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Original poster

PIL - Am I Missing Something?

50 replies

FairyFootsteps · 08/04/2014 12:55

Name change as personal matter.

My car broke down today. The battery is flat. It also broke down on Saturday and I got the AA to jump start it, but was told there would be a call out fee of around £150 for the same fault again. DH is currently working abroad but his parents live 5 miles away, so on Saturday he called his father to see if he would come and jump start it any time over the weekend. He refused, saying he had lost his jump leads and was too busy.

DH is back at the weekend and is confident he can jump start it enough at least to drive it to a garage, although will have a look at it himself first to see if its something he can fix. I can do without a car til then.

But there is a family meal out at a restaurant tonight with BIL and SIL and their other halves and their children all there, so I phoned PIL to let them know in advance I wouldn't be able to make it. Got FIL and when I told him the reason why he said "You need to pay to take that car to a garage". I explained I was waiting til DH got home at the weekend to sort it out". He then said "You're a right charmer, aren't you?" WTF?

Needless to say, no offer to give me a lift to the restaurant tonight, certainly no offer of help re car (not that I asked for either). I refuse to be drawn into rudeness, so I simply said that garages can cost a fortune and its better to wait to see if they're really necessary before paying to have a car towed there and then said goodbye and hung up.

Its not that I expect them to help me or anything, but whats with the attitude?

OP posts:
Nennypops · 08/04/2014 12:57

Can you email or text FIL to ask precisely that question - i.e. to explain his attitude?

OldBagWantsNewBag · 08/04/2014 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rauma · 08/04/2014 13:02

FIL is a cock, probably doesn't know how to jump start the car and doesn't want to admit it. Would tell your DH about the attitude, what's the point in living near family if they are so sodding unhelpful? Bare that in mind when you look top move house next time IMO.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 08/04/2014 13:02

This may not be helpful, but I've just had this issue, and it was surprisingly easy to get the battery out and recharge it - you can get trickle chargers in Argos. Worth doing?

Your FIL's response is so rude I'd be wondering if you're missing something ... is it possible your DH had given him the impression he was feeling put upon, or something like that? Either way, he sounds pretty unpleasant.

soverylucky · 08/04/2014 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FairyFootsteps · 08/04/2014 13:05

PIL, well FIL mainly, seem to have the attitude that I am some freeloader who has bled their son dry.

Quite why, I'm not sure. I earn £44,000 a year, much the same as DH, and actually spent most of my salary from last month buying him a car as his gave up the ghost. Hence I don't actually have funds to rush mine to the garage to be fixed until next month.

I've emailed MIL to confirm I won't be able to come along to the meal tonight, and simply said "I'm unsure what FIL meant by "You're a right charmer, aren't you?" but it makes sense to wait until DH returns at the weekend to assess the car instead of spending money to have it towed to a garage.

MIL placates, no-one is to ever have an argument, which basically means if anyone is rude to you, you are expected to put up or shut up. I seriously CBA with them, and was only going along out of respect for MIL.

Just a bit gobsmacked at the "charmer" comment from FIL...

OP posts:
Original poster
FairyFootsteps · 08/04/2014 13:08

FIL definitely knows how to jump start a car, used to work with cars. When he had a job that is...

LRD I like the idea of the trickle charger - I can do that. I can do without a car until the weekend, but equally its something useful to learn. Car is broken down in a safe place about 2 miles away though (I walked home) so I would need to carry the battery back.

Equally I have lots of friends who would jump start it for me. Just sitting here slightly gobsmacked. Fortunately its the spring holiday week so not at work!

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 08/04/2014 13:12

I found mine really useful. Not the main issue, I know!

What does your DH make of their attitude? They actually sound really unpleasant.

ddubsgirl · 08/04/2014 13:14

buy a charger pack and give battery a good charge once going drive car for at least a good 30mins to full charge the battery

OldBagWantsNewBag · 08/04/2014 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sausagefortea · 08/04/2014 13:25

Perhaps if you'd worded your reply to him asking about the garage as 'well, I'm waiting for DH to get home and then he can do it' then perhaps he construed it as that you're putting upon DH by just waiting around for him to do it and not doing anything about it yourself after his son has been away all week. So thought you were 'a charmer'.

But....(not meaning to abide by gender stereotypes) your DH knows how to do the car, whereas you don't. I vaguely know how to push start a car (if it's on a hill), and could take a stab at jump starting it (but be fearful of giving myself an electric shock) but my DH is more competent at it, so I'd leave it to him. I doubt you'd be asking your DH as soon as he walked through the door to go back out and fix your car, would you?

Sounds like your FIL is just trying to find fault.

Original poster
FairyFootsteps · 08/04/2014 13:25

I suspect the "charmer" comment came from me suggesting that DH could do something to help out and my unwillingness not to reach into my pocket immediately to shell out to get it fixed instead...

OP posts:
sausagefortea · 08/04/2014 13:26

And I think for a trickle charger to work you need it to be connected to the mains. (Although I think you can get ones that are self contained....but they are more expensive).

Original poster
FairyFootsteps · 08/04/2014 13:32

I can find out how to charge the battery. I just didn't want to cancel the restaurant tonight at the last minute hence phoning them to let them know I couldn't make it. I'm not sure most people have the funds to pay for their car to get taken to the garage immediately they develop any kind of fault whatsoever!

Considering one SIL can't drive and they spend hours each week collecting her and taking her to the supermarket and back, I don't really think they have much to criticise me for!

Gosh, FIL was rude!

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 08/04/2014 13:38

Why were you going to dinner with inlaws without dh

I never do that Blush

sausagefortea · 08/04/2014 13:39

Well even if you'd got the car started there's no telling that the garage would be able to fix it straight away anyway! Definitely very rude!

LIZS · 08/04/2014 13:40

Do you have AA/RAC/Green Flag homestart ? If battery has failed again it probably won't jump start, did they advise you to go straight to a garage or drive it to charge up ? Maybe if you'd asked for a lift to buy a replacement battery or to try a jump so you could sort it out instead he would have helped you, it does sound a bit pathetic to wait for dh tbh. Can you not get a taxi to the meal ?

threepiecesuite · 08/04/2014 13:47

Maybe he thought that with £88k a year coming into the household, you were being a bit tight not just getting it sorted straight away.

Leaving it 2 miles away sounds a bit odd too -will it be safe?

Scrounger · 08/04/2014 13:47

Your FIL worked with cars and would presumably have been able to have a look at it and is at most 7 miles away from it but he won't help you out? He is the charmer. What does your DH say about his father's behaviour usually, I assume that this isn't out of character?

MaxPepsi · 08/04/2014 13:49

Why don't you have your husbands car if he's abroad?

And I'm genuinely surprised with £88k coming into the house you can't afford a taxi for tonight.

pianodoodle · 08/04/2014 13:51

Your FIL sounds a right knob.

I'd want to know exactly what he meant and I wouldn't be going for dinner with them after that even if I did find a way to get there.

capsium · 08/04/2014 13:54

Next time just thank FiL and make him think you have taken it as a compliment. You could say,

'Oh, that is very sweet of you to say so! You don't fancy giving me a lift do you?' Wink

Echocave · 08/04/2014 13:54

Might it be a complicated dynamic between DH and his father? As a result of which FIL was annoyed to be called from abroad to be asked to go over to help you. Or, does he think you were somehow being cheeky by waiting to let DH sort it out (did he misconstrue your tone of voice or do they think he's 'put upon'?).
I'm not saying any of these things is necessarily the case, he may just be a grumpy arse of course.

I don't think you can compare their willingness to drive SIL around with their unwillingness to help you. She's their daughter and unfortunately for some families, the people their children marry are never really part of the family.

Original poster
FairyFootsteps · 08/04/2014 13:56

Well LIZS since I have a broken down car, I was kind of thinking it would be more of a priority to get home and try to see what I can do about getting it fixed, than going to the meal.

threepiecesuite I suspect you are right. Even with both of us earning a salary, it doesn't entail limitless funds. I am living off my VISA card this month as shelled out £2500 last month on cars.

I'm pretty sure FIL sees me as a bit of a freeloader and am wracking my brains as to why. I think threepiecesuite you have hit the nail on my head, clearly I should have limitless funds for such an eventuality. The car is at a farm shop, where it will be safe enough. I have a bike here at home so can cycle or get the bus into town to buy a battery charger or whatever it will need. Just thought I would ask DH advice first so I don't get the wrong thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
FairyFootsteps · 08/04/2014 13:56

SIL is not their daughter Echocave. She is married to their son.

OP posts: