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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH huffs at any little comment....

28 replies

Sickandtired14 · 10/04/2014 18:43

Ok, I'm 18 weeks preg, have a 20 month old who is teething a lot right now (just cut a molar and I can see a cuspid coming) so not sleeping great. I went to see my dad today - this entails driving there and back, a walk round to feed the ducks, running around after DD etc. It was an enjoyable day and I did CHOOSE to go. Anyway, DH decided he would take the day off work to 'relax' and 'rest' and sort out job applications as he is changing careers. At 4pm I rang to say we were on way home. At 5pm we arrived home. Tired. And needing to get DD's dinner going.
He had decided to clean - great! - except that meant I now had only our bedroom to be in with a very unhappy, hungry dd when what I wanted to do was make dinner and relax. It doesn't sound like a big deal but he does this EVERY time I go anywhere for the day. Takes an unpaid day off - yet we can't do things I want to do cos we 'need to save money' and then decides to clean 10 mins before I arrive home.

So when he said I had to entertain dd in the bedroom til he was finished I said 'really? In tired. Why do you always start cleaning JUST before we get home when you've been home all day?'

He is sulking. Says it wasn't fair of me to 'have a go at him' and 'someone' has to do the housework (I do all the cooking, washing, drying, washing up and clean the floors every day)

was unreasonable to have said that??

OP posts:
Thattimeofyearagain · 10/04/2014 18:46

YANBU, he is being a prick.

wowfudge · 10/04/2014 18:53

I don't understand why there was only one usable room if he was cleaning?

Anyway knowing the time the fact he started shortly before you got back is neither here nor there, that he is stopping you sorting out your DD's tea and breaking her routine is.

formerbabe · 10/04/2014 18:54

I don't get why you can only be in the bedroom because he is cleaning?

FunkyBoldRibena · 10/04/2014 18:58

Why is he taking a day off each time you decide to go out for the day - doesn't he ever come with you?

I think it's time to split all the chores so that you can avoid this entirely...white board - write down all the weekly chores and pick them off one by one...and those are then your weekly chores.

redskyatnight · 10/04/2014 18:58

I also don't understand why him cleaning confines you to only one room?

I think making job applications counts as work - it can be very time consuming and mind numbing.

If your dad lives an hour away that sounds like a fair of money spent on petrol?

Original poster
Sickandtired14 · 10/04/2014 18:58

He was sweeping and mopping the living room, kitchen, bathroom and hallway, meaning furniture is all up and off the floor, all her toys are stacked up and the floor will be wet. Leaving only mine and her bedroom to go in where dd wouldn't be in the way and causing mayhem.

The time annoys me cos he has had all day and yet does it just before we get home when he knows it will be inconvienent, it just bugs me but I don't see why I should now get the silent treatment for simply saying something. I didn't shout, didn't swear, didn't even say it in an angry way!

OP posts:
thebody · 10/04/2014 19:00

I am sorry but why would cleaning make you stay in one bedroom.

What the hell do you guys call cleaning?

Can't you just work around each other?

CloverHeart · 10/04/2014 19:01

Why do you and DD have to sit in your room when he is cleaning????

He is BVU for that alone!

Original poster
Sickandtired14 · 10/04/2014 19:02

He doesn't come no. He isn't really interested in my family. And only comes to see them a couple times a year.

I don't think he has done any job applications yet. If he is true to form he will have spent the day sleeping and watching tv and will complain at her bedtime that he needs to do his CV and jobs etc.... I did ask when we got home what he had done, not in an intrusive way, just like 'how was your day? What did you do today' and he said 'just this and that'

OP posts:
thebody · 10/04/2014 19:03

Right sorry got you.

Yes he's making a point I imagine.

Take dd out for tea.

iklboo · 10/04/2014 19:11

When DH started on about 'someone' had to clean' I printed off a giant picture of a medal, stuck it to some card & handed it to him next time he said anything.

deakymom · 10/04/2014 22:34

i wouldn't have bothered ringing to say i was coming home just turned up but then its my fucking home and i will do what i want especially if he has form for this

Joysmum · 11/04/2014 00:13

Sounds to me like the actions of a man who doesn't feel appreciated.

I say this because as a SAHM I felt like that. I swapped for a while from ensuring all chores were done before DD and DH got home to doing them when they were home because I honestly believed they didn't understand quite how much it took to keep things ticking over. They'd not notice when things done, only when not done. Swapping to doing things with witnesses made a point.

fuzzywuzzy · 11/04/2014 00:25

But OP usually does all the cooking and cleaning her oh only takes unpaid leave and behaves like this when she's gone out for the day.

Next time eat out and bring dd home bath and bed. And don't tell him you're on your way home either.

Let him scrub the house from top to bottom.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/04/2014 00:33

This is bullying behaviour. He is deliberately choosing to clean in a way that inconveniences you and makes your DD suffer. I think the intention is to teach you that all the housework is your responsibility, that you are not entitled to any fun or enjoyment, and that if you don't feed his ego and indulge his whims, then you will be punished.

What's this career change of his all about, BTW? Is there a history of changing jobs because he's 'unappreciated'? Or is it more a history of pissing and moaning about his job but not actually getting a new one?

EverythingCounts · 11/04/2014 00:56

Yes, he is BU. Next time you want to do something that he says you 'can't afford', I would tell him that it's time you got to indulge yourself as well.

onceandonceonly · 11/04/2014 01:11

Where the feck does he get off taking a day off work to apply for jobs? Was this paid leave, i.e. family holiday time, or unpaid, i.e. family income affected?

He needs to get his finger out and and sort out his cv in the evening, like most people do.

Did he arrange this day in after you'd said you were out for the day?

I wonder when the OP's rest and relax day is?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 11/04/2014 01:26

I also do not understand how "cleaning" can make the whole downstairs of the house unusable - I only ever clean one room at a time Confused.

TBH, I would be more pissed off at him using his (presumably) limited annual leave up to sit at home & do nothing on his own just because I decided to go out for the day. If he was actually sorting job applications/CV out then fair enough, but otherwise I would find that slightly offensive!

LindyHemming · 11/04/2014 04:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 11/04/2014 05:07

Why doesn't he cook the dinner & then clean the kitchen as that makes much more sense.

Chottie · 11/04/2014 05:20

As PPs have said, do not ring to say what time you will be home, feed DC before you get home and then it will be just bath and bed. If your DH is cleaning the bathroom, just give her a little wash before bed and bath her in the morning.

I would have a nice, early night relaxing in bed and let DH complete the rest of the cleaning in peace. If you don't rise to the bait, there will be no point in him doing this pathetic behaviour.

diddl · 11/04/2014 06:59

Why do you phone to say that you are on the way home??

dopeysheep · 11/04/2014 07:03

Exactly what Solid Gold Brass said. Bullying twat. Sorry.

3DcAndMe · 11/04/2014 07:15

Tbh if I had called ahead to let my oh know I was on the way back he prob would have put dds tea on for me so it was ready when we got home. He does this often with her tea or milk.

I also don't see why the whole downstairs is unaccessible when he cleans. Can he not hoover/mop one room at a time like the rest of us?!

nkf · 11/04/2014 07:16

I remember this sort of thing. Taking the children out, keeping them amused, so he could apply for jobs. I don't think you were being unreasonable. He'd clearly fannied about all day and you couldn't get in to the kitchen to do what you needed to do. And sulking is very annoying.