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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask ex for CMS (csa) payments?

37 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 19:52

Ex has moved to cornwall recently (250 miles away instead of the previous 5) and keeps missing our pre-arranged maintenance 'dates' so I called up CMS (child maintenance service) for advice. They suggested the direct maintenance plan, where they get his details, check what he earns etc and calculate the fairest amount then sort out a set date/arrangement that's legally binding. It's not as severe as the full on CSA/CMS order but if he misses payments they chase him up etc.

He's not seen DS for 2 months as the commute to work has stressed him out and he can't face driving that far anymore. His GP has signed him off. Fair enough. I do feel for him. But I also have DS to feed and bills to pay Sad I feel like a bitch. I'd happily not bother at all but it's neccessary atm.

I prewarned him just now and he said that it better not be too much as DS is 'at nursery half the week then I have him for one night a fortnight so it's not like you have him all the time' Hmm He does pay an ok amount when I've chased him up every month though. I just can't keep stressing about money like this anymore. I've got enough on my plate as it is with family issues, lots of illnes, DS's club foot (ongoing health condition) etc.

and yes, he may be at nursery 9-3 for 3 days a week but I still have bills to pay, food to buy, transport to pay for even when he's not with me as i'm the RP Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 19:55

DS is 3 so I've put this sort of involvement off for 3 years in the hope our arrangement would hold (DS is 3).

OP posts:
HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 19:57

Give him a choice. Either he sets up a standing order and pays for his child on time each month, or you pass it to the cms.

He shouldn't be making you come crawling for money for the child that he helped to create. Does he enjoy making you ask? Does it make him feel powerful?

RandomMess · 08/04/2014 19:58

YANBU you need to know how much you will receive and when so you can budget accordingly.

Is he at nursery to you work or is it pre-school?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 19:59

He didn't want DS.

We get on ok for DS but we don't like each other and so much has happened in the past that it's civil and that's the limit.

He had a standing order but had to shut that account, then never rearranged a new order from his new account. Did ask but he said it was fine and he'd still pay on the same day every month (he hasn't...it's always a few days after and after chasing which feels horrid and means I can't rely on it).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 20:00

It's just the free over 3 hours. I'm a student atm.

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43percentburnt · 08/04/2014 20:01

Yadnbu. He's at nursery 18 hours a week. Then he has him one night a fortnight. Lmao! Get them to calculate and take the full amount just for the previous two sentences. You shouldn't have to feel like you have to harass him for money, so get it through the Csa.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 20:02

He went on about how some friend of his is being milked by the CSA Hmm

Actually, they work it out very fairly as far as I can tell and take into account the fact the RP is paying bills to keep a home for the DC. He just has himself to look after and he lives at his mums

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RandomMess · 08/04/2014 20:02

He is barking!!! Good that you are getting your free hours in blocks - much more productive for you.

What a complete arse, I assumed he was at nursery so you could work tbh, (was being nosy) - why on earth would him going to nursery save you money exactly...

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 20:03

Because he's not here with me, it would seem. I don't actually get it!

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 08/04/2014 20:04

Sorry last comment wasn't too clear, cannot believe having 18 hours off to study qualifies as not having him all the time. Amazing. Csa and when he complains say you were bored of asking him for maintenance.

He may not have wanted him but children can occur after sex, it is always a risk and as an adult he needs to face up to the responsibility.

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 20:07

So when he starts school, he'll want to pay less still?

He's a tosspot.

Honestly, I'd tell him either he stops farting about or you take it out of his hands.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 20:07

He always makes me feel so unreasonable. He's been down lately, fair enough. But he's not doing anything about it and when I was ill last year (depression/anxiety) I didn't drop DS for 2 months, despite it being hard work. He's my DC, it's just what you do. But he's just told me he can't see DS for another month due to stress, which makes 3 months overall by then.

I think he's backing out of the relationship (him and DS) now he's moved anyway so just felt I needed to sort something secure so it's one less thing to stress about and feel shit about and if he does dissapear at least DS won't go without IYSWIM?

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43percentburnt · 08/04/2014 20:08

Ahhhh milked by the Csa. Ahhh you are milked by the council tax, landlord/mortgage lender, by mr tescos, the water board and that pesky old electric and gas company each month. Csa ensures the non resident parent pays towards their food and shelter.

Ignore him and claim.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 20:10

He said the nursery/weekend comment in passing, like it's fine.

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43percentburnt · 08/04/2014 20:11

Csa. If he doesn't want to see ds then it is his loss. Not claiming maintenance will not ensure he maintains a relationship. You sound great and will do an amazing job for your ds. Get the money, when you qualify if you don't need the money anymore bank it for your ds, it would be a great nest egg for him as an adult.

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 20:11

Well yeah, I'm sure he thinks it is. He wouldn't be the first parent to think their children can live on fresh air and blue skies. Hmm

You can't spend time worrying about him, tbh, just focus on his responsibilities to his child. If he won't meet them, then you have a duty to do whatever you can to make him!

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 20:13

He wouldn't be the first parent to think their children can live on fresh air and blue skies

Cheered me up Grin Thanks.

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43percentburnt · 08/04/2014 20:14

I am sure if he had ds full time he would claim maintenance. And I bet you would walk over hot coals to see your boy every week, and fight tooth and nail to see him more than one night a fortnight. Ignore him. Just do the best for your ds.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 20:16

I told him that I pay £30 a week in electric and gas then £40-50 a week/week and a half in food, nappies and household stuff, let alone monthly bills.

He hasn't ever lived alone, let alone being alone with a small DC. It's pricey! He obviously thought I must be exagerrating Envy

I just want to have it legally sorted so I can have as little to do with this as possible from now on. I just want to get on with DS and forget about how shit that side of things is/has been IYSWIM?

But no, I'm a grabby bitch Grin

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TheGirlFromIpanema · 08/04/2014 20:18

I expect your ex has been talking to mine orchard, I'm the caaaaah that bleeds the ex dry you see Grin

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 20:18

I would 43!

I don't really understand how he manages to go that long without even asking after him. He has no idea that in that time DS has had chicken pox, clubfoot-issues and flu. When I was in hospital last month I called my DM everyday to talk to DS, ask after him.

But he's just such a great dad for having him twice a month you see Grin

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Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 20:19

It is isn't it Ipanema Grin

It's not a 'who's the best parent' comp' anyway. It's just about being bloody reliable at least.

Jesus wept!

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Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 20:30

(I have a feeling he'll refuse it and we'll have to go full on CSA/CMS but of course I'll be the 'baddie' for making him Hmm ).

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TheGirlFromIpanema · 08/04/2014 20:53

You have to learn to shrug it off. Who cares what he thinks, its what is morally right that's important.

Call the csa he sounds like he's setting you up for years of chasing around and running in circles in order to provide the best life possible for his dc. Grrr. Knobbers.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/04/2014 20:55

I know, I know.

I've been too 'bothered' by it but am hoping this will put an end to that. I dread the monthly chase-up since he stopped the direct debit!

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