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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect Financial support from dh

31 replies

Haveacwtch · 08/04/2014 19:36

I lost my job last year and had a bit of a pay out so haven't gone Back yet.

My options are returning full time and long hours or retraining. I chose to retrain as me and h cannot both work long hours around the children.

I am in college now and volunteering two days a week as part of my course.

My income has now dropped. We always paid 50/50. I have some income but not like I did.

I have asked h to support me a bit either by paying more into our bills or giving me money every month. We don't have a joint account. I see this as reasonable. I take care of all chikdcare etc

My dad thinks this is terrible. I should not expect my husband to give me handouts. What do you all think. Is it unreasonable to expect not to be on my arse with money as I am trying to work around my kids. Thanks

OP posts:

Mouthfulofquiz · 08/04/2014 19:38

Errrrrm - does the concept of 'family money' not apply here??

Original poster

Haveacwtch · 08/04/2014 19:40

Apparently not. Like I said we have always looked after ourselves but split household bills and anything to do with the children (mainly). He takes care of any days out , meals, things we need for the house. It's things for me I need money for. Day to day living, petrol maybe a hair cut
Once in a while

OP posts:

Sid77 · 08/04/2014 19:41

Handouts? Is your dad always this unreasonable?

CoffeeTea103 · 08/04/2014 19:41

Yanbu, off course your DH should support you if you need it. It's a partnership.

LindyHemming · 08/04/2014 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NurseyWursey · 08/04/2014 19:43

Of course he should! You're a partnership like coffee said, you're a family. Finances and resources are pooled.

I recently quit my job and my DP has been my rock financially, I'm grateful but any good partner would do the same

DIYapprentice · 08/04/2014 19:44

Good God! Of course you should have family money!!!!!

What a ridiculous notion of having his and her money in a family unit!

(Apart from the his and her allocated money after everything has been deducted from JOINT income of course. DH doesn't get a look into my spending money!!!! )

SilverShadows · 08/04/2014 19:45

We are a joint account household. Actually 2 joint account. One for bills and household expenses, one for joint spends. We also have separate accounts that sole spending money goes into, that is for clothing, haircuts, CDs, etc.
oh and a joint saving account. Forgot that one.

Perhaps since incomes differ, and you contribute to the household in other ways the way you arrange money should be reviewed?

Mouthfulofquiz · 08/04/2014 19:45

I earn about a 6th of what my husband earns... It all goes into one pot and then we both get the same amount after bills to spend on what we like - haircut for me maybe... Some golf stuff for him.. Whatever we like.
It is a great system if you can both agree to it. We both work for the 'family' - I work very part time and do a lot of childcare and look after the home etc. it seems very unfair for you to be financially disadvantaged to be honest. A drop in your income is a drop in your whole family's income, not just yours.

SilverShadows · 08/04/2014 19:46

Hold on, I thought it was your DH that was objecting, but it's your Dad? What on earth does it have to do with him? Tell him to butt out!

Purplepoodle · 08/04/2014 19:47

Do to discuss your finances with anyone but your husband I learned that after a couple of family fall outs

Fairylea · 08/04/2014 19:52

How awful of your dad! All income is family money! At the very least you should both have the same spending money. I share everything with dh (have been times when one of us isn't working on both sides) and wouldn't have it any other way.

Original poster

Haveacwtch · 08/04/2014 19:54

We're getting there. Money is like the elephant in the room for me and h. His answer sometimes is for me to go back to work. I would still need to be responsible for nursery drop off and pick ups if I returned to my old career. It's not the kind of job where I can insist on leaving at 5:30 every night either. I also couldn't take time off every time they were Ill. My two year old would be in nursery from nursery open to close 5 days and I think after being home with me for a year it would be cruel.

If I didn't go back to my career I could work part time probably for minimum wage. My childcare would probably be the same as my wage.
The job I'm training towards won't pay well. I am looking at about a £20k + drop in salary but with my husband working stupid hours we can't both do it. He agrees with this.

I owe my dad money and I just said id ask dh tonight and he has said no and that he wouldn't expect dh to pay my debts (only £30 by the way). He has said in the past that dh shouldn't have to support me and I was wondering if I was being unreasonable in expecting him to.

OP posts:

Casmama · 08/04/2014 20:00

Don't borrow from your dad in future as it means that he has the opportunity to give you this crap.
I would focus on getting on exactly the same page as your dh and tell your dad to mind his own business.

LindyHemming · 08/04/2014 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DIYapprentice · 08/04/2014 20:19

Tell your dad to sod off and to mind his own bloody business. I'm sorry, but this really has me seething.

You really need to have the conversation with your husband. Both of you can't work stupid hours, you agree that. So one of you has to sacrifice their earning capacity, so it therefore falls to the other one to negate that. You do that by having JOINT money.

Original poster

Haveacwtch · 08/04/2014 20:25

I think my dad paid the mortgage and basic shopping but the rest was left to my mum to support herself and buy clothes for us. TAlking to her now it seems that most of our stuff came from jumble sales/charity shops etc and any mother for herself had to be earned by her

OP posts:

Casmama · 08/04/2014 20:38

Your dad sounds like a bit of a shit actually and I feel quite sorry for your mum.

Original poster

Haveacwtch · 08/04/2014 20:45

They divorced over 20 years ago. My dad has a strange attitude to money as you can tell!

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/04/2014 20:49

Your Dad is a wanker, therefore discount anything he is saying to you on this, and probably any other, subject.

You should of course be reducing your input into the 'pot' considerably as you now have no income! You need to sit down and sort this out with your husband. If he isn't going to put 50/50 into the childcare responsibilities, then why the fuck should he expect you to put 50/50 into the finances?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/04/2014 21:03

Everything Alibaba says.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/04/2014 21:51

"My dad has a strange attitude to money as you can tell!"
Yes, he does. So why give anything he says about money any credence at all?

What bothers me is your husband's attitude to money. "Money is like the elephant in the room for me and h. His answer sometimes is for me to go back to work." Your have children. Your husband works 'stupid hours'. He can only do that because you are caring for the children - he wouldn't be able to hearn as he does without your support. FFS, you need to rearrange your finances! You are not two separate individuals, you are a family and as such both your incomes should be pooled. I wonder if the strange finances that you grew up with have skewed your expectations.

wobblyweebles · 08/04/2014 22:05

Charge your husband the going rate for looking after the kids so that he can go to work?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 08/04/2014 22:13

Firstly, ignore your Dad completely. This has nothing to do with him whatsoever and he needs that made clear. . Secondly, you and yoru DH should be an equal partnership. Equal, but contributing different things at different time. So he can go and earn money because you are doing the lions share of the child rearing. The money should surely be "joint money" - not his and hers....

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 08/04/2014 23:57

Your dad is weird!

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