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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ex picked kids up from nursery without telling me.

27 replies

AndThatsWhatIThinkOfYou · 10/04/2014 22:38

so I poco kids up everyday they go to nursery because I drive and he doesn't and has form for getting taxis without car seats (toddler and baby) . set of to pick them up today to find he has picked them up, messaged him and he wouldn't bring them back, we have set days that he sees them.

safe to say I am fuming about this but I know they are safe and he is just doing it to wind me up.

how do I stand on telling nursery I will be picking them up unless I say otherwise? obviously he is there Dad but we have set days and now I won't see them until the weekend and unbeknownst to me he had already booked day of work tommorow (found out on facebook!) and will not be sending them to nursery even tho I have to pay (another way to piss me of)

where do I stand with all this? any advice greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
AndThatsWhatIThinkOfYou · 10/04/2014 22:39

appolagise for spelling I am very tired and sick of all the shit

OP posts:
Sirzy · 10/04/2014 22:40

Does he have parental responsibility? Is there any sort of custody arrangement in place?

I would be fuming to, tbh I would have been tempted to go and pick them up from him straight away.

wheresthelight · 10/04/2014 22:41

If he has parental responsibility then unfortunately there is nothing you can say to nursery as they have to release them to him. You need to see a solicitor and get an emergency court order to prevent him doing it.

My friend had similar issues with her kids and their dad last year.

Hope you are ok

PenguinBear · 10/04/2014 22:42

YANBU and he shouldn't have done it! I would ask nursery to send him the bill for tomorrow as it's him that's removing them for the day!

It's tricky. We have this issue at school with parents in similar situations. If he has parental rights(and no court order saying he can't see them etc) then we are not allowed to stop him taking the children.
I don't know if nursery would have similar rules.

Goldmandra · 10/04/2014 22:46

If this is likely to happen again you need to get contact set out in a court order. You can show the court order to the nursery who are then allowed to refuse him access to them on your days. If there is no court order they have to had them over if he asks for them.

They are, however, permitted to ask him to wait while they contact you and I would request that they do this in future. He doesn't have to agree to do this but he may not wish to appear to be unreasonable.

Original poster
AndThatsWhatIThinkOfYou · 10/04/2014 22:48

ah right that's what I thought to be honest, I am so mad turning up and them saying oh there Dad picked them up.

so I suppose theres no point going in and telling them the situation?

I would hardly call it kidnap but he has taken them without my knowledge not on his set day, if he ever does see them after nursery I always pick them up and drop them of at his, it's a ball ache but I know they are both in car seats and safe.

OP posts:
deakymom · 10/04/2014 22:55

you can go in and tell them there is not much they can do to be honest although i think some places do refuse to turn them over to anyone unless they are the on on the list of who is paying and the forms you fill in at the start? iyswim basically my husband went to collect our son the one day before he collected me from a course i was doing (it was free creche for the course) they rang me to make sure it was okay for dad to take him he was a bit mad but found it funny later (mine was the only name on it because i was the only one on the course)

the least the nursery can do for you is ring you if it happens again

go to court get an order give them a copy and if he tries it again they dont have to hand your lo over

Original poster
AndThatsWhatIThinkOfYou · 10/04/2014 23:00

how do I go to court will it cost me i don't really have any spare money to do that if it does?

it's not even like I stop him from seeing them because I know my kids love him to bits so I give him every opportunity to see them, all this started because I don't want to get back with him, now he's trying to make my life a misery other stuff has happened, for example slandering me on Facebook sending nasty texts I'm a fat c*nt eg. No hes not nice at all I try to be civil as much as I can but I can't take much more.

feel like packing everything up and moving but I know that'll just hurt kids Sad

OP posts:
Discombobulatedbob · 10/04/2014 23:59

I think you could write to the nursery and tell them who picks up whom on specific day. Tell them you will inform them if there are any changes to the pick up rota but please can they only release child to DH on X days.

Famzilla · 11/04/2014 00:07

I think you need to change nurseries and refuse to tell him where the new one is. I would also see a lawyer re: court orders, most offer free consultations. He cannot be trusted. I would hit the fucking roof if anyone took my kids without my permission, they would not still be there.

WilsonFrickett · 11/04/2014 00:12

I would repost on legal. You can also usually get a free initial consultation from a lawyer. My understanding is if he has PR then he can pick the kids up and nursery really nano stop him. So if he does have pr you need legal advice.

Goldmandra · 11/04/2014 09:19

please can they only release child to DH on X days.

They cannot withhold a child from an adult who has parental responsibility.

diddl · 11/04/2014 09:23

They can't withold, but maybe if they know what's going on they could at least inform you to save a wasted journey?

Sounds as if contact needs formalising though.

ProfessorSkullyMental · 11/04/2014 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slowcomputer · 11/04/2014 09:54

Surely they can withhold if you have genuine safety concerns re car seats. At my previous nursery I usually picked up - my husband coming to pick up was a very rare event and they wouldn't have released my daughter to him without checking with me first (and we were happily married!)

Tell nursery not to release the kids to you, explain why and let him sue you if he wants to

NB i am not a lawyer!

Goldmandra · 11/04/2014 10:00

Surely they can withhold if you have genuine safety concerns re car seats.

They can withhold a child if they have reason to believe that the children are at immediate risk of significant harm. They then have to be able to justify this decision to the appropriate authorities.

Carrying children in taxis without car seats is legal and therefore not an acceptable reason for a nursery to withhold a child from their parent.

Original poster
AndThatsWhatIThinkOfYou · 11/04/2014 13:40

spoke to the nursery they have said they can't stop him taking them but will ring me if he comes.

they then rung me to tell me the kids were in nursery he had dropped them if and said he would be back later Angry Angry

OP posts:
ProfessorSkullyMental · 11/04/2014 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookingThroughTheFog · 11/04/2014 13:48

I was going to say the same thing.

MammaTJ · 11/04/2014 13:48

I agree, go and get them early, so he can't. Two can play at that game.

Ronmione · 11/04/2014 13:54

Go and get them quick!

Goldmandra · 11/04/2014 15:12

If you are picking them up please let him know. You don't want to get into some sort of tit for tat war. Don't allow yourself to be dragged down to his level.

Marylou62 · 11/04/2014 17:22

Oh Lovey, hope you ok. I would suggest not doing anything until you have calmed down.

I agree its a terrible thing for him to do. You say in your post that you know they are safe and that he probably did it to wind you up...I would say next time I saw him..'Thanx for the other day, it was so unexpected and I ended up going for drinks with work, had a lovely long soak in bath, early night etc (another scenario). When he realizes that he CANNOT wind you up he might think twice? I know this works because a friend did this in very similar circumstances. Good Luck.

Marylou62 · 11/04/2014 17:26

Sorry forgot the part where he realizes he actually made life a bit easier for you and you had some fun. (even tho you sat at home fuming). He wont like that at all! Again, Good Luck

DrCoconut · 11/04/2014 17:41

When DS2 is signed into nursery there is a column for who will be collecting. Only that person can collect regardless of who else may turn up. Including the other parent. If a change of plan is needed the parent who signed the child in has to contact the nursery to authorise it. We usually put mum/dad so that either of us can do it easily but if it only said one of us the other would not be able to pick him up. This is all made very clear at the start.

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