problem, however after 12 months we toddled along to the gp to discover a medical reason why we weren't getting pregnant. Problem sorted with an operation and it took us another agonising 6 months to get pregnant.those 6 months were hard. But we got pregnant. Absolutely delighted! Passed 12 weeks without miscarriage, v. Sick but got to 20 weeks, all well. I went into early labour and at 25 weeks my beautiful daughter died during birth.

I was amazingly pregnant again in 9 weeks and after many anxious and highly medicalised pregnancies, we finished our family.

I'm just trying to give you a little perspective. I'd understand your post after 12 months ttc, but after three, just try to relax and enjoy ttc. After 18 months, I was about to be referred to fertility counselling, I quit my job and was out of my mind. Just before I fell pregnant with my first daughter. If I'd been like this at 3 months, I'd have not coped with 18 months of ttc. As it is, I barely coped with the stillbirth of my beautiful daughter who I'd waited so long for...

I appreciate you feel how you feel OP but YABU. When oohdaddypig says that other posters haven't experienced infertility, I'd say that the person who hasn't is OP. 3 months is no time at all.

It took me about 2.5 years to conceive. In that time, the world and his wife were pregnant. Rationally this is because a) I'm that sort of age where friends are thinking about babies, or even having accidental ones
b) you notice strangers more.

You have to remind yourself that other people having babies has absolutely no bearing on whether you have one. You need to find a way to cope with these feelings but you might be in TTC limbo for a lot longer.

I think you've had good advice above, particularly from Jomato.

Sorry but YABU. 3 months ttc is nothing. It took us 9 years, 2 miscarriages, multiple cycles of Ivf (all funded privately) and all sorts of wietd and not wonderful NK treatments to finally have DS.

During that time everyone had babies and my SIL delighted in telling me of random people expecting (saving one for my wedding anniversary). Ypu just have to grin and put a brave face on it.

Meerkat, sorry for your miscarriages. Have you been referred? After 3 you should get a referral. Ideally to St. Mary's if close to London. I'd look into Chicago testing sson (but you probably already know that).

Oh and Rosalie sorry but if I were your friend who had the m/c I'd have been gutted to have seen your fb picture. You could have warned her to hide your feed at least.

Oriunda I disagree, I really don't think that five months later, Rosalie should have to hide a photo of her holding her own niece.

Rosalie's post really struck a cord with me OP, like she said, don't become 'that' woman. My SIL was. She is now pregnant with her third child. Nice for her, but I will never forgive her for the way she behaved when DP and I announced I was pregnant with DC1. Or how we have walked on egg shells and were totally ignored for four years. Its really damaged DP's relationship with her.

Good luck OP.

An average couple takes 4 cycles to get pregnant, if youhad become pregnant on cycle 1,2 or 3 you would be luckier than average.

My 3 best friends got pregnant in the same month when I had been ttc for over a year. It was hard but I was still excited with them and bought gifts for their babies. I got my bfp with ds the month their babies were born.

Some people just have a longer wait than others. There are positive things about ttc longer than average, pregnancy symptoms seem irrelevant compared to the worry that you'll never become a parent.

I'm on cycle #20 of ttc. Literally every bugger I know has had a baby during that time (some have had two!).
But you have to be rational and live your life - whilst having a monthly sob in private.

After reading all your comments I can see I have not made my post entirely clear and in the context of the post it would be fair to assume that I am distancing myself from my pregnant friend and friend who's recently had a baby. I didn't mean I don't feel i can talk to, as in not at all, I Just meant when it comes to ttc.

My friend who's had a baby, I don't speak to about trying to conceive as IV hardly seen her as shes always (understandably) busy with baby and does not have a working number at the moment and I feel its something quite sensitive and not something i can really convey correctly over Facebook. She also suffered a miscarriage a while ago, so i don't want her to feel any of my feelings are aimed at her. I am meeting up with her today and was thinking about talking about how im finding it all, face to face, but after some of the responses regarding not allowing it to affect me negatively I am having second thoughts now. ( About the ttc conversation, not about meeting up).

My pregnant friend knows what I have been through with my health issues and battle to get diagnosed with Endo. She called me in hospital after i had just had my second op, to tell me shes pregnant as she didn't feel she had anyone else she could tell. As hard as i have found it i have showed nothing but happiness for her. She has had another friend react negatively and actually tell her she doesn't want her to be pregnant(!) so i feel i have to word things very carefully.

My friend is also worried about miscarriage so the last thing I want is her to feel guilty. She already feels bad for me that its not happened yet. She does talk to me about trying to conceive but as others all say its only a short time any worries i might express are brushed off with "oh it will happen" or "you will be fine". She is getting quite bored being pregnant on her own and has said this a few times now, so I feel she wants me to fall soon so we can share being pregnant, which is adding more pressure.

My friend without children is generally more available to talk (as she is not busy with her baby or her other children). I feel its easier to talk to her as she is more neutral in a sense and I don't need to worry about saying something to upset her or make her feel i am aiming my feelings at her. My friend is vary aware of my worries and when being advised by another friend to wait and save before ttc, she strongly advised against saving and not to put it off any longer as I might miss my chance. Now she doesn't seem to understand when I talk about it and seems very flippant about it almost, and im finding it hard to find someone to talk to openly without having to sensor what I say.

For those of you that said you can understand how i feel Thank-you i Appreciate that. Especially those that have struggled themselves and have every right to feel if i had been where they have i would understand real stress. I expected a lot more YABU comments and feel relived that im allowed to have feelings without being unreasonable.

For those that said Im unreasonable, yes I can see how my post comes across very "all about me" and self indulgent and it is, as of course I don't feel i can voice feeling this way with other people that announce it. Its not the immediate announcements as I would not want people close to me to know how im feeling and take any of their joy away and make an effort to show publicly nothing but happiness. It's the announcements of people not close, as its exhausting battling my worries while putting energy into being outwardly happy for everyone close, without people i don't know personally added to the mix.

Its right that i do need to keep a healthy mind and i do worry bout if i feel like this now how would it affect me later. I feel most of the frustration is not in fact at other peoples announcements, but the fact i cannot vent my worries healthy as i am just told by everyone (well meaning) to "think positive/relax/stop thinking about it/it will happen soon. Any worries about the future are brushed off as its viewed i have only been ttc 3 months.

I have both posted on the boards and read other people's story's on here about people ttc for months and years, which is why i do not again voice my worries, as i know there are people out there really suffering and in comparison i have no right to complain.

I'm not looking a this based on 3 months ttc. i'm looking at it from the fact of a long journey to get here and a worries that will not go away that its going to take a long time to happen and may never happen. As a side note the Endo impacts my life, the main things is it making me feel frequently tired and interferes with me and my o.H sex life. Also O.H is under stress at work and does not have much energy at the moment so dtd is proving (even more)difficult.

Thanks again for the comments

xx

So much i could say - typing with one hand, so keeping it brief :)

I think struggling with/anxiety about ttc is a lonely road

There rarely is right person at the right time to talk to about it OP. Sometimes its easy to swallow your feelings and easily put a brave face/stiff upper/fixed smile on, other times its too big an ask and you have to protect yourself and retreat from life for a day. Been there.

I found the MN boards for ttc/fertility very helpful and supportive, when you need a moan/cry/laugh/general chat about ttc feelings. And its there 24/7 :)

The other thing to bear in mind though is you don't know if the endo will affect your fertility. It might not. A friend of mine has stage 4 and had 2 accidental pregnancies that are now 5 and 3. She since had to have an ovary removed due to the endo and may have to have a hysterectomy soon but it still didn't affect her ability to get pg.

It can take a normal healthy couple 18months to conceive. So you have time anyway.

Don't have that conversation with your pg friend. You will ruin the friendship. If you value the friendship, this is your issue so keep it to yourself.

Those who asked about me, I have a complicated past lol. I was seeing a fertility clinic and 2 years ago my PCT pulled funding as the wanted to keep the service within county (the clinic was in another county but the trust serves our county - go figure). So I had just started my nursing training then (had been put on hold as I thought I would do it after I had kids haha) and also just found out I had a autoimmune problem. So that explained the miscarriages as one of the type of antibodies I have attack the nucleus of my cells.

So last appt with my fertility doc, he said I'm highly treatable and just need steroids. Funnily enough the first line treatment for most autoimmune diseases is steroids.

This is my battle for referrals lol. I am trying to get a diagnosis for my autoimmune disease. I am struggling with it. I am ill and am very symptomatic. They are fobbing me off. No point ttc until that is sorted really. So been on the pill. I am in the last year if my training (qualify in sept). I've just turned 37. It was a tactical move. My gp said due to history and age I only need to ttc for 6 months this time round to get referred. But then the endo popped up in between lol. And I found out I have a huge family history which I didn't realise before (all my cousins have it and had problems conceiving and miscarriages too).

If I had let other peoples pregnancies get to me I'd be twitching in some corner somewhere lol. No honestly, I am 'lucky' I guess that it doesn't affect me too much. Yes I do get upset when someone close to me gets pregnant. I argue the whole 'who is that fair, we could afford it more, they already have x amount of kids!' But that's a normal reaction.

Oh and golden rule number one - don't tell anyone you are ttc. It's a recipe for disaster. Especially not your mum. I didn't tell mine until about 3 years ago. Figuring out that as she has been through all the fertility problems herself (I'm an only child born when she was 20) but no, bad idea. She's stopped the questions now. After she told my nan and the world and his wife lol.

Forgot to add to the don't tell anyone in real life, but this is where forum are your friend. And you can make real life friends from them too. I have great friends from another forum that I used to go on who have all had their babies now. Some 2 or more. Our infertility moderator has 3. There are a couple of us with none still but that's life.

Feel free to pm me if you like. I'm always here with a listening ear. Although might not take you for a fool (I did say ywbu after all )

its not unreasonable, but it will get better. just keep going and it will be worth it in the end. my friends got to the stage where they practically held an agm to nominate someone to tell me who was expecting and I'd usually get a text saying "I'm sorry, I'm pregnant". just focus on you, they don't and wont ever understand how it feels to be you. (on a positive note - it took me 6 FET but I did it and so can you)

Meerkat, I was diagnosed with immune issues and started off on steroids. Moved onto the hardcore stuff - Ivig and Lit - both of which are eyewateringly expensive and particularly for LIT, controversial and excruciatingly painful! That said, it worked. Most gps don't 'believe' in immune issues. A lot of NHS clinics won't fund the treatment. I went to Dr. Gorgy in Harley street, who really is the man you go to when all else fails.

Five, I didn't say Rosalie should hide the photo from her feed. She could however have given her friend the option of hiding Rosalie's feed. After 5 months I imagine she was still feeling very raw.

meerkat can I suggest that you reverse your process? So, if you actively ttc, you are forcing the issue for a referal. If you wait for the referal, it might not come.

Finish your course (of course!) then ttc. I've seen many instances where women have problems that health providers won't bother investigating til women are pregnant, then you're in the system, if that makes sense.

For me, they were promising me this and that investiagtion into my daughter's stillbirth. Some procedures I'd already had done as part of our fertility investigation. I just got pregnant, they had to come up with a care plan and they couldn't be wishy washy about it.

We had a 20% chance of losing our next daughter. The pregnancy was just hell. For the times that seeing pregnant women was hard when we were infertile, seeing pregnant women when I'd lost my daughter was just a torment the likes I could never endure again....

I stopped the pill last week imip. I want to be able to start the fertility referral as soon after qualification as I can. I can't do both together. In hindsight my pct did me a huge favour. My training has been a huge emotional rollercoaster as it was without throwing fertility treatment in there too.