To refuse to change the baby's cloth nappy before going to work just because DP doesn't like cloth?

[possiblyprecious]

Bub is 4 months. I've been using cloth nappies since 6 weeks as it's my preference. DP prefers disposables. We have both in the house. I've always said I'm happy for him to use disposables and I am happy to do all the laundering of the cloth.

I've just started back to work part time (self employed) only about 16 or so hours a week. This arvo I was about to leave for work for two hours, and DP was looking after bub. He said I had better change her into a disposable before I leave as he doesn't like changing cloth. Nappy was clean so I said no, it doesn't need changing yet, if it needs changing while I'm out then just leave it on the floor and I will clean it up when I get home. He started to retort but to his credit bit his tongue.

I think it might be part of a bigger issue, maybe about me working, I'm not sure.

I don't usually put my foot down, and hate doing it, so just want to ask was IBU to say no?

Maybe he should start washing his hands after a change, that's not hard to do is it. And I really think he can go to the trouble of getting himself some gloves if he wants to wear them, don't you? Honestly, you need to stop infantilising him or enabling his own infantilisation, as it's really not helpful for one parent to need parenting when there are children in the picture. It'll only get worse.

And definitely do not ever feel that you need to suggest leaving a nappy on the floor for you to tidy up when you get back! Honestly! What on earth is wrong with him that he can't pull himself together and parent his own child properly?
Please try to nip this in the bud now, to avoid having all sorts of issues later.

Oh and to answer the question, no you were not being unreasonable. Fair enough it's nice to be able to avoid things we find yucky or whatever as much as possible and I think it's good that you came to a compromise that works for both of you. But it's part of adult life, and particularly as a parent, that sometimes we just have to do things we don't like. He should be able to change a cloth nappy once in a while if needed.

But even if you're only out for two hours it's ridiculous to leave it on the floor. He is a grown man, he can pick up a nappy and put it in the nappy bucket or whatever it is you use. A nappy shouldn't be left on the floor, ever, for longer than necessary.

If your health visitor came while you were at work and asked him about the nappy left on the floor and he said "Oh I'm leaving that for Precious to do when she gets home" she wouldn't be very happy - it's a health hazard.

If you had to change a disposable nappy you wouldn't leave it on the floor because it's "his" type of nappy would you?

If the nappy was clean why could he not take it off himself and put a disposable on?

Exactly.

YANBU

I'm sure he'll cope. He's making himself sound pretty helpless!

I think the post about dungarees is a good one. If you know he's going to look after her and he prefers X then fine, it's kind and courteous to make the effort to do that for him, especially when it's no extra effort for you. (And when DS was briefly in cloth nappies, I did put him in a disposable if my mum or someone was looking after him.)

But he is her dad - not some random babysitter. If she happens to be in a cloth nappy he can make the decision himself to either change it immediately before it gets soiled or just wait and see. He should not be expecting you to change her immediately before you go just so he doesn't have to deal with it. If you forget or some unforseen circumstance arises then he'll just have to deal with the cloth, it's not that much of a big deal.

• for those who say I should have changed it because I insist on using cloth just the same as me telling him to make sure that he changes her into cloth before I get home seeing as he's the one insisting on disposables?

This is an excellent point OP. YANBU at all. If he wants to co parent- as he bloody should - he's got to actually do it, on equal terms, without needing molly coddling through it in a way not afforded to you.

YANBU.

Why didn't he just change it straight away.

You're on your way to work. Why would you stop and change a clean nappy because he doesn't like the one that's on? Why does his choice of nappy win?

um, he should be washing his hands after changing a nappy, regardless of the kind of nappy! I'm pretty slovenly but even I did that (kept anti-bac gel on the changing table).

He could have changed her into a disposable when it was clean, could he not?

But, for the sake of argument, on your working days when he's in charge, just have her in disposables all day.

YANBU and he is a baby.

We used mostly cloth once the baby was big enough for the ones we had bought but often had disposables in for emergencies. DH was capable of changing both, what with him being a grown up and not scared of poo and wee.

Arguing over something so small needs to be addressed and stop with the giving him credit for biting his tongue. You shouldn't have to give anyone credit for being a civil human being.

This isn't about nappies.

OP why do you think he resents you going to work?

Disgusting that he doesn't wash his hands after changing a nappy. That is going to be great when she is needing solid food and he makes it for her after a change [yuk]. I expect you'll have to do that though as he really doesn't seem to think parenting and looking after a baby is his job.

If this is just about nappies then you are both being ridiculous and life is too short.

I think it's fairly obvious that this is not just about nappies...

I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply, it has given me some food for thought.

If you're using cloth, I assume you use liners?

And he should wash his hands whatever nappy he's changing! Doesn't he wipe/clean her bottom?

Yuck you can't leave a soiled nappy on the floor! YABU