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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be struggling with DS's sexuality, new friends and expectations of open-mindedness?

42 replies

Shannon81 · 13/04/2014 18:38

Within the past two weeks DS (15) has told me that his best friend (the lad he's been spending so much time with) was actually born female and technically, is still female but plans to change to male as soon as pos. Ok - I'm open minded, whatever. He also told me that every Sunday when he's been telling me he's been hanging out with mates, he's actually been to transgender meetings to support his friend. I'm fine with that. But, as a consequence, he's also made a whole new set of friends who are either transgender, gay, bi or "pan-sexual" whatever that means. Oh ... and he's decided to tell me he is bi-sexual and has a boyfriend - but this boyfriend started life as a girl and is now a 15 year old trans-sexual (pre-op??) male. ok ....

Now, he asked if his bestfriend (14 year old boy, technically female) could stay over Friday night. I said yes, we'll have a BBQ, we have a spare bedroom, 'his' parents are fine with it and DS has spent the past few weekends at 'his' house - that's fine.

Trouble is, next morning DS is parading around with a love-bite on his neck. Now baring in mind this lad is technically female - I start to panic. I have just tried to explain to DS that whilst his friend may be male psychologically, he still has female body parts and it is my responsibility to ensure that a 14 year old female does not become pregnant whilst under my care. He's upset with me, saying I'm close minded, they're both lads and I'm being homophobic!! That's the last thing I am but AIBU to think that this situation would test even the most open minded of people? I've told him to invite his boyfriend over, I had a feeling he was bi anyway, no big deal - but love bites from who is technically still female and only 14 years old????

OP posts:
JustOneYesterday · 13/04/2014 18:52

YANBU I think even a saint would struggle with that situation.

fuckoffbeaker · 13/04/2014 18:53

Its not about open mindedness its about a care of duty to keep under age kids safe

give him a thick ear and tell him if he wants to be treated as a grown up, start acting like one and respecting your rules

PurplePunkPrincess · 13/04/2014 18:54

He needs to know that's not acceptable, and legally she is a 14 year old girl. Until that changes or they are much older it is not acceptable.

My mum freaked when my friend, male looking, Fi was on my bed once. She didn't believe me when I said Fi was short for Fiona Confused

whatadrama · 13/04/2014 18:55

I would stick to addressing the boundaries you expect within your household which is totally irrelevant to what sex they both are.

Your Ds sounds smart and seems to be deliberately confusing both of the issues so that you back off and shut up. Nobody wants to be accused of being homophobic and he must know that.

I wouldnt accept boy/girl, boy/boy, girl/girl doing anything sexual in my house, especially under age, its my home, simples.

lunar1 · 13/04/2014 18:55

They would not be sharing a room, the friend could get pregnant. there is nothing homophobic about it.

CoffeeTea103 · 13/04/2014 18:55

Yanbu, he's far too young to be involved in this mess! Also to be walking around with love bites is very disrespectful. He needs to learn some respect and focus on being a 14 year old rather than going to all these meetings.

Lweji · 13/04/2014 19:00

Personally, I wouldn't allow sleep overs at that age, but you have to have in mind that if they are going to have penetrative sex, they can do it anywhere. Better give him condoms, tbh, than get all stressed out over a love bite (which can happen without full penetrative sex).

WitchWay · 13/04/2014 19:00

Blimey this sounds complicated - I agree about the risk of pregnancy.

I hadn't realised teenagers could go to transgender pre-op counselling - I'm actually amazed that is possible for under 18s. I know the age of consent is 16 (I'm assuming you're in the UK) but even so.

littleblackno · 13/04/2014 19:02

Thats alot to take on!
Regardless of their sexuality or gender they are both under age and you are not wrong to explain that to them and set the rules of your home. That does not make you homophobic, your son may need to be reminded that not every opinion/rule/law that he disagrees with is homophobic, sometimes its for his protection too.

RaRa1988 · 13/04/2014 19:07

Good grief. No, you're not being unreasonable at all - that sounds like a hell of a lot to get your head around let alone have to deal with in your own house! I second the pp who said that your son is using the accusation of homophobia as a 'tool' to help him get what he wants - no-one wants to be accused of bigotry. However, I'd reassure you that the last thing you sound like is homophobic - I think you're being extremely understanding and accommodating in a situation no doubt you have little previous experience of. I think you're right to be concerned about the risk of pg to your son's friend, and you need to sit him down and discuss this. If he genuinely thinks of his friend as 'male', perhaps he hasn't given it reasonable consideration.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 13/04/2014 19:07

If he's having sex he needs to use condoms. Doesn't matter whether the partner is male or female. He also needs to respect the boundaries you set in your home.

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/04/2014 19:09

Well for starters. How lovely your Ds is for supporting his friend!!! I'm not sure how many children his age would do that. He's a true friend.

And it's certainly good that he has made friends and has a support group and a boyfriend.

But yanbu about wanting to protect two underage children from taking things to far, breaking the law and ending up in a situation that could mess them both up. The gender or orientation is nothing to do with this, as you said it would apply to anybody age 14/15 in a relationship regardless of anything.

He sounds amazingly mature and open minded and that's a bloody good thing, however he is also a 15 yr old boy full of hormones and as likely as anyone else to get into a bit of a mess.

Pp is right, they will do whatever anywhere anyway with or without staying at your house. Definately time to make sure he is at least prepared with condoms etc.

I wish you luck Thanks

DustyDaisy · 13/04/2014 19:10

Have you read the book Golden Boy? Sorry, no advice, but think that you would find the book helpful

pebblyshit · 13/04/2014 19:14

I think he's playing you. It's also quite common to go through an 'only gay in the village' phase when you come out as a teenager. I'd be inclined to tell him to behave himself and stop pretending his sexuality allows him to ignore boundaries.

wtf is he doing getting hickies from his mate if he is in a relationship with someone else???

Have I got that wrong? (I'm a bit confused)

TiggyKBE · 13/04/2014 19:18

Do your best, and he has to accept it's hard for you. He also need to know that boundaries are boundaries and they would be the same for any type of child of yours.

mangomodellingclay · 13/04/2014 19:30

I'd be inclined to tell him to behave himself and stop pretending his sexuality allows him to ignore boundaries.

^
This. Underage sex is underage sex regardless.

pigsDOfly · 13/04/2014 19:44

Agree with pebbly. Sounds like this could be a phase, particularly as all the 'lads' he seems to be interest in in a sexual way are actually female; if I'm reading this right.

How does that make him bi. He fancies girls.

I too think he's playing you.

Original poster
Shannon81 · 13/04/2014 19:55

thanks guys. I've tried so hard to be open minded but he's pushing me, nice to know I have valid reason to worry. I've been speaking to my partner and I've both mentioned how convenient that the only 'lads' he's interested in tend to be technically female. Either way, is it a bit premature to talk about condoms etc?

OP posts:
softlysoftly · 13/04/2014 20:03

Yeah he's trying to confuse you, I think you need to simplify it:

  • None of you are old enough for me to accept any kind of sexual activity between any blend of sexes in my home or to allow the situation in other homes therefore sleepovers are banned for the foreseeable
  • If you are even considering sexual activity you need to use protection - cue long talk on STDs
  • By flaunting love bites from one party while telling me you are "dating" another you are acting in an immature and hurtful manner. That is cheating and its immoral

Absolutely nothing to do with their respective choice of future sexual organs at all!

WilsonFrickett · 13/04/2014 20:04

You need to sit down, think of the boundaries you want within your home wrt sexual activity, then communicate them clearly to your DS with no reference to gender, iyswim.

It absolutely sounds like he's playing the homophobic card to get what he wants. So don't let him. If you are uncomfortable with him having a sexual relationship, then tell him that and set down rules (eg, no sleepovers, doors being left open).

But no, it's not premature to be talking about condoms, which he needs to use no matter whom he's sleeping with. I know these two things seem mutually exclusive, but they're not. It's OK to say 'I'm not happy with you doing this but I can't really stop you so we also need to talk about protection. But equally, we have to talk about respect, boundaries, etc.'

WilsonFrickett · 13/04/2014 20:05

Or what softly said in a much more articulate xpost Blush

QuacksForDoughnuts · 13/04/2014 20:07

Pigs, they're not girls in any meaningful sense - they're boys who currently have female anatomy. Also, someone can be bi and still fancy one sex more often than the other, have more luck with one, etc - or indeed be in a monogamous relationship with a person who only has one gender and hence appear to be gay or straight according to what that person is.

Having said that, OP, YANBU to not let two teenagers in the sort of relationship where sex will be on the cards share a bedroom. I'd say that regardless of what bits and pieces either of them have, although a cisgendered boy would be less of an issue on the pregnancy front. (BTW, just occurred to me - maybe he's insulted at the assumption that they'd be making use of his boyfriend's 'lady'parts, if boyfriend is embarrassed to have these.) You may not be able to stop them doing the deed, but not endorsing it while they're under age is a start, especially as your son is the older of the two.

FloraFox · 13/04/2014 20:10

quacks they can get pregnant. That's pretty meaningful.

pigsDOfly · 13/04/2014 20:10

This has just reminded me Shannon how at the same age as your DS my daughters and their friends had a bit of a thing about kissing other girls and how everyone was apparently bi.

Well actually, turns out they're not. I think a lot of this is a combination of testing boundaries, finding out who they are, and often an effort to shock.

Definitely wouldn't let your DS and his mates share a room.

softlysoftly · 13/04/2014 20:19

Ha Wilson yes going to totally rock the teenage thing.

ignores fact 4 year old DD just threatened to leave home