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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop at one?

47 replies

JessicaD21 · 10/04/2014 19:56

I have a beautiful 2 Year old daughter she is such a character and me and my husband not only adore her but feel (dare i say it) complete! I am mid twenties and hubby has just reached 30 we are very active we take her to many classes like dance, singing, drama, swimming ect and make lots of effort to do playdates ect. she wont have any cousins anytime soon as i have one brother who is 21 and loving the free life and my husbands brother is 35 has no desire to have children and lives in a foreign country teaching english. I know ppl always say to think of when your up in heaven in the future ect but she should be AT LEAST 40 by then and hopefully will have a partner and maybe even a family of her own. I do have health reasons to stop at one but dont want to bring that into it i dont want ppl feeling sorry for me i just want to the know that based on the above why do ppl feel its such a problem to put your everything into one beautiful child? Thanks ladies please be honest but kind i only want the best for my daughter and thats why im investigating all sides of this decision. xx

OP posts:
elahrairahforprimeminister · 10/04/2014 20:00

I only had one.

He's awesome.

No one has ever said anything negative about me just having one.

Do what's right for you.

:)

RoseberryTopping · 10/04/2014 20:07

If having 1 child suits you both then I can't see the problem. There's no rule book that says your family is complete when you have 2 children.

persimmon · 10/04/2014 20:07

We have 1, we started relatively late (36) and it never was quite the right time to have another. I was unsure at first but now (he's 7) I'm genuinely glad we've got one. I feel like we've been able to appreciate every stage of his development without being constantly distracted, also, the financial commitment what with uni and astronomical house prices etc means that we'll be able to help DS much more than we could otherwise.

I don't worry at all about when we're dead(!) - anything could happen before then. I love my 2 siblings but am not remotely close to them and see them maybe twice a year, if that.

Do what feels right for you.

FederationPresidentBarryFife · 10/04/2014 20:10

I have two - and nothing could have prepared me for the delight I feel in how much they love each other. It is a real joy: hard work with two and quite a seismic shift really from the contentment of one, but the dynamic between siblings can be a real gift.

Oneforthemummy · 10/04/2014 20:11

If it feels right for you, then it's right. I struggled with my decision to only have one for some time, mainly because of how other people have made me feel about not wanting a second (no-one has said anything really, but everyone asks about when you'll be having the next one, and it seems to be assumed that you will have another, so when you say you're sticking with one I think people don't quite know how to react/what to say). The only reasons I can think of for having another DC are not enough to outweigh how difficult and soul-destroying I found the whole newborn experience the first time. DD is happy, healthy, adored and will have all our support, love and attention. I may regret my decision when she is older, who knows, but as an older mum I don't have much time left and after years of infertility and finally having miracle DD on our first round of IVF I cannot see me feeling different anytime soon.
Have confidence in your instinct.

Pagwatch · 10/04/2014 20:13

Do what suits you and your family.

WilsonFrickett · 10/04/2014 20:16

I have one. We are happy.

everygalaxy · 10/04/2014 20:19

I'm an only child and it works well for me and my little family of three, well four now we have STBDH - I wouldn't change it for the world. My parents are mid 60s and in reasonable health but being an only child isn't changing my attitude to them ageing. Don't worry people tend not to miss what they never had.

dollywobbles · 10/04/2014 20:30

Just one for me, too.
I was amazed to be able to have one (took a while to conceive) and it surprises me that I feel no desire to have another. At all.
I have a sister, couldn't stand her when we were growing up. She'd be pretty low down my list of people to turn to for support - ever.
The thought of sharing DS, or him sharing me, feels very odd.
People do ask if I want another, sometimes I fib a bit and say 'I don't know if we can. It took so long to get DS'. I think people expect everyone wants more than one.
My honest answer would be 'NO!'

ImNotCrazy · 10/04/2014 20:51

I just have the one as well and can't imagine having another. My wonderful DS is 3 and we are so close. I'll be starting university soon and he will be starting school the year after and then I hope to start making a career for myself so having another child is not on my radar at all. I accept that in 10 years time I may change my mind as I'm only 22 now but I've getting lots of comments lately saying I'm selfish for not giving him a close in age sibling.
Anyway, it is not U to have one child at all if you feel your family is complete.

JerseySpud · 10/04/2014 21:07

I am an only child and its a very scary prospect of when my parents die that its just me left. Yes i have my husband and two kids of my own and all my husbands family but its an empty thought of 'I won't have anyone left from my family around me'

Whitewaters · 10/04/2014 21:12

Horses for courses. If you're happy with 1 and only want 2, just have 1. I'm an

Whitewaters · 10/04/2014 21:15

Oops... Horses for courses. If you're happy with 1 and only want 1, just have 1. I'm an only child and adamant I want at least 2. But my mum and dad were obviously happy with just 1 and I had a great childhood. I'm not worried about when my parents die, I'll still have my own family - husband, kids, grandkids (maybe). Do what's right for your family there's no law that says how many you should have.

rowna · 10/04/2014 21:28

One is fine. Do what's right for you.

itsbetterthanabox · 10/04/2014 21:30

Nothing wrong with being an only child. Some people have issue with it, I am not sure why.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/04/2014 21:32

Me and DH have a 3 week old baby - we fully intend to stop at one!

badidea · 10/04/2014 21:37

No point having another kid to suit other people - you have to want one.
I've never wanted an only child, so would always have had more if I was able - it's all down to you personally as in what you want.

If you're looking for reasons why people think having one is not ideal, they might just be thinking of the morbid phrase 'an heir and a spare'...

threepiecesuite · 10/04/2014 21:40

We have 1, starting school very soon. She is wonderful, was an easy baby and child, not a bit of bother from her. We agonized over whether to have a second. Decided to, and now 2 years later, still ttc. If we're only meant for 1 then so be it. Our lives are enriched enough.

LetTheRiverAnswer · 10/04/2014 21:44

I planned two, have three and look enviously at people with one. I may just be speaking from the perspective of being in the middle of small children fog though. I wouldn't send any of them back and there are lovely moments with them all together, but I do feel like I could do it all properly if there was just one. We do nice things,but I don't get to enjoy them in the same way as I would if I could just engage and focus with one of them. There's good and bad things about every type of family set up.

sarahquilt · 10/04/2014 21:48

Not everyone gets on with siblings anyway, which leaves them effectively as only children. I think it's all much of a muchness. I've a bro who I've seen once in 5 years, so I'm on my own anyway. If I'm honest, I'd rather have been an only child in the first place.

ItsAFuckingVase · 10/04/2014 21:53

If we're fortunate enough to conceive via IVF then we'll have just 1 child (unless twins obviously).

Because of DH's medical condition, he produces little sperm and is u unlikely to be well enough to go through the extraction procedure more than once.

I don't see it as a huge deal. I have siblings, but there's 8 years between each of us.

Dieu · 10/04/2014 22:20

I have 3 children but to be honest, I think my eldest (12) would have thrived as an only child. She loves her wee sisters but doesn't really have much time for younger children!
I myself wanted more than 1 because of the positive impact having siblings had one me when I was a kid. I remember my childhood with great fondness because of them ... and our dog!
Not sure how to put this without causing offence, as that's the last thing I'd want, but many only children I have known over the years have been a bit highly strung and precious. I think children with siblings may be a bit less sensitive, perhaps because parental attention is shared and each individual child cannot be the sole focus at any one time. Just my observation anyway.
I think it's good and healthy for a child to have sibling(s) but it is hard work, and I can respect others' decision to stop at 1 child.

HuntingforBunting · 10/04/2014 22:30

I think people overlook how absolutely awful it can be to be the younger sibling of a bullying and manipulative first child. Just saying.

dollywobbles · 10/04/2014 22:43

I wonder if there's ever been a discussion about only children that hasn't raised the 'they're precious and highly strung' cliche.
It's not offensive, it's a predictable generalisation.

Dieu · 10/04/2014 22:49

I don't know dollywobbles, as this is the first time I've entered a discussion on only children. I genuinely did not know that it was a cliche. It's something I have observed over the years, that's all. Just a different perspective from someone who has more than one child.