AIBU To NOT want to accept things from my MIL graciously?

[Polarn]

Okay, okay, I know! I should be grateful that I have a nice MIL! But.....

She doesn't half buy us lots when she visits! I always just accept them and say thank you, but then moan to my OH about it later! He has told her in the past to stop but she doesn't listen, which is why I've eneded up just accepting. But it's driving me nuts! She comes maybe once a couple of months and the things she brings:

Food stuff for our cupboards, which is lovely but it''s usually the brands we don't buy like different teabags/beans etc... (Sounds really petty but I like my homecomforts and the brand I use are part of this. Plus I then begrudge buying what I like as I know I have 12 tins of Morrison's own beans in the cupboard!..... She also buys us bio detergent but I only use non-bio and feel a bit petty asking her to buy the other stuff when she's just being generous!

She buys us ALOT of crap! As in chocolates/biscuits/sweets for kids/fizzy drinks in 12can packs/fruit shoots for kids etc.... We don't generally have stuff like this in our house. We'll buy the odd cake or pack of biscuits as a one off treat but we don't buy it all the time as then we won't be tempted!..... I don't want to throw away the stuff she buys so I end up giving it away to people. It's either that or I eat the lot! I'm sure I put on a stone the last time they were here!

The last one bugs me the most. I should just be happy that she is spoiling the kids like GPs do. But every visit involves presents for DCs to open (clothes & toys).... They don't need any of it and her taste in clothing is completely different to mine!.... It's turning my DC in to expectant spoilt brats when they arrive!

I have tried asking not to in the past but it falls on deaf ears, so I now begrudgingly accept graciously!

Please tell my that IABU but also that I am not the only one out there that feels like this!

Foodbank or donate to local shelter or womens refuge but never throw food away as suggested upthread.

Kids learn most from their parents and all indications are that you'll have some spoilt brats on your hands at a later date. Drowning in self-will, controlling to the nth degree their 'home comforts', eagle-eyed about 'allowing', they will remember a glimmer of someone with a warm and generous heart who clearly loved them to the point of ignoring their parents' draconian, controlling edicts. In which case, there may be some hope for them, poor kids.

YANBU IMO, but unless the food was really unhealthy I'd let your dc eat it. It would annoy me most that she called hers 'fresh food' while we all know she's implying yours is not! If your dc is old enough to know what she is talking about I'd somehow ask her to stop referring to her food as 'fresh'. I have no idea how you can do that nicely.

As far as her having people come in, I would be Hating that. I'd ask that to stop immediately. If she didn't I'd definitely find a child minder.

Would she consider doing the shopping with you once they get there perhaps?

Wrong universe thread Library.

Who made you headmistress with your 'stop immediately' business?

You have mixed your threads, library. This isn't the one where she is looking after the child.

Thanks for replies. I grew up with very little money, my mum scrimped and saved for everything, our school uniforms were donated from a charity and we used food banks ourselves.

I have worked hard as an adult to earn a decent career and wage but still need to really think about the things I buy.

I guess I'm just not used to someone being flippent(sp?) with their money.

Then you're surprisingly picky about the food she buys. Eat the stuff fgs, it won't kill you.

This is such a depressing thread. The Baileys non-issue especially. I dread being a MIL.

Me too WhoNicked. It seems you really can't win. Be interfering and nasty - you get flamed. Be lovely and thoughtful - you get flamed.

I think I'm going to go no contact when my dcs get married although I'll probably get flamed for that too!

OP - You really need to get over yourself with the Baileys thing. Just because it it expensive & 'special' to you doesn't mean it is to other people. Your MIL probably picked it up as part of her weekly shop without a second thought, apart from that thought that it would be nice for you to have a drink that you like when you visit her. It was a polite & thoughtful thing to do.

Your insides with money are your own to deal with. Your MIL is being nice to you & to her grandchildren but you are spoiling it and being very petty. I hope your children don't pick up on your attitude.

• issues, not insides!

baileys story is

its twelve quid on offer

big deal. hardly treat of the century. she probably just thought you like it, not that you save up a pound a month to buy one bottle for special occasions. if you dont want it, dont drink it, but poor mil

To turn this around a bit, when we visit my PIL I take along a few edible items. We stay for a few days when we go so it seems the polite thing to do. But I make sure I take items that I know MIL & FIL actually like & will use.

Why would I take huge packs of fizzy drinks that won't get drunk? Or washing liquid or tea, items that people often have strong personal preferences about? I don't see how it's thoughtful or generous to dump items on people that they don't want & leave them with the hassle of disposing of them.

I'm absolutely sure that my MIL wouldn't feign gratitude if I did what OP's MIL is doing, & if it were the other way round I would have to tell her politely that we don't use those items. We just don't have the storage space to stash cans of fizzy drink that nobody likes.

Of course it doesn't apply to everything. If it's the odd item that's unhealthy / unsuitable you'd just smile & say thank you & pass it on. But this sounds like quite an extreme case.

And if I read the OP's posts correctly, her PIL are staying nearby in their caravan for around 12 weeks every year - quite a substantial chunk of time given that they want to be around OP's family for nearly all of it & won't go off & explore the area themselves. So this isn't an occasional irritation. The OP will be spending rather a lot of her time visiting local food banks if she & her DP/DH can't broach the issue with PIL.

I've said it before: we need some new fairytales that reflect the foul attitude of the younger woman who is in direct - and vicious - competition with the older woman. Things seem to have been turned on their head (not that there was necessarily any credence to the male view that older women are jealous of younger women's 'beauty').

this woman seems innocently kind, generous and thoughtful. You are so lucky OP. Stop griping and stop being foul, nit-picking about the tiniest thing. It really is monstrous. If you have a gripe about something else to do with MIL then be honest with yourself instead of haughtily chopping her to bits.

My MIL comes to stay regularly and never brings or spends anything, ever.

I think I would prefer your MIL :)

Treat yourself to a thimbleful of Baileys tonight and try and unclench a little.

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Where are the "draconian, controlling edicts" that you attribute to the OP, springydaffs? I'm not seeing that kind of tone at all.

If you mean things like not wanting your kids to have nutritionally worthless, teeth-rotting fizzy drinks - well, that's just being a responsible parent, isn't it?

And the OP doesn't want certain washing liquids & teas because she doesn't use those brands. Like everyone else she has preferences & finds certain items work best for her family. That's not about controlling her children - her children don't use those things directly! - it's about trying to avoid waste.

OP has said repeatedly that her PIL are lovely & that she's never said anything to them that would imply ingratitude. So I've no idea why you're launching such a character assassination.

Accusing her of being in "vicious competition" with her MIL, being "foul" & "monstrous", & then patronisingly calling her children "poor kids" - completely OTT & very unpleasant. She just doesn't want her cupboards full of cans of beans she doesn't use - she's not refusing her PIL access to their GC, FFS!

So giving someone presents is to dump items on people is it

LISTEN TO YOURSELVES HERE. This is a truly foul attitude.

I can't help thinking some people have had it too easy. tea is tea, washing up liquid is washing up liquid - so very kind and thoughtful when given as a present with a great deal of thought about what is actually and practically helpful for a young family.

My parents give me food that is not to my taste, but I motor through it and relish every bit of it with the knowledge that my parents care about me by giving me thoughtful stuff from the heart. It is immaterial that it is not the 'right' brand. Sometimes I give what I know I won't use/eat (allergies) to someone who will value it. Win/win.

Polarn I am so glad there are some people on here who understand your POV. I do as well. I really don't understand how some people think that being brought useless crap despite being asked not to, is OK.

Mind you I think you lost a lot of support with the Baileys.

The fact that she has driven your dh up the wall for years and that you have actually spoken to her about the situation tells a lot.

Yes food bank is a good idea but I would tell her that you are going to take it there , "as I have told you before mil, we don't eat this kind of food". It sounds like you have been assertive but sadly you need to be even more clear. It is great that your dh and you agree.

It sounds also like you do like her in some ways so I would hope you could manage to convey your message without upsetting her too much. Trouble is you are going to have to be as subtle as a brick.

it's about trying to avoid waste

bollocks it is.

Trouble is you are going to have to be as subtle as a brick

Please don't. You'll crucify her. Just take it graciously in the spirit it is meant - kindly, generous, helpful.

So the consensus on MN is,
We can't celebrate Birthdays, expect others to be happy it's our Birthday.

We can't celebrate our children/babies or expect anyone else to do likewise.

We can't share our holidays/good fortune etc publically.

We shouldn't be grateful that we are invited to the celebrations of others (especially evening Wedding do's), enough to just be happy to attend with a smile on our face, dressed appropriatly, with what the person wants as a gift, even if it is money.

And now, We can't even enjoy a cup to tea, or beans on toast, we have to have a cup of hot pale water and reddish chewy foodstuff.

I think that a good few MNers would of walked round in sack cloth whipping themselves in centuries gone by.

Meanwhile in families that work (I'm one of the older women, with disposable income).

I give presents of food that is wanted and a real treat, because I listen and take note.

I am planning on paying for items for child's bedroom and garden that I know is needed and is good for the child.

But then we all do that rare thing, speak to each other and listen, whilst caring about each other.

Polar, please think very carefully about what you are going to say to your mil, if you do in fact decide to go down that route. Please think about this from you mil's perspective - or at least try to before you chat with her. Think about what function all her buying serves? What does it do for her? What does it ensure - for example, positive attention, love, affection, being included? What/who would she be without this function?

Also, the baileys - it sounds so much to me like she was trying to connect with you. It sounds like, in a roundabout way, she invited you for a drink. Perhaps, deep down she is lonely.

Please try and see things from her point of view, this might help you understand better what is going on and why you feel the way you do and why she does what she does. Then chat with her, if you need to - you may find that you don't need to x