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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop at one?

47 replies

JessicaD21 · 10/04/2014 19:56

I have a beautiful 2 Year old daughter she is such a character and me and my husband not only adore her but feel (dare i say it) complete! I am mid twenties and hubby has just reached 30 we are very active we take her to many classes like dance, singing, drama, swimming ect and make lots of effort to do playdates ect. she wont have any cousins anytime soon as i have one brother who is 21 and loving the free life and my husbands brother is 35 has no desire to have children and lives in a foreign country teaching english. I know ppl always say to think of when your up in heaven in the future ect but she should be AT LEAST 40 by then and hopefully will have a partner and maybe even a family of her own. I do have health reasons to stop at one but dont want to bring that into it i dont want ppl feeling sorry for me i just want to the know that based on the above why do ppl feel its such a problem to put your everything into one beautiful child? Thanks ladies please be honest but kind i only want the best for my daughter and thats why im investigating all sides of this decision. xx

OP posts:

DIddled · 10/04/2014 22:53

I have one DS aged 15. I kind of never got round to another! He has had great relationships with his cousins who are like siblings.

He is sociable, well adjusted and not at all spoilt.

There's no right answer- whatever works for you.

But currently a lot of my work colleagues ( in their 20's and 30's ) are having babies, and I'm having a few little longings (age 43 so unlikely that ship will sail again) x

LindyHemming · 10/04/2014 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phoolani · 10/04/2014 22:58

I felt exactly the same. Until dd was nearly 3, then suddenly just wanted another. One is lovely and stick at one if it feels right. I must say, tho, all my fears about having another did kind of come true, but ds more than makes up for the downsides - for dd as much as for me. Do what feels right but don't fear the second!

dollywobbles · 10/04/2014 22:58

It's not that different a perspective though Dieu. It's a very common one.
I'm surprised you've not heard it before, it's really nothing new.

Dieu · 10/04/2014 23:03

I meant different perspective to the rest of the people on the thread, who until then had all been parents of 1.
Nah, I hadn't heard this before, but then I'm not the most observant person in the world and live mostly in a '3 children' bubble!

OnaPromise · 10/04/2014 23:04

Huntingforbunting my dh was treated brutally by older siblings and struggles with it. I love my dB but he has buggered off over the other side of the world leaving me to have to care for my frail df.

My only dd is not at all highly strung.

teacher123 · 11/04/2014 07:31

I think that if you feel like you only want one, someone who was desperate to have a big family and already has three children will not really understand that feeling.

I have one DS, he's nearly two. I adore him and he is the best toddler ever. I had a terribly traumatic labour and then PND and struggled to cope with the first year, and am still on ADs. I don't want another baby because I don't think my mental health will stand it. My mum has terrible anxiety, but had three children and would have loved more. It's such a personal thing. I love my sisters, but equally I have friends who are completely estranged from their siblings. There are no guarantees in this life.

MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain · 11/04/2014 07:56

I'm an only, and so is DS. Neither of us are highly strung or spoilt brats. I loved getting 'my' life back when DS was a little older, and have no urge to have another.

With regards to 'the inevitable' well, mum and I lost dad when I was 9, and I lost mum when i was in my 20s. No other family other than granddad who went when I was 19. Guess what?! I coped, and without all the bitching and arguing over granny's jewelry and how many funeral cars to book that friends with siblings seem to have I even did all the probate myself, as mum always said she'd done dad's and not to pay some rob dog solicitor ...

peggyundercrackers · 11/04/2014 07:57

we only have 1 DD and are thinking about another. i was an only child and i hated it, i wonder nearly every day what it would be like to have a brother ir sister that i could have shared things with and played with and its these thoughts which make me think i want another but we are very happy with the 1 we have.

neontetra · 11/04/2014 08:08

Like you, OP, I have a lovely two year old dd and am very happy to stick at one, as is dh. We really enjoy our time as a family of three - it is stress-free and fun, in a way it might not be if we had to split our attention between more dc, we feel (I don't mean this is true for those who do choose to have more dc, just for us personally).
Dh was an only child and loved it. He is not highly strung, or precious as such, but he is extremely confident, a quality I have noticed in many adults who are only children.

NotTodayJosephine · 11/04/2014 08:13

I have four and I think that there is nothing wrong with having one. there are pros and cons but I think you should do what you want to do.

If you choose you have one I would not be shy about telling people to bugger off (or whatever you swear word of choice is) if they think its acceptable to comment on it.

I think you have to put thought into parenting whatever number of kids you have.

monkeytennismum · 11/04/2014 08:20

As most people on here have said, you have to go with your gut feel regarding number of children. Parenting is hard enough without beating yourself up over this.

I have to say, my father has health issues and I'm really glad I can share the support with my siblings and would hate to be doing it on my own. However, I am also aware that some siblings can be useless and you can't rely on them anyway. I also love seeing my DCs play together but am aware that they would benefit from having more 1-2-1 time with me, which I just can't give. There are pros and cons of both, but I reckon if you feel complete as a family then you are.
HTH

Marylou62 · 11/04/2014 09:27

I was only talking to a friend yesterday about this! I have 3 but I say it is totally your choice. As threads above have said it can be hard when they are older and dealing with your illness/death. My dad was critical in hospital (he survived) and I always remember sitting in the garden with my DBs and all the children...supporting each other. It was actually commented on...how lucky we were to have this support. But that is not a reason to have another child, just a thought.

MyBaby1day · 12/04/2014 05:15

YADNBU, I think having one is a really cool thing to do!! . Speaking as an only child I absolutely loved it!!, wouldn't have had it any other way!. Growing up it was just me and my little puppet and we were very unique! . No Brother(s) and/or Sister(s) to hassle me or get in my way, all the attention. My Mum brought me up alone and we didn't have a lot of money, but the resources that we did have didn't have to be spread thinly-like in a larger family.

In turn I only plan on having one child too, like you I have a health issue and so will be adopting my future sweetie and hopefully (s)he will like being an only child just as much as I did!.

But back to you, if you only want one then stick at just the one. You sound to have the perfect family unit. You have to do what's right for you!! and ignore any silly people-I always did! , it's only jealousy and prejudice and people are just afraid of us superior only children anything a little different .

iMN · 12/04/2014 05:22

We felt happy sticking at one when we had our first child. And felt that way for about four years. Now we have three kids and love it! Do whatever works for you, no need to be worrying about it, or even thinking about it.

She's a very busy little two year old! Dram classes too

bugsyburge · 12/04/2014 05:32

I'm an only child & have never given much thought to how my life would be different if I had siblings.

however, I used to think I wanted 3children ( I think to experience something different from my upbringing) but that all changed when my daughter arrived 7 weeks ago.

now that she is here I couldn't imagine sharing my time, commitment or love with another child.... I literally want her to be my only focus.

it's horses for courses & you must do what is right for you

JohnBarleycorn · 12/04/2014 05:45

You really have to go with your instinct and not bother about what anyone else says. Having said that, I am an only child and I hated it. I longed for a brother or sister throughout my childhood and actually I still do.

amandine07 · 12/04/2014 06:08

Interesting thread and very honest too.

Yes there is the expectation that you will desire and then have number 2 isn't there?

Before having my first earlier this year I always assumed I'd want at least 3! It's funny but now that our little one is here it's hard to imagine us with another and dividing our attention.

I can see us having another in the future however I now really understand why people choose to stop at 1 and that is perfectly ok.

Before, I'd ask other couples the couple or secretly wonder why they weren't going for number 2...funny how you eventually grow up & develop some understanding!

WhoDaresWins · 12/04/2014 06:35

Whatever suits you.

I always think only children seem a bit lonely - they have to occupy themselves more or have adults for company whereas siblings always have each other as a playmate. But that's probably just me projecting - they won't miss what they've never had!

chrome100 · 12/04/2014 06:46

I don't have any children (yet?) but if I did I think I'd only have one. Soooo much easier! My mum was an only child and hated it which is why she had two, my sister and I. However, as kids we fought like cats and dogs and made our parents lives very hard. It was not what my mum was expecting. We get on better now but live at opposite ends of the country so it's not like it makes a difference to my life.

I also disagree with the posters who say only children are spoilt. I actually think I am a little spoilt! My parents worked so hard to make things "fair" so that we didn't fight that I find it hard not to expect that in adulthood. Also, I was so jealous of my sister and any attention she got that it made me into an insufferable green eyed monster and I still have streaks of that today.

brettgirl2 · 12/04/2014 07:01

its none of anyones business. I have 2 and it's completely different to 1. But also get away from the '2 year age gap' nonsense. You are so young, perhaps when your lo is more independent in 10 years time you could have another! Or perhaps not. But don't agonise over it, enjoy your lives

Joysmum · 12/04/2014 07:59

I had an overwhelming desire to become a mother, I didn't have an overwhelming desire to have another. That's all I needed to know.

There are pros and cons for having one child, just as there are pros and cons to having more than one. I'm an only child, my daughter is. We are both happy.

My DH has only his sister (who he doesn't see as they have nothing in common) as his mum died and his dad has advanced dementia.

So as an only child I have plenty of family, many of whom Im not close to, and he has a sister but no family in his daily life.

Having family doesn't make you close, friends are more important as we developed close friendships over years, family you can't choose.

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