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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate that ex has bought 8yo DD a mobile phone?

31 replies

Indigoviolet3 · 08/04/2014 12:17

He is very controlling, argues about access all the time despite court order in place, will deliberately turn up to school events that aren't on his time and make her choose between us who she wants to go home with (as I said court order supposed to stop this!) I usually give in and let her go with him so as not to upset her with a tug of war!

Now he has bought her a phone which he has texted me to say that it should be on and charged at all times and she sat there for half an hour texting him this morning, inane little things, but it is really annoying me that he is infiltrating our home life in this way.

I have offered that he phones her at a certain time each week, say 6pm on a Tuesday, but he has never done this and is always texting me on other random days, often at 8.30pm on a school night (bedtime is 7.30 and he knows this) asking to speak to her and calling me unreasonable wheni refuse to wake her up!

I'm so pissed off that he was found a way to wriggle into our home, and I'll be the bad guy if I say no to her!
AIBU to limit the use of it though?

OP posts:

MeepMeepVroooom · 08/04/2014 12:19

To be perfectly honest I would give it back.

MeepMeepVroooom · 08/04/2014 12:25

Sorry posted too soon, problems with phone.

So honestly I would give it back however I appreciate you don't feel comfortable with that.

YWNBU to set strict times in which it is acceptable for the phone to be on/used. Providing you don't stop them talking on the phone normally I can't see what the need is for an 8 yo to have a mobile phone.

Original poster

Indigoviolet3 · 08/04/2014 12:29

Yes I think I will, it's as if he expects us to be doing nothing but waiting for his calls and texts and I hate it! And indeed what possible reason could she need her own phone for if I've offered him regular phone contact and he chooses not to! I'm thinking it may find itself accidentally fallen down the toilet soon!

OP posts:

NurseyWursey · 08/04/2014 12:31

Personally I think if she lives with you, the mobile is a good way for her to have a further relationship with her dad.

I had a mobile at 9, because my grandad bought it for me and it helped us to be closer together.

I completely understand why you're uncomfortable, and he should have spoken to you, but I think you should chose your battles. I would put limits on it, make sure she gives it to you before she goes to bed and school etc.

ICanSeeTheSun · 08/04/2014 12:57

ill deliberately turn up to school events that aren't on his time

Why can't you both go together. Technically it's in school times. I think it's a shame that both of you can't be there.

With the phone treat it as any thing else. Not to be taken to school and only allowed it in free time. The phone must be switched off at night.

Glitterandglue · 08/04/2014 13:07

I actually don't think there is a major problem with her having a phone and being able to be in contact with him during the day whenever - provided she can manage that so realise that whatever is happening where she is always takes priority over calls/texts. Also there should be no arguments about phone going off before bed and staying somewhere out of her room (good sleep habits).

I can understand why he wouldn't necessarily always want to phone at the same time/day because that's very prescriptive for a relationship with your child, though phoning once it's past her bedtime is clearly unreasonable.

However, if you disagree with her having a phone and you're the main carer, then any responsibility for the phone always being on and charged goes to DD. If you didn't want that kind of intrusion into her life then you're not responsible for maintaining it! If she can remember to keep it on and charged then fine, if not 8 is obviously too young for her to have it, though she should still get to contact him when she wants to within reason (so not after bedtime, during dinner etc).

Please do instill in her though never to answer it while it's on charge. We had fire safety training recently at work where the ex fire officer explained to us that's when phones explode if they're going to because of a sudden surge of power. It's also why you should never answer your phone at a petrol station - pressing answer makes a sudden surge come and if there is other fuel/electricity around, things can go wrong.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/04/2014 13:08

Why shouldn't he turn up at school events? Would you like to be told when you could see your own child?

The phone sounds like a great idea, she can talk to her dad without involving you. It's a great way to keep in touch with an absent parent.

You make it sound like he's done it just to be controlling, of course that could well be the case but it sounds like the you also like control so maybe it's tit for tat.

Save your energy and concentrate on ensuring your DD is not caught in the middle of your battles and knows both parents are there to talk to and for all events etc.

WooWooOwl · 08/04/2014 13:17

I think you're being incredibly unfair to say that he shouldn't turn up to school events just because they a rent on his time, your daughter is a child, not a timeshare holiday apartment.

I can see why it would irritate you that he offers to take her home after these events, but having a flexible relationship with your co parent is generally what's best for the child if you can be amicable.

Normally I would say YANBU about the phone. My ex has ocassionally given my dc things I would prefer them not to have, and it is intensely annoying, but I respect that he does have some say because he is their other parent. But in this case, if the phone is being used so that a parent and child who don't live with each other can stay in closer contact, then I can't see the problem. I would monitor use of the phone, but if he's paying for it and it means your dd can talk to her own dad whenever she wants, I think YABU to have a problem with it.

Original poster

Indigoviolet3 · 08/04/2014 13:18

The court order is there for a reason! He was violent to me and is an alcoholic. All he does when he has her for his weekends is sit in the pub drinking whilst she is bored, the school events he turns upto are purely for show, he doesn't care enough to do her homework with her, but in front of others puts on the best dad in the world act!

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/04/2014 13:24

Reading your first post again, I can see why he has bought her the phone. If the situation was reversed would you be happy with being told you could call one day a week at a set time? I doubt it.

Regardless of his issues, you choose to have a child with him and the courts have agreed access so he is considered fine to care for his child. You both may parent differently but it's your daughters needs that need to come first.

When custody is not 50/50 it's only right the child has access to speaking to the other parent whenever they like. Sharing news, bad days at school etc.

oscarwilde · 08/04/2014 13:39

It sounds really tough. You know it is just for show but does your DD necessarily? He will no doubt show his true colours in time but in the meantime, it's nice for her to have both parents attend. Who she goes home with should be entirely down to where she is resident that day.

Can't you just turn off the phone at bedtime every day? If he's texting you and being aggressive then that's a nice written record of him being unreasonable which you can use. He can simply set a daily alarm on his phone to call her by 7pm or ignore depending on what he's up to.

Is she allowed a phone at school or does it stay at home? You might get lucky - it might get nicked from her school bag and a nice large phone bill run up....

LillyRose28 · 08/04/2014 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LillyRose28 · 08/04/2014 14:45

Hmmm

Original poster

Indigoviolet3 · 08/04/2014 15:03

How about contraception failure and the fact the DV started after I got pregnant, have been through contact centres and believe me I'm not happy about it. Obviously you are perfect Lilyrose sorry for troubling you with my inferior lifestyle choices.

OP posts:

Fleta · 08/04/2014 15:09

I think I would allow DD to keep the mobile phone but have some conditions in place as to time and appropriate usage?

MeepMeepVroooom · 08/04/2014 15:24

Seriously what the fuck is with some of these responses. Lilly what a fucking nasty post.

wheresthelight · 08/04/2014 15:25

I think you are out of order bitching about him coming to school events, most mum's on here would love their ex's to turn up!! But I do understand the issue over him then wanting to take her home, but is it really worth getting upset over? As long as the minimum contact is in line with the court order what does it hurt to let her have extra time with him?

Again the Mobile seems fine to me, by all means limit time to after chores/homework but if you want his contact to be less intrusive of your life this seems like a good compromise

PoppySeed2014 · 08/04/2014 15:38

Op, yanbu.

The op wasn't complaining at her ex turning up to school events but then asking her dd who she'd like to go home with afterwards which is unfair and manipulative.

Also, I'm fairly sure no one "chooses" to have a child with anyone who was a violent alcoholic. People change. People make mistakes. Relationships go wrong.

Bit sickened at the harsh attitude of some posts.

Op I can tell how stressful this is for you. Return the phone. Explain its not suitable for a young child. Or lose it.

Don't enter into a big conversation about it. I really feel for you.

bragmatic · 08/04/2014 15:41

Exactly, Poppy.

He sounds incredibly manipulative.

NatashaBee · 08/04/2014 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LillyRose28 · 08/04/2014 17:07

I'm sorry for offending you and I shouldn't have judged your situation as I do not know you or your ex. This is a sore topic for me and please believe me when I say my life is far from perfect. I guess your thread just hit a nerve and really the person I wanted to say all that to is the woman I know who is stopping my brother seeing his kids.
Please accept my apology as it really is genuine I'm sorry for any offence caused and wish you all the best in your situation. I'm not usually such a bitch x

NatashaBee · 08/04/2014 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarGazeyPond · 08/04/2014 17:12

If the situation was reversed would you be happy with being told you could call one day a week at a set time?

This ^^. She has a right to a relationship with her father no matter how he treated you.

PoppySeed2014 · 08/04/2014 17:24

lillyrose28 I agree, very gracious

LillyRose28 · 08/04/2014 17:29

Thanks NatashaBee and Poppy I feel quite disgusted with myself x

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