To be hurt and angry by dh and sil

[scaredoflabour]

Right, I know I only have myself to blame... but.... looked at dh phone and found a message from sil (who is insanely skinny btw) continuing a discussion about my weight and discussing me getting back into shape!

My dd (third dc) is 3 months and I have put o weight over the last 5 years as I've had my dc. I was always a bit chubby, about a size 14 when I met dh and am now realistically a size 18

I know that I need to do something about my weight but feel so hurt that dh is discussing this with others. I also feel embarrassed and ashamed.

We are supposed to be having a family get together next weekend with sil + her bf and dh' cousin and her dh (who is also model like thin) and I just don't think I can face it. I want to hide.

My dd christening is also less than a month away and I'm now seriously considering cancelling it. I can't stand the thought of having to stand up in front of everyone knowing they're thinking how fat I've got.

What's funny here - is that most of the people who have answered along the lines of 'get thee to sliming world, you'll feel better and hubby is only trying to help' are significantly overweight themselves.

so, chances are your not going to match your superskinny SIL in a months time, but you can have a better outfit, nicer make-up and enjoy yourself just as much.

I don't know who is irritating me more, your DH and DSiL or the posters on here seeking to justify them, clearly believing that there is no greater sin than that of being overweight.

^^This! There's no justification for DH discussing your weight with his sister. Not one. Carrying some extra weight so soon after giving birth isn't comparable to someone having a drink or drugs problem, FFS!

If he's motivated by health concerns, he should discuss it with you. But actually, 3 months after you've given birth to your (& his) 3rd child, when you're BF, he should just be being supportive. What you said about his attitude to your maternity leave, & the house not being spotless, suggests that he's anything but.

I'd have to tell him I'd seen the message personally - I just would. I couldn't get over this otherwise, because it would feel like such a betrayal to me. I'd have to hope that he would be very, very contrite & be able to convince me that he did love & support me. If not, then I really don't know what I'd do. I certainly wouldn't be being very friendly to SIL.

So sorry this has happened, OP. I have an underactive thyroid too & know it can be tough keeping your weight under control. Your thyroid may well be all over the place after giving birth, too. Might be worth getting your levels checked in a little while. Don't let this shitty behaviour make you feel bad about yourself. Eat healthily, be kind to yourself & don't forget that you're on maternity leave to look after your baby, not to be a full-time cleaner.

I can honestly say that if I ever caught my husband doing this it would end my marriage. Maybe not directly but there is no way I would ever be able to get past it.

What a really shitty thing to do. I really feel for you OP.

Good god!

The man has talked to his SISTER about his WIFE.

OP herself has said she us unhappy with how her body is at the moment, babies and medical conditions and all.

Why is that a call to arms and demand to LTB? Why is his sister roundly condemned as a wicked bitch?

The whole conversation may have included his asking for a WOMANS perspective on the precise situation OP is in.

The paranoia and distrust of a DHs family on here can reach absolutely hysterical levels sometimes.

And I am not funny because I am fat, SimLondon! Really, I am not!

from what you wrote later, this isnt the only problem ( and I would be too if my husband texted his sister about my weight!)

I think you need to sit down and have a full talk to him, not only about this but about the fact you are picking up vibes that he's not been happy with you since the birth of your -first- child. It seems to me that he is highly unrealistic in his expectations but that's just my view, you need to speak to him to find out exactly what he does or doesnt think, and find out what state your relationship is -actually- in. Because it sounds like it's starting to go down a rather unhelpful path at the moment, and maybe it needs working on. But at the moment you're working off a long term impression of him being unhappy and this really inappropriate text

Lol Nomama - i don't think that i have said that you are 'funny' regardless of your weight.

The point is - the OP is not fat, she is only unhappy because she feels that others are judging her. So, stop it.

As meerka says, as we touched on in page 1. You need to have that sit down chat.

You may find all of this comes from him being worried rather than judgmental. Either way, you need to work it out, with him.

I know SimLondon...it just struck me, caught my funny bone on the way past.

Nomama

Quite.

The OP is a new mum with significant health problems. Is it really that unreasonable that a concerned husband might want advice from his sister about how best to approach it/help his wife? It's his sister, not some random stranger off the street!

I wish some of you would also realise that with those health problems, a quick trip to the gym and a couple of diet shakes are not the answer.

Give yourself a break. When your health is in better shape and when your priorities aren't the the new baby and kids then maybe if you want to tackle the weight issue do something.

If your DH would like you to concentrate on your weight right now if it's so important, then let him give you the time to do so and he will have to support you more with childcare responsibilities. It seems you are not happy with your weight either so when you're ready and on your own terms deal with it but , jesus it's not the worse sin in the world being fat-not medically great but far more solvable than being spieteful/mean/selfish etc

The OP's weight is irrelevant. People asking her to "look and see if you agree" are bullies because it just makes her feel worse. It's not about her weight, which she acknowledges is something that bothers her, it's that the person she loves, the person who's child she just gave birth to, is discussing something that embarrasses her with someone she feels intimidated by.

OP - I totally understand why you feel hurt. It's one thing to think, or imagine, or dread that someone feels badly about you, it's another to read it and feel like something has been going on behind your back. Like you're a laughing stock. You feel betrayed by your husband. You feel judged. You feel embarrassed.

You need to find a way to not feel embarrassed and instead feel angry. You realise it's not because you sit on your butt all day that you're overweight. You know, rationally, you just had a child. That you have health conditions that contribute to it. You have a different body type to SIL as well.

It is their weak character that judges you for your weight. Even if it were a health concern, it's not their business and if it was genuine, they'd have talked to you about it instead of in secret like that.

Continue your life and strive to be happy and healthy. Healthy doesn't always mean a size 6 either.

Oh, and I would be hurt too, whether it was a sister or stranger at so soon after birth, later i could maybe see it from an advice point of view and genuine concern but not yet.

Did you talk to your dh OP

Hope you are ok

Can't believe all the people in this thread who think size 18s need knee replacements! I guess this kind of delusion goes hand in hand with thinking there are fat people who don't know they're fat. She says she's a size 18, doesn't she? She didn't complain that they're cutting size 8s too narrow nowadays or something.

Your husband is a prick OP. Concern for your health? Yeah just like his sniping about how lazy you are with a 3 month old baby is concern. Not as perfect and hardworking as mummy, not as skinny and sexy as sister, sorry to say but he's a freak!