To be struggling with DS's sexuality, new friends and expectations of open-mindedness?

[Shannon81]

Within the past two weeks DS (15) has told me that his best friend (the lad he's been spending so much time with) was actually born female and technically, is still female but plans to change to male as soon as pos. Ok - I'm open minded, whatever. He also told me that every Sunday when he's been telling me he's been hanging out with mates, he's actually been to transgender meetings to support his friend. I'm fine with that. But, as a consequence, he's also made a whole new set of friends who are either transgender, gay, bi or "pan-sexual" whatever that means. Oh ... and he's decided to tell me he is bi-sexual and has a boyfriend - but this boyfriend started life as a girl and is now a 15 year old trans-sexual (pre-op??) male. ok ....

Now, he asked if his bestfriend (14 year old boy, technically female) could stay over Friday night. I said yes, we'll have a BBQ, we have a spare bedroom, 'his' parents are fine with it and DS has spent the past few weekends at 'his' house - that's fine.

Trouble is, next morning DS is parading around with a love-bite on his neck. Now baring in mind this lad is technically female - I start to panic. I have just tried to explain to DS that whilst his friend may be male psychologically, he still has female body parts and it is my responsibility to ensure that a 14 year old female does not become pregnant whilst under my care. He's upset with me, saying I'm close minded, they're both lads and I'm being homophobic!! That's the last thing I am but AIBU to think that this situation would test even the most open minded of people? I've told him to invite his boyfriend over, I had a feeling he was bi anyway, no big deal - but love bites from who is technically still female and only 14 years old????

I wouldn't dismiss it as a phase. I just think he's having a laugh if he thinks he can convince you that is he identified as heterosexual and had a cis g/f and a cis female best friend then you would be turning a blind eye to his shenanigans. I think Quacks could be right about them avoiding vaginal sex though so his protestations that he can't get him pg could be genuine.

YANBU

I agree with pebbly, softly and wilson- he's using "homophobic" and "close-minded" to get you to back off, so he can do as he pleases. This is not on and he owes you an apology.

You have been open-minded and understanding so far (I'll admit, you are more understanding of the whole thing than I think I would be) and you are not attempting to ban him from dating anyone- you are drawing the line at underage sexual activity in your house. Which is both perfectly reasonable and a responsible course of action as you are his parent.

I'd point out to him that you are neither homophobic or closed-minded, but you do have a responsibilities as a parent and that him having underage sex is against the rules in your household (and would be regardless of his partners gender). And yes, I'd be having the STDs/protection chat too.

I'd also be having a long chat about how using people's fears of being called homophobic/racist etc to shit down dialogue and get your own way is very unpleasant- and in some ways no better than the people who are racist/sexist/homophobic etc. He needs to realise that this is not an acceptable way to behave.

sorry- shut down (not shit down)- oops!

Blonde moment: what's 'cis'?

cis is 'same side' . Cis-gendered means your sex is the same as your gender, so opposite of transgender

Now I'm really confused , sorry! Can you explain? Not a term I've encountered before...

Well put, Iamsoannoyed - think the OP needs to explain exactly this to her son.

He is far too young to get involved in any sort of sexual relationship. I would say the same thing and have done so about any young people under the age of 16 planning to have sex. It is illegal. Don't condone it. And this relationship has added complications which he is too young to deal with at the age of 14. So fine to have a friendship but nothing further at the present time would be my advice. No sharing of rooms.

RaRa A person who is physically male who identifies as male is cis

A person who is physically male who identifies as female is trans

I'm reluctant to use the word 'normal' but cis is what you would think of as 'normal'. It's the state of not having to think about it. It's a man in a man's body or a woman in a woman's body.

He's too young for sex, for starters. I've worked with teens and I know a lot will have sex but this is sex with consequences stretching far beyond the norm - he could, very easily, impregnate a ftm transexual.

Not to mention the fact that the actual act becomes a bit more complex as well. I hesitate to say it but depending on what they are doing, some practices that could be a part of their relationship will be very "mature" and really won't be suited for inexperienced teenagers at all. Could result in injury, higher risk of stis, etc. I'm sorry if that's TMI but it would worry me a lot. Some things need to be taken very slowly.

Honestly, I'd suggest that they both visit a friendly sexual health centre to discuss this with an HCP who has experience, and if not them I'd contact Terrence Higgins Trust or something similar. Where I am we have a THT centre that will do drop in discussions and the like, might be worth it for your son and his boyfriend.

Scarleteen are also very good - very, very friendly to everyone. They have some interesting forums - the moderators seem unshockable.

Sleepover wise, it's difficult. IME at 14/15 sleepovers became more about "crashing" and if they aren't for that, they are for sex or similar. Neither is generally a great idea. If it does carry on, I'd insist that the boyfriend sleeps on the sofa and your son sleeps in his room - assuming you trust them enough to stick to that. I don't think it's a good idea to let it carry on though.

It is very hard to understand all the different terms. I don't. My ex flatmate runs the uni gay soc, getting married to her girlfriend soon, and she doesn't understand it all. It's at times a whole other world.

The one thing I would say - if you do ban sex at home, thats not a guarantee they aren't up to stuff elsewhere. Drum the importance of condoms in to him, and dental dams if necessary - but I would really consider trying to persuade him to go see a sex clinic.

Must be very hard and you sound like a fab mum to be trying so hard to come to terms with it all.

WTF is a dental dam?

It's a bit of latex - like a square condom - that you place on the vulval area if you want to give her (or, erm, him in this case) oral sex. Stops the transmission of bodily fluids to a large extent.

Don't ask me if it works - never had the occasion to find out! - but they seem to be in common usage where I am, my uni have an advice office that's heavily advertised as stocking them (plus condoms, free sti kits and lube). Wiki does say they're not very commonly used so maybe it's something only really popular up here. I've heard the term a lot.. and have even come across instructions on how to make them from condoms.

It's probably a lot more common for sex between two women, as I imagine oral sex makes up a large part of that.

Probably 100 times easier - and more enjoyable? - to have sex in a reasonably steady relationship where both partners know they are clean of STIs but in practice that's never going to be the norm for everyone. Especially, it seems, in situations such as the one OP's described.

I'm really not talking from personal experience here, I worked with teens for a long time online, got asked to cover sexuality because I had experience with problem periods and the like. Very educational.

That and I met some wonderfully weird (in a good way) people through uni

Oh I'm so glad I'm an old married woman now tis all far too complicated.

I agree with a lot of the other posters here - it isn't about either his sexuality or the gender identity of his friend (and for the record I think it's lovely that he is supporting his friend), but about underage sex. Whoever he is dating, he shouldn't be having sex with them until they have both reached the age of consent. (For all kinds of reasons, and not just the legal ones.)

Also, trans men (though 14 is by no means a man) can still get pregnant. You can always link him to the couple of very public cases where it has happened if he doesn't believe you.

I wouldn't let them share a room on the basis of 'don't care whether they are male, female or a ford fiesta in a pair of jeans, my house: my rules'

He is using the homophobia cry to get his way which is unfair as you sound like you are trying to be very open minded about a difficult situation.

I think you do need the condom talk as regardless of whether boyfriend has female parts or not -
shenanigans can still lead to other things.

Mermaids?QYN? TYN? Are these the groups he is going to? Is he also part of the online community with them?

Don't let him play the gay card. He may be gay, bi or whatever, but he is underage. If he is going to be involved then he needs to be safe - no mature trans person or their cis partner would support ignoring their biological sexual health.

The 'overt' sexuality stuff tends to be a bit of a phase (not the overt bit not the orientation itself), and usually settles down once they are comfortable with their sexuality and a bit more mature.