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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - HV Visit

77 replies

RalphLaurenLover · 08/04/2014 20:38

Been to the HV today for my DS's 18-24 month check and she spoke to me like I was a complete and utter idiot.

His name is double barrelled and both names is what he goes by yet she refused and would only use the first one despite me asking numerous times.

My DS didn't want to sit on my lap and wanted to stand yet she point blankly refused this so made me hold him down kicking and screaming whilst she then waved a tub of 100's and 1000's in his face and wondered why he wasn't cooperating!

I was with my friend and her LO (6 weeks older) and every time he come up to the desk to look what she was doing she'd turn to him and go "No these aren't your toys go and stand over there" then gently push him away his mum couldn't even get a word in to ask him to move before she'd do this.

She asked me how many words can DS say and I said I'm not sure as I don't really count never know I should of just off the top off my head I said about 15/20 and she looked at me and said "Is that it?! He should be stringing sentences together like "mummy can you get me a drink please I'm thirsty" and saying at least 50+ word clearly" She looked disgusted she carried that look on when she showed my DS a picture of a dog, cat and ducklings face and asked him what they were and to point to them. Well he completely ignored her request and looked at her to which she then said "So he doesn't even know the basic animals then?!" I told her he did if you took him and showed him a real dog/cat/duck he'd say it and point as he does when I take him to the country park.

She then gave me a lecture about why he's not in Pre-School yet (I don't work and I am a single parent plus he's not even 2 yet so I can't get him seen round until he is) and if he was he'd be 'normal' for his age I.e the speaking and pointing at pictures.

AIBU or was she just a douche I mean I don't know any 2 year old that can string together a lengthy sentence and knows over 50+ words

OP posts:

BornFreeButinChains · 08/04/2014 20:41

Well I know some younger than 2 that can, and some that cannot one being my own child.

it does sound like she has you down as a type though doesn't it....

Original poster

RalphLaurenLover · 08/04/2014 20:43

Well out I was the only one there who wasn't about 30 (just turned 21)

OP posts:

DIYapprentice · 08/04/2014 20:44

YANBU, she's a douche. Some are. The HV for DS1 was a douche, the HV for DS2 was fab.

Either make sure you get someone else next time, or scrap future HV visits.

DIYapprentice · 08/04/2014 20:46

Oh god, one of those then, you're clearly soooo immature that you need to be spoken to like a child. Can't stand people like that.

One of the nicest mum's of DS1's friends would have been under 21 at the same HV visit. Almost all the others are around my age, late 30s, early 40s.

Ignore the stupid woman, and I'm sorry to say, but you're going to have to get tougher with people like this, especially if you're surrounded by older mums.

WaterLoadaCack · 08/04/2014 20:47

This is exactly why I cancelled all my HV appointments.

This is exactly why I have started my lifes mission to become a health visitor.

Purplepoodle · 08/04/2014 20:47

Obviously you didn't get on, personality clash ect However I wouldn't have taken my friends child in while he was being assessed, surprised she didn't ask your friend to take the child out. She has to ask certain questions and record his progress. This is the age they can pick up things like ads or developmental delay (not that your child has this)

catkind · 08/04/2014 20:47

You should complain, that's a terrible attitude.

Not for her to say what your son "should" be doing. She needs to find out what he's actually doing, and refer for checks/extra help if she thinks there may be any problems or anything needs further checking. And she should be professional about it and polite.

And at 2 years I thought the check is can they string 2-3 words together, not massive long sentences. Let alone 18 months, depending what end of that spectrum your son is.

Has she never come across an uncooperative toddler before? Crazy.

EverythingIsAwesome · 08/04/2014 20:48

Wow, she sounds awful!

oddsocksmostly · 08/04/2014 20:48

There isn't an 18 month check as far as I know these days, so I am a bit confused.

Original poster

RalphLaurenLover · 08/04/2014 20:53

My DS can say mum whats that? mum, who's that? or mum dog/cat/duck etc when I told her I got "He should be able to string words together that don't 'go together' " I mean what does that mean? Should he be saying things like "mum mary poppins seem's like a top notch nanny" I thought they learned words that 'went together' first.

I even told her he signs things like sorry, thank you, biscuit etc and she said he shouldn't be doing that :S

OP posts:

PicandMinx · 08/04/2014 20:54

HV is a douche.

AmandinePoulain · 08/04/2014 20:54

I'm a student HV and mother of an 18-24 month old and find her actions a little...well...odd. It's certainly not how I've been taught to do development checks! And we would expect simple sentences by 2, and around 50 words. I do agree though that it's best not to have another child in the room. What has she suggested to do next?

Age of checks depends on area - where I work the children get 1 year, 18 month, 2 and 3 year development checks, where I live we just get 2 years!

starlight1234 · 08/04/2014 20:56

they are all different..My Ds had very delayed speech..they all nursery and HV got there knickers in a knot about it so he had his 2 1/2 year assessment at 2 and 1 week consequently failed on 3 areas including speech ...He had to have a full speech therapy assessment who concluded he was following the normal pattern of learning to speak just delayed...He is 6 now and no issues whatsoever...

yes my DS went to nursery and wasn't saying any animals at 2 in fact couldn't say mummy properly.

I am a great believer in trusting your instincts

Aeroflotgirl · 08/04/2014 20:58

Omg she is nasty, sounds if the old school type. Don't worry, why not request to see a different HV. I would make a complaint, he behaviour was unacceptable, she was rude, xhikdren are not performing seals fgs. I bloody would not say anything if I were your ds.

AmandinePoulain · 08/04/2014 20:59

I think she means constructing sentences rather than saying something like 'all gone' which is generally said as one word. So for example, dd2 says 'want out' a lot when she wants to get out of the high chair, but she also says 'want toys' so she's got that 'want' is a word of it's own. Does that make sense?

Only1scoop · 08/04/2014 21:00

I'm suprised she let your friend and her dc in whilst in the appointment.

Original poster

RalphLaurenLover · 08/04/2014 21:00

Odd

Here you go,

She asked none of these questions. The only thing he's not doing is showing an interest in potty training and I have one in the front room

OP posts:

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 08/04/2014 21:00

YANBU how horrible, my 2.10yo has a slight speech delay and my HV was very reassuring about it (tbh, we hadn't even noticed as we know what he means when he speaks and are used to it). He's also not in nursery yet, he doesn't start until September. He absolutely definitely was not stringing sentences together at that age, although some can, but he is now just not very coherently it would seem.

Try not to take it personally, she sounds like a right grump.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/04/2014 21:01

He is 2 fgs not a school age child, not all xhikdren are the same! My dd paedritrician told me that a lot of development takes place between 3-5 years old, so there is still some way to go.

Original poster

RalphLaurenLover · 08/04/2014 21:02

She asked if my friends wanted to come in! They were playing in the kids bit together.

OP posts:

bobot · 08/04/2014 21:09

I have one dd who was talking completely fluently before the age of two - "I'm nearly two, I'm the youngest, my brother's four". I have another dd who is almost 2, and saying "Mummy, go", "more papple" - and that's her level.

I had a health visitor that was an arse, ended up declining any further appointments with her. Yours sounds like a fool. YANBU.

NearTheWindymill · 08/04/2014 21:15

Well mine are 19 and nearly 16 now OP. IME they are vile whatever your circumstances. I never saw one again after about 8 weeks. She said two vile things. "Just because you've got everything, doesn't mean your baby will be better than anyone else's" and "breastfeeding mothers put their babies first, bottle feeding mothers put themselves first". I complained and her boss told me that the role of an Hv was to make sure the mummies spoke to their dc enough for them to develop speech. I said thank you very much but that won't be necessary and complained to HER boss who upheld my complaints.

I also went home after that savoury little comment and read DS the Iliad and the Odyssey - I guess he was a couple of months old. They did me a favour in a way - he's off to read Classics at Oxford in September . Never took them seriously after that and refused all contact with them thereafter. As far as I was concerned, if I was worried in any way about my child I would visit the GP and ask for a referral to the appropriate consultant. I really didn't need someone who was less well educated than me doing that on my behalf.

IMO they need to be reminded that they are human beings who provide a service and as such need to be both competent and respectful. They are obliged to offer their services legally, parents are not obliged to accept those services legally and I would say that unless those services pass muster mothers should not accept them because that is the only way this excuse for a service will ever improve.

The saddest thing is that 19 years on I still remember the place that HV put me in and it still brings a tear to my eye and makes me remember how much she made me grieve for my inadequacy as a mother and the fact that I failed to properly feed my son.

RevoltingPeasant · 08/04/2014 21:19

OP was she Michael Wilshaw in drag?

Original poster

RalphLaurenLover · 08/04/2014 21:21

I'm going to ring my original HV tomorrow she's normally quite good. He can do everything in the book par from peeing on the potty but I'm working on that!

OP posts:

Original poster

RalphLaurenLover · 08/04/2014 21:22

Revolting I have no idea who that is haha

OP posts:

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