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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving a baby to scream for over an hour

101 replies

Pleasejustgo · 08/04/2014 08:17

AIBU for thinking it's not ok to leave a baby to scream itself for an hour and a half, every hour and a half 24/7?

This has been happening since it was born and it's now about 7 months.

I thought CC was for about 5 minutes or so? Said baby sounds totally and utterly distressed throughout the day and night and is constantly crying. I know some babies like to scream but surely not on a 24 hourly basis. It has no medical conditions apparently, it just doesn't like to sleep I've been told.

AIBU to think surely one of the parents should get up to comfort it as night as the hysteria goes on for a VERY long time and as I said this baby sound utterly utterly distressed.

OP posts:
Gen35 · 08/04/2014 10:05

I wouldn't even mention their sleep training methods if I called their hv, I'd just say you were generally concerned that it cried so much and worried about whether they were coping. Probably it's a hv check and they refer on if warranted. Whatever one thinks about sleep training, this sounds much more than that, it sounds like someone not coping to me. I might let my baby cry for 20/30 mins a day if 'training' but hours every day is something different. Issue isn't cc/CIO.

thebody · 08/04/2014 10:08

self settling rubbish please explain?

Are you still cuddled to sleep?

Self settling is bloody wonderful. I can tell you if I hadn't done cc with my first baby at 13 months, pregnant with dc2, I would have literally have self harmed.

It was fantastic.

All of mine are adults/teens now and the calmest most sociable people in the world.

thebody · 08/04/2014 10:09

Sorry to harp in but this is different to cc.

Leaving a baby to just cry for a long time alone is not acceptable and sad.

BertieBotts · 08/04/2014 10:11

Nobody has said it is CC Confused

Also I'm pretty sure self settling as an idea has been around since long before the 80s. Maybe the 1880s!

thebody · 08/04/2014 10:12

martorama DrGreen claimed it.

Obviously this other man did too.

It has been done since Eve

By women Grin I did it in 1989 without the help if any book but my mums advice.

Aventurine · 08/04/2014 10:13

If the op spoke to hv team would they be able to just have a chat with the mum without actually saying concerns had been raised, just speaking to her to see what she says and then follow up if necessary? Might be the best approach.

Martorana · 08/04/2014 10:15

There seem o be toed different threads going on here.

OP- if you are concerned about this baby, and you have talked to the parents and they say that there are no health problems that would make for more crying than normal, then give Social Services a call.

Gen35 · 08/04/2014 10:15

Yes I agree with hv and just stating concerns re about of crying. Sounds like they need more support to me.

feckitafeck · 08/04/2014 10:16

I'm understanding you have no concerns re the health/abuse of this baby.

Why don't you just move.

HeyNonny · 08/04/2014 10:19

Agree with Famzilla - I was advised by HVs, paediatricians and the GP to leave DD to cry until she went to sleep. I didn't, because there's no way I could have slept myself anyway (the reason they were all telling me to leave her).

Some children scream because of medical issues (DD had severe reflux), others scream just because. 2yo DS is generally happy but for some unknown reason, every day when he wakes from his nap - whether it's 40 mins, an hour or two hours, and whether in his bed or the buggy - he screams. And screams. For half an hour. I can't calm him, I can't distract him, all I can do is hold him till he stops screaming - when he'll suddenly subside into sobs, then smile and say 'me get down and play now'. It is bloody weird, it's been going on since birth, and despite the fact that he talks really well, he can't ever say why he's crying.

I think if I was the OP I'd try to talk to the parents first. They can't be enjoying the experience much either.

thebody · 08/04/2014 10:20

Op I would offer to go to see the HV with the mum.

Sorry if I hijacked the thread but I couldn't let the slur to cc being cruel and the same as crying it out to be unchallenged.

I can't see ss being concerned if the baby is well cared for in every other way op. You could cause ww3 by doing do.

Your shout.

Ijustworemytrenchcoat · 08/04/2014 10:22

I hope they're not leaving their baby so distressed Sad. But my baby cried and cried for hours at a time for the first few months of his life and being held, cuddled, rocked didn't stop it for long.

My partner and I and any visitors would take turns walking round with him and it might settle him for 5 minutes here and there but other than that he just cried. Does she have any support? It's such an awful thing, to not be able to soothe your baby.

Original poster
Pleasejustgo · 08/04/2014 10:32

Unfortunately the mother in question has never been particularly reasonable so any 'friendly interference' is a waste of time such as accompanying her to the HV.

I really just wanted to try and understand what was going on so as to try and lessen the impact on my DC somehow even if it's at least being able to understand a little more.

My eldest is particularly affected and at the moment so it's less than ideal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasejustgo · 08/04/2014 10:33

I also feel a little sorry for the poor baby as as I said it sounds utterly distressed all the time, I'm sure it will survive a bit of crying they all do but this is extreme.

OP posts:
hotcrosshunny · 08/04/2014 11:38

Teaching self settling is rubbish - we aren't all cuddled to sleep which indicates that you don't need to force it just provide opportunities.

As for cc - I have the book and Ferber does not advocate going straight to cc which most people do.
And given the baby has been screaming for a long time then I would venture that something is wrong.

NewtRipley · 08/04/2014 17:09

OP

It seems you, with the information you have, are quite worried about what is going on. If so, call the NSPCC. I say this because you seem to have already decided that it's wrong, and have also discounted any other course of action.

NewtRipley · 08/04/2014 17:18

Pleasejustgo

How is you understanding what is going on likely to lessen the impact on your child?

Soundproofing the room would be an option

Original poster
Pleasejustgo · 08/04/2014 17:31

Newt

If we had a better understanding then it's generally less stressful for all involved. That make sense?

Soundproofing would be an option if I wanted to spend money on soundproofing the babies. I don't. It's not my baby. Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasejustgo · 08/04/2014 17:34

Baby's room. Damn phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasejustgo · 08/04/2014 17:35

Just saw your other post. I think HV is a more gentle approach actually.

OP posts:
Gen35 · 08/04/2014 17:37

Don't really see how we can help. They need help, they're obviously not coping. Tell your dc that some babies are really hard work and cry a lot and parents can't always cope well. Reassure them that if serious harm was being done, the hv would've involved ss. Personally I don't see why you can't call the local hvs and voice concerns about all the crying you are hearing.

Martorana · 08/04/2014 17:39

If you're worried, report it. I would in the circumstances. I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't.

PansOnFire · 08/04/2014 17:43

I've been there, I totally understand what you are going through. Listening to a baby scream it's little heart out every night is soul destroying. Especially when you know it's in an unfriendly environment. I couldn't speak to my neighbour about it, tbh I was scared of her and I thought there was more to it than the baby being left to scream. There were four other children in the house and they were wild.

Please phone ss and express a concern, you can do this anonymously and say you have been told by someone who lives in the vicinity. The outcome of our case was that the baby was with the family as part of a residency order, the parent was absent and the guardian was going off out and leaving the children for most of the night. She was then returning drunk and unable to care for the children, so the baby was left to scream. She was given support, the children stayed with her and she sorted herself out.

There might be something underlying going on, or they might just need support. But either way, a baby is screaming for hours and that's not right.

Original poster
Pleasejustgo · 08/04/2014 17:51

Thanks pans

Yes, reporting to me in this case seems quite extreme as they seem to be stable enough people however the screaming baby is also extreme.

I'm not sure SS is appropriate but as I said HV could probably advise better here.

It's also up to these people how they deal with it and up to me how I deal with my DC, I've no wish to involve myself with them on any level but of course realistically there already is some kind of involvement as I've posted here.

The baby isn't neglected physically as in no food/clothes but as another poster as pointed out it's not having other needs met which isn't anything to do with me except when it comes to the impact on my DC.

Thanks for all the insights and 'sounding boarding'.

OP posts:
keepcalm111 · 08/04/2014 21:52

Not according to the guy who invented controlled crying

somebody invented controlled crying!!? what else does he take credit for inventing? snoring? breathing?

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