AIBU To NOT want to accept things from my MIL graciously?

[Polarn]

Okay, okay, I know! I should be grateful that I have a nice MIL! But.....

She doesn't half buy us lots when she visits! I always just accept them and say thank you, but then moan to my OH about it later! He has told her in the past to stop but she doesn't listen, which is why I've eneded up just accepting. But it's driving me nuts! She comes maybe once a couple of months and the things she brings:

Food stuff for our cupboards, which is lovely but it''s usually the brands we don't buy like different teabags/beans etc... (Sounds really petty but I like my homecomforts and the brand I use are part of this. Plus I then begrudge buying what I like as I know I have 12 tins of Morrison's own beans in the cupboard!..... She also buys us bio detergent but I only use non-bio and feel a bit petty asking her to buy the other stuff when she's just being generous!

She buys us ALOT of crap! As in chocolates/biscuits/sweets for kids/fizzy drinks in 12can packs/fruit shoots for kids etc.... We don't generally have stuff like this in our house. We'll buy the odd cake or pack of biscuits as a one off treat but we don't buy it all the time as then we won't be tempted!..... I don't want to throw away the stuff she buys so I end up giving it away to people. It's either that or I eat the lot! I'm sure I put on a stone the last time they were here!

The last one bugs me the most. I should just be happy that she is spoiling the kids like GPs do. But every visit involves presents for DCs to open (clothes & toys).... They don't need any of it and her taste in clothing is completely different to mine!.... It's turning my DC in to expectant spoilt brats when they arrive!

I have tried asking not to in the past but it falls on deaf ears, so I now begrudgingly accept graciously!

Please tell my that IABU but also that I am not the only one out there that feels like this!

Not everyone has the exemplary all-round skills you have Birds. Heart in the right place? Not good enough, apparently. In fact, a presumption.

Yeah, patronise her with the generous/lonely connection. In fact, judge her and find her wanting, mainly because she's different to you. She clearly has different values.

I think this is your MIL way of showing her love and that she thinks of you all. She probably thinks she is helping you out financially/shopping/costing you for her food/washing while she stays.

YABVVVU. It might annoy you but she is being nice, give all the items to the local food bank- they will be very grateful. Get your DH to drop it off on his way to work.

Id swap my mil for yours any day!

If she's staying for two weeks; maybe she brings all that "treaty" sort of stuff because she likes it and you never have any in??

YANBU, either that or I'm unreasonable too.I'm in exactly the same situation. I've kinda learned to smile and accept and then food bank and recycle. It irritates me vastly as I'm the one who has to do all of this and not DH. Also I have to encourage DD to write her thankyous for a huge pile of tat!

Wouldn't have minded the Bailey's though! I never get anything like that .

For goodness sake. What happened to manners and gratitude?! There are some unbelievably spoilt posters

On this thread!

It depends so much on the person etc... boring I know!

It isn't necessarily spoilt or bad mannered and the OP hasn't been bad mannered to her MIL.

There are plenty of scenarios I could think of where a parent might be concerned about excessive gift giving without being "ungrateful"

For instance some people actually do feel embarrassed /uncomfortable about having things lavished on them when they can't reciprocate, or didn't have it growing up. It can make them feel like a charity case.

What if a parent has told the children they can't have a certain toy etc... until Christmas or a birthday (or just because they have too many toys) and PIL then turn up with said toy?

Not all people who do this are doing it out of the goodness of their heart. I'm sure the OP's MIL is, but some people attach strings to gifts, subtly or not subtly. There are certain people who you don't like to feel beholden to so it isn't always a case of being bad mannered.

I think, anyway :)

piano

Open mouthed at the ungratefulness on this thread. Especially the Baileys part! Get a grip...

Also particularly enjoyed the poster who lets her husband have a biscuit when his mother brings them, how very benevolent!

and baileys all round!!

These sort of threads make me glad I have daughters, so will hopefully avoid this sort of nonsense

She is lovely, we do get on well. I know she does it to be nice, but it is a pain to have all this unwanted crap in the house, esp as my DC knows she's brought it round and starts asking for somethings that they never even knew exsisted, like coke & skittles!.... I think its okay for me to want to have some control over my DCs diet with being draconian and controlling. They are allowed treat, of course, but they soon don't become anything special when the cupboards are full of them.

Thanks for the slagging off Springydaffs, ironically you mention in one of your comments what you do with unwanted gifts, I do the same thing. I am just questioning on here whether or not I should say something to MIL. If anyone else (friends/family) offer gifts then I accept gratefully, I am nice and not spoilt. I do the same with MIL atm, but it's getting out of hand the amount of times she is gift giving, the presents have no meaning anymore. My mum bought a couple of clothes for DCs the other month, I was very grateful as I knew that she had thought about the gifts and it was a big deal.... My DCs were also alot more gracious than if it was MIL. Her gift giving has lost all meaning.

I have learnt from this thread to accept the gifts graciously, not say anything to MIL, food bank what we don't need/want, and bring DCs up to know that although MIL brings gifts for no special reason it doesn't mean that they shoukd always expect.

WITHOUT being draconian and controlling.

Fwiw.... Maybe I was being petty about the baileys, but it still upset me, maybe unnecessarily,.

You're welcome, any time

Who says her gifts mean nothing? It conveys something that you may be missing.

uh-oh I meant you may be missing the point, not a quality you may be missing.

Genuine mistake, honest

(So glad you're not going to take her to task and are planning to suck it up. Phew)

My mum bought a couple of clothes for DCs the other month, I was very grateful as I knew that she had thought about the gifts and it was a big deal

Here we go.....DM can do no wrong DMiL can do no right..it's a familiar concept round these parts. OF COURSE you're going to be more inclined to think your DM is right...in the normal run of things you have absorbed the values and methods with which you have been brought up

Don't want to be too harsh on you Polarn as I know you have accepted that it would be out of order to say anything to DMiL and good on you, but I have only just got my reregistration straight post Justinehackgate and wanted to get my tuppenceworth in.

And yes your are most definitely unnecessarily upset about the Baileys. Jayziz!!!!!!

I don't think they mean anything as there is no thougt put in to it. If she sees it and likes it she'll buy it regardless of whether it's age appropriate, or suitable for our tiny house. She once bought ds a swing.... we have no garden, the only space big enough for it was our living room! It took up the whole flippin room!

I was thinking that as I wrote it weneed but I still thinkththat MIL is exsessive in her gift buying.

YABU - massively so.

Charity shops and food banks - your MIL sounds nice!

Mine is satans BITCH from HELL!

YABU

IABU..... In the grand scheme of things. I realise that now. She is nicely

Well you did say you wanted to be told that.

I'm glad you realise that it's best not to say anything. You should check out the wedding from hell thread if you want an example of a truly awful MIL.

Laughing myself silly here at cigarettes!!Stories pleeeeze..dying to hear.I am a Mil myself and want to learn about the minefield of rules!