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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt and angry by dh and sil

65 replies

scaredoflabour · 12/04/2014 13:44

Right, I know I only have myself to blame... but.... looked at dh phone and found a message from sil (who is insanely skinny btw) continuing a discussion about my weight and discussing me getting back into shape!

My dd (third dc) is 3 months and I have put o weight over the last 5 years as I've had my dc. I was always a bit chubby, about a size 14 when I met dh and am now realistically a size 18

I know that I need to do something about my weight but feel so hurt that dh is discussing this with others. I also feel embarrassed and ashamed.

We are supposed to be having a family get together next weekend with sil + her bf and dh' cousin and her dh (who is also model like thin) and I just don't think I can face it. I want to hide.

My dd christening is also less than a month away and I'm now seriously considering cancelling it. I can't stand the thought of having to stand up in front of everyone knowing they're thinking how fat I've got.

OP posts:

delusionindex · 12/04/2014 16:03

I dare say that everybody has been subject of a private conversation between two other people which had they known about, they would have been upset. And probably have been party to a conversation discussing a third party that would have upset the third party had they known about it. If you are going to go round snooping on people you may hear things you don't like. What you've done is worse than what they have done.

Joysmum · 12/04/2014 16:06

I discuss my worries with my family too. My DH would never expect me not to as it's good to talk.

Difference is, if I talk about weight or anything else then it's only about weight, my DH would never think it's anything other than health. He certainly would not think I thought lesser of him because of his weight, nor him less of me because of mine.

Suggest you have a chat with your DH but to me the biggest issue you have atm is not your weight, it's your perception of what you think other people think if you.

MistressDeeCee · 12/04/2014 16:08

Your DH needs to learn the meaning of loyalty, and your SIL is a weirdo. I can't, in any form, imagine having a cosy gossipy convo with my DB about his wife's weight. & Im sure he'd tell me to shut up if I tried it. They're both sly and if it were me I wouldnt be thinking about cancelling the christening at all, Id make sure I look shit hot on the day. You aren't actually required to be skinny or slim to look glamorous. Then again if it were me Id have foghorned the both of them by now, I won't keep quiet about disrespect just so everyone can feel nice except me. No way. It takes all sorts I suppose...but why let them define who you are, based on something so superficial? Take no notice just get on with looking and feeling the best you can for your own feelgood factor - not other people's.

diddl · 12/04/2014 16:11

Most overweight people know that they are & want to do something about it.

Gossiping about it behind someone's back achieves nothing-it's just nasty.

ivykaty44 · 12/04/2014 16:14

text SIL and let her know that you feel like cancelling the baptism as you don't want to stand there knowing she and probably other relatives think you are fat.

lay it right back at her door then text again and say I would like some support with three dc not your style of sneaking behind my back cowardish behaviour

HermioneWeasley · 12/04/2014 16:15

Clearly it's just me that thinks it's weird her husband would "go ballistic" for looking at his phone. I couldn't care less if DW looked at my phone, but I've got nothing to hide.

To some extent it depends on what was being said - if your H was expressing concern about your health/nutrition/energy levels and weight was part of this, if his sister is otherwise loving and supportive and they are close this might just be OK. If it was just focusing on how you look then it's completely out of order, and in which case I think Nomama's script is about right - especially putting the emphasis on how is he going to make this right?

Nomama · 12/04/2014 16:21

Nope. I did ask, but didn't think it was any of my business.

As for his sister. So she is skinny but that doesn't make her a witch. She is someone he grew up with, trusts, loves. Would anyone rather he spoke to some woman at work?

OP has a problem, she is embarrassed and stuck with some knowledge she probably wishes she didn't have.

The only sensible thing to do is to grasp the nettle, excess weight, and do something about it. Ignore all else. You have been fat for a while, everyone can see you are fat. Fat is what it is.

Do something.

And before anyone has a snarl at me, I say that as fat woman in the middle of doing something about her own obesity. It is embarrassing to be fat, it is hard to change behaviours, but not impossible (just very nearly so).

roomwithabroom · 12/04/2014 16:24

I love this us newsreader if you haven't seen it. I love that she calls them out on what the writer might even believe himself is constructive criticism which is just pathetic and mean.

I HATE that people those of us who are overweight are idiots.

Don't you know the damage you are doing to yourself
You must be lazy
You must be stupid
We need to point out your faults because you are to stupid to see them yourself.

Three months after the birth of your child is not just ridiculous it is down right disrespectful to the fact you are a mother.

You don't have to tell them you have read the texts but tell him you want to cancel the family get together and christening because you feel uncomfortable that people are judging you because of your weight.

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2014 16:26

I can understand why you're upset but in what context were they discussing it?

I mean if he/they are worried about your health, as much as it must have been hard to read, it's kind of no different to him saying "I'm really worried about scaredoflabour, she's smoking/drinking heavily".

Also don't pay any mind to your SIL's weight as that's not an issue here.

OlympiaFox · 12/04/2014 16:26

Nasty people. Cut your sil out of your life and explain to her and anybody else who asks that it's because she's a two faced cunt who bitches about people behind their back. Don't bother going to any of your husbands family events, it'll only be an excuse for her to find something to criticise you on. What are her weak spots? Is she stupid? Wonky nose? Cheating husband? List them for her and tell her that she should focus on her own problems.

If divorce is possible for her husband, consider it, he doesn't respect you and has been extremely disloyal and nasty in how he spoke about you. If not, give him so much hell for it that he'd rather cut his balls off than gossip about you like that again.

Get in touch with your inner cunt, don't bother playing nice, victims are always nice, stand up for yourself and fight back.

froubylou · 12/04/2014 16:26

Right lovely. At a size 18 you know you are overweight and I bet you would love to have the time to prepare healthy meals, to go for a swim or join a slimming club.

You need to tell your dp this. You need to tell him your weight is making you miserable and you want to change it. You need him to agree with you. And tell you he will support you.

Then you need to find a club to join. I am nearly 4 weeks into slimming world and am loving it. I am also ebfing and take the baby to the meeting with me. Your dh can look after the other 2 or if he can't kids are welcome at my meeting.

With regards to your sil. Fuck her and her opinion. Bet she has her own insecurities. When you are a lovely healthy 12 she will be jealous of your curves. And be very open about dieting. Talk up your losses. Big yourself up constantly.

And if your dp doesn't book his ideas up ltb. You are nearly guaranteed to lose weight then without even trying!

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2014 16:35

If you're suffering from PCOS and an underactive thyroid you are not well.
You also have a new baby. Why the hell should you be worried about losing weight at this stage?

But - are you able to take medication whilst you're bf? What does your doctor say?

I hope all the posters recommending SW or more exercise have read the rest of your posts. You have a lot to contend with and whatever you do should be with medical advice.

But is there a tiny chance that they were talking about you out of genuine concern for your health?

delusionindex · 12/04/2014 16:41

But is there a tiny chance that they were talking about you out of genuine concern for your health?

Given the deliberate vagueness on what was said in the alleged discussion by OP, it seems highly probable that the discussion was not of a malicious nature. But it's much easier to tap into the collective outrage of MN when the subject of being overweight is mentioned by leaving people to fill in the blanks themselves.

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2014 16:42

Nasty people. Cut your sil out of your life and explain to her and anybody else who asks that it's because she's a two faced cunt who bitches about people behind their back.

Has the OP sent you a copy of the texts or something?

Nowhere on this thread has she said she's a nasty cunt, two faced or that she's been bitching behind her back.

What she has said is that her SIL and DH were continuing a discussion about my weight and discussing me getting back into shape

diddl · 12/04/2014 16:44

"With regards to your sil. Fuck her and her opinion."

And that doesn't apply to OPs husband why?

He should have told his sister to mind her own business & refuse to discuss it with her.

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2014 16:45

And yes absolutely what delusionindex said

Some people don't just fill in the blanks, they pile them up high with concrete for good measure.

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2014 16:46

diddl to be fair we don't know that her DH didn't raise the subject in the first place, as the OP says the SIL was continuing a discussion.

She hasn't said who started it.

diddl · 12/04/2014 16:53

True.

But really, if you are concerned about someone's weight, talking about it to someone else rarely achieves anything!

I mean if OP is sitting around all day stuffing herself with crap despite her husband trying to persuade her not, then he might need to ask someone how to approach it.

But if not & if he knows that OP wants to lose weight, then surely he needs to just be talking to OP about what he can be doing to help.

wowfudge · 12/04/2014 16:57

Poor you OP - I consider myself lucky my DP doesn't notice I've put weight on. It's not nice at all though to find out someone you expect to be supportive has been discussing your weight behind your back. I'm guessing your issue with your SIL is that she has never been in your position and is unable to empathise. Please don't let it get to you - you have more important things to think about at the moment.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/04/2014 17:02

3 months after having a baby and with pcos a d an under active thyroid = not the time to feel bad about not being thin.
I think it's worth separating the weight issue from the dh/ DSisil issue.

I'd be pissed off tbh. I dont think these conversations happen out of concern for a persons health. But in all honesty I think most people talk about their DPs being their back now and again. It's not a virtuous activity, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I would call him on it. Tell him off. So what if you saw his phone? Put him on the defensive as a pp suggested.

If he's criticising you for not keeping a perfect home while on mat leave he can utterly fuck off though.

gotthemoononastick · 12/04/2014 17:25

Do exactly what Nomama said,down to using her 'languages'.

How disloyal!!

YouStayClassySanDiego · 12/04/2014 19:34

A three month old baby with older siblings?, you're knackered.

The picture you paint of your H is less than sympathetic; he's concerned about your weight, the house isn't kept tidy enough, etc.

I'm a shite typer so someone may have said it by the time this processes; have it out with him and clear the air.

Why were you checking his phone incidentally, apologies if I've missed it?

SimLondon · 12/04/2014 19:35

Good grief, very few people are back in shape 3 months after giving birth to a 2nd/3rd child.

So -I'm thinking, hold your head up - go out and get your nails and hair done and a new outfit - fake tan to and feel/look fab.

If OH is moaning that your not pulling your weight because the place isn't tidy explain to him that the new weekly cleaner will be starting shortly and he will be paying £20 a week towards her wages.

MistressDeeCee · 12/04/2014 19:41

What does it matter who started the conversation? DH & SIL are both underhand and wrong. How ridiculous - when a husband has his wife's back in life she can feel able to chat to him whether deeply or in passing about wanting to lose weight...whether he talks about it deeply or casually or joins her in her weight loss plan or supports her goal - ALL is support! Thats what you do in a union with love and respect - you support your partner. You don't go running off to your sibling as if you're both still wet behind the ears DCs sitting round mummy and daddy's table. Its grown up time now. (1)You - talk - with - your - partner (2) you - support. The DH is disloyal, the SIL has overstepped the mark but there's still an issue around why she was allowed to do so anyway. Id like to see any of my siblings attempt to discuss my OHs weight with me - the answer , rightfully, would be fuck off & mind your own business, if there's a discussion to be had we'll have it between us and for all you know, we may already have. Thankfully it wouldn't happen tho.

MistressDeeCee · 12/04/2014 19:45

A baby only 3 months old, and already there's a discussion about the mother's weight? That says it all regarding the idiocy of people with skewered priorities and those who support that. Life isn't all about the superficiality of how you look, how you appear 'acceptable' to others. Particularly not when you're a new mum.

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