Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you were happier before you had kids?

88 replies

violator · 10/04/2014 11:04

Just wondering.
It came up in conversation with a friend recently and while we danced around the question it was quite clear that we were happier before we became mothers.
Are we alone in this?

OP posts:
Wizardsleeveoh · 10/04/2014 12:28

Interestingly, I was thinking about this last night. I am much much happier now that I have two children. I have no idea why, but I'm enjoying motherhood more now than that I have two children. I hated it when I only had one despite the unconditional love I have for DC1.

I'm happier because:

  • More relaxed
  • I get a good enough nights sleep now that I co sleep and breastfeed her lying down whereas with DS, I insisted on sitting up, and putting him back in his cot only for him to cry for me to pick him back up. It'd be a long night of insistence and resistance. *DS isn't needy or tantrumy as he was the day before she was born. it's as if he understands that I have to look after DD needs and it'll be nice if he helped me by behaving.
  • DH is more involved. He missed out on DS up until he was 2.5, so I'm not a single parent trying to cope on my own.
  • DD is an 'easy' baby.
  • I'm a bit of a loner so I don't mind just being with my kids (and DH) 24/7. I wasn't into clubbing, partying etc. I love our days out as a family more than nights out with friends.
  • I'm in my own house, so no interference from my parents. (I lived with them when DS was born and had to raise my son according to their standards and ideals). So it's mine and DH's way or nothing at all. DS is definitely more disciplined as I don't have my parents breathing down my neck and allowing DS to get away with murder.
thebody · 10/04/2014 12:34

I envy my sister sometimes who is childless by choice.

Nothing to do with her having more cash, holidays, free time as those things don't matter a flying fuck.

However I do envy her because she has her heart to herself and it can't be broken, fractured or bruised.

You can only understand true terror pain and heart break when you have kids that have been hurt or that may die before you.

Once you have kids you are never free again until you are dead.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2014 12:36

What thebody said. I was happier, but did not realise it.

thebody · 10/04/2014 12:38

expat hugs

littlemslazybones · 10/04/2014 20:34

I'm happier now. I spent the first 5

oohdaddypig · 10/04/2014 20:42

I am happier now and more content. But in a long te, sometimes exhausted way as opposed to my carefree happiness of before.

I completely agree with thebody . It feels like my happiness clings on a precipice, the extent of which I have no control. I do sometimes yearn for the carefree days when my heart and soul could not be shredded!

bobot · 11/04/2014 09:59

Not at all, happier now. Fatter, more tired, much poorer. But these little people have given me a purpose and fulfilment that nothing else could.

bobot · 11/04/2014 10:00

Not at all, happier now. Fatter, more tired, much poorer. But these little people have given me a purpose and fulfilment that nothing else could.

Timetoask · 11/04/2014 10:05

I am tired, I don't have a clear direction with regards to my life as an individual (rather than as being part of a family) but I am happier.
Dancing around? Not interested. It's okay once in a while, but I'd much rather have my little family.
For those of your saying that you are fatter, it is completely up to you to solve that problem.
Being tired is a different matter!
But I don't envy childless people at all.

DoINeedToPutMyShoesOn · 11/04/2014 10:11

I worry more and feel my responsibilities much more but I'm very grounded and settled now and happier in a deeper sense if you see what I mean.

Probably unhappier day to day as am constantly busy, worrying, cleaning, working, running around and I don't have much freedom or childcare to just go off and do things I want to. I can't get into bed with a book after a long day at work anymore or go for impromptu drinks with friends or waste whole weekends like I used to. Everything takes a lot more planning and stress. But when I put them to bed each night or see them laughing together, it's all worth it iykwim. Wouldn't change it. Insert cliche.

Nataleejah · 11/04/2014 10:17

I was rather young to have my first, so my child-free life was basically my own childhood and teen years. So i really can't say if i really was happier as i was looking forward to start my own life.

MrsDrRanj · 11/04/2014 10:22

I had a lot of drug and mental health issues before I had my DS, so he'd have had to be spectacularly awful to make my life worse!

I'm so much happier now. It's hard of course, but overall there's no competition.

dancingnancy · 11/04/2014 10:27

What the body said. Such highs and lows and the love is like no other love. But with that comes the fear that something could happen to them, it's always there just hiding. Was at the funeral of a teenager last week - was just heartbreaking and that pain terrifies me.

NinjaLeprechaun · 11/04/2014 10:30

It's hard to compare, because I've been a mother for nearly half my life, and for most of the years I wasn't, I was a child.
Most of the times I have been particularly happy/content or not happy/content over the past nearly 20 years have been independent of the fact that I have a child. If you're expecting your children to fulfill you as a human being then you're setting both them and you up for failure. In my opinion. Although I certainly would have felt the lack if I hadn't had her, and I happen to like my daughter very much - so I'll come down on the side of happier.

KateSpade · 11/04/2014 10:35

Strangely, yes I am. I say strangely because

I never wanted children, I had DD fairly young 22, and I was at university so before I had her, I was living the high life, socialising all the time, good group of friends, ect,

Now, I am a bit of a loner like another poster said,
I moved back with my parents after uni, and didn't keep in touch with any of my 'back home' friends, so now I only really have 1 good friend, which I'm a bit embarrassed about.

I do feel slightly upset, like I've missed out on life experiences, but I think that's down to not having any friends round here, rather than having DD IYSWIM,

WillYouDoTheFandango · 11/04/2014 10:43

I'm much happier now, I'm completely content with my choice. Even this week (when DP left me - he's clearly less happy since we had DS) I still wouldn't ever want to switch back.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 11/04/2014 14:44

I think I would say life is harder since having kids. There are aspects of life before that I miss. But I am happier now and I wouldn't change anything

That's exactly how I feel. There are times I miss the freedom but I wouldn't be without DS for anything. He's 2 and makes me laugh so much. Plus I get to work part time!

phoenix1973 · 11/09/2017 13:21

Yes I was. As a loner introvert, adding more people into my mix wasn't the smartest decision for me.
Still, I made our bed so got to get on and do the best to bring up my child. I have to admit though, I'm looking to when they move out.....only a minimum of 7 more years. It's just you have to be so selfless which I have to work far too hard at. It is largely a stressful, thankless job in which you constantly question yourself. No fun.

phoenix1973 · 11/09/2017 13:22

TheBody is so right.

Camomila · 11/09/2017 13:27

Definitely not...the last few years before I had DS I was very broody and was just 'waiting' till I could have a baby/family.
I was happy enough but they were just 'filler' years really.

Even though I'm more tired and have less free time since I have DS I'm so much happier.

I was always a fairly anxious person before but since having him I feel much more secure and together...I wander if it's maybe a hormonal thing? (Am still bleeding)

Camomila · 11/09/2017 13:28

Yikes not bleeding, I meant breastfeeding.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 11/09/2017 13:28

I relate to what Guybrush and Joandmax said. Now mine is a teenager, I'm starting to love life, motherhood comes more naturally to me with a teen. Possibly because there's a strong friendship element to it now.

Pennywhistle · 11/09/2017 13:38

I'm much, much happier following my children (and I was pretty happy before!)

However 2years old isn't the right time to ask this question. The early years can be a grind, no time, not enough money, not enough sleep.

It gets better, much much better as they get older.

My DC are 9 yo and are really, really lovely. Funny, helpful, entertaining and still keen on cuddles!

If you'd asked me when they were 2 yo (twins) I'd barely have been able to string a coherent sentence together in response. Grin

The next two years will be important in establishing discipline, if you can get that sorted then it's pretty plain sailing (comparatively).

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 11/09/2017 13:40

No, I was truly fulfilled when I had DS1. 😳

CryingShame · 11/09/2017 13:41

I enjoy DS but I don't think we had an understanding of how relentless it is. We have no babysitters so have been out at night 3 times in 8 years. DS still regularly gets up before 7am at weekends (he's 8 so we leave him to it now) and may have ADHD. He can be exhausting to be around.

I miss having the money and time to do grown up things just the two of us. Even our day out plans for my birthday got changed to accommodate a sulking DS. Most days he's wonderful, but I'm not sure I'm happier now than I was before. Just more understanding, and I've learned a lot from parenthood.

Swipe left for the next trending thread