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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to change the baby's cloth nappy before going to work just because DP doesn't like cloth?

42 replies

possiblyprecious · 08/04/2014 08:37

Bub is 4 months. I've been using cloth nappies since 6 weeks as it's my preference. DP prefers disposables. We have both in the house. I've always said I'm happy for him to use disposables and I am happy to do all the laundering of the cloth.

I've just started back to work part time (self employed) only about 16 or so hours a week. This arvo I was about to leave for work for two hours, and DP was looking after bub. He said I had better change her into a disposable before I leave as he doesn't like changing cloth. Nappy was clean so I said no, it doesn't need changing yet, if it needs changing while I'm out then just leave it on the floor and I will clean it up when I get home. He started to retort but to his credit bit his tongue.

I think it might be part of a bigger issue, maybe about me working, I'm not sure.

I don't usually put my foot down, and hate doing it, so just want to ask was IBU to say no?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 08/04/2014 08:46

Does he not like the fact that the cloth nappies feel wet when you take them off? Maybe he should wear gloves....

No, YWNU.

CoffeeTea103 · 08/04/2014 08:50

Why didn't you just change it, better to clean up a clean nappy rather than dirty one later? Yabu.

Original poster

possiblyprecious · 08/04/2014 08:50

He said he was more worried about if it was pooey. I said that it was no different undoing the cloth one (snaps, modern cloth nappy) and putting it on the floor for me to deal with later than undoing a disposable and putting it in the bin :(

OP posts:

Original poster

possiblyprecious · 08/04/2014 08:53

Coffee, I think I arced up because I felt like he was insinuating that he was doing me a favour by looking after DD, therefore I should do everything possible to make the two hours I was away as easy as possible for him.

OP posts:

Bardette · 08/04/2014 08:54

I think YABU, you agreed that he could use disposables. He said he doesn't want to change cloth nappies and taking them off is the worst bit!

MrsNoodleHead · 08/04/2014 08:55

I think YABU. You are the one insisting on cloth, you know he doesn't like them, so why not change the baby before you leave?

And really, who would be happy with a soiled nappy on the floor for the rest of the day? Yuk. You won't want that either when your daughter is crawling.

jacks365 · 08/04/2014 08:58

I use cloth and disposable and there is a difference. For starters if it was a pooey nappy then the fragrance could get a bit strong if a cloth is just left. You have your choice to use cloth his choice is disposable do you really think it was fair to force him to deal with your choice against his wishes. Ywbu.

ceeveebee · 08/04/2014 09:00

If the nappy was clean why could he not take it off himself and put a disposable on?

Balaboosta · 08/04/2014 09:02

Yabu

MuddlingMackem · 08/04/2014 09:04

Depends on his reasons for not using cloth I suppose. But I'd say YWNBU. It's no harder to chuck the poo in the loo from a cloth nappy than from a disposable and you said you'd deal with the rest of it. If it's a modern nappy then a wet one shouldn't feel any worse to remove than a disposable, and should actually stink less.

DH didn't like the terry nappies I used for DC1 as he freaked out about the pins so he used disposables for him, but he was absolutely fine with the pocket nappies with poppers we used for DC2 and with her she only ever had disposables on holidays.

mercibucket · 08/04/2014 09:05

yanbu

sounds like he is looking on his childcare as 'doing you a favour' and 'helping out', but he bit his tongue so even he realised

PorkPieandPickle · 08/04/2014 09:08

YANBU. If the nappy wasn't pooey he could change it himself anyway! Sounds like he's making some kind of point- I agree that it sounds like he thinks you should do everything possible before you leave to make his life easy.

NurseyWursey · 08/04/2014 09:11

YABU you made the decision you use cloth, he use disposable. Taking the cloth off is the worst part!

BertieBotts · 08/04/2014 09:13

This sounds really bizarre and I wonder if there are underlying issues.

Firstly, it's not that hard for him to get to grips with cloth. Odd to have two different systems in one household. But I suppose it's not that weird, and if he has a preference that's fine. But really if he's looking after her for the whole day and it's only one, he should be able to man up and do it, not fanny around saying "Oh but I'm worried about poo!"

Secondly, he could change it himself if he is that worried about it. If the nappy is clean then he could put it aside to be used later. If it's not 100% clean then he can deal with it and put it into the nappy bin or wherever. Do you use liners? Poo isn't that hard to deal with using liners.

Thirdly if he feels THAT strongly, then he should do the preceding nappy change before you leave, whether that's 3 hours before or whatever (I forget how often 4 month olds need changing). If I felt really weirded out by cloth and my partner wanted to use cloth I wouldn't make it their issue. I'd just make sure that I changed the nappy before they left and put a disposable one on.

Other points - it's deeply weird that you went to the option of letting him leave it on the floor for you to clean it up when you get home. You should be able to trust him to look after her which includes cleaning up after her. As someone above said, when she's crawling you won't want a stinking nappy left on the floor for her to find.

You mentioned he might have a problem with you working - why?

You don't normally put your foot down. Why? Is that because you can usually come to a reasonable agreement or is it because he makes it a pain in the arse if you try to make your opinions heard?

I'm not going to jump to "He's controlling, LTB!!" obviously but your entire dilemma just sounds like something that wouldn't happen between adults who support each other and are capable and generally want to help each other out. It makes me wonder if there's something else going on in general.

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 09:14

He's screwed as a parent if he's bothered by a bit of poo!

poo, pee, snot, sick, it's all coming his way and in large quantities so I suggest he gets over it rather quickly if that really is his issue.

And yes, if the cloth nappy was at that point clean, why didn't he just whip it off and replace it? So what if it wasn't dirty yet? If he didn't want it to get dirty because he doesn't like changing cloth nappies, then that was the obvious solution.

If, otoh, you are right in your feeling that this is about you being employed, that's a bigger problem. You need to have a very honest conversation about that, don't you?

And point one of that conversation needs to be that a parent is not doing anyone, not even the other parent, a 'favour' by caring for the child they jointly created.

Biddyfive · 08/04/2014 09:14

Yanbu... However I would have changed the nappy allowing him to win a battle in the cloth nappy war. Me and me DH fought this war and eventually, he came round to them and even proud of the cloth nappies! At 4 months he was still hands off but gradually he learned they were really not much more work than disposies. This might have been further down the road when the newborn poo was out of the way. If its his first baby your DP is maybe still a bit wobbly looking after a baby.

BertieBotts · 08/04/2014 09:16

And yes, how is he going to deal with potty training? Lots of (or at least some!) poo in clothes at that point!

Bogeyface · 08/04/2014 09:21

If the nappy was clean why could he not take it off himself and put a disposable on?

THis!

I suspect that it was nothing to do with nappies and everything to do with you daring to expect him to look after his own child while you go off enjoying yourself to work.

Nip that attitude in the bud now, or you will always find yourself last on the list after him and the baby. It is NOT your job to make things easier for him, he is a parent too and he needs remember that.

JennyCalendar · 08/04/2014 09:21

If it was a clean cloth one, then he could have just switched it to disposable himself.

However, if you do the morning nappy change on days when DH will be doing the childcare, I'd pop her into a disposable then.

Slightly similar, but DH does most of the childcare in our house. He hates dungarees and finds them a faff. On days when DH is in sole charge, I avoid dressing him in dungarees that morning and save them for when I'm around.

ReallyTired · 08/04/2014 09:27

Frankly I think the pair of you are being a bit immature. Putting on the cloth nappy is the easy bit and its the taking it off which is the shitty bit.
A loving relationship involves a bit of compromise and should not be a "war". During times that your husband is looking after his child its perfectly reasonable for him to choose what type of nappy is on the child.

Does it really harm the envionment to use cloth nappies part time?

Original poster

possiblyprecious · 08/04/2014 09:34

Thanks for all the replies, I will reread them all again later.

Just to respond to a few things,

I didn't realise that cloth felt yucky to take off when wet, so I will leave some disposable gloves on the change table as someone suggested. Also he doesn't wash his hands after a wee nappy change so that might have been part of objection.

I was only going to be out of the house for two hours which is why I said that he could leave it on the floor.

for those who say I should have changed it because I insist on using cloth just the same as me telling him to make sure that he changes her into cloth before I get home seeing as he's the one insisting on disposables?

OP posts:

MrsMook · 08/04/2014 09:37

Taking off a cloth nappy is no harder or dirtier than a sposie. It just needs to go in the bucket/ bag. Easy peasy.

DH will usually put on a sposie when he changes a nappy, but he wouldn't expect me to pre-change it in advance.

YANBU

hillyhilly · 08/04/2014 09:54

I used disposable but occasionally looked after my friends Ds who was in cloth, I have to say I found them revolting, even just the wet ones seemed to stink of wee and as for the poo. I'm not usually squeamish and was surprised by how different they were (or maybe, how differently I found them).
So I don't think he is BU but he should not insinuate that looking after his own child is a favour to you, that attitude makes me see red.

PorkPieandPickle · 08/04/2014 09:55

I agree with you totally OP, by his logic, he should change her into a cloth nappy when you get back as you don't like disposables.

I think to be honest, you should find out what he has against cloth nappies and work on that. It seems that using the 2 systems isn't that workable when 'primary' care is interchangeable between you both. You might have to have a rethink.

ReallyTired · 08/04/2014 10:14

"I think to be honest, you should find out what he has against cloth nappies and work on that. It seems that using the 2 systems isn't that workable when 'primary' care is interchangeable between you both. You might have to have a rethink."

Bollox. Plenty of families use cloth part time. In fact I don't think I have met a truely purist cloth fanatic.

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